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What not to say to a woman who has miscarried....

(29 Posts)
broodylicious Mon 10-Mar-14 17:44:45

Having suffered my first miscarriage a few weeks back and therefore been on the receiving end of various comments from well meaning friends and family, I thought it may be helpful to those who have not had the heartache of going through it to know what not to say to those unfortunate souls who are/have. Please add your thoughts and suggestions too!

1) "you've got a daughter already, at least you know you can get pregnant"

2) "you've got a child, she'll help you take your mind off it"

Minnieisthedevilmouse Mon 10-Mar-14 17:48:27

It would have been dc2. Lost at 11wks. Female GP said "well just a couple of years ago this would have been a missed period. Now we have to treat it as miscarriage..."

The best people just said it was so sad. It was/is. There really wasn't more I felt could be said.

A year later we had a successful p. still think of that bloody woman tho (and wish her ill...)

WeeClype Mon 10-Mar-14 17:55:23

It wasn't meant to be!

Or you can try again......that was after mine in 2012, I'm now sat bouncing my DD age 3 months in her chairsmile, doesn't stop me thinking about the one I lost tho.

17leftfeet Mon 10-Mar-14 18:00:23

'Sometimes it's god's way of saying it wasn't meant to be'

I hate that one with a passion!

broodylicious Mon 10-Mar-14 18:08:00

"It's so common"

"X had a mc before she had x - look at her now!"

It may be common but not to me!!!!!!

Cirsium Mon 10-Mar-14 18:13:44

"There must have been something terribly wrong with it."

I understand that, I spent many hours on the internet searching for answers so I know most miscarriages are caused by chromosonal defects, it doesn't make me feel any better that my much wanted baby died.

"You'll be pregnant again in no time."

Maybe, but I wanted that baby and had hopes and plans for them. Also a year down the line and i'm still not pregnant again.

LackaDAISYcal Mon 10-Mar-14 18:19:33

Absolutely bloody nothing.

Lots of people just looked at their feet first time I saw them afterwards and shuffled nervously. I found this a lot harder than the well meaning blunders tbh.

So sorry for your loss xx

Monkeybubbles1 Mon 10-Mar-14 18:38:39

I found it comforting when people were straight up with me about it. It helped knowing it was something very common and that it wasn't just me going through it. It helped knowing the science and genetics and facts about miscarriage. My miscarriage was tough and I grieved for my lost little one, but at the end of the day, I know now that there was nothing I could do to stop it happening and it really just wasn't meant to be. If there was something seriously genetically wrong with my child then I take comfort in knowing it wasn't brought into this world to live a painful existence.

Eminybob Mon 10-Mar-14 18:50:00

Yeah the "god's plan" one really really bugged me.

I'm not a believer, and now is not the time to impose your misguided views on me.

MissYamabuki Mon 10-Mar-14 18:57:37

Yep - "Don't dwell on it, it wasn't meant to be" (DSis)
"It's only a missed period" (DP) aaaargh

TBH the best ones were the very gentle and caring GPs at my practice who seem to truly understand and feel really sorry. Also friends who've been through it and just said I'm sorry, it's so sad. What can you say, really?

Lucky3878 Mon 10-Mar-14 19:34:08

"The only thing that will make it better is another baby" It took me 2 f@#*ing years to fall pregnant so didn't think that would happen!!!! I HATED my sister for saying that too me but she was actually kinda right and despite it taking a while that time I fell pregnant again very quickly and had my perfect son. Just hoping it works like that this time after our latest loss sad

broodylicious Mon 10-Mar-14 19:52:20

A missed period?!?! Oh my goodness, miss, how on earth did you control yourself? I'm not a violent person but that would've sent me over the edge!!

I agree the best and most kind comments came from those who understand - the obs/gynae consultant I saw was amazing. Such a kind man, really patient and warm. I asked if we could book him for the birth if we ever fall pregnant again!!

On the flip side of the daft comments, one of my old school friends (he lives in London, amazing actor/dancer, gay as gay can be) got in touch via Facebook and said "dunno what's going on sweetpea, don't need to either but you need to know that although I'm over 100 miles away from you, I am here day and night, you pick up the phone at any time and call me, even if it's just to cry..." You can imagine the tears as I read that! Such an amazing friend smile

HopefulHamster Mon 10-Mar-14 19:56:40

'At least you know you can get pregnant now' (this said after infertility - so if I was fertile would I be more sad? come off it. There's no silver lining to your baby dying and knowing you might never be pregnant again)

'It wasn't meant to be' (I don't care, it still hurts like fuckery)

'At least you've got your son' (And he is wonderful and I know I am so lucky, but having the joy of him does not completely negate the pain of miscarriage)

'You'll be pregnant again soon' (You know my history and you really think so?)

OrchidFlakes Mon 10-Mar-14 21:49:08

'Its so common' gave me the rage and still does. The best comments were those that said 'I have no words' and gave me a heartfelt hug, they just felt the most authentic

bouncingbelle Mon 10-Mar-14 22:01:42

"You'll be glad to know you,re not pregnant!" .... Said by nurse in casualty when I came in with stomach pain. I was pregnant after fertility treatment, the dr (who was lovely) had done a urine test which showed I had lost the baby.....but the nurse decided to share this information before the dr got to me......

bettergetamoveon Mon 10-Mar-14 22:24:05

bouncingbelle - how awful, what a way to find out sad

bouncingbelle Mon 10-Mar-14 22:51:18

Horrendous, and by far the worst part of the whole experience. It was back in August and I still feel like putting in a complaint sad

Apart from that comment, the "oh, so-and-so had a miscarriage and fell pregnant again right away". Whoopedoo for them. hmm

MyNameIsKenAdams Mon 10-Mar-14 22:56:28

When I told my Dmum Id MC at eleven weeks "well you are still young, you can try again".

I told her I had to sit in the waiting room at the hospital surrounded by women waiting for their 12/20 wk scan with the baby in a littlw box on my lap.

Only then did she actually show any emotion.

PicardyThird Mon 10-Mar-14 23:01:51

Eight pregnancies. Two dc. Six miscarriages in all, the latest three in a row.

'Be grateful for what you have [ie the two dc]'.

Because, gosh silly me, it never occurred to me to be hugely grateful and thankful that two of them made it, while still being desperately sad that no. 3 is proving so heartbreakingly elusive.

'Mother nature knows what she's doing'.

Just WTF?

neolara Mon 10-Mar-14 23:06:03

"So you've come in today for an abortion", said the junior doctor who was checking me in for the erpc. Er, no actually I've just had my fourth mc.

SlackRopeWalker Mon 10-Mar-14 23:21:06

When I told my friend I'd miscarried, she said, 'oh, you think that's sad, I know someone who miscarried twins!'

She's not great at being a friend really.

bouncingbelle Mon 10-Mar-14 23:27:19

Omg mynameiskenadams that is heartbreaking. Makes me actually feel lucky (?) mine was earlier. So sorry that happened.

broodylicious Tue 11-Mar-14 07:46:15

picardy - I hate the "be grateful" thing too. Its so rude, attempting to quash our dreams of having another baby.

ken xxxx

Jemma2907 Tue 11-Mar-14 08:30:25

I was told by many 'at least you know you can get pregnant now' - after ttc our first for 2 1/2 years. Yep, that was a real comfort. Thanks!

VashtaNerada Tue 11-Mar-14 08:43:10

"It wasn't a baby, it was just some cells" (oh well that's fine then) and "that EXACT thing happened to my mum but it turned out to be twins and she still had her baby" (brilliant, false hope on top of everything else!). To be fair though, before I had MCs I wouldn't have known what to say either!

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