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tormenting myself :(

(7 Posts)
ZimboMum Sat 08-Mar-14 20:19:49

Dh doesnt want or says he isn't ready for a second dc. We have one ds who is 3.3. I have been broody for about a year. Dh suffers from anxiety and has said that he doesn't think he can cope with a second dc and would have amental breakdown. He hasn't sought help for his anxiety and as much as I try to talk him down and let him repeat himself a million times I do not know the right thing to say.

Last af started on 18 feb. Dtd on 1 march and afterwards dh checked the condom like he always does for holes. Hes not sure if he mde it with all the squeezing and pressure that he puts into checking it but there was the tiniest hole half way up.

Talked about the map which he wanted me to take but I couldn't do it. Looked at all the stats for contraception failures and seemed so low that if I had managed to get upduffed it would be nothing short of a miracle.

Problem is im so hoping it is a miracle as I think an accident (and it could only ever be a genuine accident, wouldn't make an accident happen iyswim) is the only way dh would accept it and agree to 2nd dc. He will make an awesome dad again but he just can't see it.

But I am now tormenting myself reading all the conception and pregnancy threads and in my heart of hearts I know af will turn up on schedule. I have a suspicion that A work colleague who is the least maternal person I know is pregnant with second dc and that has.also made me feel miserable.

Thanks for reading, just wanted a rant.

EmilyPinkOrBlue Sat 08-Mar-14 21:25:01

Hi Zimbo I hope my story can give you the hope you are looking for when I was younger I had a broken condom and I took the morning after pill and I still got pregnant! So there is a chance! Sadly as I was young and not in a stable relationship I had to terminate the pregnancy. On cycle 2 of Ttc with my lovely fiancé smile x

ClockTicking7533 Mon 10-Mar-14 21:29:40

ZimboMum,
I feel your pain. My husband doesn't have anxiety issues but he doesn't want a second baby "right now" and it's killing me, it's all I can think about. Some days he sounds like he's on the fence, so I get my hopes up only to have him confirm "no". I can't enjoy sex with him at all because of it, and I don't know how those in the same situation do it. I can't separate the two in my mind, and every month is a waste. I love him and he loves me but he's making me miserable and I don't know if I'll get over it. By the time he comes around, I'll be too old, despite him claiming we won't have any issues, like he's a doctor (he barely understands how a menstrual cycle works).
I can only imagine how hard it would be if he was paranoid like you describe yours (checking condom, asking you take MAP).
Was he like that when you tried for your first?

ZimboMum Tue 11-Mar-14 19:59:47

Thanks Emily - I guess there is always a chance! Good luck with ttc with your lovely fiancé.

Clock - it sounds like you totally get what I mean. Dh wasn't so anxious when we ttc ds, its just got worse since then. I also dont see the point in dtd - why would you bother if you're not trying to make a beautiful baby.

Dh says that he feels this is the only issue that will drive a wedge between us. I will resent him if we dont try for another and he will resent me if I force him into it and rock the status quo. Isnt really something to compromise about. Good luck with trying to persuade your dh.

blamber Wed 12-Mar-14 14:13:39

It would be better if your husband is feeling better and is more stable before having another baby, but he needs professional help. Try to make him understand how the anxiety is limiting both your lives and that it may affect your child if he copies his behaviour. Maybe make an appointment with the GP where you can go to together.

ZimboMum Wed 12-Mar-14 16:48:13

I am terrified of the dentist and we had a deal that I would go for a check up if he made an appointment fo see a professional about his anxiety. Ive been to the dentist but surprise, surprise he hasn't made an appointment. He carries the number around with him though. [Hmm] I have said we'll go together and offered to make the appointment. He won't talk to gp about it in case his employers or future employers ask to see his medical records. Head. Brick wall. He has an answer for everything.

Now I am feeling more rational I can see that we need tt
o sort one thing out at a time, and if the anxiety was addressed it may lead to a change of heart. Really difficult to help someone who won't help themselves.

Lindsay81 Thu 13-Mar-14 11:50:31

Hi there- I wanted to comment on this because I was in the same position my with my husband around 18 months ago. He felt he was too depressed and anxious to have our first child. I have been ready for so long and it was a very painful time for me. I've got to be honest and say that if he isn't ready, then the last thing you want is a swimmer making it's way out of that hole and doing it's thing! It's hard to accept because you want it so bad, and it will probably take you a while to accept it after you decide that you need to.

I tried very hard to focus on other things that were helpful for him and our marriage. We started doing new things together that we'd never done (long Sunday walks and quiet Sundays- no driving, TV or work etc) and I stopped asking about the depression and anxiety. He started talking about it a bit more an eventually got some help from the doctor who referred him for some cognitive behaviour therapy.

The weird thing is, he never actually felt the need to go. It was like once a "professional" validated the fact that he was feeling this way and it was "justified", he kind of sorted things out in his own head. A bit of meditation (through some of the iPhone apps like Buddhify and Headspace) helped but in egenral, it kind of worked it's way out.

Once it did, he was open to starting a family (which is a whole other story as we are over a year into this with no success! LOL!). Everyone is different and so please feel free to ignore this post if you don't think it is appropriate. My only "advice" is to step back a bit, help his issues in some indirect ways and let some time pass.

Very best of luck to you and your family.

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