The Right Time to start TTC?(16 Posts)
I'm in a bit of a conundrum and need some help please!
My partner and I are getting married in May, and we would have loved to have a honeymoon baby. We are both very much longing for a baby.
The only slight hiccup ... We live in a 1 bedroom house. (Just to clarify it is not a flat, it's just like any other house except with just 1 bedroom). Now I've fluctuated between two different mind sets. The 'a baby doesn't need it's own nursery' and the 'should we save for a bigger house so that we can start as we mean to go on'
I've had different opinions from people, which in a way is confusing me more. The parents (both mine and his) are not exactly keen on us having a baby in a small house. Whereas other close friends have said 'look, the baby needs your love and attention. It does not need a state of the art nursery.' One of my friends pointed out 'you own your own house, which most people would kill for in their 20's, so be grateful you have somewhere to raise a baby'
I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place lately. Not sure which way to go. If we were to wait, It would take at least 3 years to get a new house. And babies is all I think about now so I dread to think what I'll be like in 3 years!
Other circumstances: both me and my fiancé have good stable jobs that offer maternity/paternity leave, we get good pay, we both drive and parents/friends are close and supportive.
Thanks for your help on this!
Glitterbug- i am in a similar life stage as you. DP and i are living in his house and saving for a more long term home. We are hoping to get married and start TTC within 2 years ( i hope).
I personally have struggled with the idea of putting off ttc too long as, like many, i am worried that it may take a long time.
If i were you i would save for a house, and try the 'not trying not to get pregnant' thing. Hopefully by the time you have a baby you may be a lot closer to a bigger place than you are now?
The baby could stay in with you for about a year, so wouldn't need a nursery, so that would be 1 year and 9 months of your 3 years! What are your room like? Could you partition off your bedroom to make a little cot room?
however as someone who accidentally had a honeymoon baby, I would say chill out! I wish we had had a bit of time to enjoy being a married couple, have a few more mini breaks, meals out and just relaxing! Once baby is here, they are there for the duration! It's a long time getting babysitters for nights out, child friendly holidays, crying and bickering toddlers! We lived together and were in our '30's when we married but I still feel a bit disappointed. Maybe that's because my honeymoon turned out to be a bit rubbish and it turned out to be my last child free holiday!
Stardusty - I'm exactly the same! I feel that if I was until I have a huge house, it could take me 2+ years to conceive it I like your idea of 'not trying not to get pregnant'. Think I might give it a go! Thanks! X
You will be fine in your small house to begin, but the baby will not be a baby for long and eventually will be out of a cot and needing a bedroom. Even if you got pregnant right away, you are pregnant for nine months and then if you can fit a normal size cot in your room, you could manage for another year or so on top of that.
So I would say if you think moving to a 2 bed in the next 2 to 3 years is possible you will be fine. If not you will probably feel quite crowded with one bedroom and a toddler. However it will be hard to save to move while you are on maternity leave.
Reading very simply into your post, if it will take 3 years to move into a bigger house, are you prepared to wait 3 years for a baby? How would you feel if it then took a few years to conceive on top of those 3 years?
I take it you are both in your 20s from what you say. Late 20s, early 20s? I ask because that would influence my decision if I'm honest.
From what I'm reading, you are both ready and want a baby soon. That to me is exactly what I would be listening to. You have a house, good stable jobs, and family who will support you when the baby arrives. That is more that enough reasoning in my head. Personally, if I were you, I would be coming off the contraception now (if you are on hormonal contraception of some form) and using condoms until you got married in May, and then ttc from there. What happens after that, is meant to happen in my opinion. A baby does not need it's own nursery, babies have lived in tiny spaces for years. A 3 year old can still share a small house with you.
From personal experience, we put off ttc when we first got married 3 years ago to a)buy a house and b) because my DH had to spend a lot of time away from work. I am now 28, DH is 30 in a month. I have been off the pill about 9 months, we are starting month 6 of ttc and I am desperate for a baby and we are both regretting not starting ttc sooner as it looks like we might be in for a longer ride in this ttc that we hoped.
You never know how long it will take to ttc. You have stable jobs, a good relationship and you both want a baby. That is what I would focus on.
Good luck with your decision. It's not an easy one. Perhaps give it a few months space and see how you feel. I found my feelings became more and more clear over a few months as I let myself mull things over.
Sorry, I meant DH had to spend a long time away with work (military deployments) not away from work!
My partner had the same thought for when we got married. Though we both had secure good jobs but not enough for a lovely big spacious house. We also live in a 1 bedroom flat though. We have been married 3 years but now not waiting around because of age hitting 30 this year! We wont be able to save enough for another couple more but we are happy and that's the main thing. If you are still young then maybe you can prolong it. However you may find you can conceive during cycle 1 or maybe up to a year or more. That's the risk we took.
I just wish we started a bit earlier, but then that's a personal opinion. Currently being on cycle 2 only. Talk to your partner and decide what's best for both of you, because you will both need to live with the arrangements either way.
Good luck xxxx
Thanks for all your advice ladies. I don't essentially need to save for a house, we just need to reduce our mortgage a bit more so that when we sell our house we have enough money left to buy a bigger one. Our bedroom can fit a full size cot. Which I suppose is a positive! But then people say that having the baby in the room with you creates bad habits, and that it will be difficult to get them to sleep in their own room?
Oh God ignore all the sleep nonsense! If they create bad habits, it won't take that long to get them into new habits! Don't let that be a reason not to have a baby! ( I'm contradicting myself, I know!) My 3 year old was in our room until he was 1 and he is fiercely independent now!
Crack on with TTC ! I wish I had been in that situation earlier in my life ie a suitable partner. Good luck.
Hi Glitterbug! I don't think there's ever a right time in normal circumstances. There will always be something that gets in the way! The important thing is that you and your partner are in the same place re wanting a baby.
We put off ttc last year because of my job (initially it was whether or not I would still have one and then it became about whether or not I'd become permanent) and we decided to put it on hold. That I did find hard but in a way it may have been a good thing as last year ended up being a very difficult year for a couple of reasons and throwing in ttc would have added more pressure!
Saying that though, there is a part of me that does regret putting ttc on hold - especially because of my job (am still in the same situation again - will I or will I not become permanent) so it feels like we 'lost' a year. Throw in the age issue, well my husband's age (he's 40, I'm 31) and I'm trying very hard not to stress about it - we haven't even had a proper month of trying as he is travelling a lot!
Sorry for waffling, what I'm trying to say is something will always crop up. You have a home, stable jobs and a support system. That's a good start! Also if it's any consolation, my parents raised my brother in one room (that's right, no house, just a room) until they managed to buy a house when he was first born!
Thanks for all your advice ladies. It's put a lot of things into perspective. I think it will just be a case of 'if it happens it happens' and try not to get too wrapped up in it this early on. Thanks all x
I agree with others a lot depends on age.
A lot more people end up with fertility issues than i realised something like 1/7 couples.
Also consider how many you would like ideally.
(A lot of people have no trouble with first and struggle unexpectedly with second.)
Fertility declines from 35 (both) so i would definitly aim to have them by them.
We tried from 29 (had issues and baby was born via icsi when i was 32)
I am 24 my fiancé is 27 we are onto our second house purchase together a victorian semi that needs TONS of work it's only a 2 bed and my mum lives with us so no room for a baby/child in many peoples eyes but we can't wait the 5-10 years that it might take us to save enough money for an extension so the baby/child will have to sleep with us till then. It seems to be taboo in the uk for this to happen but half the worlds population live in only one room per family so I don't see the problem. Have a baby because you and your partner want one not because it's the right time or your family say x y z. As people have said people may wait till the right time and it take them months/years to get pregnant. I'm really glad ive started now - af due on weds so fingers crossed till then
Sorry you are in such a tricky situation - 3 years sounds like a very long time to wait for a baby but I also understand why you feel your living situation isn't ideal.
Just remember that in terms of finances, it will be harder to save money or reduce your current mortgage once the baby comes as opposed to how easy you will find it now. If you think it will realistically take you 3 years now before you can afford a bigger place then it's likely it will take you much longer to reach that financial position once the baby is actually here.
Yes the baby can stay in with you for a year - but then what?
Some couples move the baby into their own nursery when they are about 3 months old because the implications of having a baby/infant sharing the adult's bedroom can be hard to deal with in some circumstances.
I don't know how old you are but if you are still in your 20's then I'd focus on saving for a bigger house and get yourself settled in an environment that will be more conducive to starting a family.
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