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Desperate for second - husband not on-board

(12 Posts)
ClockTicking7533 Tue 18-Feb-14 20:26:30

I am 35, my husband 38. We have a 2 1/2 year old daughter. Since her birth (and two years of sleepless nights), neither have us have felt ready for a second baby -- until I did in December after a 'scare' during which I thought I might be pregnant for a couple of days. I was surprised by how excited I was at the prospect, and since then, it's all I can think about.

My husband however is still not ready for a baby 'right now'. He's not against the idea, but wants to wait (until some undefined time).

At 35, I don't want to wait any longer to at least try. We conceived our first within two months, and DH thinks it will be just as quick now, almost four years later. I'm convinced deep down that it won't be. I also don't want our children to be too far apart, or come out of the diaper/sleep deprivation phase completely before getting into it again.

Of course, seeing almost every friend of mine having their second is making me feel worse.

Us not wanting the same thing is killing me. I feel like he's rejecting me and our life as a family, and take his refusal as a lack of faith in our future and our ability as parents. As we're already parents with a child, I don't see the prospect of a second as being a fundamental change like having a first. I don't like sex anymore, as it's just a direct and (figuratively) painful reminder of our differing feelings. Every month, when I ovulate (right now), when my period comes, I feel such a sense of loss.

I'm sorry to crash the TTC section, but I didn't know where else to post this. Has anyone else had to confront this? Does anyone have any uplifting stories to share, of similarly negative hubbies who saw the light quickly?

I've decided to not tell anyone about wanting a second, so I'm hoping sharing on this forum will help me deal with this a bit.

Thanks in advance and good luck to everyone this month!

AwfulMaureen Wed 19-Feb-14 08:44:41

My Dh was the same until a friend of his said something like "It's up to you of course but I couldn't have just the one....I keep thinking about my one child being left to deal with our funerals alone when we die"

It's not a nice thought of course but it made DH see further than his own nose. He thought about how our older DD would be if she never married and had no sibling and we got old and she would have the worry alone.

senorita81 Wed 26-Feb-14 20:39:35

I'm in the same position, I want a baby desperately but my partner wants to wait till the end of this year to even try. Its breaking my heart as I all I think about is babies (this would be my first) Its an all consuming feeling and it's putting some strain on the r/ship as he's getting fed up with having the same conversation over. I wish this baby fever feeling would go away or at least fade a bit so that I can focus on something else for the next 7 months till he's ready to try sad

EmilyPinkOrBlue Wed 26-Feb-14 20:46:57

Excuse me if I'm wrong but if you ladies are in control of your birth control then you are in the driving seat as to if you concieve? Just forget a few pills or take out your device? I don't think anyone should stand in your way not even a partner. But that's just my opinion I don't wish to offend x

thegreatgatsby101 Wed 26-Feb-14 20:57:29

Emily - you're kidding right?! That is unbelievably devious and so, so wrong.

EmilyPinkOrBlue Wed 26-Feb-14 21:08:21

What's worse perhaps forgetting a pill and becoming pregnant and everyone being happy or waiting till your other half is 'ready' and you are no longer able to get pregnant?

yummymango Wed 26-Feb-14 21:19:01

hmmm. I would probably say that if you really want a baby now more than ANYTHING else then yes, go for it. However, if you value your relationship then perhaps you might be better off trying to change his mind. Could you maybe say something like because of your age the doctor has said you should try sooner rather than later? Alternatively, maybe you could make a compromise with him, meet him half way?
I had my first baby at 35 and am only just trying for my second at 38 - you have some time, albeit I understand you don't want to wait too long.

TribbleWithoutATardis Wed 26-Feb-14 21:26:29

Emily Children are stressful on relationships, yes accidents can happen but the consequences of what your suggesting could be catastrophic. It takes two people to make a child, one half of a couple shouldn't make the decision for the whole family unit.

EmilyPinkOrBlue Wed 26-Feb-14 21:35:21

As I said I don't want what I've said to be taken the wrong way on this site people are asking for people's opinions and inputs and sometimes you aren't going to agree with people. Most contraceptions are all 99.9 percent effective anyway do an accident could happen at any time. I think most men if faced with an unplanned pregnancy wouldn't ask their partner to abort so perhaps everyone gets what they want with my suggestion?

junkfoodaddict Wed 26-Feb-14 21:35:50

Wow! You are me!!!
I am 35, DH coming up 38 and we have a just turned 2 year old. Up until October 2013, my DH was dead against having a second child. He's an only child and kept saying that he was fine being an only child and so would our son (I'm the youngest of 2). I have always been insistent on having a sibling for our boy as I said that his parents are elderly (76 & 85), he has no contact with his cousins; just his aunt and uncle and I have no contact with my cousins and sadly not my older brother and his family (wife and niece); just my parents. I don't want our son growing up with nobody. He has just his parents and both sets of grandparents which we all know, won't last forever! It brings fear to me to think that, God forbid, anything happens to us when he's in his twenties, he'd be all alone.
Luckily for me, my DH admitted that he was scared to have two because both me and DS nearly died during labour/birth and for a week, we went through a traumatic time with DS in SCBU. Basically, it was the fear of things going wrong which stopped DH from agreeing to a second. Ask him what his reasons are for not wanting a second.

Do you think it's because of the sleepless nights? if so, I would try a different apporach with number 2. , sleeps the night through (since 8 months - he always wanted/needed a bottle about midnight) From being 8 weeks, I put DS to bed at 7pm after a bath, bottle and story. For about a month he cried and whimpered for about 30 minutes, reducing each time and when I went in to him, I patted and said sssh rather than speak to him Sometimes I picked him up. Feeding was done with no talking too. He has NEVER, EVER been a hassle getting to bed and sleeps 11-12 hours a night. I am not saying my way works for everyone, but certainly ALL of my mummy friends have issues with their toddlers and bedtimes because (and they admit) they never had a bedtime routine - no set time for be, no regular routine to get ready for bed, constantly tending to their every whim when they wake etc, etc.

You may both regret not having a second child in years to come. But if you do decide to have a second baby, you will NEVER regret having that child in your life.

I would NEVER condone going behind your partner back though. Friends told me to do that and I would NEVER, EVER do it. I have the upmost respect for my husband and I would feel utterly cheated and betrayed if my DH did something to 'trap' me. A baby is for life and to force someone into the position of becoming a father, whether it is for the first or second time or whatever, is devious and callous.

I am shocked Emily that you would even ADVISE someone to cheat. It takes two to conceive and you have no right to force someone to unwittingly create a life they may not be emotionally ready for.

Beamur Wed 26-Feb-14 21:39:32

I would have liked another child but DP does not. We've talked (and cried) about this but he has not changed his position. I do understand his reasons though, and respect them.
It's been very hard and painful but I have accepted we are not having another.

ClockTicking7533 Thu 27-Feb-14 08:47:56

Hi everyone,
Finally, a lot of replies!
I stopped taking the pill five years ago and never went back on it after I had my daughter. We use condoms, or nothing, if I know my period is coming the next day, so there's no way for me trick him! I DO, however, regret revealing my feelings to him, because we could have got 'caught up in the moment' at some point (on Day 14, for example!) and I could have accidentally got pregnant. I know he would have been OK with it once it happened, and it wouldn't have been the same as lying, saying I was on the pill, etc. Can't do that now - he's onto me!
JUNKFOODADDICT, I had a difficult birth too, and PPD for a while, so I know that's likely scaring him off too. It's so hard.

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