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Sperm donors and single parenthood...

(17 Posts)
SashaBurton Thu 06-Feb-14 17:35:08

Hi guys I wanted some advice from people who may have been in my position or at least understand. I am 22 years old, Finishing my degree in economics May 2014. I have always wanted to be a parent from a young age but I have struggled to get into a solid relationship despite being told I am good looking etc� My mother has always felt I am too young to worry and should go traveling and find myself but I know what I want to do is have a child. Yesterday I told my parents that I was considering adopting which they reluctantly accepted that this is what I want. Now im considering a sperm donor, as I want to have that bond with the child and carry it to term. I know people might think I�m young but I�ll have a degree and I have savings (around �8k) I really don�t think I will miss out on �life� but having kids young. Any opinions? Has anybody else used a sperm donor and become a single parent?

Sasha

allchatnicknamesgone Thu 06-Feb-14 17:57:59

Yes, of course you will miss out on life by having them in the circumstances you have described and how much have you considered the actual child in your thoughts?
Sorry to be blunt, but I could write an essay here and you are obviously a bright girl doing a degree so I don't want to be patronising. I know what it is like to yearn for a child and I understand you are nervous it won't happen for you because you don't currently have a boyfriend, but you need to talk to your parents again and your friends and any other support network you have.

naty1 Thu 06-Feb-14 18:49:33

I can honestly say after having a baby it is amazing but it would be very hard alone.
If you are single you would need good support close by.
8k is not a lot of money you may need to pay for sperm and treatment go on a waiting list. The child has the right to find out who the father is from sperm donation.
Im not sure your she and circumstances would qualify for adoption.
Focus on getting a job after uni, then you get maternity leave and pay.
I think our kid cost over 2k in first year at least and you still need your food, house etc.
Nursery can be expensive.
To put in perspective i think you are less likely to find the correct boyfriend if you already have a child as it all becomes more complicated (and you would be in the house looking after baby.
I wouldnt suggest fertility treatment unless you have to there are risks to anything

PosyFossilsShoes Thu 06-Feb-14 20:07:19

You're not too young at 22, I know brilliant mums who were 18-25 when they had their first. Saying that, there is no way I would have been in a place to do it at 22 myself, I was still working so much out for myself.

I'm using donated sperm. Things to be aware of:

* If you use donor sperm at a clinic in the UK, it is BLOODY expensive. About £850 for a shot of jizz and another £750 for the actual insemination.

* If you do the home donor route, be very careful who you do it with. Agreements you make with the man who will "just have an uncle role" are worthless if he decides in 5 years that he doesn't like the way you're bringing the child up and actually wants shared responsibility.

* If you use a donor website to find a home donor, be sure that the person you choose is an altruist not a pervert - there have been stories of men turning up to donate and then persuading the (desperate) women that it's more likely to succeed if the donation is delivered in the, erm, traditional way.

SashaBurton Thu 06-Feb-14 20:37:27

Thank you PoseyFossilShoes.
I understand where your comming from but I have worked a season abroad I've had some amazing experience I even took my neice to morroco 2 weeks ago with a friend and her son. So deep down i know I'm ready to have some of my own.

I didn't consider that (them trying to encourage you to do it the traditional way) but hopfully it will be ok. I've gone down the home donor route. I am scared about being a single mom but I know I have a good family network that can help

allchatnicknamesgone Thu 06-Feb-14 22:44:45

I didn't mean 22 was too young to become a parent, but 22 is too young to artificially inseminate yourself to become a single mum. I have been a single mum myself btw.

Again, I think you should talk it through more with your parents who are going to have to support you immensely. I would even suggest seeing a councillor to talk through every angle.

Good luck to you and hope you make the right decision for the child ultimately.

SashaBurton Fri 07-Feb-14 18:26:47

I understand your concern but this isn’t something I considered yesterday. I’ve wanted to be a mother since I was about 13 but I’ve always struggled to connect with males. Everybody keeps telling me one day it will happen and to just live life but my only happiness is when I’m around my nieces, nephews and younger brothers apart from that I feel socially out casted (even though I’m not I have A LOT of friends I just don’t want to interact with them anymore) all I think about is being a parent, all I do is look at prams and cots. I just want a baby.

NoArmaniNoPunani Fri 07-Feb-14 18:30:24

Why don't you want to interact with your friends? You'll be very isolate as a single parent if you're not interested in interacting with others.

MooncupGoddess Fri 07-Feb-14 18:34:28

How would you make the finances work, OP? It's hard to imagine an entry-level job that would enable you to afford childcare, so would you be living on benefits?

Do you have a support network in terms of people who would help with emergencies, babysitting etc? It is hard work being a single parent on a low income.

SashaBurton Fri 07-Feb-14 18:47:58

I am just not interested in the things my friends are any more. I have never been a big drinker anyway but I have no interest in night out or passing out in the street… I think we have just grown apart. I took my niece (who’s 2 months old) to Morocco for 5 days 2 weeks ago and I did not want to give her back to my sister.

My mother would help out a lot but finance’s would be hard. I’m planning to do my PGCE while im pregnant and train as a primary school teacher.

NoArmaniNoPunani Fri 07-Feb-14 19:08:57

I don't really understand your rush (but then I'm 32 and married and still not ready for a baby!) I was desperate for a baby a few years ago and looked into sperm donation. But after I looked into it and really examined my reasons I couldn't be sure that what I was planning was in the best interests of the potential child. Choosing single parenthood in mid thirties and beyond, when you really know yourself, are settled in career etc is very different from making that decision in early twenties.

seasavage Fri 07-Feb-14 22:18:52

Changed my name to get the point across:
1. A PGCE whilst pregnant. No. OK it's not impossible but it is a lot of stress. it's full time study and a part-time job (minimum). And you need to pass well then go straight into a job to do your NQT year, without that you will have to do it again.
2. Single parenthood. I am all for people becoming singleparents where it is a responsible decision with back up. But get your career on track, find friends at your level of intrrest. Make friends with parents. Develop a support network FOR the child. As for age 22 is very young yet.
3. Why is a 2 month old going away without their mother. I'd be far more concerned for the mother's health than my own broody feelings. But then I have been a teacher and am a parent. Being responsible for children means knowing that child's support network is a good one. Not running off on a jolly.

Harsh. But get your self together. Take the reins to be a parent who could choose to adpot OR get a donor. Accept no less than the criteria for adoption for your own child.

naty1 Fri 07-Feb-14 22:58:11

Not to be rude but when people donate i imagine they think they are helping a genuinely infertile couple or person who needs this in order to have a child and that they are in a position to support the child.
In some ways its wrong to take away the limited sperm donated from people who need it. There is currently a shortage i believe due to the father being "named"
Pop over to some of the infertility threads to see about people waiting on nhs waiting lists.
Its good to have kids young but no harm done waiting till say 25.
Is your sister a single parent.
Will you live with your parents?
Are you maybe feeling a little depressed?

Treaclepie19 Fri 07-Feb-14 23:07:59

I really would not suggest a PGCE while pregnant...
Not to sound patronising but do you understand the working hours of a teacher?
I teach in primary and fully plan on giving up work until my children are in full time school as I know the pressure I'm under now.
I am almost 2 years older than you so not much difference and understand the want for a child... However, think practically about how to give your child the best life.

juneybean Fri 07-Feb-14 23:16:18

You're in exactly the same position I was in at 22 and I was completely flamed when I posted on here all those years ago and guess what I'm still single and am now finally given serious consideration to doing this.

If it's what you want, go for it! You're not doing anything wrong.

I'm sure sperm donors don't mind where their sperm goes naty1 what a ridiculous comment, they give their sperm to help someone have a child.

As she's single, she won't be taking precious sperm from NHS couples, she will be paying for it!

DevonLoch Fri 07-Feb-14 23:49:28

If I am being honest you sound like you are suffering from loneliness and interesting your mum thinks you need to go off and find yourself. That sounds like good advice. It does sound like you need to do some soul searching as to why you want to do this now. Is it to replace a gap in your life? I know lots of people who have wanted kids since they were little girls and I can quite see why you would go down this route if you were 10-15 years older but at 22, with no career yet and no other half, it just seems so drastic. What is the real reason for the rush?
I also think you will be cutting off chances at meeting someone. You're young, so much time to meet the love of your life and have kids with him.
Best of luck with whatever you decide.

bellaboo88 Sat 08-Feb-14 00:13:07

Hey, I'm 25, I did the career thing a lot younger then you & got to the top, now finally feel ready...I'll b honest, i think you're throwing away everything you're working towards. I'd go get your dream career then think kids, you're only just starting out in the world.

Sounds stupid maybe but personally I wanted nice car/own home before kids as I want my kids to have a good childhood & do stuff like go Lapland at Xmas, Disney Florida etc.....8k doesn't touch a mortgage deposit & as much as I love my parents to bits, I needed independance. I'd wait a little longer, you might meet man of your dreams yet...don't rush :-)

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