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TTC but my sister is going through potential last shot of IVF next month...do I tell her?

(9 Posts)
Mojojobo2012 Thu 23-Jan-14 12:54:17

We've just started trying for our second DC but haven't told anyone. My sister has just told me they're trying their last lot of IVF soon, they've been TTC for many years without success and I know she found my previous pregnancy difficult, not that she ever let me know. So I don't know if I should forewarn her that we're trying again or stay quiet so she can just focus on her own situation. She finds it, understandably, stressful each time they go through IVF and I don't want to add to the stress. But equally is it better that she knows that we maybe getting pregnant soon so it's not a horrible bombshell to drop on her if I'm preg and she's not? Obviously I'm assuming the worst that she may not get preg but praying for the best....

WipsGlitter Thu 23-Jan-14 13:07:13

Very tricky. You know her best. I'd probably say nothing until the next round is over for her. It will be three months before you say anything anyway so she'll know by then if it's worked for her or not.

moggle Thu 23-Jan-14 13:22:09

Not that I know anything about your situation, but if she's anything like me, she is probably already expecting you to be TTC (unless you're going for a really small age gap or something). We've been TTC for a couple of years and I basically expect a pg announcement from everyone, every time I see them, that way there's less chance to be shocked by an unexpected announcement. Although I already suspected they were, I found out my (younger) brother and his wife were TTC by finding their conception vits (I wasn't sneaking - they were just on top of the microwave in the kitchen!). Fortunately I was in the house alone (dogsitting) at the time so could process it properly, it was a good way to find out without the awkwardness of them having to mention it, or the bombshell-ness of finding out they were pg with no warning.

But honestly, I agree with wips, it's a really tricky one. There's no 'ideal' way to do it, only the least painful. If you are the type of sisters who talk to each other about things like that, maybe just being honest and telling her you are planning to try again soon would be best. Or a thoughtful email so she doesn't have to try and respond appropriately 'in person'. Just depends what's normal for you. It's so difficult and I hate that people have to sometimes pussyfoot around us about this. But I am glad when they do. Except when I'm not glad when they do!

Floggingmolly Thu 23-Jan-14 13:24:02

No. What have you to tell her, exactly? Announcing an actual pregnancy is different. You never know, she could well be doing just that before you...

bassingtonffrench Thu 23-Jan-14 13:25:44

yes, you should tell her.

this happened to a friend of mine. she didn't mention it to her sister which made it more of a bombshell when she immediately conceived. Her sister had a baby a couple of years later.

my friend felt so bad about it she waited TTC number 2 until her sister had had the baby!

eurochick Thu 23-Jan-14 13:30:15

If you are only just starting ttc and she is cycling, it seems likely that the round will be over before you have a pregnancy to announce, so I would wait until it is over. IVF is incredibly stressful and if she feels the need to "compete" it might just add to the stress. I can't see a downside in waiting for just a few weeks.

I'd change that advice if I am wrong about the timing and you might be well into a pregnancy before the IVF is over and you would normally ahve told her at an earlier stage.

Mojojobo2012 Thu 23-Jan-14 14:26:59

Thanks everyone, I think I will wait till her IVF is done. I can't imagine waiting till 3 months to tell her but she knows we're wanting more so hopefully the shock will be less if I get preg again. Hopefully we'll both be pregnant by then!

Mojojobo2012 Thu 27-Feb-14 14:06:23

So I'm now in a right pickle about this. I got pregnant straight away, I'm now about 7 weeks. But sis is slap bang in the middle of IVF treatment, and she'll know in just over 2 weeks if it's worked. If it works then I can tell her straight away I guess? But if it doesn't there will never be a good time......any thoughts on how long I wait? Husband seems to think I should just tell her, she'll be happy yada yada yada, but I very much disagree. I don't want anything to jeopardise her chances and she's feeling positive and relatively relaxed about the treatment so far. I feel so guilty that I have had instant success when she's been trying for so long. And it's awful keeping such a huge thing secret from her, especially as my last pregnancy resulted in a premmie (all ok in the end but very scary at the time) so I'm high risk this time. Any words of wisdom lovely mumsnetters??

cookielove Thu 27-Feb-14 21:33:27

I think you should wait till she finds out, only so she can focus on herself.

Fx for your sister and you smile

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