Surrogacy

[WhatToDoHmm]

I'm hoping someone might have some advice on how to approach this subject. Name changed for obvious reasons.

My sister and her husband have been TTC for years. 3 at least I think. There are some health issues for both of them although I don't want to ask so I don't know the details. They've started to look into their options such as adoption.

I want to offer to be a surrogate. Obviously with their own eggs/sperm if possible, I would be housing only.

I don't know how to bring this up in conversation. What if she is offended or finds it insulting? What if they don't want me to and I've made it uncomfortable and upsetting for them? But what if it's something they want but don't know how to ask?

I have one DD myself. My DH and I are hoping for one more child ourselves soon. That's another issue I suppose, of timing, and that I will need another CS for any more pregnancies.

[Vatta]

Wow. That's a lovely thought. I'm having difficulty TTC and if one of my sisters offered, I'd be over the moon. I wouldn't ask, wouldn't want them to feel pressured, so you may be right they don't like to ask you.

There are definitely charities that advise on these things, and there is usually advice to have therapy (maybe group therapy) or guided discussion about the issues that could come up before you make a decision. Eg - how will you feel about "just" being an aunt after carrying the baby, what if you disagree with their parenting choices etc.

I think it would be best to approach your sister one on one, and to present it as a "I was wondering what you would think about this? Is it worth looking into to see if it could work for us all?". What you definitely shouldn't do is present it as a definite offer, as if you change your mind during the therapy, that could be very disappointing/hard for her.

But absolutely in your shoes I'd want to raise it as a possibility.

[Vatta]

Ps look at www.surrogacyuk.org/ and www.surrogacy.org.uk/

[QOD]

What you need to realise that if the problem is with their eggs or sperm, you offering to be their ivf incubator makes no difference.

If your sister can't hold a pregnancy, due to womb issues then yes, you carrying for them would help of course.

If maybe blocked Fallopian tubes not allowing her to get pregnant, if they need ivf, they'd use HER womb, what's the point of using yours?

You get me?
I'm not being mean by the way, this is a subject close to to home!

I have a dd from a surrogate. If we'd gone the ivf route, we'd have tried it on me first

My dd is a straight surrogate which means nothing wrong with dh sperm, fertile friend, turkey boaster equivalent ...

[QOD]

Boaster, not boaster ... Although she did boast a bit .. Deservedly!

[QOD]

Fucking autocorrect :D

Baster

[WhatToDoHmm]

Vatta thank you that's very helpful. I'll look at those websites.

QOD you're absolutely right and that's the main reason that's holding me back. I don't want to pry into their personal health issues, but then I won't know if my offer is any use or not.

I've had a good long think about if I could do it. And I'm certain I could. I could very much love that child as an aunt and keep my distance. I would know from the start that it was not my baby to keep. I think having had a child myself first has helped.

It's such a personal emotive subject to talk about.

[WhatToDoHmm]

When they started investigations I know they said they couldn't find any problems, but that might have changed now I suppose.

[Alanna1]

I think you should complete your own family first. Carrying a baby for someone else before you are sure you've finished is a recipe for emotional stress, I think. And If something goes wrong, that could cause permanent issues for you both.

But otherwise I think it a fine idea. My sister and I have joked that we'd have done it for each other (both finished our families the usual way).

[QOD]

It's great for them to know you are there, but if you are "only" offering your baking facilities that's usually last chance saloon after they've tried their own ivf etc

I'd just casually say one day "you know I'd do host ivf for you don't you" and leave it at that

Thing is, you asking her whats wrong is not prying, it's caring ... And I have to tell you, when us infertile ladies can't have babies, EVERYTHING anyone else says is wrong :(.

We get pissed off if you don't ask
We get pissed off if you do ask
We get pissed off if you act like you don't care
We get pissed off if you can like you do care

We can be horribly spikey

[WhatToDoHmm]

I really appreciate the input thanks everyone. I shall casually drop it into a relevant conversation as above and then she knows she can ask if she needs or wants to. In the mean time, I'll carry on hoping and keeping everything crossed for them.

[QOD]

No problem.

With the greatest of respect, an offer of host surrogacy may be of no use, you know? Best you make it clear that you would help her with ivf etc

I had sooooo many people say to me over the years "oh I'd have had one for you" when they actually meant carried one. Which isn't quite the same if you know what I mean!!

Makes me feel all warm inside


"What? What? What have you done?" Says teen

[Mrsden]

If they have unexplained infertility, or male factor or egg problems then you being a surrogate will not help them. You sound like a very lovely and special sister though to be willing to offer this. Perhaps you could ask her generally if there is anything you can do to help them, even if it's just to be a shoulder to cry on. Sometimes there is nothing practical that anyone can do but emotional support is so important.