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Struggling to DTD

(17 Posts)
happypinkpanther Thu 11-Jul-13 07:56:06

Hi guys,

I imagine lots of people have this problem but its REALLY getting me down sad This is only our 3rd month TTC and we are struggling to get down to business. It make me worry there is something wrong with our relationship. I feel like I've been waiting most of my life to TTC and now scared its never going to happen sad

The first month we DTD every 4/5 days, which is alot more than usual- sometimes it would only happen once a month. Last month I was v poorly and we only managed twice (I thought we'd got the timing right but AF arrived). This month I said we needed to DTD every other day, but my husband is too tired and he keeps saying he doesn't want to hurt me because I'm still quite physically disabled. I don't want to put pressure on him but its almost like he thinks its just gonna happen if we do it once! It's making me so sad sad

This probably wasn't a plee for help but more a moan! Sat crying and needed to share. Feels like everyone is getting pregnant and although I know that's not true it's so hard to see all my friend with babies.

Thanks go letting me share guys x

RaRaZ Thu 11-Jul-13 12:09:13

Hey. Sorry to hear you're so down. TTC should be wonderful and exciting....and often it's nothing but stress and worry, which is a shame. Wish we could all make our bodies do what we want them to WHEN we want them to, but that's never going to happen for most of us. Can I ask a couple of things?

1. Are you still physically attracted to DH? Is he the one? Do you HIS kids rather than just kids? DTD is always going to be hard if it's just a means to an end.... I'm quite young, madly in love with DP, and possibly naive, but to me, sex should never be a chore if you love and fancy the person you're doing it with.

2. If you're still unwell and, as you put it, still quite physically disabled, is now the best time to be ttc? Are you strong and healthy enough to do it? I just ask hun because it's never going to happen if your body isn't ready to cope, and you could be putting yourself under unnecessary strain. I know it's probably the last thing you want to do, but might it be better to give yourself a month or two to fully recover - during which time you can do things like improve you diet, start taking folic acid if you haven't already, cut down on alcohol and caffeine, get fit, etc - and then try?

Take care x

happypinkpanther Thu 11-Jul-13 12:44:38

Hey RaRaz

I really appreciate you reply. You are right maybe this extra pressure is really bad right now, I should get better 1st. I just can't help feeling I'd be alot brighter and positive about the future if it happened. I love my husband very much but have always had a rubbish sex drive! Once I stopped my pill though I was like 'wow!! I'm game all the time!' But I think this illness has dampened it back down. You've helped me to think things through and I think the best thing would be to really try and rest up, insist he does too and spend more QUALITY time together without the pressures of TTC.

Thank you x

RaRaZ Thu 11-Jul-13 20:04:30

Not a problem hun, wouldn't let a post like that go unanswered smile . I know how you feel though - I'm desperate for a BFP as well and every week seems the length of a month and I'm desperate to be pg and at least on the road to being a mother, but there's nothing you can do really. Frustrating. But I think it's important that you are healthy both physically and mentally so you can enjoy the pg when it occurs and so you are well enough to carry the baby to term. You don't want to put yourself or your unborn child at risk.

And yes, quality time is really important. Doing the dishes together doesn't count! Have you thought about having a 'date night' and making sure you do something fun one evening every week? Doesn't matter whether you go out or stay in or whether it's just you two or other people as well as long as you have fun together and get away from the mundane and the everyday. Fall in love again smile x

TeaAndANatter Thu 11-Jul-13 20:14:00


A bed picnic (no sex allowed, but snogging if the mood takes you. Snogging banned if mood absent.

A sexy film/programme. A box set of Lip Service (Glasgow lesbian drama) got us both utterly gagging for it.

Horny books. Try amazon for fabulously grubby lit without the purchasing blushes.

Lots of vit B complex (within clinical limits!) and iron.

Romantic walk in the summer evening. No sex or baby talk allowed. Totally off limits.

Hide romantic notes in lunchboxes.

Good luck!

Elektra83 Thu 11-Jul-13 23:13:38

Hi happypinkpanther I second what everyone else said. Take the time to recover. And then use the suggestions from this thread!

My husband and I put off the baby making because of my job situation but said we'd try again in June, that's been and gone and if I'm honest I think the last time we dtd was just before Easter!

I know how you feel, sadly husband is struggling on the old sex drive and from past experience I know that there's nothing I can really do to get his engine running iyswim! I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that we will not be pregnant this year.

On top of that one of my closest friends is pregnant and whilst I'm really happy for her. I can't help but wish it was me.

happypinkpanther Fri 12-Jul-13 07:22:56

Thank you all for your posts and suggestions smile

I'm sorry you're struggling too Elektra, life just keeps getting in the way doesn't it?! I'm even more stressed because I kinda needed to get preg this month to qualify for mat leave because my job contract will finish soon- extra pressure that I don't need!!

Friends are popping them out left-right and centre and I'm happy for them but its soooo hard sad I want to be fancied and for him to want me, and I feel like a preying mantis coming onto him all the time and him not being up for it!

Thank u tho xxx

happypinkpanther Fri 12-Jul-13 07:26:26

Also ironically, the sooner we have a baby the sooner I can restart the medication that controls my condition/disability! So the sooner the better all round, but even more pressure!!!

KeepTheFaithBaby Fri 12-Jul-13 10:41:07

I think Tea has made great suggestions. I'd add massage too - it's great to get skin to skin contact and helped to relax you. We used to agree it wouldn't automatically lead to sex to take the pressure off but we'd do it in bed so if one thing lead to another, great! Just wash massage oil off before touching private parts! Ouch!

Bunnygirlie Fri 12-Jul-13 19:49:36

Hi happy this TTC journey is tough! DH and I are on month 14 and we have had good and bad months, after many years together we were probably only DTD 2/3 times a month to be honest and it didn't mean we didn't love each other any less. So trying to DTD every other day between days 10 and 20 was a struggle and still is, dh even had months when the stress was so bad that he couldn't do it or couldn't face it.

Take it easy and I hope it happens for you!

RaRaZ Fri 12-Jul-13 19:50:24

Have you thought of taking a holiday if you're able to? I understand you're unwell so might not be up to much, but there's plenty of research to suggest that even a short break does wonders for our stress levels and can bring people together as a couple. Some studies I've read say that you're more likely to conceive on holiday too.

fifi669 Sat 13-Jul-13 12:22:48

Elektra maternity leave is granted no matter how long you've been in employment. Maternity pay requires that you have to have been employed from basically when the child was conceived to the 25 week I think it is. Anyway, if you don't qualify for that, there's maternity allowance... Hers a link

fifi669 Sat 13-Jul-13 12:25:02

Sorry that was for happypinkpanther

happypinkpanther Tue 16-Jul-13 07:21:57

Thank you all for your posts smile

bunnygirlie its really reassuring to hear others are in the same boat- we love each other very much but both live such busy lives and get very tired, and we've been together for 12 years. We had a good chat about making time for some quality time together and that is helping. I also explained that sex once a month isn't very conductive to making babies! I really think he didnt realise.

We are planning a holiday RaRaz- we definitely need one!! And in the past we have found they really bring us back closer together.

FiFi my job is contract based and is due to finish next March. I'm really not sure where ill stand if I don't concieve soon?

fifi669 Tue 16-Jul-13 13:50:37

happy as long as you're working for an employer when you conceive and still do at 25 weeks pregnant you'll get smp even if your employment ends before your due date. It's likely you'd qualify for MA if you don't get smp, that's paid via the job centre.

ZiaMaria Tue 16-Jul-13 13:59:51

DH and I also had some issues in the frequency department - we both have very long hour jobs and were often tired. I asked him if he wanted to either (a) DTD every 3 days for the whole month (save when AF cam round) or (b) have me use ovulation sticks and DTD every day for the one week that was really really relevant. He chose option b, and it worked for us. He was also told that its best to keep things 'fresh' so if we didn't have sex one week, I'm be most grateful if he could, ahem, entertain himself.

Not saying it was always the sexiest thing in the world (alarm goes off a t 4:30am...) but it did work.

fifi669 Tue 16-Jul-13 18:14:12

Entertain himself! Ha ha ha ha grin

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