Some of you might recognise me from buses but I am just finding it all so hard right now.
Background: I was told at age 18 that I would probably not be able to have children because of quite extensive endometriosis. I got married at age 26 and came off birth control straight away, a year later we sought advice on how to optimise fertility. Took supplements , used preseed, took temps and used opk's. We were 10 months into this and starting to fill I the Ivf info for the nhs when I suddenly fell pregnant. I now have a gorgeous 17 month old DD.
Now: we would dearly love another and oddly I have been told that it should be no trouble as my tube are clear and uterus can clearly support a pregnancy. We have been back trying since October, using preseed, supplement s etc like before.
I really thought we had it this month. I had some really early spotting, which I thought was implantation. But my period Arrived today 2 days late. I am devastated. I just want to be pregnant so much. I am so desperate. I pray a hundred times a day "pleas eGod give me a baby, let me be pregnant." I have spent so much time on my knees this week desperate for this to be it. And it's not.
It's so hard and I feel like an ungrateful bitch because I know I am lucky to have a beautiful happy healthy girl. I just want one more. I know that's so selfish, but my heart hurts tonight and I don't know what to do or say to make it all ok.
You're not being a selfish bitch, you can't help what you want. Please try to be more gentle on yourself, don't beat yourself up. I'm sorry I don't have anything useful to say, just couldn't read and run
Thank you. I just keep thinking about things like next Christmas and how I dreamt of being pregnant on my big birthday next month and worrying about how big an age gap my children will have if I don't hurry up. All unnecessary I know but whirl in my mind and emotions.
I agree that you need to be less hard on yourself. It knocks you for six when AF arrives and feels a bit like another failure. Having felt this myself we're taking it easy this month and trying to relax. Easier said than done though when all you want is to have a baby. Feels like you have so little control!