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Did anyone wish they had TTC sooner? I am currently waiting to TTC

(48 Posts)
lollydollydrop Wed 01-May-13 22:29:03

Getting slightly paranoid about the whole thing. Background: Me and my OH are both turning 28 this June, we have been together 4 years living together nearly 3 and I am currently doing my Masters so wont graduate until this December. We haven't bought a house yet and cant even afford to save for a deposit either atm, same goes for a wedding. I have always been of the traditional 'married before kids' thought, whilst he wants to buy a house first.

I thought that we may start trying when we turn 30, even though we probably wont have both a house and marriage at this point- lucky if we have one- but I am freaking out at little things which actually mean a lot to me- like if I have my first child when I am 31, when my DC will be 5, my dad will be 70 :'( I dont want this- I want my parents to be as involved as possible, and as active as possible. Same goes for me and OH.

So did anyone wait till they had ticked the things off the list that needed 'doing' before TTC, or did anyone get impatient and start earlier/consider the wider family in their decision to TTC sooner or later?

Sorry to ramble xxx

lollypopsicle Wed 01-May-13 22:43:05

I was 28 when it dawned on me that it would never be 'the right time'. It wasn't long after that we decided to 'see what happens' despite not having our own house, not being married and having debts. I was 29 when DS was born now I'm 32 and expecting number 2. We still don't own our house and we're still not married but we don't have the debts grin
It was absolutely the right thing for us and I have no regrets about choosing to have kids first. We're a lot closer to getting a house now and we will marry 1 day, I hope. To me these things just aren't as important tight now as having a family with the person I love.

TransatlanticCityGirl Wed 01-May-13 22:49:10

I waited til the absolute perfect moment. Married, house, and perfect time in my career to have a baby. It turns out it wasn't the perfect time career wise after all.

You can't predict the turns life will take, so while I think it was quite important having a level of financial stability before having ours, there's truth to the saying that there's never a good time to have a baby.

twinklestar2 Wed 01-May-13 22:53:53

Yes as we got married in April 2011 and waited to have a good summer and a holiday before we started to ttc. Still waiting to conceive our first.

lollydollydrop Wed 01-May-13 23:04:54

Lolly (ditto name!) I understand your decisions, and I also feel that maybe either having a child/starting a family will 'spur' us on to complete these things in life, as at the moment we dont have a huge amount of motivation for them. Admittedly this is probably just due to a lack of finances, as we would both love to be both married and own our own home. My OH's cousin had twins, and it took her and her OH 10 YEARS before they tied the knot! I just feel that my boy would be similar, and marriage goes out the window a bit once you have little ones to feed and clothe. It must be hard to justify the expense of a wedding when you have the outgoings involved with a family. Though it doesnt have to cost a fortune I know, I think it would end up doing!!!

lollydollydrop Wed 01-May-13 23:07:34

Citygirl, when I go back into the world of work, it will be the first time hopefully starting off in a job related to my masters (Org Psy), all my other jobs have been non challenging admin roles and I am capable of so much more, hence return to Uni in frustration, so I know that if I wait for the perfect break in my career... well, that break may never happen (else I'll be 40 and I dont want to be an older mummy)

Have kind of thought if its not happening for me job/career wise then why not start trying and see. I know it will never be 'right', but did you know when it was 'right enough'? I am hoping I will know..

lollydollydrop Wed 01-May-13 23:08:55

Twinkle, how long have you been trying then? Are you happy with your decision? I guess whatever decisions we make in life, we must be happy with them at the time...

UnderwaterBasketWeaving Wed 01-May-13 23:12:00

We cut it fine, got into a good career, got pg, bought a house before he was born. Went back to work ft after short leave so career has continued well. (I was 29, turned 30 just before ds was born)

But, childcare fees equivalent to a mortgage and a half mean we'd never have been able to save for a deposit.

Get onto a first time buyers scheme before you're paying a fortune in childcare. If you decide to work part time, in my experience, it means one wage as the part time one is swallowed by childcare.

But there is never a right time...

twinklestar2 Wed 01-May-13 23:15:48

Been trying since August 2011 so a long long time. Wish I hadn't waited, maybe dtd in those months when we'd waited would have resulted in a BFP?

lollydollydrop Wed 01-May-13 23:19:13

OMG, childcare fees equivalent to a mortgage and a half?! Where in the country is this? We're hoping to buy in the NorthWest where I am from. OH seems to think we will do all three things in the one year- buy a house, get married and get pg!!! TBH, we're both pretty nuts and do tend to do things like that LOL.

I think I agree that the most important thing of the three (from what you say) is get a house first xx

lollydollydrop Wed 01-May-13 23:20:56

Twinkle, things happen for a reason though; perhaps you had things to learn about your relationship/yourself/life before being 'ready' and you will be blessed with a BFP when it is your time. Even if you wanted your time sooner, hopefully there is a reason you will see why it came when it does xx

mrspaddy Wed 01-May-13 23:21:40

There is definitely no right time. You have both achieved a lot and you are still very young. I only met Mr Right in my thirties. One thing I would say is you don't have to go for the big wedding.. we did and both of us said after we wished we had done something simple with the family. We waited to try for a baby which I wish we hadn't. Luckily baby now on the way but of I knew how long it would take I would have tried straight after the wedding day. We didn't live together til the wedding so thought it would be nice to live together on our own.

Don't worry about owning your own place either if you are happy in rented for now. I would say get married.. let nature takes its course. I love being married and life has fallen into place for me.

Really wish you the best. Don't worry.

lollydollydrop Wed 01-May-13 23:32:02

Thanks Mrspaddy,

Unfortunately my OH seems to be less bothered about being married than I, but more bothered about children than I - hence why I have told him I don't want to have a baby when we arent married!!! (Spur him on LOL)
I did think that from Underwater's reply that the house was more important before family, as practically how would we afford to save etc with a young family? Re the low key wedding, I completely understand what you are saying, but I am one of those girls how has always dreamed of their wedding, and although I'm not a spoilt princess I would love an outdoor wedding at an amazing farm venue I found, with loads of wild flowers, activities and games for the guests and children, and a live band (OH's request). A bit like a mini festival :S Its a dream and I am very creative so have lots of ideas and visions for it- even have a scrapbook and sourced some of the games LOL

The other thing about renting... you are never 'safe'. We got turfed out last year as the landlord was moving back from Australia and wanted to live in the house sad And the aim would also be to secure a mortgage with lower repayments than renting would be xx

cosysocks Wed 01-May-13 23:36:29

Had ds1 aged 25, waited another five years before ttc number 2. Wish I hadn't as my follicle count is low now. Been ttc two years, can't help but think that if we tried earlier then out chances of success long term would have been better.

OrangeLily Wed 01-May-13 23:40:11

In some ways yes. We have the education/careers/marriage/home and just assumed a baby would appear quickly and it hasn't.

One thing I would recommend is to stop taking hormonal contraceptives and use a barrier method until you are ready.

Get to know your body and your cycles. I would recommend buying Taking Charge of Your Fertility (book).

lollydollydrop Wed 01-May-13 23:40:44

Hi cosysocks, I'm really sorry to hear this and hope you get your BFP very soon.. Sending babydust your way. How did you know the count was low? I heard somewhere that you can get an estimation of how many eggs you have in your supply so to speak.. but dont know how to do that. I dreamt last week that I went for a smear test and they told me I had 47 (very specific) eggs left and I was hysterical. I have no idea whether 47 is a very low amount in RL confused

lollydollydrop Wed 01-May-13 23:43:33

Thanks for the book recommendation OrangeLily. I havent been using oral for YEARS- the pill sends me completely MENTAL so we do use barrier, which tbh is a pain in the ass and kills our sex life, to the point whereby I have considered going back on the pill, but the mood swings, weight gain, and interuption to fertility stopped me. I will track Ov but I think we will aim to dtd every 3 days and not stress too much about ov. Apparantly thats recommended- keep a constant supply of sperm in there!!! (YUCK!)

mrspaddy Wed 01-May-13 23:52:43

Hi there.. me again .. on a very personal note.. the month we conceived after a long time trying we DTD everyday for the two weeks midcycle. HAd been every second day on GP recommendation. Sorry for TMI

DalaHorse Wed 01-May-13 23:56:57

I didn't meet Mr Right until early 30's but even then I wanted to be married and settled before starting a family, so I waited until that had happened before TTC. (was a bit nerve wracking waiting as the 30's years clocked up but I felt it was important to me to have those things in place). When we were eventually married and stable, I thought it would take ages to conceive but actually conceived first month trying. I had predicted that at my age (mid-late 30s then) it would take at least 6-12 months, at least, if not 2 years, so had settled in for the long haul not expecting a BFP for a long time and planned around that as such (holidays, jobs etc). there's no way of knowing unfortunately!

Now I have the DCs I am grateful that we did have the finances in place and were married, as I think being married did give an extra layer of strength to our relationship, and when you have kids, they are amazing but they do test pretty much all your relationship weak spots, so the stronger you can be together, the better.

DCs have brought me and DH even closer together but DCs need so much from you, in terms of emotionally, financially, time and effort. Once you are pregnant it's the start of a life-long marathon. There are no holidays from the job of being a parent, the show must go on, and of course, you need to keep your relationship on track at the same time. It's harder to be sweet/understanding/sexy when you have got up every night ,twice a night, for the last 10 months +, to see to the baby. Nerves frazzle with lack of sleep. Even if you get a good sleepingbaby initially, the sleeping habits can change with teething etc.

Before I had the first baby I thought it was all tender moments, watching DH rock baby to sleep whilst I rested and watched on with love and affection as a small smile played on my lips. In reality both of you, at some point, will be standing in the nursery at 3am, all lights on, dishevelled, hair wild, morning breath smile shouting (to make yourselves heard) over the screaming baby (DH: "WHAT DOES SHE WANT?" Me: "SHOULD WE TRY MORE MILK?" DH: "WHAT ABOUT SOME CALPOL?" Me "I DON'T KNOW. DOES SHE HAVE A TEMPERATURE? WHERE'S THE THERMOMETER?" DH "YOU HAD IT LAST" Me: "I DID NOT!! YOU HAD IT WHEN YOU TOOK HER TO YOUR MUMS! IN THE CHANGE BAG! IT'S IN THE CAR BOOT!" etc. grin Romantic it ain't!

In short, for me, waiting was the right thing to do, but then, I didn't struggle to conceive (which I am very grateful for) so it could have been different if I had struggled. However at least I would have had the small comfort that at the time I had made the decision I thought was best, which was that DH and I would be stronger, happier parents if we were a few years further into our relationship, were married, and stable financially. everyone has their own story but that's mine FWIW.

lollydollydrop Wed 01-May-13 23:56:59

TMI most welcome! Never enough in fact! Good excuse for regular sex then eh? ;) I wish we could just pretend we were ttc for a while in order to get that!!! grin Did you have a boy or girl MrsP?

mrspaddy Thu 02-May-13 00:01:07

It's still a bump grin

lollydollydrop Thu 02-May-13 00:04:58

OMG, Dala, I'm getting sterilised!! shock hahaha, thats real life though hey- we have a 4 year old niece and 2 year old nephew, and I see things like this all the time.. I do not envy my OH's sister and BIL for the most part- they got married quickly and had children young, I have always thought that your 20's are the time for you and your relationship maybe.. so glad that me and OH will have a good amount of time just us before all that.

I would love to add another layer of strength to protect our relationship!!! Armour required! :P

I think that if I wait and dont struggle like you I would think the same- its only the unlucky ones who it does take time for that you would question your decision.

I also think about DC2, and the age gap between them/when I would give birth to DC2. My mum got pg with brother when I was 9 months old and found it so hard, and I know I couldnt cope with that, whereas SIL and OH have a 3 year gap, as does SIL's two children... I dont want to be 35 or over when I'm having DC2 xx

lollydollydrop Thu 02-May-13 00:05:49

awww! grin Will it be a surprise all the way?X

mrspaddy Thu 02-May-13 00:12:48

ah yes.. I am a bit old fashioned like that.. getting excited now. Wish all you trying the best of luck .. nighty night.. better sleep xx

lollydollydrop Thu 02-May-13 00:27:54

Thankyou smile Night night to you, good luck with your pregnancy!xx

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