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Anyone else ttc whose dh/dp has no interest in dtd?

(12 Posts)
DIYandEatCake Mon 25-Mar-13 14:02:07

Feeling v fed up at the moment. We're ttc dc2 at the moment - started trying a year ago, had a miscarriage in December. Dp has never had the highest sex drive but it's nonexistent now, I can't remember the last time he initiated sex (we're talking more than 4 years). He will dtd a few times each month for the sake of ttc -he does want another child too - but sees it as a chore, and sometimes is 'too tired' on the best days each month.
For me it's a problem in 2 ways - wanting another baby, but also I fear that if we weren't ttc we would never dtd at all.
He doesn't want to talk about it - puts it down to stress which there's probably a lot of truth in. It's not really something can talk about to friends in rl, so just venting here really... And wondering if anyone's in the same position/been there and has any advice.

BookTart Mon 25-Mar-13 19:24:19

I'm in the same position DIY. It's always been a problem for us and I haven't got any advice but your post sounded so familiar I didn't want to read and nor reply. We've been ttc #1 for well over a year now (with a miscarriage in October) and I reckon we've only dtd in the right week about 2/3 of the time. Have suggested the little blue pill, but he refuses to do that because it would be "horrible" to have to resort to that. No idea what to do, so have a hug instead of some actual useful advice.

HavingALittleFaithBaby Mon 25-Mar-13 20:00:43

We had similar issues. After a year it got so he never initiated and sex always seemed like a chore. Obviously I wasn't getting pregnant so we had investigations. Turned out he had an underlying health problem causing a low sex drive. Easily treated and now we have the opposite problem - he has a much higher sex drive than my pregnant self! smile

Longo Mon 25-Mar-13 20:04:48

DIY, same for us. DP sex drive is non exsitant. Been trying for 6 months now and about to give up. I can't take the rejection any longer [sad}

BrandiBroke Mon 25-Mar-13 22:03:53

Me, me, me! My husband has never enjoyed sex. We've been together for seven years and he's had various excuses. When we first got together it was that he was embarrassed because he'd only had one partner before me and worried that he wasn't any good. Then it was that he was uncomfortable and got cramp so we ended up having only one position. He doesn't like it if he's too hot, if hes too tired, etc etc. Basically he just doesn't like sex.

I've begged him to go to the Dr but he won't.

We're supposed to be TTC now and have been for 2 years, but for part of that time he was working away. I hate always having to be the one to initiate sex. Plus it's really difficult to even get him into bed as he usually just sleeps on the sofa - saying the bed gives him a bad back. I'm extremely lucky if we have sex twice in the few days when I'm most likely to be fertile each month. And that's it. Actually there have been excuses for the past couple of months and we haven't had sex since January.

I am sick of it and it seems that everyone in the world is pregnant or has kids. I just found out a younger relative is pregnant and although I am really really happy for her I am also so unbelievably jealous.

Being a mother is all I've ever wanted to do. I am seriously so close to leaving him to try to find someone I can have a family with. I do love him but I don't think I can carry on like this for much longer.

And everyone keeps saying 'so when are you two going to have kids then?' I wish I bloody knew!

Sorry, that turned into a bit of a rant there!

LadyMedea Mon 25-Mar-13 22:42:25

Get yourselves copies of The Sex Starved Marriage...

brandi you make me really worried, that sounds like such an unhappy situation. Get yourselves to counselling.

FraterculaArctica Mon 25-Mar-13 22:48:34

Glad I found this thread. We've just started TTC first child, and this is a big issue. DH-to-be has v low sex drive, and I can relate to the problems you mention (he's uncomfortable/too tired/it tickles (!)). I don't have any advice... HavingA, do you feel able to give any more information about your DH's/DP's medical problem? I'm trying to persuade DP to go to doctor, if I could tell him about actual medical problems that might be underlying this, that might help!

HavingALittleFaithBaby Tue 26-Mar-13 08:48:10

Certainly...his is quite rare but just an example of an underlying cause male infertility.

So DH has a growth on his pituitary gland. It makes lots of prolactin (usually released in breast feeding!), this depletes testosterone and consequently poor swimmers. He had 2 poor SA so they checked his bloods including his prolactin levels and the prolactin were very high. An MRI scan confirmed there was a growth there (high prolactin can also be caused by stress).

His symptoms included: ever decreasing sex drive, low energy, stress/anxiety, insomnia. He was actually being treated for depression when they got the diagnosis. This has all improved since he started on a medication for his treatment.

His SA was normal within 3 months of starting the meds, I was pregnant within 8 (might have been quicker but I was quite ill myself for a while!).

Hope that helps. Honestly if you've been TTC for over a year, you should be off to the GP together to start investigations. It took nearly a year from when we first saw a GP to actually getting the diagnosis.

crazyhead Tue 26-Mar-13 09:15:28

I was in a similar situation in the past, and I have to say that my question to you ladies is - independently from having a baby, do you think you're going to be able to cope with the lack of sex in the long term?

Only for me, it broke up my relationship. Very different if there is an underlying medical issue but I only ask because I'd be frightened to TTC in these circs - everyone is different of course.

BookTart Tue 26-Mar-13 13:09:43

Ive thought about that a lot over the years crazyhead and we've nearly broken up over it many times. After 7 years though I'm sort-of resigned to it I think. He's got a bit of an internet pr0n issue tbh, and although that wouldn't ordinarily bother me, it does if it means I don't get any!

finniesmummy Tue 26-Mar-13 14:32:01

Omg! So glad I saw this. Whilst I feel awful for you all being in this situation, I am secretly cheering because I know now im not the only one. Have been too scared to talk to anyone about it because I thought it was just me and I have been so depressed about it!
Me and oh got together 5 years ago and I think I can the number of times we have dtd and can remember most of the actual dates! It's so rare. But he was always on about large breasted skinny women and I had to tell him to stop doing it because he was upsetting me (I am a size 18 with DD) so you can imagine how harsh it was. He says that it's not me and he just hasn't got a high sex drive anymore. I'm not convinced- especially as he lived in Thailand for 4 years (you can imagine what he was there for!).
We did actually split up for a few months a few years ago because of it but ended up getting back together- which I am so happy about as I got pregnant with my little girl a few months later.
I think it will be the reason we eventually split though- I hate the rejection and because I'm so self conscious, I never initiate it- I think If he rejects me, I'd b absolutely devastated!
I don't feel like I can moan too much because he works 7 days a week at the moment (he is a self employed chimney seep) and he's also 47 years old. But everytime I see a steamy clip on tv, I have to walk out the room before I start crying. I miss passion so much and would love to feel wanted. Don't know how I will ever conceive again when it's impossible to get him to dtd.
Anyway, sorry for the long post and if youve read it all- well done.
Feels wonderful to actually 'talk' about it for the first time ever!
Gl to you all x x

FraterculaArctica Tue 26-Mar-13 19:50:12

Thank you HavingA - it's helpful to know these issues can sometimes be helped medically, and relate to another underlying cause. We've only just started TTC, but I certainly won't let it drag on without getting some help (I'm 35 already). I've soul-searched about whether it's going to be too much of a problem for the relationship in general (apart from TTC) and have decided not - I don't have the world's highest sex drive either, and he is absolutely my soulmate.

This isn't really the sort of thing you can talk about with your friends is it... they just say 'ooh, stop taking the pill'. Hmm... I had a coil out 3 months ago (it fell out!) and DP actively prefers condoms (less uncomfortable for him). I guess all my friends just have 'normal' DHs... (but I wouldn't change mine for the world, love him to bits).

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