How to keep DTD exciting when TTC?(47 Posts)
We are on cycle 5 of TTC after a mc (we conceived on the first month of coming off the pill with that pregnancy) and I'm concerned that DTD is becoming a means to an end rather than the exciting, sexy, frivolous activity it was before.
I know 5 months is short in the grand scheme of things but if anyone can share any tips to keep the passion alive, I'd be keen to hear!
Oh and we've also been on 2 expensive holidays, not that we have any baby to show for it :-(
We're over three years into TTC our first now, and going for our first IVF appointment next month. Honestly, sex has never been a problem. Maybe we've got a high sex drive, but in all that time it's been a chore only a handful of times - definitely not an ongoing issue. Perhaps the trick is to have sex for fun rather than thinking of it as a means to an end? On the other hand, as we have "unexplained infertility", maybe we're doing something wrong... But sex pretty much every 2-3 days for three years and no pregnancy does imply there's something physically wrong with one or both of us, but no-one knows what that might be <shrug>
evilgiraffe - I expect you've had nearly every test under the sun, both of you - but have you had your vit D levels checked? (Sorry, it's a bit of a hobby horse of mine since I'm pretty sure it was the main factor in me keeping my last pg)
Would be worth your DH getting checked too
No, we haven't, but I take a preconception multivitamin every day (it includes vitamin D), so I doubt there's much more that can be done? We have our first IVF appointment in a month, so I'm feeling quite cheerful about the whole thing right now - progress will be made! Being told "there's nothing wrong, go home and keep trying" is the most soul destroying thing so I'm beyond pleased that we finally meet the NHS criteria for help.
No, I'd been on pregnacare for 5 years (pre DS1 and ever since) and that also contains Vit D and I was still below normal range for vit D - so it's still a possibility. Something to at least think about excluding?
Sorry, Pregnacare AND a fish oil supplement (also contains a small amount of Vit D) and was STILL low. The doc megadosed me with 10,000 IU vit D every fortnight and brought it up to within normal range (still on the low side) and then tested me again after about 16w, when it had dropped right down again, despite being still on Pregnacare and fish oils (and eating oily fish at least once a week, usually salmon) and was even lower than before. So I was put on 1000IU vit D3 a day, on top of my other supplements, because vit D is important for bone growth in the foetus as well.
Oh really? Weird! I shall ask about it when we go for the appointment, then, thank you!
This all sounds soooooooooooo familiar! We started off, lets just see what happens, then when dtd very rarely hapenned we graduated to bit more often roughly around ovulation, no OPK's or anything and now I'm so fed up I've bought OPK's and am going to GP tommorow. Can't be bothered with the OPK's though, but its got to the stage where the less we have to dtd the better.
Tiny - not that have any success, I think the evidence (and what fertility doc says) is to have sex every other day during the 8 days of the middle of your cycle (or 14 days before AF), rather than trying to pin-point it to an exact day x
Yes, I agree that dtd can become a chore. We're also in the 2-3 times a month rather than per week camp. Once the honeymoon period of our relationship ended, my sex drive ebbed. I think going on the pill didn't help, but then I also began to suffer with depression & anti-depressants killed it. Been off all meds since the summer & feeling better, but I think we've become used to our routine now after 6 years! Long hours at work etc. I like the idea of romance, massage & lacy undies.
I've tried to use OPKs to help focus our efforts, but hasn't worked so far!
thatsso nice to see you. Have you read any of the AI threads? It might be worth a look. Have you had any investigations into the pain/tearing? There may be some treatments?
Not much advice, I know, but just wanted to jump in the boat with you!
Morning! Just wanted to share some of the pearls of wisdom from my first acupuncture session. The acupuncturist volunteered all of this without me asking, so think it's a common thing!
If you are dtd eod during your fertile phase, maybe 15 days per cycle (I have a long cycle), split the responsibility for dtd between you and dp. So he does one and you do the next - take the pressure off yourself and share!
Have a conversation about likes and put them in a hat/make a dice of them, so that you can maintain some spontaneity, within things that you know you like too.
Maintain femininity. I was wearing trainers and tracksuit and she looked meaningfully at these! She said that we're becoming men and she hasn't worn a skirt for a decade. The point is to feel good about yourself to help you feel in the mood. I know that I neglect myself, so don't always shave my legs etc. So I won't be going out and buying dresses, but will be making more time for grooming and nice undies.
Engage your brain as much as your body, so toys and films, if you're that way inclined. Perhaps role play. Now, personally, I'm not comfortable with these last things, but the point is to try things that work for you, not to make yourself feel uncomfortable.
Think I'll also try date nights and not slouching in front of the tv all evening to make time for us as a couple, without necessarily dtd.
Not rocket science, I know, but a few starting points, perhaps?
It's worth learning about your cervical mucus as well, if you haven't already - I was on a regular 26d cycle after having DS1, but not falling pg, despite DTD a few days around day 12 (assuming that was ovulation day). Then I learnt about checking for "slippiness" and realised that I was actually ovulating earlier than I "should" have been, around day 9 or 10; so I had a long luteal phase. Learning that got me pg 4 times, even though only one of them "stuck" (and that's more to do with my age than anything else, I think, oh and the vit D status )
We used to have a fantastic sex life, spontaneous and fun. However we started TTC properly in October last year...we were so enthusiastic at the start & really romantic. We were convinced I'd get preggo straight away.
After 6 months of BFN's we have been reduced to this (last night):
- go to bed knackered
- realise it's day 12 of cycle and we really ought to do something
- try and get DH in the mood
- end up both having a fumble
- sticking it in at the very last minute
- lying with my legs up in the air to get the active ingredients to go to the right place
How has it turned into this? DH looked really sad afterwards. Feel like we're doing unfixable damage
How it worked for us.
I started off trying to get to DTD every other day - and it worked well for 1-3 months but it became exhausting and mundane for a while.
So by about month 4 I had become much more aware of my cycle (iphone app!) and cervical mucus - so it dropped to a more manageable DTD every weekend and 2/3 times during the week but only if it was a 'fertile' week.
Made a real effort for it to be not just regular sex after we've gone to bed - so jump on DP while watching tv or as I came in from work, and not necessarily just doing it in bed, which naturally led to more varied positions.
For him I like to think he thought it was me being spontaneous, as I didn't overshare the details of TTC with him as I didn't want to create 'performance' issues. To do this I had to get into the right headspace - and would use female erotica/fantasies in my head, for me to feel horny to want to initiate sex on the days when I knew I 'should' be having sex.
I was lucky, in the end we did conceive at about month 6/7 but I recognise some of the emotions that have been written about. Its not easy - but I did try to both approach it as a 'job'/'task' I had to do as well as try to keep it fun and relaxed the way it used to be before we started TTC.
Keep going ladies... Hope you get some BFP's soon...
Engage sense of humour, if you can, Tak1ng. And remember that it won't be like this forever.
I mentioned upthread that DH got performance anxiety after a while. That was a very difficult phase to deal with - just had to be extremely good-humoured about it - luckily we have very similar senses of humour. He did get over it, but it was a dodgy time. Adverse emotions like sadness, anxiety make it all seem so much harder.
I believe sense oh humor is very important here, and also to try to be creative. We know so much about our bodies (compare to all times) that al becomes more mechanical and less sensual.
Last week, knowing I would be ovulating soon, I went to run an errand and passed by a Victoria's Secret,... on my way back I found myself inside buying a neglige and a set of suspenders by first time in my life (OMG! ) .... I used one at the time in two different days and I put candles on bedroom t oplay a game. I was wearing my new sexy clothes under a dreadful pijamas with homely sweater and scarf. I had taken time to fold small papers with "actions" inside "kiss neck" "give a first kiss" "explore under the other's clothes" and so on. The game was: ask questions to the other about our life together and experiences, if the other could not remember or got answer wrong, then take a paper and perform the said action on the other.
It seemed to be spot on. And two days later, when I showed up again with the suspenders... he asked directly: great! are we playing that game again!
I mean, given that we normally tried to play chess or rummies to start getting some quality time together, this was a teaser for him. At the end of the weekend, including MOnday evening DTD, i think DP was exhausted and almost said no.... fiu! for this month we are covered. If we don't get a BFP, next month will all be a new challenge again...
(I have had 3 MC and a surgery... ttc has been a bit exhausted, and I agree that it brings some anxiety. A nutrionist game me the NT188 supplement from BioCare, and it seems to work fine to relax our minds.
Reading all these posts nodding along with agreement! It's been 9 months so far for us TTC #1 and I guess we had becom a twice a month kind of couple after many many years together so trying to DTD lots is so difficult, hubby has now got a few performance issues so the past few months have been very difficult with lots of tears. AF have just left the building and kind of dreading DTD week
Interesting to read how everyone else tries to overcome this problem.
We are 7 months into ttc. Knowing what fertile cm looks like has helped a lot for us. As soon as I see it we dtd eod (unless we particularly want to do it everyday). This means we only have to dtd to get pregnant once or twice a month, which really takes the pressure off.
I try not to tell dh when I'm about to ovulate because I think it was leading to some performance anxiety. This isn't always possible. The other day he wanted to finish with a h/job and I had to say 'do you mind if we don't?'. We do talk about ttc generally though, because sharing how I'm feeling with him has helped me feel less stressed.
In the frst few months of ttc I got into the habit of going all out before ovulation then going off sex completley after ovulating. This led to my dh feeling like I was only interested in him because I wanted to get pregnant, so he felt rejected, and also gave me an unhealthy mindset of dtd being a means to an end.
I'm with Having, massage is working for us atm to
get things done increase the intimacy. Bought a nice massage bar from Lush and it smells like chocolate. It helps you to relax and is good for the skin too- win/win!
could you ''treat'' him with a blowjob :-) shows you still want to 'pleasure' him and Im sure he would reciprocate...
I don't really have any tips other than to try and have sex because you WANT to, not because you 'have' to. I don't quite understand not wanting to dtd or finding it a chore tbh as personally I can't go more than a couple of days without it and dp and I usually dtd every other day at the very least. If you're doing it regularly for fun, it doesn't feel like there's any pressure and there's no way dp could feel that I only want to dtd for the purposes of getting pg. Is the issue low sex drive/lack of time for most of you, or has the passion just gone? I haven't been with dp for all that long and we are both still quite young, so I appreciate I'm perhaps not qualified to comment, but it kinda seems to be that if there's no desire to have sex for pleasure's sake, then something must be wrong in the relationship? :-/ Feel free to shout me down; like I say, I may be totally clueless on this and just lucky enough to have a reasonably high sex drive, but I am genuinely interested in why someone would not want to have sex very often with their dp.
...Incidentally, do those of you dtd 2-3 times a month not think you're doing it too little? I just ask because I know that for me and dp, the less we have it the less we want it - I think we'd both pretty quickly lose our sex drive and THEN start to find it an effort if we did it so little. Could the answer be to do it more often than just a couple of times at the prescribed time of month?
I agree with RaRaz, if you don't have it regularly, you lose interest. I think you should try to dtd maybe twice a week throughout the month? Maybe when AF appears maybe massages or BJs.
I remember TTC first time round and my partner said he felt used when I pounced on him telling him it was ovulation time. It def put a sting in the tail for him.
This time, (new partner who won't leave mid pregnancy), we have an active sex life and on average dtd 4/5 a week. I try not to tell him when ovulation is imminent though he may notice the complete lack of oral action that week.....
Another idea is to put TTC to the back of your mind and abstaining. I know it sounds crazy, but it could reawaken your desire for each other if it's been forbidden for a period of time. I appreciate for some people with known fertility issues or older ladies this might not be practical.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.