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Rainbow babies. Remembering our angels, riding the rollercoaster and hoping for little rainbows and sunshine.

(1000 Posts)
Little9 Thu 31-Jan-13 20:17:09

An angel in the book of life wrote down our babies births. And whispered as she closed the book...too beautiful for this earth.

Fingers crossed for rainbows and BFPs for everyone!

KleinePoppet Thu 14-Feb-13 16:03:38

Just wanted to say hello to snowdrop, and that I'm so very sorry to hear about your beautiful Isla. Do tell us more about her, if you want to. We'd love to hear.
My little girl died at the age of two days last June - she was also our first child - and tbh I still feel like life's quite surreal... so I understand a bit of what you mean. I'm glad that you are having an ok day today; things are so up and down in those horrid, terrible first months. This thread really helped me enormously in the early times (I also joined it before we were ttc again), and although it's always sad to find a new mum here, you are truly welcome.

owainsmum in answer to your question about being around babies and pregnancy - my experience is that it has got a bit easier, not much, but a bit. I find that I now look at other babies and think 'well, you're ok, but you're not a patch on mine' smile - that helps! But mostly, yes, it's hard, just hard. Please just do whatever you can to make it easy for yourself, in these early months (although I know you can't avoid toddler groups etc - do your friends there know about the loss of your baby? If so, I very much hope they're being sensitive around you).

green sorry to hear about your nightmare. Glad you've forgotten the details, though. Your daydreams sound MUCH nicer. Bittersweet is right, my dear <sigh> lots of love! xxx

Ok I have been procrastinating for nearly an hour but now I really have to go and clean my house............

greengoose Thu 14-Feb-13 17:26:42

KLEINE, I do hope your house is shiny now?! ( mine is awful... Trying not to look at it too much)!

SNOWDROP... I'm so sorry you had to find us, none of us would choose to be here, obviously, but this is an amazing group of women! They have picked me up, sat by me, and mopped my tears many many times over the months.
Isla is a beautiful name, its awful that she couldn't be with you. As KLEINE said, we'd love to hear about her if you'd like?
We lost our daughter, Merryn, last April when she was six days old. We knew she had a tumour from our 20 week scan, but due to many complications, they couldn't remove it as planned when she was born. We miss her badly. I am lucky enough to have two amazing boys, 10 and 5 yrs. after Merryn I had a MC, (and two before her), and I am now 11 1/2 weeks pregnant again. We started trying very quickly, but I am glad it has taken a little while, I don't think I was really ready when I thought I was. Everyone's different though, and I'm sure you'll know when you are ready... Meanwhile, we are all here. X

Right, must go and cook something..... And maybe clean some muddy dog off my walls. (KLEINE, you have made me feel guilty...)

jaynebxl Fri 15-Feb-13 10:05:50

Sorry if this sounds insensitive in here but I just wondered what a rainbow baby is?

greengoose Fri 15-Feb-13 11:00:01

JAYNEBXL, it's fine to ask.... It's the name this group use for a baby that comes along after the storm of loosing another child. On this thread all the women are grieving the death of their baby, babies, or older child, and are waiting to try for, trying for, pregnant with, or have already had their 'rainbow'.

Others are better at explaining it than me, but my understanding is that the idea is something beautiful can come after the storm, and in some ways be created by it.

We support each other through the grief and pain as well as the fear hope and joy, and are a good bunch, through I don't wish anyone the need to join... Hope that answers?

Bluetinkerbell Fri 15-Feb-13 11:04:29

Not insensitive at all jayne smile

"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

A sad but very warm welcome snowdrop and owainsmum
I lost my little Sterre on 20 June 2011 at 20 weeks pregnant. I hear my gorgeous rainbow Lotta on 16 November last year!

jaynebxl Fri 15-Feb-13 11:21:32

What a great name, makes sense.

KleinePoppet Fri 15-Feb-13 11:38:10

Hi jaynebxl, I think the others have already answered your question beautifully! My little girl was born post-term at 42 weeks, but only survived two days due to brain damage that was sustained just before labour began; DH and I are sorely in need of the hope and colour of a rainbow baby...

Waves at blue and green (we just need a few more colours in our names and then we can make our own rainbow together!!). Sorry for making you feel guilty about the housework green my love wink If it helps, I'd been planning to clean properly for about six weeks before I finally got around to it...

little how are you doing today?
And everyone else...?

greengoose Fri 15-Feb-13 12:10:19

It's ok KLEINE... I didnt bother in the end....I think I may just give in, there is so much mud!

RAINBOX, hope you are doing ok after yesterday. X

LITTLE, just wanted you to know youre in my thoughts. Hope today is gentler for you.

Waves to BLUE. Hope all ok in your household, and bugs all cleared up by now? Is L still sleeping through?? wink

RainboxFX Fri 15-Feb-13 15:27:27

I haven't been a very good threadmate lately. Please can I have one last self-indulgent one before I catch up?

I went in yesterday morning and was admitted to the labour ward before my op. I was fine until they hooked the woman in the next bed up to a trace for the baby's heartrate and that noise just flooded the room and I freaked out. Properly panic attack mode. And it was embarrassing and awful. They then whipped me through to the EPU and I had a private room there. They did apologise for putting me on the ward, but I felt so stupid making a fuss. I really wanted to be fine and brave but it was just too much.

The op was totally fine, I had a general for it rather than a spinal since I was so anxious. And then I came round having another panic attack. I was so frightened something had gone wrong. But it hasn't, everything seems fine. Uncomfortable but fine. They managed to find babybox's heartbeat which was wonderful, as I am only 15 weeks today.

Night of observation, home today, progesterone pesseries, and a re scan in a fortnight. But I wasn't big and brave, I didn't handle things very well and it is such a minor procedure. And today I feel small and stupid and embarrassed and frightened.

I'm sorry I haven't had any energy to catch up. I will, but you are all in my thoughts. With love xx

greengoose Fri 15-Feb-13 15:56:59

RAINBOX... You ARE big and brave, and it was not a 'minor' thing, please don't doubt yourself, you are a mother scared for her baby, there is nothing stronger or more elemental than that is there? It was stupid of them to put you on the general ward... Not your fault at all lovey, really. I'm so glad it is done, and you don't have to dread it anymore.
I FORBID you to feel small, or embarrassed, and I wish I could also add frightened, but as we all know, there's nothing to be done about that one.
It must have been exciting hearing your little ones heartbeat, I'm really pleased they could do this for you! Try and focus on that, and that you are doing EVERYTHING for your baby, that you are a fighter, and a strong mother, WELL DONE. (sorry for shouting, but you shouldn't feel bad when you've been so brave.... Hug to make up for shouting.... X)

fanjodisfunction Fri 15-Feb-13 16:46:47

rainbox you are very brave, you have decided to try again, that is so brave. Do don't beat yourself up over how you reacted, I'm sure if put in the same situ I would have done the same. It sounds like you are getting really good care if they moved you and also put u under general. I'm really pleased about that. I'm so pleased to that you heard the babybox's heart beat that must have been special. Let yourself freak out a bit, its natural, if you didn't you would store it up inside and harm yourslef more.

KleinePoppet Fri 15-Feb-13 18:04:42

Oh rainbox I'm so sorry it was so difficult - poor, poor you - honestly, though, I'm not surprised it was like that, nor that you reacted the way you did. I haven't been back on the labour ward yet, but I have spent a lot of time in the EPU over the last half a year, and it is hard just to be there, hard to be around other pregnant women, hard to be so scared. So I can well imagine you felt in over your head, with all the fear, and being in public, and of course the memory of Dex. But, you did it! And I'm so glad the op itself went well.

You know, since losing our children, I'd bet every single person on this thread has done things that have felt unbelievably humiliating - the emotions are so close to the surface, aren't they? I have sobbed my way through so many situations recently and felt like such a muppet afterwards - but, the way I see it, I didn't have a choice: either I could be there and cry, or not be there at all. The same goes for you: either you could be there and feel terrible, or not be there at all - and you did the brave and necessary thing, of being there, and getting through it despite everything. Well done and lots of love xxx
PS before I read the thread, I'd just answered your post on FB - bless you for taking the time to do that, while you're having such a hard time xxx

Bluetinkerbell Fri 15-Feb-13 19:23:02

Ooh rainbox totally understandable! Big hugs for you!

Hi green bugs cleared up! L does almost 5 hour stretches so that is almost sleeping through!

Starting work again on Monday!

AngelGeorgie Fri 15-Feb-13 19:59:29

Snowdrop hi & sorry for your loss xxx my first dd was stillborn at 41 weeks on 10/10/10 :Georgie. I ve since gone on to have my saviour , my 2 nd dd ; Phoebe 1 year & 8 days later. Xxx
You re find we re a big bunch of empathy & support .
Kleine hi hope you re ok? Xx
Rainbox: well done xx
Little ; hope you re ok? Xx
Love to all. Xxx
Have some bad news I m afraid . Wasn t going to say anything yet but I ve been diagnosed with a MC today at a scan . Am about 8 weeks , had 2 scans over the last month , started the luteal support but a scan today shows no definate fetal pole or heart beat. Re-attending next week for confirmation scan then off for ERPC ( again!!!) .
I m ok . We concieved very quickly & found out the week Ant lost his job so been a hell of a rollercoaster few weeks. We were just getting our heads around being pg again really when found this out.
I m ok ; not heartbroken as reason if a problem would rather it happen now. We also reasoned we re so lucky to have had Georgie & Phebs & if it didn t happen again we 'd be happy with our "lot" but I just didn t want regrets we hadn t tried again as time as not on our side. ( I m 42,ant:41) .

Don t know what ll we do next . Apart from loosing weight ( still) , booking some trips away, & enjoying my Phebs.
We ll discuss in a couple of weeks if we knock it on the head or try again. It's not the emotional side that upsets or worries me so much it's the overall disruption to my life.i have to attend EPU twice a week for luteal support, 2 weekly scans , time out of work & it's emotionally draining.
But we ll see.....if I knew all was going to fine no probs I'd anything but if it all goes " tits up" 4 weeks down the line.... X
However, you've got to be in to win!!!!
Love to all xxxx

fanjodisfunction Fri 15-Feb-13 20:45:08

snowdrop so sorry that you find yourself here. Isla is a beautiful name, it was one we had considered. Please tell us more about her if you wish.

angel oh lovely I'm so sorry, I really am. And you've been keeping that to yourself, its never easy really what ever stage obvisouly not as deverstating as losing a baby at a longer gestation but still after what we have been through a mc is a real kick in the guts.

Bluetinkerbell Fri 15-Feb-13 21:53:28

angel hugs x

owainsmum Fri 15-Feb-13 22:11:24

RAINBOX well done for being brave even if you didn't feel like it at the time, fingers crossed for you x
ANGEL so sorry to hear your news, I know its hard when you have a toddler but try to rest as much as you can x
I've been thinking about my little angel a lot today, probably because I have been in lots of meetings and my mind has been wandering. On the train this morning it was lovely and sunny and I couldn't help thinking of my angel in heaven, sleeping on a lovely soft fluffy white cloud with all the other angel babies. not sure why I thought of that but it was comforting but also made feel sad and then I couldn't get the thought out of my head all day.
Anyway hope you all are doing ok x

AngelGeorgie Fri 15-Feb-13 23:19:37

Thanks all. Had a good old cry but over Georgie tonight. I Sound mean & hard faced but for me to have a mc at this stage I m never particularly surprised or shocked as this is the third mc I ve had. For me at this stage it's not a baby ; a fetus where as Georgie was obviously , a fully formed perfect angel. That's only how I view my situation and for me personally no loss ever will compare to the loss of Georgie.
Thanks for all your support again. Sick of coming on here & only ever posting crappy news , I m starting to bore myself now!!!!xxx
Thanks Fan. Hope you re flu is finally improving? Xx
Hi Blue ; thanks x love to your girls cx
Hi Owainsmum x thanks

KleinePoppet Sat 16-Feb-13 10:11:47

angel I'm just so so sorry. Oh, poor you. I felt v similarly to you about my m/c - my grief was all about E, not the early pg I'd lost. I'm so glad you have Phebs there to comfort you, and I hope so much that you & Ant are able to pull together through this, despite everything that's been going on. Goodness, the 'rollercoaster' in the title of this thread really, truly describes your life at the moment doesn't it? Take very good care of yourself, please, my dear, I'm just so sorry to hear your news xx

Also thinking esp of rainbox and little today xx

KleinePoppet Sat 16-Feb-13 10:20:38

PS for owainsmum - I thought of you yesterday, as you'd so recently asked if it gets easier with other babies/pregnancies - yesterday we heard that friends have just had a baby girl. And for the first time since E died, eight months ago, I wasn't upset or jealous or anything really - I just thought, thank goodness the baby's arrived safely. I still feel the same today! So there IS hope... really, it has got easier. xx

greengoose Sat 16-Feb-13 10:27:52

ANGEL, I'm sorry this has happened to you love, mCs are horrible.
I think I feel the same way as you about them when they are early on, (I've had 3 too, and am 40). But the loss of hope and what might have been is still very difficult. (I know everyone feels and handles loss of any type individually).
I understand what you mean about working out whether to try again. I'm sure you will make the decissions that are right for you all, but not easy.
Youre having such a tough run of it just now, I do hope Ant is stepping up and being there now this has happened? he should be spoiling you!

Ellypoo Sat 16-Feb-13 12:52:17

Oh angel I'm so sorry xxx I'm sorry also that you have kept it to yourself, sending many hugs and much love xxx

Rainbox well done on getting through the op, you did really well - there is no wonder you were stressed on the labour ward, how stupid of them to put you there in the first place. I hope you are relaxing a bit now, how fab to have heard the HB too, that's wonderful!

Welcome to snowdrop & owainsmummy - this place is filled with fab, supportive ladies who truly do know what you are experiencing - they have helped me (us all) so much.
My DD1 died aged 2 days on NYE 2011 because she had been starved of oxygen (blood clots in placenta and IUGR) which caused too much damage for her to survive. I'm now 28+4 wks pg with her rainbow brother or sister. It is a truly terrifying time which is getting harder to further the pg progresses, but my consultant and mws are keeping a very close eye on us this time, with regular monitoring and scans which is reassuring.

Thinking of you all xxx

AngelGeorgie Sat 16-Feb-13 20:51:49

Thanks all very much xxxAnt is being very good doing everything he's supposed to be doing . Hope ok today just had a large glass of wine so always helps (as u can see!!!)
Thanks all again xxxx

Babyh200 Sat 16-Feb-13 21:44:36

Evening all
Just popped on to say hello after a couple of weeks away from MN.

I will catch up on the thread over the next few days but just wanted to send massive hugs to ANGEL so very sorry to hear about your MC on top of everything else.
What an incredibly tough time your having and an emotional rollecoster you've been on since the start of the year. It sounds like you and Ant are back on track now after a rocky patch and I hope he continues to offer you the support you deserve. (make sure he keeps that wine glass topped up!)Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Rainbox: Thinking of you and Babybox you have been incredibly brave. The hospital must have brought back so many raw emotions. I don't know how I would cope if I had to go back there even though I understand it would be part and parcel of a rainbow baby! So glad you got to hear the little boxes heartbeat thumping away smile xxxxxxxx

Thinking of you all xxxxxxxxxx

AngelGeorgie Sat 16-Feb-13 23:25:36

Thanks babyH xxx
A side of all this that bugs me is my SIL ( who gets on with no one in the family) is also pg . She's a manipulative, spoilt brat who has been rude & ignorant to my parents previously numerous times. ( she ll sit outside their house now when my brother pops in!!!) . She's already " suffering" from morning sickness to the point they ve moved much closer to her work ( they rent) she's 11 weeks gone!!!!!!
However, as much as I love my brother (& I do he's fab apart from her) I know they ll sail through a stress free pg , all will be fine , the baby will arrive on the due date :easy peasy. It's her 12 week scan on Monday & it ll ve fine. Grh..., its so u fair. Some people sail through life without a care or worry constantly achieving all their goals whereas others have crop after crop of bad luck .( thinking of all you lovely lot) .
I sound bitter ,trying not to be as I ve got such a lot to be grateful for but how come for us what is suppose to be the most natural process in the world isn t??? It's fraught with so many hurdles from conceiving to having an actual baby 9 months later..,
Comes back to its not fair. I will live this neice or newphew as part of my bro & I love him. It's mum is irrelevant to me & my bro has obviously experienced loss of Georgie & was terribly supportive . ( he set up the charity we site in Georgie's name that raised £1500++ ) however, I know his baby will be just fine..., grh....,
Just needed to rant xxxx

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