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Rainbow babies. Remembering our angels, riding the rollercoaster and hoping for little rainbows and sunshine.

(1000 Posts)
Little9 Thu 31-Jan-13 20:17:09

An angel in the book of life wrote down our babies births. And whispered as she closed the book...too beautiful for this earth.

Fingers crossed for rainbows and BFPs for everyone!

Jules829 Tue 16-Jul-13 07:53:37

google I'm sorry you're having a difficult day but glad the butterflies are giving you some peace.
This is the poem we were given when we first lost Ben - our best friends had it stitched onto a cushion for us, which has butterflies on one side and is plain on the other side. The cushion sits in the lounge with the poem on display:

A Butterfly Lights Beside Us

A butterfly lights beside us, like a sunbeam...
and for a brief moment its glory
and beauty belong to our world...
but then it flies on again, and although
we wish it could have stayed,
we are so thankful to have seen it at all.
Author Unknown

Hope everyone is ok x

Amiasmummy Thu 18-Jul-13 16:38:20

Hi everyone, I'm really sorry that I've been absent for a while. I'm doubly sorry that I'm going to butt in with a question..

I've recently found out that I'm expecting my rainbow baby. I'm 5 weeks today, and making an appointment to see the doctor tomorrow to 'book in' my pregnancy. I just wondered if anyone could tell me if I'm likely to receive any extra scans or appointments this time? I feel that I would really appreciate an early scan to check that all is ok, but don't want it to take the place of the 12 week scan when I would be able to see more detail. I really don't know what to expect from the NHS. Amia was stillborn at 34 weeks due to blood clots in the placenta, although they never found the cause of the blood clots. Did any of you have to fight to get extra attention, or is it readily offered? Any input would be gratefully received!!

OwlinaTree Thu 18-Jul-13 18:12:53

Congratulations Amiasmummy. I don't know, but I've got my booking appointment with the midwife on Tuesday, so plan to ask then. As always these things will probably vary depending on county and medical history.

Personally i don't want lots of fuss really until 20ish weeks, when i would like extra scans. I will however go with what the consultant says i guess. My situation is my daughter died through lack of oxygen during the birth due to the cord being tightly wrapped round her neck. Hopefully that is not something that is likely to happen again. But i think extra scans will help me to feel calmer at the end. I'm also requesting a section.

Amiasmummy Thu 18-Jul-13 20:39:22

Thank you Owlina. Congratulations to you too! Like you, I think most of my worries will be in the third trimester of the pregnancy. For now I'm generally feeling calmer than I imagined I would be feeling, just a bit uncertain as to what to expect. It's exciting but scary times huh! wink

Googledoodle Fri 19-Jul-13 17:11:16

Congratulations amiasmummy smile I suspect the care will vary across the country as it seems to with everything else. But where I am they did say they would offer extra scans which seemed to be just for reassurance rather anything to do with what actually happened to cause the stillbirth, so it would be up to the individual whether they felt it would help or worry them more.
The cons I saw for the pm said the placenta came away which caused the bleed due to blood clots again with no reason found. So I'd hope they'd have a similar approach for you if that's any help.

I have a question for people too - hope no one minds, and you're welcome to not answer! Did anyone find their periods had changed when they returned after the birth? Mine seem to have (heavier for first couple of days) and I haven't noticed that after previous births, although I'm aware this is only the second one and I'm rather more aware of the blood loss now as i find it quite scary. We had been advised that it was ok to ttc but I can't help worrying if they've changed maybe my body isn't back to normal yet so if I did get pg would mc be more likely. Anyone??

oliviarosemummy Fri 19-Jul-13 20:41:38

Hi google, I've only just got my first period since having Olivia and it is so heavy and painful normally they are light and easy to deal with. I had my appointment with the doctor for my check up and I mentioned to her about my period she wasn't worried at all about it and told me that it's a good sign they have returned. Im sorry I can't be more help as this is only my first so im hoping that next month they go back to normal, I totally understand about it being scary about the blood loss I didn't expect to be bothered about the period coming and the first day I kind off freaked I think it just brought back the memories of the night I had Olivia as I had a big bleed before she was born. Also this week with my period being here I have been so emotional this week I think it's my hormones. I wad being crabby and taken it out on my partner so we have had our first argument since Olivia passed. It started over something really stupid and before I knew it he was sleeping on the couch that night. I know every couple has fall outs butI just overreacted I thought all sorts of crazy things like we are going to break up and he wouldn't want to be with me, I know now it was silly of me to think that and normally I would never think things like that. We made up next day and I told him how I felt he said I've never to waste a single second again thinking that. He has been so sweet this week and I feel terrible that I have probably been a nightmare this week he bought me a beautiful photo frame with mum on it and put a photo of me and Olivia in it, it's so beautiful it made me cry he said he got me that because I was saying I don't feel like a mum and he said everytime I look at it I'll see I am a mum. It's actually my birthday tomorrow and im dreading it I don't want to do anything but my partner has organized a lunch with our families he did this before I said that I didn't want to do anything, I've decided to go now but my sister in law is going ti be there but my partner said he will ready for her if she says anything to upset me. I hope everyone else has had an easy week xx

OwlinaTree Sat 20-Jul-13 12:00:15

Sorry to hear you are having a difficult week oliviarosemummy. The picture to remind you you are a mum is such a lovely idea. With regards to the row, forgive yourself and be gentle with yourself. Grief if hard and we all react irrationally sometimes.

I hope the lunch goes well today. Sending you hugs.

google i can't be much help really. I wasn't having periods before i got pregnant the first time, came off pill, didn't have a natural period for 18 months, had 1, next month got pg. This time took almost 4 months for me to have one, then have been more or less regular till end of may. I think it's fairly common for things to be different after child birth tho.

Jules829 Sat 20-Jul-13 13:31:37

google it took me 36 days from the day Ben was born to have a period, which was heavier than previously and lasted 5 days. I then didn't have another period as we conceived but sadly I did miscarry that one - the pregnancy sac was empty so no baby developed (blighted ovum). I then had D&C and it took 7 weeks for another period to come which was lighter than normal. I don't think there is an increased chance of miscarriage - we were just unlucky again. If your body is ready to carry a pregnancy then it will carry one (that's what my acupuncturist told me), although I was advised to wait 3 cycles for dating purposes after losing Ben (we didn't obviously).... Hope this helps.
Congrats to the girls with positive pg tests - here's to a healthy time.
I hope everyone else is finding a way through and doing ok.

Amiasmummy Sun 21-Jul-13 08:36:05

Thank you google smile I managed to get a doctors app on Friday and feeling much more reassured now. They've referred me to a consultant for this pregnancy so I should be watched much more closely this time round. I should also get more scans later in the pregnancy, which is a huge relief!

I'm sorry that I can't really help with your question. I didn't really pay much attention to my periods after Amia was born as I wasn't in a relationship at the time, so unable to TTC. Wishing you all the best.

Jules829 Mon 22-Jul-13 11:57:24

Is anyone else struggling with the media frenzy over Kate at the moment? I didn't think it would make me as mad as it has done but I've emailed the bbc and itv today because their journalism is so unbalanced! I've not had a reply as yet (and doubt ill get one) but I feel better. 17 babies are stillborn or die shortly after birth in the UK every day and yet the media just chats on about how Kate will bring her baby home.... Just a slight nod in the direction of a poor outcome would make me feel slightly better..... But no. Everyone thinks its such a dead cert outcome only we know it isn't. I feel so cross about this..... Irrational really but I can't stop it so I'm just letting it come.
Sorry to rant on here to everyone but I just couldn't go on and say nothing any longer.

I hope everyone else is doing ok xx

TooExtraImmatureCheddar Mon 22-Jul-13 13:51:16

Yes, me. I haven't been on this thread in ages, but I'm a former member (in fact, I started the very first thread!). My angel baby Thea was stillborn at 41+3 in March 2011, and my rainbow baby Maia is now 16 months old. However, I just logged on to the Guardian website and saw the headline that Kate has been admitted in the early stages of labour. Now, if I had been admitted in the early stages of labour (ie before 3cm), instead of being first sent home and secondly sent to wait in a spare room in Triage because I refused to go home, with no one checking on me, Thea might be alive today. I was so upset by this that I came back here to see if anyone else felt the same way. But of course Kate gets admitted...

OwlinaTree Mon 22-Jul-13 17:27:05

Well I'm pretty sure Kate is getting a different level of care to us National Health types. I don't expect she will have to deal with changes of midwives etc. She's probably had scans every other day. She wouldn't have been sent home for 24 hours if her waters broke i'm sure.

I'm just trying to avoid the coverage tbh. I wish them both well and hope they bring home a healthy baby very soon, but i can't say i personally care. No media wants to talk about dead babies, It's a case of 'smile and the world smiles with you, cry and you cry alone'. i never wanted to talk about dead babies until it happened to me. Our babies are largely ignored by society. I'm so glad i can come on here and talk about my daughter, and know i'm not abnormal for wanting to talk about her. Out in the real world it's a different story however. My friends don't want me to talk about my daughter, my pregnancy, my birth experiences. They just want to forget about it. All we can do is try to support organisations such as SANDS who are trying to change things and raise more awareness so the government put more funding into research and eventually more babies are saved.

I'm going to see the midwife tomorrow to have my booking appointment. Will be interesting to hear what she says about the level of care. I will at some point point out that surely all babies' lives are worth a high level of care. I will also accept the extra if i'm offered it, why shouldn't I? I appreciate the NHS has funding issues, but unless people come forward and question the level of care (not the same thing as suing necessarily) things will not change, and more families will be going through this tragic event just as William and Kate in all likelihood are standing on the hospital steps with the 45 doctors around them, showing off the next heir to the throne (fingers crossed for them).

Hugs to all who are finding it difficult, once she's had it it will be one picture and then it will all die down again.

Googledoodle Mon 22-Jul-13 21:48:25

Jules so glad you said this - thought it was just me.

I remember thinking I'd have a 2 or 3 month old when hers was born. I couldn't work out what it was that I was struggling with - its not that I'd want things to go badly, but I really struggle with all the media coverage. I think you all explained it for me, it's the reporting that assumes everything will be fine, and it makes me wonder whether it all would have been fine if we'd had the level of care she has (not that there was any particular indication that anyone could have prevented what happened). I had to fight for treatment of my hyperemesis, and then a couple of months later she obviously got treated much more easily. Would Eddy be alive if I'd had the care she has in later pregnancy?

tooextra welcome back and so glad you've got your rainbow smile. Thea's a lovely name btw, one of my favourites.

owl hope you're right, but I think it might be more than just the one picture! I've been trying to avoid the coverage too, but dh just said it'd been reported they've had a little boy.
What you said, about people not wanting to hear about our babies, and that we can talk about them on here - yes, that's what it is, and why it helps. I find I can only spend a certain amount of time with people that don't want me to talk about Eddy, then i have to have space to be able to think and talk about him.
Good luck with your mw appt, hope you don't find it too hard & they're helpful.

Little9 Mon 22-Jul-13 22:14:05

Amiasmummy - congratulations. As the others have said it depends on where you are and also on your particular consultant. Mine was crap and even though everyone said I would get looked after more for the next pregnancy, I didn't and ended up mc again. That's why I am being referred to another hospital as currently have no confidence to try again. You'll probably find you'll need to demand what you want.

Can't stand the news at the moment. Am getting worked up about my appointment on Monday as much as I'm trying to chill out about it. Sorry, just realised how bitter I sound.

Google - the first few periods for me were heavier but are back to normal now. I'm sure you'll be fine to start ttc again if you feel able to.

OwlinaTree Tue 23-Jul-13 09:09:56

Midwife appointment today. Feel so stressed about it. I just know they won't know about my daughter and i'll have to explain it all again..and again...and again... Any advice on how to avoid this from those with rainbows?

google what you are saying about the royal baby's level of care i think echoes what we are all feeling. Still, their baby has been born healthy and I'm glad for them.

Let's keep fingers crossed now for more bfps on this thread, hope you get reassurance soon little. Also google i agree with little about ttc. I know it sounds cheesy but i really believe that your body will do it when it's ready. It took me 19 months to conceive my daughter, but only 9 months to conceive this time. So frustrating while waiting for it to happen tho!! We thought we would need IVF (told so by some nurse) so you just never know.

Googledoodle Tue 23-Jul-13 16:11:40

Thanks to everyone who replied - good to know it varies and at least noone has heard it means anything bad.
little & owl, yes I've always thought your body wouldn't do it til it's ready, unfortunately now I don't trust my body to get things right as much as I once did... Hey ho, we're ttcing in any case, I just can't bear not to try, and hopefully I'm just reading too much into it anyway. They're certainly less heavy than when I was in my teens at least!

little you don't sound bitter, it's totally understandable that you would be very upset with having the same thing happen again when they should have taken better care of you. Will be thinking of you on Monday; I hope you see someone who understands and is able to help. I don't know where in the country you are, but actually I'd recommend the consultant I was under (I realise that sounds odd, as Eddy died, but I genuinely don't think there was any hint of negligence etc. and he was very caring and sounded very sensible in terms of how they'd approach things if there is a next time). I'm a bit further south than notts, but only an hour, so it depends where you are if that's any help (hopefully whoever you see in notts will be just what you need tho).

owl they did say that they'd put a SANDS sticker on my notes if we were to conceive again, for exactly that reason - they should know about it wherever you are, and if not I guess the sticker would be of limited use, but I think you could get one from SANDs directly if they don't offer it. Hope it's gone ok today.

Googledoodle Fri 26-Jul-13 08:13:33

It's been v quiet on here recently; hope everyone's ok? (Maybe just avoiding tinternet and the Kate frenzy?).

OwlinaTree Fri 26-Jul-13 12:09:37

Hi google I'm ok. I will look into the SANDS stickers, i do remember something about that now you say it.

I'm glad you are ttc again, I'm keeping my fingers crossed for all of you and myself, please let this little one stick. I keep doing tests cos i can't really believe it tbh. Midwife appointment went ok, it was a different midwife to last time so she had no idea what had happened (what is the point of all these notes they make at the time!) so had to go through it all. I think she was quite saddened actually. I am getting consultant led care, shared between the hospital and the midwife in the clinic. I am also having a section at the moment. I was told i couldn't have a home birth.

Little hope it goes well on Monday. My daughter was treated in Nottingham hospital, the one attached to the university, and the staff were amazing during a very difficult time. I will be thinking of you. You have probably already done this, but make sure you write down all the questions you have so you remember to ask everything at the time. Whenever I saw the consultant after the event i just started to cry so having questions written down really helped me get the most out of the session. I hope you do get some answers this time.

hugs to all.

OwlinaTree Fri 26-Jul-13 12:20:17

Stickers ordered from SANDS site! Thanks for the tip google

missalexandra Sat 27-Jul-13 11:33:03

Hi Ladies

Been away at my Dads for a few days with no internet connection so will try to catch up on all the news. What I did have at my Dads was almost 24 hour Sky News coverage of the royal baby event...he kept going to sleep with the TV remote firmly clutched in his hand so I was forced to either leave the room or watch hour after hour of repeated drivel about it all angry It made me sooo angry that there was not the slightest hint that there could be any other outcome than a smiling happy healthy baby at the end of her labour. Of course like some of you have said, I too am happy for them and blame the media. I wonder if its because none of them dared to mention anything negative, or whether there really is so much ignorance about stillbirth that they didnt even consider it could happen to a 'royal'. Then again, like you have also said...of course she would have had constant monitoring and care. I'm sure her nurses wouldnt have told he not to fuss if her baby wasnt moving. Better stop there before this becomes a major rant!

It was the first time I'd seen any of my family since losing Alex (we live a long way away) and it was nice to see my Dad, but I was quite surprised at my sister. Just got a text from her saying she was busy and wouldnt be able to get up to see me. Also only saw my brother for about 20 mins with no mention of anything, and my SIL didnt even bother to call round! We usually all get together for at least one meal, so it was very wierd. Made me feel like I had the plague...I suppose they just didnt know what to say but even a quick "dont know what to say" is better than avoiding me, surely?

Showed a couple of photos of Alex to my Dad, he said how beautiful she was and that he wanted to keep the photos. I felt really bad but I said no, that they are not photos I want everyone to see (I know they would have been put up on his sideboard and shown to everyone). I'm not sure if he was a bit upset although he said he understood...was I really selfish? I dont mind showing them to close friends/famliy if they ask, but I just dont want anyone to have them...does that make sense?

Hope our pregnant ladies are feeling good and hugs to all xx

Little9 Mon 29-Jul-13 21:49:39

Well ladies. I am back on the rollercoaster of ttc again. Went to queens med hospital today (same one as your daughter, owl) and they seem to be a bit more clued up. Was very posh place and seemed to be very organised. As well as the stitch (which was all Lincoln was going to do) they'll give me antibiotics every two weeks and progesterone throughout, therefore covering all the areas I'm most worried about. Now just need to get pregnant and past 12 weeks, not much then! hmm

I kinda feel as if a weight has been lifted. I know there are no guarantees that any of the above will work but feel like I'm gonna be looked after, even though it's gonna take me an hour to get there. I'm so hoping there is a little rainbow out there for me. Saw one yesterday actually so hopefully that was a good sign!! I wonder how long this positivity will last!!

Hope everyone is ok, xx

Googledoodle Mon 29-Jul-13 22:27:57

little soo pleased for you, that sounds really positive smile I was wondering today how you were doing. Fingers crossed it happens for you v soon.

missalex glad you're back, sounds like you didn't have the easiest of times whilst away though. About the media, actually I think a lot of it is genuine ignorance rather than anything else - I certainly never knew the stats for stillbirth were 1 in 200, and since Eddy was born a lot of people have shared their stories which they otherwise wouldn't have - I think historically it wasn't talked about, and people still don't, largely. I guess its not easy to. With your family - yes, some people seem to find it easier to avoid than to just say something. I have sympathy with them because I've always been useless at knowing what to say, and I would have been at least as crap as them. They probably really feel sad for you and would like to help - and would hate to know they're doing the opposite sad. Someone has posted a link in chat to an article it might be worth them seeing, I'll have a look for it.
Btw I relate to the photos thing - I'd emailed mine to a lovely lady with nilmdts and not heard back for a while. Even though I trusted her I still felt weird and strangely uncomfortable that she had copies of our photos. I think it's because they're so very precious as we have so little left of our children. I'm still debating what I'd like to do and whether to display ours - the pictures the lady sent back are more displayable now as they're sepia.

owl glad the appointment went ok and that you ordered the stickers - hope they're useful so you don't have to keep re- saying it all. I told some people for the first time in a while today and didn't manage to hold it together - I hate that, it makes people think they've upset you, when actually you want to be able to talk but for some reason cry instead...

Not been the best day today, started off with a dentist appointment, then telling people and crying, then trying to keep it together this afternoon with my kids despite still feeling wobbly, then heard my grandad has died. He was over 100, so it's not exactly a shock, or sad in the way babies dying is, but I'm not looking forward to telling the kids tomorrow, I feel sad for them having to deal with death again... Tell me it's ok that I'm drinking tonight despite ttc? (It's about day 13/14 so unlikely to affect anything, surely?)

Hugs to all especially those lurking smile

Googledoodle Mon 29-Jul-13 22:38:02

This was the thread I was talking about and this was the link.

misschord Tue 30-Jul-13 00:56:21

Hi everyone, I'm so pleased to find this thread. I lost my DD 6 weeks ago. She was an undiagnosed footling breech baby, and deprived of oxygen during a very fast labour (we didn't get to hospital). She only lived for 24 hours. I feel as if I'm coping pretty well but it is good to have a rant now and then. It's comforting to read that I'm not the only one reacting to the royal birth - I thought I'd be fine with it, especially as it's not a girl. The bereavement support worker at the hospital said my reaction may be because K & W are able to share their joy with billions of people, and only a very few people got to meet Katy.

I can sympathise with oliviarosemummy's problems with SIL. So sorry for you being put in that position - I'm sure I wouldn't cope. My eldest stepdaughter (who is 27) is being so attention seeking and behaving as if the world owes her a favour. The latest is I have found out she has been complaining to people that I didn't invite her to the hospital to see DD as soon as she was born, and therefore she is hurt that she was excluded from meeting her when she was alive. Whatever she may feel about the fact that we chose to spend this precious time alone with DD, I can't believe that she would start badmouthing me at a time like this. Grrr!

Anyway, now ttc, or at least not trying not to, so fingers crossed for me, please, and I wish everyone on here lots of love and luck.

OwlinaTree Tue 30-Jul-13 20:39:42

Hi all.

Nice to have you back missalex. I'm glad it was good to see your dad. Although you didn't want him to have the pictures, it was so lovely that he wanted them and said she was beautiful. He is showing that he sees her as part of your family, which is great. It has helped me a lot that family have acknowledged my daughter. We were at my Granny's funeral on Monday and completely unexpectedly my uncle mentioned my daughter during his tribute to Granny, when he was talking about the family. It did make me cry, but was also a lovely way of making her part of the family, important just like Granny's other great grandchild.

It is a shame about your brother and sis in law not being able to see you. Hopefully next visit they will be there for you. I do hope so.

little that sounds like great news!! Like you say, it seems like they have lots of strategies and will look after you well. So just the getting pregnant bit now... Fingers crossed!! So pleased that you are feeling so positive now too.

google so sorry to hear about your Grandad. I know what you mean about it not exactly being a shock due to the age - my Granny was nearly 95, but it's still upsetting, and i totally sympathise with having to tell your children. I hope it went ok. As for the drinking - well, you will have months of no drinking once you are pg so i say go for it!

Welcome to you misschord. My daughter also died due to lack of oxygen during the birth. The cord was wrapped tightly round her neck and starved her brain of oxygen. She died at 3 days old. This was in Sept 13, and she was my first child. I am now around 8/9 weeks pg with my rainbow. Sorry about your stepdaughter making it all about her, you could do without that i'm sure. Fingers crossed for ttc again.

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