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Rainbow babies. Remembering our angels, riding the rollercoaster and hoping for little rainbows and sunshine.

(1000 Posts)
Little9 Thu 31-Jan-13 20:17:09

An angel in the book of life wrote down our babies births. And whispered as she closed the book...too beautiful for this earth.

Fingers crossed for rainbows and BFPs for everyone!

Whatevertheweather Thu 18-Apr-13 19:38:22

Green been trying to get on all day to send gentle hugs and love to you and all your lovely family. Floaty kisses to beautiful Merryn - how I wish she was here with you xxx

Snowy a warm but sad welcome to this wonderful thread. I lost my dd2 Erin in August 2011 after she was unexpectedly born with a cancerous tumour. I went on to have her baby sister in August 2012 and I am lucky enough to have a gorgeous 6yr old girl as well xxx

Lots of positive thoughts please ladies - a dear friend who I met through my local sands group had her rainbow boy today but he was born early at 32 weeks after my friend realised her womb was rupturing again - she lost her 2nd son due to a placental abruption in 2011. He's quite poorly in nicu so lots of healing thoughts please xx

poglol Thu 18-Apr-13 22:16:20

Hi snowy and welcome. My daughter was born in September at 38 weeks. There were complications during the birth with the cord round her neck and she was starved of oxygen. She died 3 days later. Sorry to hear about your little one, it's still very early days for you.

My AF returned on Xmas day, so around about 14 weeks after. Since then they've been pretty regular. We are also trying, but i am trying to be calm about it at the mo (drums fingers impatiently).

There have been many challenges, not least returning to work, which although good to help you feel more normal, is a very strange thing to do.

I've found the support on here great as it is always there and from people who can understand you better. My friends are great but they just want me to be me again and it's weird - i am and I'm not.

Thinking of you all, especially little star and kleine. Keep trying xx

Babyh200 Thu 18-Apr-13 22:20:43

Evening all

Came home from our trip yesterday......seems like I've been away from the thread for years rather than 3 wks but I have been thinking of you all every day smile

Its gonna take me a while to catch up so apologies if I don't namecheck everyone. So here it goes:

Green: You and your gorgeous daughter have been in my heart today. Its so unfair that you didnt get to spend her 1st birthday like every mother should. Those hours in gosh this time last year must have sheer torture......theres nothing I can say to ease your pain but I am sending a massive virtual hug and remembering Merryn xxxxxxxxxxx

Kliene: Totally gutted for you......just to say I'm here for you. I know you will gather your strength for the next battle my friend because you are so incredibly brave. I'm sure you must be missing your lovely perfect 'E' more than ever but I also know she will give you the strength to stay strong. Lots of love xxxxxxxx

Whatever: I'm so very very sorry for your you know any news about her little boy? I am willing their little rainbow to make it. Lots of hugs xxxxx


Babyh200 Thu 18-Apr-13 22:39:28

Littlestar: Sorry your AF got you. TTC after our babies have died is so incredibly tough I didnt cope very well at all. Hopefully a rainbow baby wont be far away. When I saw the consultant before we went away she said to me It seemed like 5 minutes since she last saw me. (I felt like saying.......It feels like forever!!!!)

Fan: Great news about the scan......hopefully you feel a tiny bit more content.......did they give you an EDD or do you have to wait until next week? xxxxxxx

More to follow........

Babyh200 Thu 18-Apr-13 23:05:23

Jules: Welcome and so sorry to meet you here. I was so sorry to read about Ben and to hear about your stuggle to conceive then the loss of your little rainbow......its truly heartbreaking to be in this position. Life is so incredibly cruel.....Ben is a lovely name for your baby boy I wish he was here with you xxxx

Snowy: Welcome to you too, Olivia is such a pretty name......Im so sorry shes not here, its so unfair. My son Adam died last July 5 days before my planned c-section. I went to hospital following reduced movement followed by a change of pattern but my beautiful boy was already gone when we got there : ( My cycle took 10.5 wks to return initially but it was slow to get back to normal......although I think stress played a huge factor because I was so desperate to be pregnant again. I am lucky to have 2 other beautiful
children age 7 and 9 and I am currently 10 + 3 pregnant with a potential rainbow baby xxxxx

Babyh200 Thu 18-Apr-13 23:41:58

Poglol: Hope your ok . I totally get what you mean about your friends wanting 'the old you back'. I remember saying that I didnt know if the old me would ever be back (I still don't) I found it so difficult coping with how other people dealt with 'A's death.....they seemed to move on and my world was trapped in 'that day'. Glad you have some lovely plans this week to distract you from the 2WW I hope you have a great time at the Meatloaf concert and the marathon xxxxx

Lemon: 31 wks wow. Sorry you ended up in the Maternity Unit getting monitiored. Stay strong your almost there xxxxxx

Blizy: How are you? I really hope this month is your month. I hope your feeling better.....remember I was sick the month I got preg and so was Fan.....maybe its a sign.......... God I will be recommending the psychic lady next xxxxxxx

Babyh200 Thu 18-Apr-13 23:57:56

Rainbox: How the baby box? Hope your doing ok. Any news about your request for a section? Don't let them bully you into giving birth naturally if thats REALLY not what you want. Having had both, I found a c-section much easier but I know that others don't. Hope you doing ok. Big hugs xxxxxxxx

Cheese and Razz: when are your scans hope all is well xxxxx

Ok I'm starting to forget who I have or havent mentioned so I'm gonna give up and go to bed and send humble apologies to those I havent caught up with yet xxx

Sadly my grandad died 2 days after we went to Florida. I was gutted because we missed his funeral too. Although I knew his cancer was advanced I didnt think it would happen so quickly so no last goodbyes. My mum was glad it was while we were away because shes worried about my getting too upset IFYKWIM

Also we arrived home to the news my SIL was in labour which was a lot to take in as soon as we walked in the door. Anyway she gave birt to a little girl and I'm ashamed to say I felt nothing but relief. My DH and his sister are the spit of eachother and I was worried if it was a boy the baby might bear a famiky resemblance to my beautiful boy...........luckily I didnt have to face that particular hurdle.

Desperate to get to my next scan date......the time is dragging........

Love to all xxxxxxxxx

poglol Fri 19-Apr-13 16:51:53

Post has arrived from the baby show. How have they got our address? angry

lemonsherbet Fri 19-Apr-13 18:03:09

babyh200 so sorry to hear about your grandfather that must have been tough for you. A very unmumsnet hug.

LittleStar0909 Fri 19-Apr-13 19:18:51

Hi Babyh I'm so sorry to hear about your grandfather, I hope he wasn't in any pain, sending you hugs xxx

RainboxFX Sun 21-Apr-13 15:01:45

I am reading and thinking about us all, so sorry to hear about so many sad and difficult times. Sending out all the strength I can.

Am struggiling a bit. Today I am 24+3 days. Dexter was born at 24+2. It is his birthday next Tuesday. We planned this really badly. April has been tough and I can't see May being much easier. I just have no patience with anyone around me, everything people say annoys me, even though they are trying to be kind. They just don't understand. I feel like I am letting both my children down. How can I love Noodles when I am pining for his brother? How can I have left Dexter behind by having another baby? I can't imagine being able to take a baby home. I am frightened and worried all the time, and I don't feel like there is anyone in RL other than DH who understands.

Sorry to be so down and self indulgent. I will get over this, just a rough patch.

Sending love.

Babyh200 Sun 21-Apr-13 16:42:01

Oh Rainbox It must be incredibly hard with Dexters anniversary approaching. Your not leaving him behind at all.......he cant be here and he would want nothing more than his mummy to be happy. You have reached a milestone whole day longer with noodles growing in your belly than your beautiful Dexter.......Im sure he is watching over his little brother protecting him.
Im so sorry things are tough at the moment, I feel exactly the same and I'm just waiting for the day it all goes wrong but I promise you things will get better. Did you get any counselling for your anxiety? My counsellor has told me I also need some to help me cope with my irrational fears. People in RL try their best but really (in my experience) only the ones who've been there understand. Think of all the brave women on this thread who've managed to bring home a rainbow........most recently Elly and the gorgeous Arabella and soon you will be there too! Your over half way there and doing amazingly well.........keep your chin up and rant as much as you need to because we will all be here to hold your hand.
Sending massive hugs your way xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Babyh200 Sun 21-Apr-13 16:52:32

I hope that came out right about your worries Rainbox. I was trying to say your not alone on this journey. I know your desperately missing Dexter and his 1st birthday will be so is so incredibly unfair. I wish here was here with you. I am thinking of you and sending positive vibes for you to stay strong xxxxxxxx

fanjodisfunction Sun 21-Apr-13 17:29:30

poglol its is amazing how they do it. I got emaisl from some baby thing, I sent one back saying my babies dead leave me alone. Didn't even get an apology. I hope you havnt let it get you down.

rainbox I understand totally, this saturday it is Fi's second birthday, how can that be. We are leaving for cornwall for a few days on saturday as well, it feels odd to be pg, it doesn't feel right, a year ago last week I miscarraied Bungle. I keep reliving Fi's birth, I can't imagine hearing the babies cry, I have a fear I'm going to be a terrible mother, that the reason I don't have kids why they all died is because I'm a crap mum. I keep thinking lightening is going to strike twice, that something else might happen.
And I keep thinking of little I hope if your reading this, please know that you are always on our minds.

RainboxFX Mon 22-Apr-13 14:21:17

Thank you, I have hit my first target of 24 weeks, my next is 28 weeks, then pretty much fortnightly from then on. I have a cervix scan tomorrow which will reassure me, and I do feel physically well and healthy. But that doesn't really help if I am honest, I was feeling great until six hours before Dexter was born and I am just terrified it will happen again.

I feel insensitive for whining, everyone has had such hard times, and I have gotten off lightly in many ways. I feel blessed to have gotten pregnant so fast, and I am so grateful every day. Petrified but grateful.

babyh thank you, I understand exactly what you mean. I do think about going for more counselling, but I am not very good at it. If people ask how I am, the answer if fine thank you, how are you? Not very healthy I know. It is so kind of you to worry about me when you clearly have enough on your own plate. So sorry to hear about your Grandfather. And I hope you get your scan date through soon, we have been living from scan to scan!

fan thank you too. You are already a mother, filled with so much love, but I know it is hard to feel that way when you have no living children. I sometimes feel like Dexter was never really mine, even though I know I carried him and loved him the best I could. I hope the weekend is gentle to you.

Thinking of us all.

fanjodisfunction Mon 22-Apr-13 15:31:19

Why did I have to start spotting today, its only brown but there is enough to wear a pad. I'm not in pain but I do have lower back ache. I could really do without this. Thankfully I have my scan on wednesday but really at the moment it feels like an age away.

greengoose Mon 22-Apr-13 16:39:43

Snowy... As the others have said, welcome, but I'm so sorry you need to be here. To answer your question, after I gave birth to Merryn (also at 32 wks) I was surprised that my AF arrived about four or five weeks later. My cycle settled into a routine, but not the same as before, but i found it has changed after each time ive been pregnant.
My consultant said we could try straight away, although they did put me on asprin and high dose Folic acid, but that was because of Preeclamsia. I can relate to wanting to try straight away, although I think in the end I am glad it has taken us a few months as I feel more able to cope with being pregnant that I would have done in the early days.

FAN, you really do not need this. I hope the spotting is stopping and you are able to rest? Are you at work, and if so can you go home?
I will be thinking about you through the week until your scan, and then of course coming up to Fi's birthday on the 27th.
Of course you are worried sick about this little one, but I really don't think you need to worry about being a good mum, as Rainbox said, you are a mum already, and you are going to be amazing for this little one too, really.
(I don't know how it is there, but the maternity day unit here will Doppler me when I'm worried, if I call and tell them I'm coming, it might be worth calling them to ask, if it would make the wait until Wed any easier)?

RAINBOX, 24 weeks, you are doing so well, although this month and these weeks must be so hard for you. I am glad you are being scanned regularly, it must help a little. (although for me no more than two days before the panic returns)!
I think I understand some of how you feel about Dexter and this baby, and it all being very confusing and difficult. I sometimes think that it's Merryn inside me, and then feel guilty that I feel so upset that it isn't. I don't know how we will feel when our little ones are here. I remember worrying (although obviously different) when I was due my second boy that I couldn't feel as strongly about him as I do about his brother. When he came he looked so different (while looking like his brother too), and was so obviously himself, and that helped. I hope, for me, that Merryn and her brothers will always be loved differently but just as much as each other, I think mums are good at this. I just wish it was different for us all....
I'll be thinking of you and Dexter on his birthday. Do you have any plans for the day? X

BABYH, I'm sorry to hear about your Granddad. And I'm glad your SIL had a lovely girl, I completely understand why that makes it a little easier for you. X

I need to go, but Thankyou to everyone who thought of us and Merryn last week. It meant an awful lot. We ran away on Thurs and went to Cadburys world with the boys (don't ask). Then we had WE at Inlaws in the NE. Lots of driving and time with the boys, and sugar. I think on Merryns birthday we wanted to remember and think, but we found no joy in the 18th and just got through as best we could, it wasn't easy. The week between her being born and leaving us is always going to be very difficult.

Whatevertheweather Mon 22-Apr-13 20:59:18

Oh fan squeezing your hand very tightly. How is it now? xxx

fanjodisfunction Mon 22-Apr-13 21:34:00

The spotting seams to have stopped, I hope that is it now, I can't really handle this at the moment.

Whatevertheweather Mon 22-Apr-13 22:16:48

Got everything crossed for you lovely fan xx

poglol Mon 22-Apr-13 22:20:52

Hi to all. Rainbox and fan, thinking of you both. It must be so hard at the moment with all the feelings you are having. You will both be great mums, no mum loves a second child less. Try to be positive and take it a day at a time.

On a happy note, a good friend ran the marathon for SANDS this weekend. He has raised around £1300 in total. It was his choice to run for this charity, and both me and DH feel very touched by the support he had shown us by doing this.

AF was due yesterday.... No sign yet...

blizy Tue 23-Apr-13 07:24:57

fan, thinking of you today and on the run up,to Fi's birthday. X

Rainbox, how are you feeling? Thinking of you and Dexter too. X

I am not pg this month as expected, af is starting.

Hope everyone is ok x

LittleStar0909 Tue 23-Apr-13 10:53:54

Hi everyone, how are you?

Fan hope you are feeling ok, just one more day until your scan.

Rainbox this must be such a hard time for you, but you are doing so well. I often wonder how I would cope if I was pg again, I love F so much it is had to imagine I could feel that strongly again, but many many people have more than one child and love them equally (as Green has said!), but Dexter will always have that extra special piece of your heart as he can't be here with you.

Green well done for getting through the week

Blizy sorry AF got you, hope you are not feeling too down.

Poglol that's fantastic, such a massive achievement and how wonderful that your friend supported you in that way.

My update-just plodding along at the moment, giving acupuncture a go to see if it helps with anything and everything. The hospital is having a memorial service this weekend and I have had to persuade DH to go with me which makes me sad. He keeps his grief very private which can make me feel very alone. He says he thinks about F all the time so doesn't need to do "forced remembering" but I feel like I need to do physical things as well as remembering him on my own. I think it is the public acknowledgement of my Son and how important he is that I need.

Whatevertheweather Wed 24-Apr-13 07:16:38

Thinking of you today fan hope no more spotting and your scan goes well xxx

greengoose Wed 24-Apr-13 07:37:31

FAN, all the best for you scan today. X

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