35 and not ready for a baby? Your experiences

[MesM]

Hi. I'm interested in other people's experiences. I have always imagined myself as a mother since I was a girl, see myself with children and love being with my nieces and friends children. However strangely I don't yet feel ready to try for a baby at 35 and happily married with a lovely home and no real money worries. I am thinking about retraining as I have a good career but often find my job stressful - although we definitely couldn't survive on one salary and I earn more.

I want children and know it will become harder to have a baby as I get older. My husband is ready to try now and will be an amazing dad. I expected I'd have an amazing urge to get pregnant but this is not there at the moment.

I'm interested to hear from other women about their experiences, whether they waited, went with the flow, did they know when the "right time" was?

[LimeFlower]

It's never the right time.

Go for it now-35 is not spring chicken in fertility terms,you don't know what underlying problems you might have.

Had a mc at 34 then some health issues that put me off ttc for over a year.

DS born 2 months before I turned 36,never felt 100% "ready" for motherhood.

Ask yourself a question if you see yourself childless in the future.My answer was NO.

DS is a little sunshine of my life :)

[Earlybird]

I think some people have an undeniable biological 'urge' to have a child, and others simply don't. If you know you want children, it may be that you 'take a leap of faith' at some point.

Do you and dh picture your family with more than one child? Any thoughts on what sort of age gap might be ideal? Work out the timing and then give that some consideration.

A piece of advice: if you are relatively healthy, most of your 'family planning' has been preventing pregnancy via birth control until now. When you start trying for a baby, it might happen quickly and it might not. You could have trouble conceiving, miscarriages are more common in older mothers, you may have tricky/difficult pregnancies, etc. You need to give yourself plenty of time to deal with any physical issues that might arise.

It is a fact that fertility drops significantly after 35, and dramatically after 42. The longer you wait, the longer it will take your body to 'snap back' into pre-baby shape. It really is easier for younger women.

[EuroShagmore]

As you know you want children one day, don't wait for some amazing biological urge to hit you, at 35, get on with it.

I say that as some one who had no interest at all in children for many years, not even far off into the future. In my early 30s I changed. It took my husband another couple of years to come round. We started trying when I was 34. I've just turned 37 and we are still trying, in the middle of IVF at the moment. We would both like 2, but that is seeming increasingly unlikely and we would be deliriously happy with one at this point.

Have you seen the Friends episode where Rachel works out that if she wants to fulfil her life plan she needed to have met her future husband 6 months ago? Do a similar calculation. If you would like 2 kids, you really need to be conceiving the second at 41. Say it takes a year (if you are lucky), you need to start at 40. If you want the commmon 2 year or so age gap, your first will need to have been born 18 months before that, so when you are 38. So you needed to get pregnant at 37. If you conceive on the slow end of normal but without any major problems, that could take a year, so you would need to start trying at 36.

You can put your own variables into that, but you see the point.

BTW, for me, the first time we actively tried, it felt a bit like jumping off a cliff, not knowing when I was going to hit the cold water below. The good thing about pregnancy is that once you have taken the plunge you have 9 months to get used to the idea. I have had far too long to get used to it!

[mumoftwoboysS]

I agree with the ladies above. I think some people just aren't sure, but the problem is time does keep ticking on, and you may never be 100% sure. I always knew I wanted kids, and not long before we got married we decided we wanted kids soon, then suddenly I couldn't wait (oops 3 weeks pregnant the ceremony!) my biological 'urge' was in full swing! But I have a friend who turned 40 last year and told me she's still not sure if she wants kids- I told her she needs to just decide either way as time is not on her side!

It's definitely easier the younger you are. I'm hoping to ttc for dc3 soon and I'm going to be 36 next month- I'm sure it'll be the hardest pregnancy as I'm that much older, so if you want an easier time of it I'd say start as early as possible! Good luck and there's no doubt once your little bundle of joy is here you'll wonder why you waited so long or had any doubts about it all!

[MesM]

Hi ladies. Thanks for your comments - lots of food for thought.

[SeriousStuff]

I'm 32 soon, and often say that if I could have another 10 years before having children, I would take it. I'm very happy with the life my DH and I have and have so many things I'd like to do but a few months ago, it suddenly hit me, what happens if we leave it for another couple of years and find it difficult? Would I regret not starting sooner? So we started this month!

I've never had a long-lasting maternal urge but know I'd regret not having children one day. There will never be a good time, but also remember that you can achieve so much even when you do have children - if you want something badly enough and are willing to work towards it, it will happen e.g. you could always take night classes or study part time if you want to retrain.

I still have big plans, but I will hopefully get to share those new achievements with an extending family, not just DH and our dog! Stay in touch if hand holding or is needed!

[Lafaminute]

Never felt ready but had been married 5 years and dh really wanted a family, then we moved and I was finding it hard to get a job and then I got pregnant and....10 years later I still haven't got a job but have two gorgeous children. Wasn't quite how I imagined or planned it but I am not unhappy just slightly surprised that all my plans for a decent career went awry while dh's went from strength to strength.

[Havingkittens]

I didn't meet my OH until I was 34 and didn't feel ready to start trying for a baby until I was 37 and was 2.5yrs into my relationship. I got pregnant quite quickly, and miscarried at 10 weeks. I got pregnant again very quickly at 38 and had to terminate due to chromosomal abnormalities, same thing happened again at 39. Got pregnant again at 40, miscarried. This happened 3 times in a year. My only consolation was that I could get pregnant quickly. Then struggled to conceive for 18 months and after spending a lot of money and putting myself through the emotional and physical mill of being on various fertility treatments, treatment to stop me miscarrying and panicking like made about my Nuchal Scan at 12 weeks this time, I am finally 30 weeks pregnant at 43.

So, I would say that if you feel you'd really like a child (even more so if you want more than one), don't wait until what you think might be the right time as you may regret it more than you know.

I'm not trying to give a sob story, just to say that it's a big mistake to take it for granted that you will just be able to have a baby when you decide the time is right.

If you're thinking of retraining then I'd say it would be a good idea to do this later, when you're child is ready for nursery or school. If you retrain and then have a baby at the beginning of your new career it might be harder to establish yourself or get things off the ground if you take a year out for Maternity leave. Also, really hard to focus on new career if you're struggling with TTC issues a couple of years down the line.

[MesM]

Thanks a lot. SeriousStuff I may take you up on drinks and handholding. I've realised as much as not having an all consuming urge, I'm actually a quite nervous.

[ArielThePiraticalMermaid]

What Euro said.

You may be lucky and conceive when you feel ready. You might wait til you're ready and still be trying three years later.

Three years of TTC at the age of 37 I have wobbles every day about whether I'm ready :)

[Rockchick1984]

I don't have the age issue (am not yet 30) but just wanted to share. I got pregnant accidentally with DS at 26, having never had a maternal instinct, wasn't bothered either way if I had children or not. It was completely the wrong time in my life for it to happen - career was going well, hadn't been with (now) DH for long, we were saving to buy a house so were living with my parents at the time

Anyway, long story short as soon as I had him I knew I wanted more children! We decided to be sensible though and wait until we were more settled and back on our feet financially after throwing everything into disarray by me becoming a SAHM!

We have now been trying for nearly 6 months, and I'm not pregnant yet. I know it's not long in the grand scheme of things, and is well below average times taken, but having had 1 accident and conceived DS I really thought it would be just as easy this time - clearly an extra 2.5 years has made a difference to my fertility despite being relatively young!

What I'm trying to say is don't assume you will feel ready, don't assume you know how you will feel about anything once your child is here, an certainly DON'T take your fertility for granted!

If someone told you that unless you started trying now for a baby, you would be childless forever, what would you do?

[aufaniae]

"If someone told you that unless you started trying now for a baby, you would be childless forever, what would you do?"

^^ This.

If you're sure you want children, don't wait to feel "ready" if time is against you. It's a bugger, but time is against us as women!

However it's not compulsory to have DCs! If you wouldn't mind if you missed the chance, then maybe it's not what you want really?

Are you able to put a finger on what you're feeling nervous about?

[TriumphGirl]

I've just joined up to the site, I'm 38 and thought I didn't want kids though always seen kids in my future when I was younger. My hubby is 53 and has 3 grown up children and 4 grandchildren. Having another child is not top of his list but he has always said that if I wanted a baby he was happy for us to do so.
We have decided to give it a go! I'm off to the Dr's tonight to arrange getting my coil removed but I am so scared that now we have made the decision that it won't happen :-( time is definately NOT on our side.
But MesM, I felt exactly like you, I have never felt ready, I have a good career, etc but like some others say, you might never feel ready, you might just have to go for it!
Good luck whatever you decide!

[aufaniae]

Good luck TriumphGirl I hope all goes well for you :)

You may find it helpful to join a TTC (Trying To Conceive) thread under the Conception topic. I did when I was TTC the last time. (Took 7 months! Was nice to have people to talk to about it.)

[TriumphGirl]

Thank you aufaniae, I will join a TTC thread and hope for the best...... everything crossed please!

[MesM]

Well just trying to articulate what I feel helped this week. We want children and we are going to start trying but a little slowly- start being less careful and improving our diet that kind of thing from now on before we start trying.

I'm nervous about just about everything - will we be able to conceive? How will i cope with disappointment? Will I be a good mother? How will we cope financially? None of which is worth an answer. Any big change would make me nervous. It's a leap of faith but one we'll take. I want to be a mother and my husband will be such a good dad. So nervous but excited too.

Good luck ladies! x