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dear pregnant work mate spare thought before...

(63 Posts)
bluer Thu 22-Nov-12 17:30:07

whining about how worried you were that your second child took so long to conceive you were getting worried....when you only had your implant taken out four months ago.
And not only showing your scan pix once but actually leaving them lying out on the table all through dinner even though we have all seen them...
And then moan about how far you're getting and how awful it all is. ..
When the green eyed monster has me and I'd quite happily chew your arm off to be in your shoes...

ArielThePiraticalMermaid Mon 26-Nov-12 20:11:05

Well there is a lot in my life at the moment, even without the TTC and IUI, so at the moment I am kind of taking it on the chin smile

Griffomais Mon 26-Nov-12 20:07:01

Hi Ariel thanx your advice is very much appreciated - don't know if I have the strength to do it before Xmas but I know I can't hide it of much longer as it's killing me. How are you coping?

ArielThePiraticalMermaid Mon 26-Nov-12 19:40:17

I am Unexplained after three years. We are now telling everyone. Fed up of hiding it all. Tell them exactly how you would like them to treat you when you do it.

Griffomais Mon 26-Nov-12 19:25:17

Thanx for your replies guys - going round the twist more than normal this month no idea why. Feel like giving up but just can't. Maybe it's time to go private and get some assistance just don't know if I can face it. Sinky good luck with your IVF I really hope it works for you. MysteriousHamster thanks for your advice Ive been using ovulation sticks for a while now but think I'll give you the ClearBlue Fertility Monitor a go. Thanx again ladies x

MysteriousHamster Mon 26-Nov-12 19:15:44

Griffomais, you've probably thought of it but have you tried the ClearBlue Fertility Monitor? I only mention it as we were 'unexplained' for a long time but using that suggested I ovulate from days 8-10 which is much earlier than I thought.

Being unexplained is just bloody awful, when there's no reason for it not to happen but it isn't all the same.

The other option is to tell your mum. It does depend on your parents though. When I finally got up the guts to tell mine she just said 'it'll be okay' and didn't mention it again until I successfully (eventually) got pregnant with my DS after treatment.

I am honest with friends about my issues, but not at work. At work I'd feel like they'd take the piss (a lot of young guys), and it's just not worth the hassle.

SinkyMalinks Mon 26-Nov-12 19:09:44

Dunno griffomais, but I'm in the same position, it that's any conciliation. I'm the uber driven career girl. And about to start ivf after TTC from 2009.

Good luck with the family. I'm sticking with the ostrich approach and hoping for a miracle.

Griffomais Mon 26-Nov-12 17:50:05

Can I ask for some advice please? I'm at 26 months of TTC had various tests all came back clear, husband's sperm is fine. Really at my wits end as no apparent reason - Now at the stage of needing to share this information with my family as they have no idea. Everyone assumes that we don't want children. My Mum constantly makes reference to me being career minded and liking my exotic holidays. If only she knew I cry myself to sleep on a regular basis and feel bereft about a little person I'll probably never have. So so sad right now.

FriendofDorothy Sat 24-Nov-12 21:51:11

I agree with faith - I have always been honest with people about our TTC woes. It always pissed me off when I got to hear about how wonderful their bloody children were and decided that the least they could do was acknowledge that life isn't all sunshine and roses.

HavingALittleFaithBaby Sat 24-Nov-12 21:10:06

I agree about the honesty with infertility! We TTC'd for 32 cycles (ish, I lost count!) and were gearing up for IVF when I fell pregnant. We'd told our families about our woes after about 18 months because there was a lot of expectation about us having a baby. I told several friends - I agree with another comment above about knowing who your friends are!

When we had the first scan and went public, I wanted to be clear about our fertility problems because its been so taboo and tough. So we (without detail about the problems!) that it had taken nearly 3 years and had been a tough journey and we were so blessed that I was diffed. Interestingly, lots of people messaged us saying they had been in or are in a similar position and appreciated our honesty so I'm glad we did it that way.

bluer Sat 24-Nov-12 11:46:46

Ariel your mil sounds like a right charmer...shame you can't choose your relatives eh?

ArielThePiraticalMermaid Sat 24-Nov-12 10:35:04

My MIL did that when my SIL told her there would be no children unless she had an operation followed by IVF. Literally no response at all and then changed the subject. It took lot for her to pluck up the guts to tell her, and then that.

Poor MIL with her two barren DILs. At least her own daughter is fertile <catty>

StrawberriesTasteLikeLipsDo Sat 24-Nov-12 08:56:08

jethro thats a great way to put it! Thats exactly how I approached it I just struggled to get the help from the doctor. Personally I think that the attitude I got from the doc, and the fight I had to get any tests, contributes to the secretive attitude that surrounds problems TTC.

mrsHY that is a fab one liner!

I must admit that I'm not perfect myself and think Im guilty of offending at least one colleague before I knew what problems could be faced, but Hope that now, the majority of the time i would react in a way that would be supportive.

Although I must say that having someone not respond, literally pretend you hadnt spoken, is almost worse than a crass response.

JethroTull Fri 23-Nov-12 21:37:11

Another Barren reporting for duty. I'm a natural over sharer so I tell everyone. I make a point of it. Even if it makes them uncomfortable. If I had bad eyesight I'd see an optician . I've got the ovaries of an 80 year old so I need help to have a baby. People don't need to feel sorry for me.

<steps of soapbox>

DreamingOfPeace Fri 23-Nov-12 21:17:32

I agree with more openness. I'm bloody lucky, I have a DD, 2 and 7.5 month old twins, all naturally conceived. I'm blessed.

I know one person who is currently undergoing ivf after a failed first attempt. Another has just had an ivf baby. Another friend of a friend has one 5 yo and is desperate for another but has had 2 miscarriages, no further bfp. I sometimes feel almost embarrassed to be so lucky, especially when I was pregnant with my boys and the couple who've just had their ivf baby couldn't even bear to come round sad

So (((hugs)) op, you sound lovely, here's hoping you get so lucky soon.

mirry2 Fri 23-Nov-12 20:58:43

I had several miscarriages while all round me my friends were having babies. I used to thnk it was so unfair that none of them had gone through my pain. I didn't know anyone who had a miscarriage and there was no mumsnet at the time. I felt so alone, especially as my friend avoided me while they were pregnant and even at work eople who were pregnant would stop talking about babies whenever I entrered the room. I really didn't talk about my miscarriages at all and did my best to pretend that I was overjoyed for other people whenever they were pregnant so I don't know why they acted like they did.

bluer Fri 23-Nov-12 20:53:53

Oh Mrs that is an absolute corker of a comment.
I think these threads are healthy in getting the message out there and making people aware <feels virtuous>

EuroShagmore Fri 23-Nov-12 20:39:03

I love it, MrsHY! !

I favour telling people. People who I don't know well who make insensitive comments get something like "it isn't easy for everyone you know <wounded look>". Close friends and family all know and have for the most part been very supportive and thoughtful. I do accept it isn't for everyone though. And I have kept it away from work, save for telling one person I am quite close to. I don't want to be kept away from the good opportunities because of a baby I might not ever have.

As for "where are the 1 in 7?", my two closest friends have IVF babies. Another had a number of miscarriages before finally having a baby last month. And this isn't from a vast social circle. I also know two other acquaintances who are having problems - one is having IVF and the other I know had a miscarriage about 2 years ago and doesn't have a baby yet. I think I am collecting them all! (Or more likely, because I have talked about it, other people have said "me too" rather than initiating a "taboo" subject themselves.)

MrsHY1 Fri 23-Nov-12 19:35:12

My new response to insensitive questions about kids and lack thereof (and I appreciate this is not for the faint hearted) is: "I'd love a baby, but its difficult to conceive one when you love it up the arse as much as I do."
Apologies if I've upset anyone's sensibilities, I've had a couple of sherbets.blush

Phineyj Fri 23-Nov-12 19:33:23

I tell you what, infertility certainly sorts out your real friends from the ones who aren't, so much, and it's not always who you think. I made an active decision at the lowest point, after a few years of trying, to avoid the ones who either got embarrassed or wouldn't acknowledge the issue and to spend more times with the ones who were supportive. I also decided not to involve my MIL or her side of the family in any way (with DH's full support) as I knew I wouldn't be able to deal with the feeling sorry for us/constant enquiries and sending of news clippings. I decided I'd definitely rather people thought we were selfish and didn't want children than felt sorry for us.

I do think people should talk about it more and now I'm (finally) pregnant I have been quite open with people that it was really difficult, we had to use an egg donor, go abroad for treatment etc as I believe that's the only way people will understand how hard it can be (I was still astonished at the number of people who couldn't get over the 'abroad' part and kept talking like it was a holiday...FFS, who travels thousands of miles for an outpatient procedure if they don't have to?!).

I do think that it doesn't even occur to a lot of people that that childless colleague might not be so through choice. I also think it's possible to be happy and excited for friends/colleagues/relatives who are pregnant and enjoy being around children while at the same time needing to avoid some situations, people and comments/focus on other things. Weirdly, for me, it was an activity I sometimes used to do on a weekend where most of the other participants were retired that got to me. They'd talk constantly about their grandchildren and I'd contemplate how there were no other 30-somethings there as all off doing things with children and go home and cry! It would be awful/is awful to be branded that tragic figure where all discussion of babies and children must be avoided...I was also driven mad by one or two people (best friend's husband, I'm looking at you) who responded in that 'quick, let's get the flipchart out and brainstorm lots of solutions' way. When you're in that situation you need tea and sympathy, not enquiries as to whether you've considered surrogacy (or whatever)...

ArielThePiraticalMermaid Fri 23-Nov-12 19:22:35

I know, it's hard isn't it?

For me, it's not wanting sympathy so much as a bit of empathy.

bluer Fri 23-Nov-12 19:12:38

Wow quite a discussion going! I'm not sure why we havent told anyone in RL yet (including a friend of mine who had IVF last year) but for some reason I'm just not able to...I don't want the sympathy.

StrawberriesTasteLikeLipsDo Fri 23-Nov-12 15:40:27

I am 34 weeks with DS2. It took me 16 months of concerted trying (plus a probably 10 months of "being indiscrete") to get DS1. Took 26 months to fall pregnant this time.
My GPs were utter twunts and only NOW recognise the medical issue which made conception so hard stable door and horse anyone?!
In that time I confided in friends, one was an utter bitch, got pregnant herself and actually said "you must be so sad" i corrected her sharply! Some people are insensitive twats.

I agree infertility is kept almost a secret, and I personally snapped in tht sense. People would ask "when are you having kids/ another" and I got so fed up id actually say well because of XYZ its not that easy! My specially reserved line for everyday bad days was "We dont all shit them out like eggs" - that shows you how dark I got.

I think it needs to be spoken about and people need to accept how sensitive it makes people! You dont begrudge happiness to people, you dont want their baby, you dont think there are only a finite amount to go around, you just want your baby. Nothing more natural than that and no reason for anyone to be ashamed or secretive unless they so choose.

ArielThePiraticalMermaid Fri 23-Nov-12 15:33:15

I think it's that one in seven face some difficulty conceiving, yes.

People who are resolutely barren like us, are special <gallows humour>

mrsden Fri 23-Nov-12 15:30:41

A quick google tells me that the 1 in 7 is after 1 year, then more than half of those will conceive within the second year without help. So those of us past two years of trying are in a tiny minority.

mrsden Fri 23-Nov-12 15:27:05

What does the 1 in 7 mean though? We've been trying for over 2 and a half years, I think the numbers trying for this length of time and longer must be less than 1 in 7. All of my friends are pregnant or have children already, I feel very much alone.

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