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Struggling to conceive, feel it's my fault.

(15 Posts)
Onlyhappywhenitsnows Wed 21-Nov-12 20:04:58

With ds (now 3.6) we were fortunate to get pregnant on our second month of TTC. I was very sick when pregnant, it was a high risk pregnancy anyway and the ended in am emergency c section and a prem baby.
I had pnd and really regretted having ds for at least the first 12 months. There was just no connection. I know it sounds awful and I tried not to show how terrible it was and believe I succeeded as even my own mother believes I was thrilled and happy. I tried not to show it to ds either as it wasn't his fault.

Anyway now we are nearly a year into trying to conceive a second child and it's not happening. I feel like it's karma for being so ungrateful about ds when he was a baby. I love him completely and utterly now of course. I'm also worried that maybe it's because Im a few years older (30) and dh is 38. Or maybe it was the c section as I had an infection afterwards. I don't know, I just feel li,e we are never going to have a other baby and maybe fate is telling me it's because I was such a crap mum when ds was born. I couldn't even feed him end ended up expressing for six months instead.

I know Im ovulating because I've charted, used kits and have symptoms. I have a regular 26 day cycle. So why aren't we getting pregnant and when should I see a doctor or just give up? :-(

Onlyhappywhenitsnows Wed 21-Nov-12 20:14:15

And I have seven friends all due within four weeks of each other next year. SEVEN. That seems excessive. Basically anytime anyone contacts me they say they are pregnant. And I'm happy for them and everything, and I know I'm lucky to have my ds. But I still feel so sad.

FrankelDeBeauvoir Wed 21-Nov-12 21:02:24

If you've been actively trying for a year then the time to go and see the Dr is now. I don't know what the protocols are when you already have a child, so can't help on that front.

However, I will say don't beat yourself up and assume it is somehow your fault. I sort of know where you are coming from in that DH and I have been TTC for 2.5 years without success. I have PCOS and do sometimes feel that I must have done something wrong to not have conceived so far.

MissWinklyParadiso Wed 21-Nov-12 21:08:22

Oh love

If nothing else, I know from having seen crack-addicted mothers, and mothers who hold drugs for one boyfriend and guns for another, that deserving and being good or crap plays NO part in fertility whatsoever.

As frankel says, after a year you can ask the GP for help. Good luck, it is very demoralising but I am sure you are a great mum for the son you have - pnd is an illness and you mustn't hold what happened against yourself.

RubyrooUK Wed 21-Nov-12 21:20:30

Right, what happened with your DS was you being ill. Not your fault at all. He has no idea you felt bad for that time and you adore him, so stop beating yourself up.

And give yourself credit. You expressed for six months - that is amazing. I breastfed and found expressing an incredible chore. Much harder work. To do it day in and day out so your son could have your own milk is pretty incredible in my eyes.

I'd go to the doctor after a year. Don't lose heart as 30 is very young. I had to see fertility doctors at 30 and they all kept referring to how young I was and how good my chances were. And fertility can be complex; DS1 took three years to conceive with treatment, DS2 took about two minutes on a cold don't feel too down yet.

This is not your fault. It is just the weirdness of life. Sorry you are having a tough time but of all the possible explanations, you being punished for PND with your son is definitely not the right one.

Onlyhappywhenitsnows Wed 21-Nov-12 21:50:33

Thank you.
I think I will make an appointment for January. Dh is away a fair bit so probably two or three months we've missed the slot so i guess it's been about nine months where we've actually been able to try.
Don't think dh will be keen on tests, he thinks the problem is with me. Which it could well be but will they want to see him too?

FrankelDeBeauvoir Wed 21-Nov-12 21:53:41

They will want to check both of you out. It will be far more invasive for you than for him - blood tests, internals, etc for you and, to be crude, just jizz in a pot for him.

If he really wants another baby than jizz in a pot is a very minor thing to have to do.

Onlyhappywhenitsnows Wed 21-Nov-12 22:00:15

Suppose they may not do anything as we already have one child, do they bother if you already have one child? Or is it hit and miss depending on where you are? We could probably go privately if we had to. At least initially.

LadyWidmerpool Wed 21-Nov-12 22:01:59

Just to say I think expressing for 6 months is amazing too, especially with PND.

FrankelDeBeauvoir Wed 21-Nov-12 22:02:27

I think it depends on where you live. Certainly I would have thought they would carry out investigations into what is happening, but they may not offer you treatment if you already have a child.

RubyrooUK Wed 21-Nov-12 22:18:35

In my experience, doctors will refer you for explorations if you already have a child. What they won't do is give you IVF.

My doctor referred me to the local fertility unit at the hospital when I was exploring having DC2 as I had faced so many problems with conceiving DC1.

They were very kind and explained they would do blood testing to check hormone levels. They would offer treatments like Clomid. But if we wanted to pursue IVF, we would have to go private.

But I have to say that many times, blood tests and other assisted conception methods are all that is required. By everyone needs IVF.

So I'd ask your doctor for a referral to your local fertility unit and save your private treatment money for if you do need IVF further down the line.

RubyrooUK Wed 21-Nov-12 22:19:21

Not everyone needs IVF, that should read. Sorry!

HavingALittleFaithBaby Thu 22-Nov-12 06:46:19

He thinks the problem is with me. Has he said that?! Or us that just what you think?

The above is right - they'll certainly look at you both to see if there's any obvious causes. Could be blockages caused by scarring at birth. Equally though it could be his swimmers! It's worth getting to the GP when you feel you've had a shot at 12 cycles. It's certainly not about 'deserving'a baby. Hang around conception for more than an hour and you'll realise that! smile

You still sound pretty down to me - are you being actively treated at the moment? It sounds like you're being quite hard on yourself. I wonder if you need a bit more support - I know how hard TTC/fertility problems are believe me! - and on top of coming out from the other side of PND, it sounds like you're still pretty stressed. Are you having counselling?

Onlyhappywhenitsnows Thu 22-Nov-12 08:10:06

Well he says things like 'we'll have to go and get you checked out' from which I infer he thinks the issue is mine. I suppose with having the c section and then an infection I tend to agree. Although they said at the time it shouldn't make any difference to conceiving again I don't really believe them!
I was considering acupuncture which I know some people don't believe in but I had it when we conceived ds and I wonder if it would help simply because I believe in it!
I didn't feel anxious when we tried to have ds but I do this time round. I think with everything that happened last time it's made me feel worried, along with the fact that we are struggling and dh keeps saying if it doesn't happen soon then that's it because he doesn't want to be much older. It isn't relaxing!

mummycooper Tue 27-Nov-12 23:26:49

honey this may interest you, go on look up about myra massage its under the womens health part then find a practioner who does it in your area, iv a friend who was trying for ages and no luck and as soon as she went and got this treatment she got pregnant strait away and knows of other mummys and clients of this treatment that got pregnant thru this, i aint having this treatment myself but im telling people who are having problems conceiving all about it, its def worth a look into and a try xxx

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