The worst thing to say to someone TTC(167 Posts)
I've just been reading another thread about how long it has taken people to conceive, and there were some comments made (but not in a nasty way) that make me feel so very uncomfortable!!
I'm 8+6 with my first but it took 12 very long months to get my BFP, and in those last 12 months I've realised some things should never ever be said to a person TTC!
"These things take time"
"It only took us a month, my husband thinks he has super sperm"
My favourite is 'oh I know just how you feel, it took us three months first time and four months the second, I was just beside myself'. Fuck.off.
Some of these are absolutely awful . I count myself quite lucky in that my family and DH's are generally quite tactful
despite breeding like fucking rabbits.
What I find saddest are the times when MrS is holding a baby or playing with a toddler and we get the knowing nods and winks and the "he'd make a great dad" comments. I feel like such a failure.
My much younger sister, when telling me about her 'accidental' pregnancy, listed all our pregnant cousins and said "it'll be you next"
I started crying hysterically and hung up on her, and yes she knew we had been trying for a long time.
Thankfully, there's only 5 weeks between our babies, I was bloody pregnant at the time and didn't know - took us 3 long years, no official problems and no treatment - do not understand how fertility works at all!
Ariel I know what you mean, I am my own worst critic and I hear that voice in my head saying "he'd make a great dad" when I see DH with his nieces. Breaks my heart at the moment.
Best thing is when people just say that it is just totally shit and they are there for us.
"Life's not all roses with a baby, you know." grrr
My favourite from DH's cousin "Are you sure you're doing it right?" I should have said "Well why don't you demonstrate with your DH now and I'll tell you if we're doing the same". I do actually quite like her, and I know she meant it as a joke, but still.
The most annoying thing that loads of people said to me was "now you're adopting you're bound to get pregnant too". Even now it irritates me, and I don't know why it's so much more annoying than any of the other sayings or why so many people said it. Everybody seemed to know a couple who had adopted and then almost instantly had a birth child.
When DS went to school there was a little boy in his class with a younger sister. I got to know the mum quite well and it turned out that they had adopted their DS and she was already a few weeks pregnant that the court hearing (although she didn't know). So I asked her if she was the one the everyone kept telling me about, she nearly wet herself laughing because so many people had said the same thing to her when they were waiting to adopt.
This thread makes me sad :-(
I have really wanted a baby for last decade. But my love life has not worked out. I am 35.
I get the career woman thing all the time. And 'are you not broody yet?'
I am saving for fertility treatment but will not be telling a soul once I start treatment - bar my parents.
Have you tried doing it in the middle of your cycle? Apparently that's when you're most fertile...
Really? No, I've been trying unsuccessfully for 3 years but never once got tempted to so much as google "how to get pregnant"!
We had every horrible comment in the book. We have been on the other side of terrible comments. At a wedding a few years back my DH and I were there with our then (precious won!) 2 year old and new baby. At our table was a couple in their 40s who everyone kind of knew had been trying for years to have a family...
My FIL to the woman "so do you want to borrow my son to get you pregnant - he's obviously not firing blanks, eh eh?" Just say the word and we can sort something out!"
This poor couple were mortified, as were my DH and I as we knew the terrible pain of infertility. I remember little else of the wedding.
Both our parents were awful during our infertility - they don't have an empathetic cell in their bodies combined.
stookie I used to pretend I wasn't interested in children at all. What are you supposed to do aged 33 years old and single? Say "oh yeh, I can't wait to have kids - I follow men around with a cattle prod trying to steal sperm and then I run home with a yoghurt pot full of muck". Because "wanting a baby" in your 20s is sweet, in your 30s you're just 3 cats away from Miss Havisham!
'Just relax and it will happen'
'Do you want mine?'
'You need to be in a good place to bring a baby into this world' - said by a counsellor after I'd been crying about my laparoscopy. I shit you not.
'You need to think positively and then you'll have a baby.' Another counsellor who'd been on fuckwit training.
'Have you thought about adoption?'
'Ah well, there's a reason for everything.' / 'You obviously weren't meant to have kids.'
Two in my case DTRH
No, it's really hard. But I am not ready to give up yet!
You're too stressed
Oh there's a reason for everything is there? Some pissed up nob knocking up every girl in sight, and my dh not one baby? Little kids getting cancer? Earthquakes and famines?
Some sayings are so mindbogglingly fucking stupid and so are the people who say them. Another favourite are those - usual silly immature young women - who maintain that they believe so strongly that if you want something badly enough it will happen. Oh do piss off!
My mum went through a phase of telling me about every celeb with endometriosis who had thought they were infertile who miraculously managed to have kids. She sent me newspaper cutting about how endo need not mean infertility. I think she meant it in a jolly, look its happened to them it could happen to you kind of way, but still...
And having bought a semi in a suburban area I get constant 'oh you know what you need now, don't you?' So, I got a new dog :P
The inevitable 'it'll be you next' or 'he'll make a good dad' comments. Fair enough, most people have no clue but I am almost 40 and been with my partner 20 years so you know, its not as if we never thought about it...
yy WeatherWitch re "Don't leave it too late"
I've been trying for 9 years now - since I (finally!) met DH. I was 31 when we got married and we started ttc straight away. No joy yet and just started first IVF cycle...
Sending un-MN (((((hugs))))) to everyone one this thread. Life and the people in it can be cruel sometimes!
<paints pink icing on cupcakes reading "everyfing happens for a reesun lol">
"Now you have had one baby (an IVF miracle. might I add.) you will easily get pregnant again..." err,no, I don't think so
"some people are just not meant to have children..."
"what will be will be"
"stop trying and it will happen".........
cupcake I'm on page three of this thread and I'm still chuckling at what you said
The most recent thing said that had me fleeing for the bathroom to hide my tears was from a new admin in the department - "so have you not thought about having children then?" - no love, only every second of every day of the last TWELVE F*CKING YEARS. Wrong time, wrong place, wrong words.
The best thing I've seen was in the waiting room at my IVF clinic, a poster from a support agency (I think) - "the only thing more painful than having a baby is not having a baby". Until you really, truly, bone-deep eat sleep and breathe that pain, you cannot understand. However, a handhold is always welcome.
Oh I forgot the comments like 'until you have children you can't really understand' about things like Children in Need or some terrible tragedy.
That's right. I lack the necessary empathy and compassion to truly understand because of my absence of kids.....
You can't truly know about Love either apparently.
So many of the usual cliches were rolled at us - mostly the bizarre concept that if we'd only get our shit together and book a three week all-inclusive to Barbados we'd be pregnant. Because, YES, the only thing that guarantees pregnancy is 'relaxing on holiday. Fucking hell! So there I am wasting hours and months poring over fertility books and peeing on ovulation sticks when it turns out lying on a sunlounger gives you miraculous powers of fertility. As does 'giving up' or 'accepting some people are not meant to be parents' apparently. FUCK OFF!
The worse and most acutely painful was a friend calling me to announce her pregnancy, first month of trying of course, and then when I tentatively mentioned that we were thinking of trying (we'd already been secretly trying and failing for a year) lectured me about not being a "control freak" about it. I made her apologise about it after my twins were born. Oh and the usual smug "I only have to glance at her" shite from friend's husbands when they announced her pregnancy.
I'm lucky as IVF worked for me and I have my magic twins but I can still remember the pain and RAGE. All I know is that it's a pain that goes all the way through you and paints you grey inside. Right in the marrow of you. All the way through.
Kits - that is exactly how I feel. To the marrow. Thank you for posting. I'm so glad you got your magic twins.
Join the discussion
Please login first.