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The worst thing to say to someone TTC

(167 Posts)
SecretSparkle Fri 16-Nov-12 09:27:12

I've just been reading another thread about how long it has taken people to conceive, and there were some comments made (but not in a nasty way) that make me feel so very uncomfortable!!

I'm 8+6 with my first but it took 12 very long months to get my BFP, and in those last 12 months I've realised some things should never ever be said to a person TTC!


"It'll happen"

"These things take time"

"It only took us a month, my husband thinks he has super sperm"

Anything else?

WeatherWitch Fri 16-Nov-12 09:38:22

"I'm pregnant"
"When are you going to have children?"
"Don't leave it too late"
"Well, it does get harder as you get older"
"I've never regretted having mine young"
"Career women like you who put it off often regret it"

I think the last one is my favourite - silly me, for delaying TTC until I had a man I wanted to have DCs with rather than just wandering down Union Street with no knickers on shouting "Come on, I'm getting old, impregnate me now while my ovaries are still working." It's got nothing to do with my bloody career! And I'm 35, not 55 FFS.

Can you tell that this is starting to get to me after 18 months TTC and one MC?

bonzo77 Fri 16-Nov-12 09:39:09

"When are you going to have a baby?"

loveulotslikejellytots Fri 16-Nov-12 09:44:53

"You'll never have a baby if you wait until you can afford it". I appreciate that babies are expensive and yes you have to make sacrifices etc but we want to wait until DH has got the job he wants, which would allow us to have more disposable income, both of us could work more flexibly and be a lot happier than if we had a baby now and had to struggle through! We're 22 and 27, waiting another 18 months isn't that long!

SecretSparkle Fri 16-Nov-12 10:22:25

Weather I had similar from my MIL, the pressure from her had been pretty constant, before we got married it was about babies, then after the wedding it was even more about babies.

I did feel like saying
"Im sorry we've waited until we both have decent jobs, and a nice littel house, and we're married, I really should've jumped your sons bones as soon as I met him"

in all fairness it hasn't really got much better, when we told her, she was very happy and emotional but then came out with
"oh thank god for that, I thought it would never happen, or when it did I'd be too old to do anything"

gee thanks!!!

blondebaby111 Fri 16-Nov-12 10:23:01

I'm pregnant
Stop trying it will happen
Relax and just go on holiday
wow that long,my husband only just has to look at me and i'm pregnant
Perhaps u are trying too hard
Omg i'm pregnant again, it happened so quick,
if its maent to be it be happen, if its not it won't

Trust me after 5 years i could write a book!!!!!

CupcakesAndCocktails Fri 16-Nov-12 10:27:35

My personal favourite is "my husband only has to look at me and I'm pregnant" grin

Someone at work said that they other day, before I could stop myself I said "do you think he would mind looking at me?" My DH couldn't stop laughing when I told him.

Hi Sparks

CupcakesAndCocktails Fri 16-Nov-12 10:29:11

Cross post Blonde

I really hate the your trying too hard comment.

PoppadomPreach Fri 16-Nov-12 10:29:13

I once hear a DJ say "My wife and I only ha to think about having a baby and she got pregnant" on a show discussing infertility and IVF.

but generally being told to relax, i think, is the worst. just fuck off you ignorant, stupid, insensitive twat.

EuroShagmore Fri 16-Nov-12 10:29:29

"My husband only has to look at me and I'm pregnant."
"Relax and it'll happen"
"My brother's uncle's godchild's sister was trying for ages and then decided to stop, went on holiday and came back pregnant!"

DownTheRabidHole Fri 16-Nov-12 10:36:56

"haha mine were accidents"

Yeh, because having unprotected sex is an "accident". You don't ACCIDENTALLY get pregnant unless you're an idiot.

DownTheRabidHole Fri 16-Nov-12 10:38:35

"We weren't even properly trying"

What? You mean he spunked in a plastic bag in the shed or did he ejaculate in your vagina? The latter is correlated with pregnancy.

MissWinklyParadiso Fri 16-Nov-12 10:39:40

Endless variations of "have you tried...?" from people who got pregnant glancing at a sperm.

Charlotte321 Fri 16-Nov-12 10:46:27

cupcakes love what you said to your colleague, really made me laugh!

Someone I know who is exactly my age (31) with three kids was asked if she was pregnant because she wasn't drinking, and said "oh no I'm too old to be having babies now!". Great thanks for that as I struggle on ttc #1!

Yep the 'try and relax' thing is annoying. And telling me not to google or go on to mumsnet, as if it's that causing all my stress!

teaandcakesolveseverything Fri 16-Nov-12 10:49:39

Yup, "I'm pregnant" is a right killer! And I have to be so happy when I hear it! Even if I am really happy for them, I'm devastated for me. Selfish aren't I?!
And some variety of "you better hurry up and get on with it" or other references to age - but I never know what to say because we are trying, just not having a great deal of luck, and have been a lot longer than most now. I just don't want to discuss it with everyone else, because quite frankly it is none of their business.
Thankfully both sets of parents are rather more sensitive and never mention it, as they both know and understand it is a bit more complicated than that for us than most people. For reasons that are unrelated to TTC.

teaandcakesolveseverything Fri 16-Nov-12 10:50:06

Right bitter cow aren't I?!

FreakySnuckerCupidStunt Fri 16-Nov-12 10:50:25

You don't ACCIDENTALLY get pregnant unless you're an idiot.

Wow, so all those people whose contraceptives fail are idiots. That's nice to know.

MaryZezItsOnlyJustNovember Fri 16-Nov-12 10:53:10

The one I hated was

"Whose fault is it?"

People seem to think you will give them chapter and verse of exactly why you aren't pregnant.

And the other one that really upset me was saying "oh, well, at least you didn't get pregnant and have a miscarriage like X" - X being a friend who did have a miscarriage (and I sympathised with her) but also had three children and subsequently had two more. While I was still trying for my first.

willyoulistentome Fri 16-Nov-12 11:00:00

I am ashamed to say when my DS1 was about 3 weeks old and I was feeling like I'd been in a train crash, I told a friend of mine who was having problems TTC to 'be careful what she wished for'.

CupcakesAndCocktails Fri 16-Nov-12 11:01:01

Thanks Charlotte it's without doubt the funniest thing I've said in years so I've been dying to share it smile
Please tell me 31 isn't too old, I'm 31 in 3 weeks & have been ttc for 2 years blush

Mary I hate it when people try to make you feel better by comparing your pain. Most people do it as they don't know what to say.

gnushoes Fri 16-Nov-12 11:06:24

So what is a good thing to say?

MissMedusa Fri 16-Nov-12 11:10:35

Any kind of "advice" from someone who got pregnant easily is a no go. If you got pregnant easily then TTC is whole different game for you than it is for me. You don't know better just because you conceived, you may know better for you and for others in your exact situation but you know nothing about mine.

MissMedusa Fri 16-Nov-12 11:11:41

gnushoes I think for any such situation, there isn't really anything you can say other than offering the person support if they need it.

SecretSparkle Fri 16-Nov-12 11:26:02

Hi Cup grin

I too hate the "he only has to look at me" er, pretty sure thats not how you get pregnant!!! but love your response!!!

Freaky you may be missing the point of the thread slightly, a place for people who are TTC or have TTC for a long time to have a bit of a bitter rant about things that people say that irk them. Sometimes when you are TTC and someone says something like "I've got three children, and I was on the pill each time I got pregnant" then yes it does make you want to scream!!!

Gnu I told a couple of people that we were TTC but it was a general rule that they only talked about it when I bought it up, and normally it was just so that I could have a bit of rant.

Willyou I think thats probably an easy mistake to make, but I bet you wouldnt make the same mistake again!!

MissWinklyParadiso Fri 16-Nov-12 11:30:31

gnushoes the best thing anyone has done was a good friend who, after the arrival of the seemingly millionth baby to mutual friends, dropped me a little text saying "how are you? All these babies can't be easy for you". Supportive, kind, not judgy or patronising in the slightest.

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