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Trying to stay positive waiting for BFP

(28 Posts)
cosmickitten Mon 22-Oct-12 11:47:59

Other than to my DP, I don't feel like I can mention this to anyone in RL. I had my mirena coil removed in March this year and have been ttc ever since. My cycle quickly returned to normal and I started baby day-dreaming. Now I've passed the 6 month mark of ttc, niggling worries have begun.

Rationally I know that 6 months isn't too long in the scheme of things. MY GP gave me lots of warnings that I COULD get pregnant straight after the removal of my coil. However, I now know that is it more likely that my body will take a few cycles to settle. This is even more likely as I've had a coil continuously for 12 years (new coil on the same day as removal, every 5 years, until the last one). This means in reality out of the 6 months ttc, only 3 may count. So why do I feel so scared???

I guess my age is a factor I'm 32 ½ and if we are unlucky enough to need help, in our area the cut off for NHS IVF is 34..........that is scarily close. We are lucky enough to have some savings but nothing near the cost of private IVF. It feels like a very flimsy safety net, if nature doesn't work on its own.

My life seems to be filled with pregnancy and babies at the moment which isn't helping. I'm grateful that as yet the emotional rollercoaster of ttc has not yet turned me into a green-eyed monster (though in a few more months I can see myself going that way). However, every new baby cuddle reminds me how much I want a baby of my own. It's a desperate primal want from deep inside and it's overwhelming. I feel inadequate as I haven't succeeded in getting pregnant quickly and easily...Rationally I know this is stupid, but I feel it none the less.

My biggest mistake was answering 'when are you planning to have a baby' honestly after the millionth time we were asked. Naively I thought if things did take a longer it would help to be supported my close friends and family (telling my mother was like taking an ad out in the paper, so easy to be wise after the event). It turns out being told 'it's cos you want it too much', 'just relax', 'eat x' don't eat y' and lots of other "helpful" advice makes me feel worse.

I do realise that 6 months is no time at all and that many people go through millions times more heart ache ttc, than I am. I know than my first ever mumsnet post is a massive pity party. I just need to get some of the panic and desperation inside me, out. Any tips on how not to dwell on this gratefully received.

TTCmay Mon 22-Oct-12 13:49:42

Hi hon, it is all consuming this baby lark. It is such a Massive thing, it is difficult for it to be anything but constantly on your mind. It seems like everyone else is getting pregnant/preparing for their impending baby.

As for tips on how not to dwell, not sure I can offer many suggestions other than the fact that most women will have felt like you do at some point (whether it's not getting pregnant immediately, miscarrying etc). Getting pregnant and pregnancy can be hard !!

No idea re coils/cycles as never had coil- sure someone on here will know.

Sorry not much help. Hopefully others can offer tips (for us all!).

moggle Mon 22-Oct-12 15:48:05

I don't know a 100% guaranteed trick, which is a shame as I'm feeling the same! 11cycles of trying here, 31.5 yrs old.
For me, it's just trying not to think about it. Impossible to do unless you can think about something else. Throwing yourself into work, starting a new time consuming hobby, etc might be good ways to do this... Other worries coming to the fore such as money worries or other problems are bad ways to do it but may have the desired effect however unintended!

For me, starting up running and Pilates has helped, also I have a hobby which is starting to turn a nice little profit and that keeps me very busy outside work. I am bored in my job unfortunately and that is the time my mind wanders and I start to feel down.

Oh another tip is... Don't get too drawn into mumsnet if you know you have a slightly obbsessive personality... Taking a break from MN and any other similar sites gave me a bigger boost than either of the suggestions above!

redstrawberry Mon 22-Oct-12 16:39:52

hi cosmic I am on my 6th cycle and feel like I am going to be having a 7th cycle of ttc. I am also tired and frustrated by the whole process.

I now dont come on MN too often - only now and then to see what I have missed. But otherwise it really helps to stay off it. Also started doing something that I love - Work and DIY. I barely have time to breathe. And then took a third on to plan Events. So basically I fill up my day with work so I dont have time to think about it. I am so shattered I hit the bed straight away, without checking my app a millionth time to see what cycle day i am on.

Also if you do cross the 10 month mark ( I hope you get your bfp sooner!) do get the tests done, and lie if you have to and tell them you have been trying for over a year so if you have any problems they are detected earlier, and you can get fertility advice sooner. I really hope you dont have to take this option and you get your BFP soon xxx

winkle2 Mon 22-Oct-12 22:50:08

Just wanted to add message of support. It's been 15 months for us - and it's agonising every month ESP as everyone's expecting it from us as we got married last year.

I'm 33, 34 soon.

cosmickitten Tue 23-Oct-12 08:39:05

Thank you all, so really good advice. But also lovely to have somewhere to turn to for support/ a moan (though not too often!)

I think its the age thing that gets me most. People ask why I didn't have kids sooner. Well I meant DH at 28, got engaged at 30, married at 31 and started trying for a baby at 32........not superquick but we hardly hung about.

Right time to get busy!

winkle2 Tue 23-Oct-12 08:43:36

I'm the same cosmic. Even though me and oh have been together 10 years we only bright our house and got married over the past 3 years. We wanted to get into a good position before we had children. Just wish it wasn't taking so long!

winkle2 Tue 23-Oct-12 08:43:52

Brought not bright smile

moggle Tue 23-Oct-12 10:40:06

winkle2 - we're the same... together since 2001, married 2009, started TTC last winter. It's so stupid but it really gets to me when friends who've only been together a few years are having babies. I know it's completely irrational and unfair but I think, surely it's our turn now?

I had to do a test this morning as going away this afternoon and AF due on thursday so I needed to know whether to pack tampons (hand luggage space is at a premium!). Obviously it was bfn so has put a dampener on the start of the holiday and feeling a bit down now :-( ah well, not exactly unexpected. That's cycle 11 over now so I will be calling the doctor when we get home from hols. (Oh and please no-one say "you're not out until AF shows!" that drives me nuts!)

The one positive I have is that I have been able to talk to my Mum about this. It took my parents 6 years to get pregnant with me, and then they never used protection and only had my brother 2 years later, then no more children. So i don't think i come from superfertile stock :-( but it is nice to know that she knows how we feel and we aren't getting any nagging off them, although they are utterly desperate for grandchildren. My fear at the moment - again totally irrational - is that my 29 yr old brother is going to be a parent before me - his (completely lovely, wonderful, funny) girlfriend is quite a lot older than him so they need to get cracking if they want kids. I don't know what I'll feel if they announce they're expecting. (he knows we're trying though so I'm sure he'll be kind). Also I have one other friend who I am really close to but hardly ever see; she's going through the same thing and when we do see each other we have a massive old moan about the unfairness of life :-) If you do find one person you can unload to about it, it feels like such a weight off for a little while :-)

tiddleypompom Tue 23-Oct-12 11:06:05

Hey cosmic - sorry to hear you're feeling down about ttc, though it does help to hear you're not alone I'm sure.

I'm on 'the other side' now - 34 and mother to a 12 month DS, 22 wks preg with number 2. Your story was very similar to mine at 32 - merina coil removed after wedding, very open about desire to have children (thus the pain of having to appear upbeat and positive when asked 'no baby yet?'). I used ov sticks in an attempt to get the timing right and read a lot of related literature.

In the end it took us 8 months to conceive DS. I believe that at least 4 failed months were a result of strictly following ov sticks rather than understanding y own body and recognising signs of ovulation. I read Emma Cannon's 'Baby Making Bible' and it was the right angle for me - looking at each month being preparation of your body plus a bit of eastern philosophy. I cut down booze, as did DH (though still enjoyed Christmas and NYE when we conceived) and generally concentrated on my own health and well-being. It helped as I slept better and was fit and well for my eventual pregnancy.

Try (I know it's hard) to keep a positive attitude, and expect to get pregnant - stats are with, not against you. Put aside the next stage (fertility tests etc) and give yourself a date in a few months (perhaps to coincide with 12 months?) when you will see your GP and get the ball rolling. This should help you to relax a bit (sorry) and I bet you'll be pregnant before the year is up.

Personally (long cycle of around 32 days) I found DTD/SWI from day 11 to day 18 worked - with BEFORE ov being the key. Baby 2 was conceived on day 11 (I know this as it was the first time since my periods had returned after b/feeding).

Hope it happens soon, chin up - and sorry for the essay!

winkle2 Tue 23-Oct-12 11:09:19

I do talk to a few people about it in real life (ie, saying I want a baby) but no-one is going through the same as me so they don't understand.

I have one friend who talk through all the ins and outs with but she can't truly understand as she isn't in my position.

good luck at the doctors and have a nice holiday.

Oh and the one that gets me is 'at least you can drink wine now' after you get a BFN. I don't want to drink stupid wine. I want a baby.

I'd like to echo moggles comments - about getting too drawn into mumsnet and TTC overtaking your life. Harder said than done - I realised I had to completely avoid the pregnancy/conception boards, but still found comfort from catching up on other news on more general boards. I think I found myself becoming too obsessed with cycles, what day of the month it was and whether I was in the 2 week wait. I stepped back from that - and just tried to have a busy life with plenty of sex - not just at what is percieved to be the optimum time.

Having other interests, particularly something new helped me to fill my time so I wasn't always just mooching around on mumsnet - I took up crochet (very middle aged I know but I found it both challenging and relaxing at the same time), but avoid looking at any baby patterns! I've seen lots of others mention how its good also to take up exercise as it has so many positive health benefits...

Also making sure you don't put your life and plans on hold - still arranging a snowboarding holiday which would have to be cancelled was one example - you need these things to help feel life is still normal. If you get pregnant there is always a way to resolve these things (I was going to go and spend time in the cafes drinking hot chocolate instead!)

And I'm of the view of not getting addicted to taking pregnancy tests. In fact the agreement with boyfriend was I would never take a test until I was one week late. The odd glass of wine (I'm not a big drinker anyway) or rare steak isn't going to make a huge difference at the 1-3 week stage while the embryo is relying on the yolk sac. That way I'm not getting a disappointment on a regular basis, but when I do take a test theres a good chance the only result is going to be confirming a positive.

But I do realise how tough it is - for me I felt it at 4-5 months of TTC. We get so convinced that we have to be safe with sex that its really disappointing when it doesn't happen straightaway...

moggle Tue 23-Oct-12 11:53:02

aw winkle :-( I know that line. Hate it too.
The thing is I bet some people you know are going through the same thing, although i'm not suggesting you open up to all and sundry - but it helps me, when a friend or acquaintance gets pg, to think - well, they may have been trying for months like us. Unfortunately a LOT of our friends have been pg at their wedding or within a few months of, so can't use that reasoning on everyone!
We have booked a skiing holiday for January! My theory is that if I'm not pg by then i get a fun holiday, if I am, I will be so happy, I won't care that I can't ski much or at all. Earlier this year we kept putting holidays or other things off due to possibly being pg - this was the stupidest thing to do.
Having said that - friends with babies get all jealous that we are still having the kind of holiday schedule they had a few years ago "I wish we had the money to go..." "I wish we could go skiing with a 6m old..." and I do want to say, FFS, I would swap it all for a baby in a heartbeat. However even knowing that, it does make me feel a bit better when I see a little green eyed monster from them instead of it usually coming from me :-)

winkle2 Tue 23-Oct-12 12:23:32

tiddley - lovely words, thanks - they have made me feel better! the odds are for me not against me. i will remember that next time i'm feeling down. I allow myself day of AF arrival to be sad and then I pull myself together and get on with it. moping isn’t going to help.

I agree with not putting your life on hold. I have not dieted or exercised properly for a year because I thought I was going to get fat and pregnant anyway! bad move. Although I have got a new job now – I couldn't hold out for mat leave at a job I hated much longer. I didn't get the 'she got a new job and then a BFP' story tho, I'm afraid. (I've also 'relaxed and gone on holiday' but that hasn't worked either – bitter, me? hmm)

moggle – I agree. I would swap anything for a baby! I don't even think labour pain can be as painful as the crushing disappointment I feel every month.

tiddleypompom Tue 23-Oct-12 14:13:13

Hey winkle

Thing is, it's too easy to start wondering 'why isn't it happening', which tends to lead to 'there must be something wrong' - and I really do remember how that feels - but actually it is FAR more likely that you all will have babies (probably more than one) within a few years. Plus, it's too easy for those already a mum to look back wistfully at days before children and (thoughtlessly) say silly things like 'make the most of the opportunity to go out/sleep/have a lie in', when actually that makes you feel even more crap, 'cos none of those things come a millionth of the way to compensating for not being pregnant.

My only advice - take it or leave it - is to treat your body like you are preparing for your baby already; love your OH (it helps); keep busy and motivated by distractions (hobbies, fitness, whatever floats your boat), and (for me anyway) chuck the ov sticks (they start an obsession with peeing on sticks) and listen to your body a bit more. It'll happen. It will wink

winkle2 Tue 23-Oct-12 16:50:07

Thanks tiddley.

I have the CBFM and I really like it so I'm gonna stick with that and not take your advice there smile But will take on board the other things that you have said.

We have had tests done and a SA and OH is having another one this week to see if his morphology has improved (it was 1% last time) and then another docs appt 06/11/12 to get referred. I want to speak with a specialist rather than my GP – they are pretty useless.

redstrawberry Tue 23-Oct-12 22:39:33

I think AF is going to arrive this weekend and I thought I would post here while I prepare for her arrival and yes I don't like the "you are not out till she arrives" line either as she always come bang on time.

We have been together 12 years and DH is 32 and I am 30. We constantly moved jobs and houses and cities so kids were never on the agenda till we settled in one place an thought yeah we are ready. I was so excited to start on the journey and had it planned in my head when we could start trying. So much so that I came off the pill over a year before trying.

The first cycle disappointment was hard and thought this would be so easy. We always worried about falling pregnant accidentally but right now this very moment if give anything for it to have happened earlier. A lot of my friends are pregnant and I find it so hard to talk to them as they are all expecting their little arrivals soon. Some have been on this journey but still find it hard to be around their bumps and excitement.

My mums been a rock to me too. I found it so easy to open to her and she wants grand children too but she sort of knows the right things to say and puts me at ease for awhile. I wish I hadn't told a few individuals we are trying as they watch when I drink wine or don't angry

To be honest I never knew I'd feel this frustrated and disappointed at something so important but so out of my control. You make the decision to start a family but by the time it happens you have been thru so much emotional upset - it just hurts. And I realised this by cycle 5. Roll on cycle 7!

QuietNinjaTardis Wed 24-Oct-12 08:18:07

Hey I found myself getting so wound up that after a massive 38 day cycle I had to take a step back and chill as was getting so stresses. I'm only on cycle 5 so bit silly really. 2 of my friends are pregnant so while I'm so pleased for them I'm also jealous. Am currently waiting for af too. Cd30 but my cycles are all over the place so no idea when I'm due on so just waiting really. Took me so long to decide to conceive again after ds as had such a horrible pregnancy and labour and now we've decided to go for it I just want it to happen! No advice really just joining the pity party grin x

winkle2 Wed 24-Oct-12 11:49:34

I agree red sad

teaandcakesolveseverything Thu 25-Oct-12 10:42:44

Totally agree with everything here, dh doesn't get it why I cried when my period came this month. Is about time to go to the doctors but now feeling like I just need a bit of a break and to carry on shagging for the rest of the year and calm down a bit, and go in the new year (presuming it will still be necessary!) And we are planning on going to Glastonbury at the end of June, def not something to do when pregnant! It does make me sad that when I cannot even imagine myself pregnant, or even ever seeing a second line instead of that blank space, my best friend is pregnant, I am surrounded by pregnant women at work who had accidents and who if they were trying go on and on about how they fell the first month, why does noone tell you how long they took if it wasn't the first month, yet when it was first time they can't keep their traps shut about it?! Bitter, me?!

cosmickitten Thu 25-Oct-12 11:04:37

teaandcakes - I feel your pain re the whole world getting pregnant quickly or by accident. In my more rational moments I know that this brings a whole different raft of challenges..........but I so wish I was pregnant too!
Re the holiday thing, I've just returned from what I secretly hoped was our last ‘adult’ holiday for a while. It was truly a fantastic holiday of a lifetime and I loved every minute of it. I never imagined when booking the trip in March, I wouldn’t be pregnant. I feel rather stupid for being so naive; it is not a pleasant learning curve. Hence feeling so down right now.

winkle2 Sat 27-Oct-12 21:38:58

Cosmic - people say don't put your life on hold and book holidays, etc, but when those holidays come and go it just reminds me that I'm not pregnant.

RaspberrysAndIcecream Mon 29-Oct-12 08:57:21

Wow - thanku for starting this thread, I could pick out bits from every post & it's how I feel. Since august I've had 9 pregnancy announcements, 3 of whom are from very close friends. I've struggled with that tbh. I feel guilty for being jealous of them, I feel sad that it's not me blush and I'm actually really pleased for them as well.
I made my dh read this yesterday, and I think it helped him understand how I'm feeling.

And I know that it's hormones but if one more person says "it'll happen" or "at least you can have a drink now" I may scream!! I don't want a drink & I don't want to wait for it to happen - I want it to happen now!!! (stamps foot like a toddler blush )

I had a good laugh with a friend the other day, we decided we were going to sue the sex ed teacher from school. She told us that if we did it once without a condom we'd be pregnant - well I've done it' loads without a condom & I'm still not pregnant - SHE LIED!! grin (of course I'm joking, but it felt good to have a little rant!!)

moggle Mon 29-Oct-12 09:23:28

Haha raspberrys, me and DH were laughing at all the times I would panic due to forgetting to take my pill, or turning back an hour into driving to a weekend away because I'd forgotten the pack... so funny.
I ended up having double disappointment this month- after getting the BFN on Tuesday, AF was then 3 days later than normal so I must admit my hopes were a tiny bit raised only to be dashed again last night. That 'll teach me to have hope... Worst thing is this has probably pushed next month's ov time to just after DH goes on a 2 week trip abroad for work so probably next month out too.
Now on (delayed) train to work on grim grey Monday morning to job I hate and to top it all in AF agony as well. Fucking fuck.

winkle2 Mon 29-Oct-12 09:23:53

Raspberry - agree with everything you say!!

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