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ttc without letting him know

(21 Posts)
mozzarellamummy Fri 12-Oct-12 11:46:39

I don't weather this is the right place where to ask for advice. I recently underwent medical termination at 23 weeks, It was terrible because I would have rather kept the baby even if disabled, but my hubby told me he would leave, we argued for 2 weeks and finally I had the termination .. We already have a one year wonderful DD with us. Hubby before termination ensured me we could try to have another one, now he's changed his mind because he's too afraid and he says I'm too sad.. Even if I will never forget what happened,I think my only hope to go on is to try to have another baby.. I tried to explain to him I'm so desperate just because he doesn't want another child,I'm 40 and we don't have much time.. I was suggested to TTC without letting him know.. I know it's risky but I think his behaviour is too unfair.. and I don't know how to make him change his mind.. any suggestion?

ScarahScreams Fri 12-Oct-12 11:49:04

Oh God horrendous idea. Really. sad
Sorry you are going through such an awful time. Whoever suggested this is way out of line.

I'm sorry you've been through all this. But no, at the moment I think it would be a bad idea to have a baby with this man, even if he agreed.

DolomitesDonkey Fri 12-Oct-12 11:50:35

He will leave you if you get pregnant again.

Are you able to cope with 2 under 2 on your own?

CajaDeLaMemoria Fri 12-Oct-12 11:53:12

Don't do this.

You are grieving, so it seems like an okay option at the moment, but it's not. He'll know what you've done, and he might not accept the baby. Even if he does, he might never forgive you for betraying him. That's a pretty big betrayal.

You don't need to necessarily give up your dream of another child, but you need to talk to him and find out his concerns, and perhaps talk to your doctor about the chances of issues reoccuring - that could put his mind at rest. If he still doesn't want a child, you'll risk splitting up your whole family. Your one year old would lose their father, and your new baby wouldn't grow up in a happy family environment.

I am so sorry for what you've been through, it sounds horrific, and I'm also sorry that your husband put his foot down like that, which can't have helped. But don't do this. I've never known anyone not regret it, or to fully recover from it.

mozzarellamummy Fri 12-Oct-12 12:42:19

All you're saying is right and I know my plans are foolish.. but I'm so afraid our relationship won't go any better if he doesn't change his mind, I don't know how to change my mood if he doesn't give me any hope.. I feel so guilty for the termination and I miss my baby so much .. and I also spoke to him about adopting one and he doesn't agree neither.. doctors already told us we were just unlucky and there's no increased risk for future pregancies I don't know how to make him change his mind..

PhyllisDoris Fri 12-Oct-12 12:50:13

DON'T conceive with out agreeing beforehand with DH. That is a sure recipe for disaster.

I feel dreadfully sorry for you having had an abortion. I would be the same. But unless you want to risk your marriage, you can't take this decision into your own hands - you will both need to agree.

40 is old to have a baby, yes, but not un-naturally old these days. My cousin and best friend both had babies at 45. You have plenty of time yet.

Keep talking to DH, but don't nag. Get another expert opinion - both of you see an expert, or the GP again, together.

Would grief counselling for you help?

Dolomites - 2 under 2 isn't that bad! 18 months between my DDs, and was great - they have grown up really close.

he's risked their marriage by threatening to leave if she continued with the pregnancy IMO

cupcake78 Fri 12-Oct-12 13:41:37

My situation was very different to yours but this is what 6yrs of reflection has taught me.

My ds died at 18wks gestation. I went through the usual path of having to be induced etc, it was horrific and something I think about every day.

This experience changed me, its honestly taken me this long to begin to come to terms with it. The reason being I got pregnant with ds too fast! I didn't have the time to grieve.

I can now see I was massively depressed after this loss. I did some very stupid things in an attempt to block it out, got stupidly drunk on nights out, looked for attention in all the wrong places and it put massive pressure on my marriage. I ended up with PND etc.

This year my head popped for want of a better term. I have been on ADs since April and suffering anxiety and panic attacks. Counselling has taught me this is as a direct result of the trauma of my MCs, followed by the demands of a new born etc.

Please talk to your dh and both seek help if you can. I feel very strongly that another pregnancy is not the answer for either of you at this time. Don't trick him into it, it's not fair and will not help. Look after each other. Grieve for your baby and learn to love the time you enjoyed with your dc.

It's a long tough road and sorry to say but time is the only way. You will get through it, it will get better but take your time and do it with your dh.

DolomitesDonkey Fri 12-Oct-12 13:48:16

Phyllis I had 2 under 2 myself... but with the caveat of an extremely hands-on husband and a regular wage (my own). Not quite sure I could've done it alone and without money coming in... If OP were to go down this route I think it highly likely she'd find herself in an awful pickle. The question really is - does she want a baby more than her marriage because sadly (especially with time marching on) I think this is what it will come down to. sad

Nahla321 Fri 12-Oct-12 16:21:08

He told you he would leave you if you kept your disabled baby. I'm sorry but this alone would make me think twice about having another baby with him. If your willing to go it alone then that would be the option of having another baby. Would he not want anything to do with this baby? This would cause problems in the future as they both have the same father.

LexiLoganberry Fri 12-Oct-12 16:47:52

OP you can't just not tell your DH your trying for another baby, you need to give yourselves time to grieve for your baby. This must of been so very difficult for you and I would imagine it was very difficult for your DH to express how he felt about having a disabled child, some people can cope with it, others can not. Sorry your having a bad time at the moment.

However unpalletable a view it may be to many it's how he feels and the OP and her DH have decided to abort. I feel it quite brave for him to express his true feeling and think it is very unfair to say she shouldn't be considering having another child with him. But that's just my opinion.

cupcake Your post is very moving and I'm very sorry for what you have gone through.

CaptainHoratioWragge Fri 12-Oct-12 17:00:31

Hello, I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby.

I have had 3 PGs, all have ended in MC or stillbirth, the last one ended a month ago today.

I understand completely the desperation to have another child- I want to be pregnant again so much I'd give a limb for it, honestly.

Much, much more so then when I was TTC for the first time. I think unless you have been here it is impossible to understand how desperate that need is.

I get a lot of the old 'you need time to grieve', 'your body needs to recover' type suggestions from folk, but I also have time rushing up towards me like a brick wall, and I don't have the luxury of time.

I feel like it is risky to my mental and physical health to TTC right now, but not as risky as I believe not trying would be- because I'll have to live with these choices forever,and if I don't try, and then later on find myself unable to conceive I'm not sure I could live with that knowledge.

I suppose the point of my post is that I want you to know you are not alone and I understand exactly why you feel the desperation you do.

I don't know what to suggest about your DH, the only conclusion I have come to in all this is that the best way for me to get through is to choose the options that I feel I can live with, whatever they turn out to be.

QueenofNightmares Fri 12-Oct-12 17:14:49

OP I am very very sorry for what you have gone through but please don't sink to that level of slyness what he did to you was wrong and unfair and doing this to him will be just as wrong and unfair. You need counselling and time to heal and mourn.

mozzarellamummy Fri 12-Oct-12 19:34:59

Captain and cupcake I'm sorry to hear what happened to you..I just wish all the best you can wish for your future..
I'm grateful for what you all told me, I acknoweledge this is not the right way .. it would be too harmful to him, to our DD1, to the new baby and to the memory of DD2... but as Captain knows well ..time seems to flow away so fast.. I will give the 2 of us some more time and I know this will be hard for me.. I just hope he will understand my feelings, otherwise I'm afraid I'd rather let him go anyway.. sad

CaptainHoratioWragge Fri 12-Oct-12 20:41:08

If you ever need to chat, PM me and i can send you my personal email x

Fay30 Sat 13-Oct-12 07:48:09

Don't try for another behind his back.
Just don't, that would be a disaster.
Be happy with what you have.

Fay

notsoold Sat 13-Oct-12 09:12:44

Hi...maybe your dh is grieving as well?
We lost at 12 weeks our baby and my dh said immediately that we must try for another straight away ( in reverse to yours. But as weeks passed ( about 3 months) I can see that that was his away of grieving. I can see how my suffering caused his suffering and his own feelings were really hurt.
So could your dh be grieving? Or feeling guilty?
I totally understand the rush as I am 41. My heart goes out to you....

ouryve Sat 13-Oct-12 09:19:45

Do you really want a baby with a man who treats you like this?

mozzarellamummy Mon 15-Oct-12 12:30:46

We've gone a step forward.. now he says the problem is only he's afraid of facing the same problem again. he is willing to TTC.. If and only if I agree to terminate if the new baby would have medical issues..I'm tempted to tell him I agree just to let him TTC.. but I'm really doubtful I could dare to go through the hell of a termination again.. I'd rather keep the baby and let him go.. risks seem low because it was due by chance.. would that be still cheating him? I can't blame him, we're just too different.. but at the same time I'm afraid I will be overwhelmed by sadness if I don't try a second time to have a baby... and this would affect his life and DD1 too..

notsoold Mon 15-Oct-12 23:27:55

Tempting isn't?
To be honest I don't know what I would do....

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