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Using donor sperm - worried we've told people too much

(6 Posts)
Tenderisthenight Fri 12-Oct-12 10:32:09

I'm about to start fertility treatment using donor sperm as am in a same sex relationship. We ordered the sperm from a cryobank in the US yesterday and it felt like a big deal. All night though I've been worrying about the approach we've taken with friends etc in regard to what we've told them so far about our plans. I work in childcare so probably because of that most people have asked us at some point whether we plan to have our own family, and as we're now in our mid thirties we have been getting asked a lot. So when we finally started the process we did tell people what we were doing and answered questions (a lot of questions actually) very openly.

My concern is, and it kept me awake last night, is that I feel I have been disrespectful of any future child's feelings in the way that I've spoken about their conception. We've kind of made a joke (in public, not privately) of the whole process of choosing a donor and what characteristics we can select for. I wish that we hadn't said anything about choosing a donor because I hate the idea that people might look at our child and wonder why we chose that donor. We have decided not to talk about the donor we have chosen. I suppose this is mixed up a bit with my fears that the child won't look like 'ours' or be accepted as ours. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and have we approached this wrongly?

akuabadoll Fri 12-Oct-12 10:49:10

Firstly, you have done nothing wrong.. Making light hearted jokes and comments is no crime. I think you will find your experience and outlook will change as your child grows up, things will evolve with your own feelings, your social network and circumstances at any given time and who your child becomes. If your donor is of the same ethnicity as you and/or your partner, it's likely that it will just fade into the background as far as observers are concerned; even if this is not the case you will likely be surprised how alike children become even to non-bio parents, particularly concerning mannerisms as such. I wish you the very best of luck.

Tenderisthenight Fri 12-Oct-12 11:16:26

Thank you akuabadoll for the kind words. I feel as though I have an extra responsibility for the future happiness of a child brought into the world in this way. There's more potential for them to grow up with 'issues' if we don't handle things right and maybe we've made a mistake already.

akuabadoll Fri 12-Oct-12 11:29:43

You absolutely have not. I have a non-bio child who is now three years old. If you would like to chat more feel free to PM me.

purplehouse Fri 12-Oct-12 13:20:20

You have done nothing disrespectful to your future child's feelings. Rather like an opposite sex couple who use assisted conception in whatever form, your future child can be assured that he/she was so very much wanted that you had to make a special effort to conceive.

Anyway, I am astonished that people have seen fit to question you on this process! My DS is friends with a boy where both the parents are female and I would not dream of asking intrusive questions about his conception.

You have not made any mistakes. In any case, applying to parenting in general, we all learn as we go and so long as you are loving and kind, any "mistakes" or perceived mistakes are insignificant.

Pocket1 Mon 15-Oct-12 21:00:36

Hi Tender there is advice for donor recipients on this site
www.dcnetwork.org/
Hope you find some information that helps.
And good luck with that BFP!

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