Partner doesn't want to try yet, but i'm desperate

[justforinfo]

Hi all,
It's a little strange being on this thread as i'm normally over in car seats advising

I'm not really sure where to start, it always sounds stupid when I try and write how i'm feeling down or try to talk about it :-/

Basically, i'm desperate to try for a baby. It's all I think about every day and all I can dream about. I love my partner to bits and we are very happy together, but I want children soon (now) and he wants to wait 5 years (and that's talking him down from the initial 10 yr bombshell) We'd only be 30 in 5 years, which is nothing.... but i'm ready NOW. I don't want a baby when i'm 30, I want to be running around with my child!

I feel like there is a piece of me inside that's empty, I see other mum's and their bumps/babies and it's like getting punched right in the heart. With being a child seat advisor it's making it so hard to stay happy, i'm finishing work and breaking down.

I keep telling myself that 5 years is no time to wait, and to enjoy the child free years (holidays etc) but.... I can't explain it, I just hate the thought of waiting 5 years to even start TTC.

He's terrified having a baby will stop his life. He plays music and wants to gig and have freedom to do whatever he wants, which is fine. I also have hobbies, i've tried throwing myself into them and work to take my mind off this, thinking to get myself in optimal shape and health for when pregnancy does happen and to be saving over the years so I can take time off work (self employed), and my partner keeps re-iterating this, and I know baby talk is getting to him, but I can't help it.

Any advice? It's not fair of me to try and talk him round any more, but I just wondered if anybody else had been through anything similar?

Sad, lonely and scared :'(

[joanofarchitrave]

[bump]

[rumtumtugger]

It won't STOP his life, but I'd be lying if I said that he would be able to carry on as before, as he won't if he wants to be involved in the baby's life. Being a parent does involve sacrifices (but it also brings immeasurable joy). It's bloody hard work - and if he wants to keep gigging then it'll be pretty lonely for you too looking after a baby on your own. Babies aren't that great company imo!

Do you have a support network of family nearby or lots of friends with babies?

Does he like babies? How long have you been together?

[justforinfo]

Thanks for your reply :)

Yes, some of my friends have babies/children, My Mum is desperate to be a granny, so it doesn't help that she's always getting on at me :( but yes, I have a good support network, The friends I have that don't already have children have no interest in having them - babies are their worst nightmare so they really don't understand why I feel the way I do - I don't TBH. My friends with babies are sympathetic to me. I just worry so much about waiting until 30 to even start trying, all your risks start going up, and I have lots of friends who have lost babies late on in pregnancy (I had a mc at 21, 8 wks in) It also doesn't happen straight away, so i'm realistically looking at 7 years down the line - and that.... I can't even describe how that makes me feel.

We've been together 2 years now, we make a great team and have good communication, but he gets fed up of me talking babies - which is understandable and I try really hard not to bring it up anymore. I KNOW that 5 years is nothing, and to make the most of it, get lots of life experiences to make me a better mum when it does happen, I'm going back to education in September to help me get a better job in the future and therefore more stable for a baby - but it doesn't make me feel any better!

It's pathetic and self indulgent of me :(

[justforinfo]

BTW - College and saving to take time of self employed - I'll still be doing my business alongside college and future employment!

[pinkappleby]

I understand how you feel, your job must make it harder.

Sorry if this is insensitive but can I ask why you are not married? Do you know he is committed to you and a future together?

[minipie]

Can I ask, how long have you felt like this?

BTW it may well happen immediately and not take 2 years. I think the statistics are something like 60% get pregnant within 6 months and 85% get pregnant naturally within a year. Of course there are also mcs as you have sadly experienced but there is no reason you should have another one just because you did before. And the risks at 30 aren't that much higher.

I have to admit that from a purely practical perspective it does sound like you could be better off waiting a bit. Have a bit more time just as a couple. Get the education, and then get yourself into a job so you will get maternity pay. Wait for a friend or two to start getting broody so you have some company. It doesn't have to be 5 years though. Could you compromise on 2.5 years? At least that wouldn't feel like such a huge wait.

(I know your DP may say he has already come down to 5 from 10 but I would disregard that ).

[PuppyMummy]

I am 31 and ttc our first. 5 years ago I had no intention of ever having kids!

your oh may change his mind. both me and my oh did but not at the same time.

also 5 years ago I wasn't in as good a job and we didn't have as nicer house as we do now so we r better off for waiting, as baby will be. I don't think waiting til ur 30 will be a disaster.

[Bunbaker]

I think your partner is being sensible. He realises that having a child does change your life and would rather wait until he wants to stop or cut down on doing the activities he does rather than becoming a father and resenting the child - or even worse still behaving like a single man and leaving you to do 100% of the childcare. Having a baby is hard work and does impact on your lifestyle massively.

I don't want to sound patronising, but you are only 25 and you have plenty of time to have children. I would make the most of your freedom to do all the things you want to do that having children would make difficult or impossible. also, if you pressurise your partner he might not want to stick around.

[lotsofcheese]

I think he's telling you loud & clear that he's not ready for a baby. Desperation on your part will only serve to push him further away.

Also, 2 years together is fairly early in a relationship to be trying for a baby - these early years are "couple-time" for establishing your relationship & enjoying eachother.

Mid-20's is young for having children, and it can be socially restrictive unless your friends are in the same situation.

You have time on your side, so wait a bit & enjoy eachother meantime x

[eurochick]

It sounds like you are at different life stages. I was like your partner in my 20s and not ready for kids. A couple of relationships ended because of this. You need to decide if you want children more than you want this relationship.

I knew that kids would be a huge life change and it was just not one I wanted or was remotely ready for before I was 30. I went out with one bloke for 5-6 years in my 20s and we broke up, partly because he wanted to get married and have babies and I did not.

PS - you can still be running around after kids at 30, you know... I'm 36 and plan to do a 5k run this evening. 30 probably sounds old to you now but you will look back and laugh at that view when you get there.

[justforinfo]

Thanks for all your replies :) Work certainly does make it harder, and I do only see the lovely side of babies, not the horrible sleepless nights etc

I am completely confident that we're committed though (although not daft enough to think everything is set in stone), I would rather wait than have children with anyone else, So I suppose I've answered my own dilemma really! (with all your help too) Time to find a second hobby I think.

Bunbaker He's always been more sensible than me and really thinks things through, i've always been impatient!

Thank you for all your advice ladies, it has made me realise that i'd rather shut up and sit tight than loose him!

[lj123]

I am the same, my partner would rather wait but we are just seeing how it goes, I miscarried November then February, nothing has happened yet, few symptoms this week due on Friday so we will see.
Either way the feeling will never leave you.
I have wanted children for years, it's what I want to plan my life around, I don't want my job to be to important to care for my children and I also don't want the inability to run around with them. Im22 some say too young but I say just right.
I think you need to explain to your partner just how much it means to you, my partner knows I think everyday about the babies I lost it will never leave me, we are both very happy.
Some people don't get a choice to have children.
He needs to know how you really feel about it deep down.

[KickTheGuru]

Also, 2 years together is fairly early in a relationship to be trying for a baby

I completely disagree with this. I've known couples who were together for 6 years, had a baby and split. And known couples together for 6 months, had a baby and split.

There is no time limit. It's up to each person to decide whether they are ready or not.

That said, your DH is clearly not ready. So sadly, you will have to wait until he is ready. I would just make sure that it's not something he will "push" out. I had a friend married for 10 years and she battled, even when they were trying, to get support from him because he wanted to be young forever. He was 36 when they STARTED.

Make sure you will both be on the same page in 5 years time. Otherwise, you will miss out and you will have to start again. Clearly, it's important to you and he needs to understand that as well

[KickTheGuru]

Whoops - the couple who fell pregnant after 6 months of dating have subsequently stayed together and got married when their son was 6 years old

[perplexedpirate]

You can still 'run around' with your child even if you have them at 30.

[KickTheGuru]

We started trying when I was 29 - I am 31 in November so it may also not happen just when you want it to!

The thing to do is be as right as you possibly can and hope for the best :)

[Ephiny]

Yes I am 30 and still quite capable of running, thanks! I'm in better shape physically than I was 5 years ago, in fact.

That aside, I think you're right to wait, there's no sense in pushing someone into parenthood before they're ready, and there's a lot more to life than doing childcare.

I guess you have to consider what you'll do if 5 years go by and he's still unwilling - unfortunately some people do string their partners along, not saying this is the case here, but you do both need to be very honest with each other.

[justforinfo]

Another heart to heart is in order, clearly. I'm not saying anyone is incapable of running around when their 30, i'm just saying that the time is now whilst I am young, fit and healthy. My head says 30 is a good age, the rest of me over-rides that feeling.

I'll have another proper chat with him, it has crossed my mind of what will happen if in 5 years time he's "not ready". To be honest, I don't think you're ever ready for kids!

[KickTheGuru]

Wait until you've been trying to have one for years. Then you're ready.

People are never ready when it's handed to them on a plate. When you have to work for it, you're ready

[Margerykemp]

There are lots of advantages to having DCs young but there are lots of disadvantages to getting pregnant by an immature partner. Try to separate these two issues. If you want kids now find someone who wants them now too. Or DIY.

[lj123]

Apologies to anyone offended by me saying, wanting to run around, I have hms and hip issues that'll get worse with age. I didnt mean physically at that age your body gives up, just mine will lol x

[Lisamol]

With regards to the 'never being ready' - my husband has desperately wanted kids since we were both 18. Up until summer last year I wasn't sure I wanted them at all, now it's all I can think about. We spent the time until that point compromising - buying our house, saving for a wonderful wedding and fantastic honeymoon, making memories together that we can hold on to forever, getting our careers in place, saving for my maternity leave...

On another point of view, I had a friend who was in your position - lo and behold 6 months later she fell "accidentally" pregnant while on the pill. She thought it would solve all their problems. He continued to go out with his mates as before, she was stuck at home with the child. As much as she loved her it was hard work with support, and they both ended up resenting each other and it was the poor kid in the middle. They are now seperated with a very confused child. I'm not saying you would do this, but it's something to consider.

You can't push someone into something they are not ready for as you don't know how they will react. You need to decide what is most important to you, children or your partner, because it sounds that for the next few years at least they are mutually exclusive.