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Secondary infertility? Fed up and alone

(75 Posts)
Girly2508 Thu 26-Jul-12 21:19:10

Himthere. I'm hoping there will be someone else here in the same situation and I won't feel so alone! We've been ttc #2 for 2 1/2 years now. My beautiful baby girl will be 4 in November and I love her with all my heart. I have always imagined my family being complete with 2 healthy children. I feel so guilty for being disappointed when my period starts every month, and fed up of waiting again for another month. My dr has been pretty useless, I had a 21 day blood test which showed up as normal, even though my periods aren't every 28 days and vary from 24-28. I'm unsure how all my levels could've been normal when I must have ovulated earlier that month as I came on 3 days after the blood test. The dr just says it takes time - but seriously that long?! We wereso fortunate with my daughter as we conceived after only 3 month of trying. Plus I'm turning 30 this year so feel as if my time is running out. Why is it everyone around me can fall pregnant just like that?! I can't help feeling jealous when my friend with a 9 month old has just announced their 2nd pregnancy, and feel useless as I feel unable to provide my 3 yr old with the longed for baby brother/sister, especially as now she is asking when she is going to get her baby brother! It breaks my heart. Thank you for reading this far! Any advice gratefully received xxxx

HalleLouja Mon 30-Jul-12 13:35:23

Babybythesea I am sure if you are over 35 they are supposed to do tests after 6 months. Well they do where I am. I had tests after 1 year.

babybythesea Mon 30-Jul-12 17:35:14

That's interesting - it's definitely not what I was told.
I was thinking about whether it was worth going to see someone privately - if the NHS won't help regardless of age because I have one (which I actually think is fair enough - the money should go to those who don't even have the one I've been lucky enough to get). Maybe I'll try again with my GPs but see a different doctor to start with, and see where it gets me.

HalleLouja Mon 30-Jul-12 18:34:44

Try another GP. If there is more than one at your practice.

Girly2508 Mon 30-Jul-12 22:47:08

I'm actually sat here writing this with tears in my eyes! It means so much to know that I'm not alone, that what I'm feeling is natural and I'm not some horrific mother who can't be satisfied with what she has. I'd like to thank you all for sharing your experiences with me, I am really very grateful. I've not been able to talk to anyone really before, it's an awkward subject for most, especially those who seem to look at their partner and become pregnant! Well my DH has just left this morning for an 8 wk work trip. Part of me is relieved that I won't be looking for any sort of pregnancy symptoms coming up to when my period is due! I feel recently I've been putting myself through the wringer, grasping at any sort of pregnancy symptom only to be smacked with my period! The other part of me is frustrated that it's another 8 wks of waiting to try again! I'm thinking that perhaps a break will do me good?! Who knows, every month with no result I just can't help feeling the dream I've always had of a complete family slipping away. I struggle to remember what it was like being pregnant now, although I still have the stretch marks to prove it happened shock I just don't see it happening for us again, I think someone somewhere has decided that our family unit will be a trio. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying my DD isn't enough (some days she's too much), in my head, I've always seen our family with 2 children. My DH comes from a large family, his sister's have no trouble reproducing. One of my sister in law's currently beating me 3-1 in the child match and the mother in law asks EVERY time when are we giving her another grandchild! I don't think it helps either that I decided to give wii fit a try and it not-so-kindly told me this evening that I have a fit age of 34 (turning 30 is a sore point for me!). I've decided that the system is most definitely faulty and will be returned to the shop first thing tomorrow smile

hellotreeshellosky Tue 31-Jul-12 15:58:30

Hi ladies. I just wanted to check in on this thread as it is so conforting to know tehre are others in the same boat and perhaps we can support each other. I post elsewhere on the site under another name because some people know me in RL and there are things on here I prefer to keep between me, DH and the internet. smile

My DS, conceived in the second month of trying without even knowing the length of my cycle, is nearly three. We haven't used contraception since his birth and have been actively trying with varying degrees of effort for over two years. DH had pretty low counts and was diagnosed with testicular varicoceles, he had surgery on them but we don't know yet if it has made a difference. I have had day 21? (in my case 26) test which showed I ovulated. That's it. After DH has another SA next month we will decide where to go next.

Nearly all my mum friends have another already or are pregnant. Last week three people announced their pregnancies. I am happy for them of course but I am so sad. I found it really difficult going to the docs for help too, it felt like admitting defeat. And I am trying hard to support DH because I know he feels responsible and that's not fair. After DH had his op I stopped even counting dates for a couple of months, I was so tired of convincing myself I was pregnant every month and then feeling devastated when my period came or I tested negative.

I know I'm lucky to have DS and I'm grateful, I really am, but I am finding this tough. It's a small relief to know there are others out there although I wish it could be different for you all. Maybe we can support each other.

Girly2508 Tue 31-Jul-12 16:21:16

I think it would be fantastic to support each other. I feel comfortable being able to say exactly how I feel on here without feeling as though I'm being judged as we all seem to be feeling the same. I am here for support however anyone needs it and I think it will help us all in our journeys if we can lean on each other at times xxx

DeekeyDoo Tue 31-Jul-12 21:08:24

You are definitely not alone. I empathise with everything you have said. I am 34 and have two children already aged 5 and almost 4. I conceived first month of ttc with both of them. We have been ttc number 3 for 2 years now. I have had day 3 and day 21 tests, a pelvic scan and all was normal. My dp has had sperm analysis which again was normal. My doctor has pretty much said the same thing and said we can't be referred as the NHS won't do anything because we already have children.

I hate feeling envious of all my friends when they tell me they are pregnant. I hate myself for it but can't help it. But you are right that everybody thinks we should count ourselves lucky because we have children (and I do, of course), but it doesn't stop that desperate need/want for a baby - it's not something I can control or turn off. If I had a pound for every time I've been told 'just relax and stop trying so hard'?!?! Grrrr!

But please don't worry that time is running out. You have plenty of time, although I understand exactly what you mean about the age gap. It's so hard when you have always imagined how your family would be and it just doesn't happen. But even though you feel guilty, I'm sure your daughter is happy to have you to herself for now. I think you should definitely ask your doctor for a pelvic scan and get your partner tested too.

What other things have you tried? I have got a clearblue fertility monitor, I drink grapefruit juice and taken evening primrose oil to help cm, I have tried agnus castus to regulate ovulation, vitamin b complex to help luteal phase, take conception+ vitamins, and use conceive plus lubricant. I had three acupuncture treatments but stopped because it was too expensive. I wear a fertility charm bracelet (desperation I know!!!) Also given up caffeine and begun regular exercise! Am considering reflexology but again it's very expensive sad So not desperate at all!!! The most annoying thing (or one of them) is that I gave up all of the above for 4 months and tried to not stress about ttc in the hope it would help but no lucksad

But I am still hopeful it will happen one day.

I wish I could offer you some advice but I hope it helps just to know you are not alone.Wishing you lots of luck xxx

iloveberries Wed 01-Aug-12 16:05:56

very reassuring to hear that we're not alone and that my emotions are 'normal' in this situation.

babybythesea Wed 01-Aug-12 23:36:36

Actually the thing that I find most reassuring from this thread is that I thought that you either had trouble conceiving or you didn't.
I didn't the first time round so I assumed it would be as easy this time - I clearly didn't fall into the 'difficult' category! So this has been a real body blow, coming to terms with the trouble we are having (especially as my two cousins, who I am very close to, both popped out two babies in a very short time frame with no difficulty). And I thought it made me weird - I couldn't see how it could be possible to have one child so quickly and then struggle for so long for another. It is immensely reassuring to begin to see it's not as uncommon as I had thought. There are two people in RL who could potentially understand. One is struggling for her first so I can't really talk to her as she feels I should be grateful for the one I have (which I am but can't explain that it doesn't take away an ache for another), and the other couldn't have her third because her DH didn't want her to which isn't quite the same thing as trying and trying and failing and failing. It is nice to have somewhere to go where everyone understands.

DizzyPurple Thu 02-Aug-12 22:15:19

Hi ladies. Good to see our little club is growing! I just wanted to run something past you all. I had a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) yesterday to check my tubes which thankfully were clear. However I haven't been able to find much out there about what is usual to expect afterwards, most people seem to be absolutely fine. The hospital didn't advise anything. It was quite a difficult procedure, apparently my cervix was hard to find (???) and they had to insert different speculums 4/5 times which was quite painful. Yesterday afterwards I had increasing bad 'period' type pain. Improved with ibuprofen. I also felt as though my whole abdomen was swollen and tender. Had some nausea too. Felt really quite rough and went to bed early. This morning by comparison felt much better although still feel like I've been kicked in the stomach! Abdomen quite tender and a little nausea too. Again felt much better with some paracetomol. This evening things are much more settled but I've been feeling a bit delicate all day which I wasn't expecting. Has anyone else experienced this at all? Thanks in anticipation...

clickingtock Tue 07-Aug-12 15:45:56

It is horrendous so sending you love and hugs. After over a year if trying we found out we base male fertility issues - don't blame yourself for anything btw as it could be either or neither of you with a problem. 12 weeks of acupuncture sorted it and we fell pg using ovulation kit. Do what you can to help yourself and it will make you feel a bit better. I am 18wks pg now with DC2; I will be 41 when baby is born. You will get there but it's a painful journey. Xxx

beanery Tue 07-Aug-12 22:50:10

hello - I would like to join the club too please.

I posted earlier today on another thread, trying to get some support and positive stories from women who have been ttc dc2 from some time.

This is my 19 month of trying after a MMC. It took about 7 cycles for that pregnancy (although it was 12 months in the end, because of various reasons.) Was upset and frustrated by the MC but thought it proved I could get pregnant again after having DS but so far nothing.

So in total that is 2.5 years of waiting for DC2.

It's been the hardest 2 years of my life - partly because of ttc with no avail and partly because of other life events too. I feel like I am waiting for the pregnancy to come and heal the MC and all the other difficulties of the last couple of the years! Doesn't work like that though.

I am so grateful for my DS who is 4.5 and was a v easy conception but feel so guilty about the state I have got myself in about wanting another. I am glad that others know what it is like (though not glad that you have to go through it)

Have seen the Dr and had day 21, day 3, HSG, lap and dye, AMH and DH has had SA done. All is ok. My FSH is slightly high for my age but mostly likely linked to the fact that I have only one ovary since birth. So as a result AMH is lowish too but not so bad for my age apparently (36). The Doc seems to think we have a 'normal' chance of conception, so why the hell has it not happened yet?

Dizzy PUrple, the HSG for me was quite uncomfortable at the time - but pain stopped straight after they stopped pumping in the dye. I found I was a little crampy afterwards and the next day or two and could get on with my day to day stuff. I did not need to take pain killers either. I guess it may vary from woman to woman. I hope you are feeling better now though?

Sorry this is an epic post. Got to get it off me chest evidently!

LemonLovesLilac Fri 10-Aug-12 00:29:04

Hi all, well my story is that we have been trying for 17 months now! My son is 6 yrs which is breaking my heart as the gap is going to be so big! My ds was a happy surprise so I thought that I would get pregnant immediately......sadly that was not to be! I have suspected PCOS, have had all the bloods with my gp so the next step is going to the gynae......I'm guessing that will happen in September (as I'm going impatient) so hopefully I will get some answers then! My periods can be anything from 31 to 125 days shock and I don't think I'm also thinks this!

It's great (not sure if that's the best word) to hear that I'm not the only person going through this! I thought that I was so strong however recently as pregnancies have been announced and babies born it has really got to me! I'm also super envious of complete strangers who are pregnant!

Ok I need to stop ranting now blush this thread is really helpful! It would be great to hear updates from you give each other strength through all this crap!!!

pickofthepops Fri 10-Aug-12 00:33:27

Ditto too, DS 4.5. I had a couple of Chem pregs before DS and another couple in ttc. Now full blown efforts as am 38. V concerned and DS asked unprompted why he was "alone". No pressure!

hellotreeshellosky Mon 13-Aug-12 18:18:12

Hello all. I'm just starting the two week wait again. How is everybody?

I'm not very hopeful this month, not sure why. DH hasn't done his new SA yet so I don't know if the varicocele op has changed anything. I am going to be proactive next week and see the docs again to see if they'll send me for further tests. We have read that the op DH had can take more than the standard three months to show results, so he wants to wait a bit. I think we are both a bit afraid that if there is no improvement the next step for us is assisted conception and that is rather frightening.

DS is three in a couple of weeks, I am sad that he won't have a sibling close in age. I seem to be around a lot of pregnant women too which is a bit depressing. It's quite comforting to have this little corner of the internet where everyone knows how I feel!

LemonLovesLilac Mon 13-Aug-12 21:59:06

Hellotreeshellosky does your dh testicular varicocele have much an impact on fertility as my dh also has that along with me having PCOS and I didnt think it was a problem as he got diagnosed with it before we were trying and the doctor didn't say it would impact his fertility! Oh I really hope both our bits are not faulty!!!

hellotreeshellosky Mon 13-Aug-12 22:40:50

Lemon it's hard to tell really. I got PG with DS easily so presumably lots of sperm. Tests earlier this year showed low counts and only obvious thing was the varicoceles but noone is really sure whether that's the problem or not. We won't find out until DH does another test.

Has your DH had a sperm analysis? From what I understand many men have varicoceles and the jury is out on whether they affect fertility or not.

resipsa Tue 14-Aug-12 10:13:11

Hi all. Hi Holly. I'm in your boat. TTC no 2. DD is 18 months. One MMC. And old - 42 next month. Everywhere I look people have 2 with the age gap there would've been if MMC hadn't happened. Feel extra bad that my initial selfishness in leaving it late has probably cost DD a sibling. DH has low sperm count too. Probably time to let it go soon but don't know if I can.

LemonLovesLilac Tue 14-Aug-12 18:10:22

hellotreeshellosky no my dh hasn't had a sperm analysis yet as we haven't went to fertility specialist yet so I presume they will look to do that and that will shed some light on it......he is convinced that he is a stallion though and us not looking forward to having to provide a SA!! Yet I'm supposed to be delighted to get dildo cams etc....typical man!! Hope your DH next test comes back good!

Attagirl79 Thu 16-Aug-12 12:17:32

Hi Girly, you are definitely not alone! I am 32, have a 21 month old daughter and have been trying for no.2 without success for 8 months. A relatively short period I know, but I have had tests done have a low amh and am therefore not sure of my chances of having another baby, naturally or at all. Am absolutely petrified. Like you I was completely complacent having conceived my DD in a month and my question was always would I have 3 or 4 children. I am absolutely desperate for another and given my test results am not willing to wait too long to assist. I am going to have IVF next month, then if it is unsuccessful resign and try for a bit longer naturally with hopefully lower stress levels and then try IVF again in January. I am split between thinking as so many people do that if you have one, that you really ought to be able to have another even if takes a while and thinking that I just can't risk not doing everything in my power to push things along. Worst case scenario at least I know I did something! Lots of people I know are popping out number 2 at the moment for the perfect 2 year age gap and I am struggling with it. To an extent as my DD gets each month older a little part of me is sad that the age gap is also at least a month bigger but I wouldnt care if I could gaze into a crystal ball and just know that no.2 was going to come at some point! If only... In short though you are not alone. I feel for you more than I can express in words and am sending you a big hug and some hope! All the best.

duchesse Thu 16-Aug-12 12:36:46

I'm not trying to be a chirpy "ooh, it did for me!!" type person (I remember only too well how crap if felt to read that, but if it's any consolation,, it can happen even after a huge gap. I had secondary infertility ttc no 4 for 6 long and painful years before DD3 decided to announce herself (in some style I might add). There were times during those 6 years when I was convinced I had lost my mind, times of pure despair when even walking and breathing were hard. There was a MMC at 13 weeks about midway through the 6 years.

Then a miracle pregnancy when I was 40, weeks after I'd given away all my baby clothes to friends. And DD3 is here now, chomping on mushroom and avocado right next to me and looking forward to her 3rd birthday in a couple of weeks.

Attagirl79 Thu 16-Aug-12 15:51:19

Thanks Duchesse, if I wasnt at work I would have shed a tear for that! Here's to all those wannabe children that are stuck inside us!

resipsa Thu 16-Aug-12 22:14:38


scooby26 Wed 22-Aug-12 23:13:24

Hi. Can I join? Have been TTc no 2 fo 11,mts- am aged 35. DH aged 37 and his SA I fine. Saw 5th gp today- all clueless previously and hard to see same more than once! Day 21 test was 30 and lh/fsh normal. I have had group b strep, work shifts an drink diet c... And am concerned I've don myself harm omewhere. DS loves other kids an feel terrible he s only child :-(. Took 10mts for DS.

Have booked a private appointment in two weeks with consultant-any advice? I have painful period (clotty) soz z if tmif. Also opk suggests ovulation day. F 28. I'm thinkin endometriosis and liteal phase defect. Maybe fixable? x

scooby26 Wed 22-Aug-12 23:14:49

Crappy iPad! Ovul day 17- period day27/28- short luteal?

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