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Secondary infertility? Fed up and alone

(75 Posts)
Girly2508 Thu 26-Jul-12 21:19:10

Himthere. I'm hoping there will be someone else here in the same situation and I won't feel so alone! We've been ttc #2 for 2 1/2 years now. My beautiful baby girl will be 4 in November and I love her with all my heart. I have always imagined my family being complete with 2 healthy children. I feel so guilty for being disappointed when my period starts every month, and fed up of waiting again for another month. My dr has been pretty useless, I had a 21 day blood test which showed up as normal, even though my periods aren't every 28 days and vary from 24-28. I'm unsure how all my levels could've been normal when I must have ovulated earlier that month as I came on 3 days after the blood test. The dr just says it takes time - but seriously that long?! We wereso fortunate with my daughter as we conceived after only 3 month of trying. Plus I'm turning 30 this year so feel as if my time is running out. Why is it everyone around me can fall pregnant just like that?! I can't help feeling jealous when my friend with a 9 month old has just announced their 2nd pregnancy, and feel useless as I feel unable to provide my 3 yr old with the longed for baby brother/sister, especially as now she is asking when she is going to get her baby brother! It breaks my heart. Thank you for reading this far! Any advice gratefully received xxxx

TheSilverPussycat Fri 27-Jul-12 11:20:45

At 30 your time is deffo not running out. Am ancient, but when TTC first at age 32, my GP told me that mine wasn't. Had investigations, including taking temp each morning, sperm samples, laproscopy, was on the list for GIFT (do they still do this?), fell preggo naturally at age 34. Tubes had been infected with chlamidia (wild sowing of oats in 1970's, on pill blush) but though 'gnarled' must still have been open.

I remember how desperate I felt, though, v clearly. With v best wishes.

TheSilverPussycat Fri 27-Jul-12 11:22:35

*mine wasn't = my time was Not running out

DizzyPurple Fri 27-Jul-12 11:35:22

You are definitely not alone! I have a dd who is 2.7. Conceived her in second month of trying. Now have been ttc another for nearly 18 months! Have started road of fertility testing. so far my bits are ok but more to come. I have been having a lot of problems with my periods for about that time too so my body is not as helpful as it could be. My dp had a sperm test which was quite bad and since then i have felt really depressed about the whole thing. I'm 39. Loads of people i know are pregnant and when you feel like this it seems every woman in the street is but they're not really! I'm trying to come to terms with the likelihood we may not get another but its very hard. You are definitely NOT alone. x

DizzyPurple Fri 27-Jul-12 11:43:28

You are definitely not alone! I have a dd who is 2.7. Conceived her in second month of trying. Now have been ttc another for nearly 18 months! Have started road of fertility testing. so far my bits are ok but more to come. I have been having a lot of problems with my periods for about that time too so my body is not as helpful as it could be. My dp had a sperm test which was quite bad and since then i have felt really depressed about the whole thing. I'm 39. Loads of people i know are pregnant and when you feel like this it seems every woman in the street is but they're not really! I'm trying to come to terms with the likelihood we may not get another but its very hard. You are definitely NOT alone. x

DizzyPurple Fri 27-Jul-12 11:46:16

Dont know why its put it twice but cant work out how to get rid of iit on my phone!

Girly2508 Fri 27-Jul-12 15:15:32

Ladies, thank you so much for taking the time to reply. It's a relief to know that I'm not alone. I just feel useless, convinced that even though the only test I've had has been ok, there's something wrong with me. I don't feel I have anyone to talk to now either, as people either tell me to stop whining as I have my daughter or tell me that it will happen and to just let it take it's course! Pretty hard to do after 2.5 yrs of trying! Then there are the people who love to tell you that you'd best get a move on as my daughter will be 4 in November and we don't want a big age gap! Every month my period starts, I go through all the emotions, another month to wait and I just feel so sad and convinced myself that it's never going to happen now sad xx

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 27-Jul-12 15:23:49


I think your current GP is hopeless actually; its no point at all in solely testing you without your man undergoing investigations at the same time. There could well be male factor problems here so repeated semen analysis is necessary. One semen analysis is not conclusive in its own right, these have to be repeated.

You really ought to be seen as a couple by a subfertility unit. I would also change GP practice; it is all too easy to be fobbed off.

It needs proper investigation particularly as you have now been ttc for 2.5 years. You and your man will need to be persistant in order to get answers

Girly2508 Fri 27-Jul-12 15:35:30

Thank you so much for this! I have been seeing my Dr every couple of months for at least a year about my fertility (or lack of!) and it's almost as if he offered my blood test to get me off his back. Basically I should be lucky (and I am) that I have my daughter. According to ny GP, I have conceived before so I will again. We're not trying hard enough apparently?! My husband has never been offered a semen analysis so I will certainly be asking for this - with a different GP!

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 27-Jul-12 15:41:57

You're welcome Girly and good luck with the new doc.

Secondary subfertility is more common than people realise. I cannot for the life of me understand why both of you were not tested in tandem to begin with. Subfertility is not the sole preserve of the woman.

You may need to go privately to have some tests done; I would see if you can get any help under the NHS initially. If you do decide to go private, do your researches thoroughly beforehand and ask them lots of questions. Some private clinics offer poor as well as expensive treatment. Both of you need further testing and tests should be done in tandem. It is no point at all solely testing you without he being tested.

TheSilverPussycat Fri 27-Jul-12 17:33:50

A bit more info from me: conceived v quickly when first started TTC but had an early miscarriage, followed by a D&C (do they still do these?)

But 2.5 years later I had been referred to local hospital for the tests, as outlined above. DS arrived in 1988 followed by DD in 1991. I was so very lucky and hope things will work out for you. And yes it was very lonely and people stopped telling me when they were pregnant sad

Girly2508 Fri 27-Jul-12 18:39:38

I must admit there are very few people who know how hard we have been trying and how we are starting to become disparate! The only reason I've kept from saying how I really feel to most of my friends is the risk of alienation and people too scared of hurting my feelings by announcing another pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for those who are pregnant/ able to get pregnant easily, I just can't help the selfish sadness I feel when I hear their news sad

iloveberries Sat 28-Jul-12 20:11:15

So sad but a familiar story.
We have been ttc #2 for a yr. I have fallen pregnant but had an ectopic in march and my ds is 2.5. Everyone I had him with has dc2 or is pregnant and it breaks my heart as I feel like less of a mother for only making one. I feel so guilty for not providing him with a playmate. Doc isn't interested in me as I "can get pregnant" so i just have to see if I can have a successful pregnancy again.

I totally empathise though - it's horrible how people are so fertile! I know people who have timed sex for a girl, or to get a September baby and I would take any gender, any month but it just ain't happening sad

No other advice but you are NOT alone! Hugs. X x x

HalleLouja Sat 28-Jul-12 20:14:47

I tried 16 months for my DD (DC2). Not sure what happened differently the month I finally got sperm and egg to meet but it did happen. Without intervention. Luckily for us it was just a matter of time.

Now all that pain has melted away. Hypnotherapy was probably the best thing I did for it. Helped me relax. I also took up running.

iloveberries Sat 28-Jul-12 20:18:38

Halle: do you mind me asking if your dc1 came long easily?

HalleLouja Sun 29-Jul-12 07:47:27

Yes DS came really easily. I had him 9 months after I got married to the day. Though he was 6 weeks premmie....

HalleLouja Sun 29-Jul-12 07:48:20

I did write an article about it for my local NCT mag so that people could get some understanding of what it is like to go through.

wifeofdoom Sun 29-Jul-12 08:00:52

I agree your GP should do more - after 2 yrs I had day 3 and day 21 bloods and my dh had a semen sample done. They came back clear so she put me forward for a pelvic scan as I have painful periods, that showed up problems so had a lap and dye and have carried on privately from there. Unfortunately with no success as yet, rapidly approaching 3 yrs now. Agree its rubbish.

HalleLouja Sun 29-Jul-12 08:02:12

We had been referred to the fertility clinic and were just waiting for our meeting with the consultant. We had seen the nurse the month we conceived so were in the system.

HalleLouja Sun 29-Jul-12 08:04:00

Also at 30 you are still really young. Had DS at 29 and DD at 32 - which is a lot younger than most people round where I live.

3duracellbunnies Sun 29-Jul-12 08:12:56

Dd2 took longer than dd1, just over a year, compared to 6 months, but then ds (#3) I fell pg in 3rd month. With dd2 I had c**p work situation, fell pregnant once that was sorted. With ds I was then fairly ancient at 36. For him dh stopped having soya and alcohol and had cooler baths, not sure if that upped his count.

Dd1 +2 are closer in age than dd2+ ds, but that was our choice. I do remember the pain each time another friend said they were pg, and it got harder and harder to be happy for them. Keep pushing, at 30 you are still fairly young, and plenty of time for interventions, but having one child doesn't mean that your pain or longing for a second one is any less.

The relationship between siblings with a larger age gap may be less playmatey, but it is also less competative. Dd1 and ds have just over 4.5yr gap and he calls her his other mummy sometimes. There is no chance of him catching her up academically for a long time, whereas dd2 is already trying to rival her achievements in reading etc.

hellokittydrivesmenuts Sun 29-Jul-12 13:41:33

Hi your not alone at all, my daughters 4 and 1/2 with new partner now and we have been trying for 16 months . My daughters friends all have siblings she rubs my tummy like her friends do with their pregnant mummy's tummy and says the same my brothers in there! My 21 day bloods were fine and dp having his test on 14th! The same feelings swarm me about feeling guilty for wanting something so much even with dd but think you desperately want for them to have siblings too :-( I am nearly 32 and panicking ! Took 3 years to fall with dd ! Here to hold hands on this hard journey x x

wrighty2010 Sun 29-Jul-12 21:52:25

Just wanted to say hi, hope you are ok, you are not alone even if that is how you feel! you are also not too old, I was 41 when i had my daughter so there is life in you yet!!! Anyway, keep smiling, I know its hard!! xxx

posypoo Mon 30-Jul-12 12:36:13

Hi, I haven't been ttc#2 for long, but sympathise with everyone asking you where number 2 is. I have recently had ovarian cyst issues and a miscarriage and haven't told my family about the reason for the delay to the expected second, just grit my teeth when I am pointedly double buggy cosy toes and moses basket stands 'for my loft'.

If it helps, I always wanted a baby sibling but as the youngest of three I didn't! - what I mean is it's really common for young children to repeatedly ask their parents about this, but they won't be dwelling on it or anything - it's you who will be feeling bad, not her. And looking at it positively, she is a lucky girl to have had you to herself for her most formative years. You are still young (my 'new mum' friends range from 30 to 42) but I would definitely echo getting seen by someone more useful than your GP who can reassure you and give you proper support.

babybythesea Mon 30-Jul-12 12:54:01

I'll come and sit in your corner.
Fell pg with dd the first month of trying and so foolishly assumed no2 would be just as easy. 20 months later and still no dc2. Have seen a GP who told me they would do tests after 2 years of trying, but that I was unlikely to get any help whatever the tests showed because 1) I have a dc and 2) I was too old. I'm 35 - it's the first time I've been told my age is a barrier in quite that way!
We are readjusting our thinking. We are no longer actively 'trying', in that I don't watch charts, or factor the non-existant baby into holiday plans any more. I am trying to see dd as the completing of the family, rather than being half of a complete family with the other half missing. I have stopped calling the spare room the nursery, which I only ever did in my head, but even so, I don't any more.
We have not stopped trying in the sense that we don't try to prevent it, and there are certain days when I do think DTD would be a good thing so I engineer it, even if DH doesn't know why he's getting lucky that night!

I am trying to learn to be delighted with what I have and not think about the person who isn't here who I think should be. I cannot stop myself looking at people who have infants who would be about the right age if we had conceived fairly quickly but I try not to convert that into 'What would my baby be doing now? Learning to pull themselves up on things? Learning to wave?'

DD is nearly 4. It's a much bigger gap than we wanted but now, I will just be thankful if we get another and not so concerned about how many years between them. But yes, it gets harder and harder to be happy for people, or more accurately, to hide the pang of jealousy. One friend of mine only wanted one but fell pg again by accident and got twins, another is expecting her second and her first is nine months. that is particularly hard - her first was born about when we would have been expecting dc2, and she's managed to get not one but two in that time.

It's interesting there are so many of us, and that the standard GP response seems to be 'Well everything was fine once, so it will be again, just keep trying....'
Wishing you lots of success, at least we've all got company on the road!

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