Secretly, between you and me, i may not feel ready, and iabu about this, but only in everybody elses eyes, not in mine. (secretly whispers)

[tightwad]

I am feeling very pressured into stopping ttc.
This is massive to me and i am awaiting for a date to start councelling to get this into my head. To accept it.

Thing is so far we have not been using any contraception so despite me telling every one we have stopped, secretly, wehavent have we. Subconciously i havent given up all hope yet.

(ive just had mc number 7, im 41 and am told by reoccurring mc clinic that i will continue to mc, even though they dont know why i mc)
Family and friends have told me "enough now", so i feel pressured.

Councelling will help i think, but its my choice, im a grown woman...at the same time im planning what i will do when i next mc (which i will) so that no one will have to know anything about it .

After 12 years im struggling to get this "maybe next time" mantra out of my skull.

[mirry2]

I would just keep trying without telling anyone. I had 3 miscarriages without telling anybody (I mean friends, not doctor/hospital). It was very easy not to tell anyone I was still trying. I found it easy to fall preganant but eventually I stopped conceiving anyway.

Wierd that your recurring mc clinic have told you this.

[Pearla]

I'm sorry. :( Only you can decide if/when you're ready to stop trying - it has nothing much to do with anyone other than you and your DP, although they may think they have your best interests at heart. You do what you need to do. YANBU and

[YouOldSlag]

I am very sympathetic OP. Poor you. It's entirely your decision. Sounds like people are trying to tell you to stop in your best interests as they don't like seeing you hurt.

However, I lost 3 pregnancies and was so incredibly determined to carry trying that nobody could stop me. Luckily things turned out well for me and I have another DC.

You must do what you want, or you will always wonder what would have happened. Sometimes you have to see things through to the bitter end before you decide to call it a day. I can understand you feeling that way.

I can only wish you luck and sympathy and send you my admiration. Keep going, and do what YOU want and need to do.

[tightwad]

Aww double wammy of crapness for you that mirry2, hugs to you my lovely x Did you find out why you stopped concieving?
After every test known to man and all being normal, they told me that they do not know the reason for 80% of all mcs. BUT that i am likely to continue to mc.

[mirry2]

tightwad, have you already got a child. I stopped conceiving because of my age, probably think - around about 40years. Anyway it became less important when i realised that I had been feeling grotty because of early pregnancy or grieving because of the mc for almost all of my little dc life so I decided to stop worrying about having another child and enjoy what I had.

[tightwad]

Yeah, i have an 8 year old ds.
I understand what you say about how it all affects your life in a detremental way. I have not allowed it to inpinge on life.
Never grieved, went back to work and normal within days of each mc. Hence the waiting for councelling to start to actually allow this into my head and to process it all and then carry on..with the wonderfulness that is my ds, and that is my life.

I find it overwhelming though, this need for ds to not be an only. I cant shake this feeling.
Last mc was 3 weeks ago, now that mother nature is making it plain to me that it isnt going to happen, it is softening somewhat.

Also got an appointment with the practice nurse to discuss contraception next week...so that will be that, everyone happy

[mirry2]

But you aren't happy, are you. If you really want another, I would'nt give up but don't obsess about it. On the other hand, count up how many only children your dc has as friend and you will be surprised. So many parents stick at one these days.

[tightwad]

I have always felt that i woudl have several children, all my life.

Ive been at this for about 12 years now, it become a constant, rather than an obsession, just there in the background iyswim.
Ive never gone down the route of them ovulation sticks or temperatures, i dont even write my periods down, it simmers in the background. Im too busy to let it take up much time. (work ft) always just thought, if it happens it happens.
I probably need to stop it happening now for a million reasons.

[DonkeyTeapot]

I'm so sorry tightwad how awful to have to go through that. I can only second what others have said - do what you have to do. If you're not ready to stop trying yet, don't. Let friends and family believe whatever keeps them off your case, you don't have to justify anything to them, nor do you have to do what makes them happy.

[tazzle22]

I am sorry you are having such problems tightwad. . I too think that the professional as well as friends have your emotional well being at heart,

As to what its the "right" thing to do , well no one really knows. Maybe for the moment just not actively trying ttc but not actively preventing it either ? The counselling might help prepare you and DP for either / both deal with the grief of a lost family and to make the conscious decision that at whatever age you decide ( 41 is not too old to be preggers), your body is just not making as good eggs (like all women because of increasing age). Pregnacy can get harder too as we get older and there might be a time to actively prevent conception.

We do hear of miracles and hope we can be the ones it happens to ... its hard to give hope up ...and many times we shouldnt because it makes us fight to get what we need/ want, Sadly though sometimes accepting what cannot be is better for our peace of mind.

Even writing that I am still wishing sooo much that you could have what your heart desires and can so understand the "maybe just one more time".

[tightwad]

Thankyou tazzle for your lovely insightful and understanding post, i do appreciate it.
Im a logical kinda girl, i know what is right and logical....my heart is broken though.

[oldraver]

I think we all have our own limit when we say enough is enough, maybe you havn't reached that yet or maybe you are just burying what you know is in your heart.

MY DS1 was my fourth pg and at that point my DH wanted to give up though I did want more DC's. I had further mc's when DS was 2 then 4...This was the point for me that I thought enough was enough as I no longer thought I could go through this emotionally. I was later dx with PCOS so probably would of got more difficult anyway (no periods at all for years).

I did have a bit of a turnaround a few years later and eventually had DS2, though the earlier decision to stop was the right one for me at the time

[tazzle22]

Logic has little to do with emotion does it tightwad. !

I stopped ttc many years ago after mc, ops and fertility drugs etc failed and I was just so stressed out .......... and got a dog. Guess what happend then . That's why there is that little bit of me that thinks too that there is always hope and wished it could happen for others even though I know it might not.

Some of us do have to go through the mill a bit to have a family .... [thanks to oldraver too]

[tazzle22]

oops typo .... to oldraver too

[KatMumsnet]

Hi OP, we've moved this into Conception. Hope you find the advice you need.