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mid 30s, TTC #1, 2 years so far, fed up. anyone else?

(1000 Posts)
CaipirinhasAllRound Fri 13-Jan-12 18:51:14

Just wondering how many of us there are in the same boat

LesleyKnope Sun 30-Jun-13 14:26:26

Sorry I missed messages.

caipirinhas hope you had a fab time in London & enjoyed those cocktails! I had a G&T in the sun by the beach this afternoon - I don't remember the last time I drank spirits and my god it was good!

notnow the birthday must be really strange. Is he still living in your old house? Sounds like you're being incredibly strong. I may need some tips if things don't improve here.

LesleyKnope Sun 30-Jun-13 16:57:49

Oh and as to keeping emotionally incompetent men in boxes, sign me up! It needs to be 6ft3 - air holes not compulsory.

CaipirinhasAllRound Mon 01-Jul-13 08:03:17

Hi everyone

Notnow, you sound like you're coping really well. Will the extra money help you do something you've always wanted to? Re-train, travel etc?

How are you after the weekend Lesley? A drink next to the beach sounds lovely. We had a good day in London but possible the worst cocktails ever at a temporary bar on south bank! We had 2 different ones and they both looked like lucazade and were foul

I've just got to wait until day 1 of my next period to find out if I can start and I'm day 11 today. They'll do a scan on day 1 or 2 and if it's ok I start drugs day 2, if not I guess I have to have the cyst dealt with. The shitty thing is they've said they might not be able to scan me if days 1 and 2 fall on a weekend and then I would have to wait another cycle! I'm paying this time too! So I have no idea really at the moment.

Bearfacedchic Mon 01-Jul-13 21:21:42

How frustrating for you Caipirinhas! FO they just not open at the weekend or something?

Notnow - I know little about it but egg freezing sounds like a good idea. I knew someone who had a hysterectomy at 29 because of cancer and had eggs frozen for surrogacy. I don't think she's used them yet but at least it's a bit of security for her.

Sorry that it's all do final and sad for you Notnow. It must be shit for you (and I mean that tenderly) but you WILL come through it and things Will get better.

Bearfacedchic Mon 01-Jul-13 22:12:40

Sorry I got cut off half way through my message. Will finish it off later.

LesleyKnope Tue 02-Jul-13 04:33:07

Hi all. Just had word from the clinic - just one made it to blast and is the freezer. Relieved I have 'something' but angry and confused about the whole situation. Husband went to counselling last night but felt sick so wouldn't talk, I can't help thinking he's being a total arse. I'm trying to be sympathetic, supportive and loving as i want to get past this but he's not giving much back. Maybe I should try a different approach?

CaipirinhasAllRound Tue 02-Jul-13 06:57:14

Good news on your blast Lesley
The whole point of his argument about stopping IVF was that you should try and sort your relationship out before having a baby, so he has to try. That should be his priority, to work with you on your relationship. I would be livid if he wasn't willing to do this after what he's said.
Maybe try and get some timeframes or something in place so that you don't find yourself here in 12 months not knowing if you will get to use your blast. It's such a naff work phrase which I hate, but what does success look like, ie, when will the two of you know that your relationship is back on track?
You're being amazing by the way x

Bearfacedchic Tue 02-Jul-13 16:07:29

I totally agree wit Caipirinhas, Lesley - you are handling it all very well indeed and he does need to make the effort at your relationship despite whatever he feels about IVF. I know that men have their issues too, but I think some of them forget/don't realise just how many invasive procedures you have to go through as a woman and how much you need their support. That's why I feel he is being rough on you. I really hope he starts to come round - maybe with counselling he will start to do that. Hang in there. x

What I was going to say in my last post before I had to leave where I was and cut the post off, is that in answer to your previous question, Cai, I am pretty much in the same situation as before really. We are still waiting on our referral, which is now at the end of July and just treading water for the time being. I did have a bit of an 'Am I? Aren't I?' moment a couple of cycles ago when I got a positive HPT (internet cheapie), but then within a day or so I had AF so thinking it was a chemical pg or something. Still no joy at all otherwise, and I'm trying hard not to become bitter and twisted, but it's difficult. I did get a positive OPK today though so will be grabbing DH when he gets home . . .

Bearfacedchic Tue 02-Jul-13 16:08:05

I forgot to say, that's good about the blast Lesley.

CaipirinhasAllRound Fri 05-Jul-13 07:04:03

Sorry to hear about your am I aren't I and good luck at the end of the month
How are you Lesley?
Hope everyone else is ok. My ivf drugs are being delivered this morning and because I'm not down regging this time, it's just tablets and pessaries.

enjoy the lovely warm weekend xx

LesleyKnope Mon 08-Jul-13 16:26:39

How are you all?
Has the UK gone Murray mad?
Sorry to hear about your 'am I aren't I' bear that's really cruel. Hope your appt with the Dr is helpful.
How are you doing caipirinhas, hopefully making the most of the cocktails before you start?
Not great here to be honest, although he finally talked to me a bit tonight - he seems to be freaking out that he loves me but isn't in love with me anymore. He doesn't want to come on holiday in sept anymore (we had a friend's wedding, were going to go to a F1 race then my brother's 40th) - he says just the thought of it stresses him out & it's more than he can cope with.
One minute we're just hanging out watching tv like normal the next I'm scared rigid he's going to divorce me. I've just got to somehow find the strength to give him some space & pray he sorts his head out & we get past this. He seems pretty committed to going to his counsellor once a week at least.

Bearfacedchic Mon 08-Jul-13 17:03:08

Oh Lesley, I just typed out a whole message to you, but lost it because the frickin' broadband stopped working. Anyway, I'm so sorry this is happening and wish I could say something to make you feel better. thanks At least he's going to his counsellor. I know it might sound terrible, but maybe you could go on holiday without him and it might give him the time and space he needs? I don't know if that's a stupid suggestion or not, but you'll know for yourself. I'm confused and sad for you. How does he wake up one day and suddenly realise he's not in love with you? Is he just freaking out because it isn't the can't-stop-thinking-about-you kind of love? I'd try to reassure him that love changes and develops in different ways. You've both been going through a really rough time with TTC - it definitely takes its toll. Maybe you just need to go together to counselling separate to that which he does on his own?

Hang in there Lesley, and I know he needs his space, but you also need to be part of the process. If you love him, you need to fight to hold onto him, so don't be squeezed out IYSWIM.

I'm sorry if any of this isn't the right thing to say, but you will know best what is right in your situation. x

notnowImreading Wed 10-Jul-13 07:08:08

Hi Lesley, hope you are hanging in there. You sound as though you are being incredibly strong and loving under very difficult circumstances.

Only you know your husband but I thought I would pop in with a word from my own recent experience and hope it helps - I really would make sure that you go to counselling together.. An individual counsellor has absolutely nothing invested in helping you to keep your relationship going and will focus on helping your DH to work out what he wants/feels/really is deep down. This might (if he goes down a similar path to my husband, which I really hope he doesn't) give him the weekly opportunity to detach his priorities from your priorities as a couple and to talk himself into dissatisfaction with everything. You might have more strength and resilience than me to cope with that. I found that the more my husband focused on himself, the more he withdrew from the relationship. If you go to counselling together, that's where the focus will be and it might help you deal with things as a team. Just don't think that his going to counselling will get him to 'sort himself out' and come round to your way of thinking (which is what I naively thought it would do when I encouraged my husband to go). It's actually been a disaster for our relationship, although my husband really values it for himself and thinks it is great. It helps him to think that what he's doing is being true to himself rather than behaving like a massive shitbag to me.

I really hope I haven't overstepped the mark here - you and your DH understand your situation far better than I ever could and must make your own decisions. I'm just quite raw about the counselling thing at the moment and there seem to be a few parallels between our situations, although yours is eminently more saveable than mine. Really wishing you luck and strength through all of this. You've already avoided my first mistake, which was to cry 'deal breaker' and run off to my mum's when he first started saying 'no babies'. Well done for that - you've been so self-controlled and sensible, I really admire you for it.

Bearfacedchic Wed 10-Jul-13 11:57:56

How are you doing now, Notso?

notnowImreading Wed 10-Jul-13 19:24:28

I'm alright, thanks Bear. Weird, but managing. I don't seem to have gone mental, which was my biggest fear - my closest friend has utterly unravelled in the aftermath of her split from her shitbag ex-husband (who really is a shitbag, not just misunderstood) and she is the first person I know to have got divorced so I was afraid that depression or outright lunacy were my two options in this situation but it doesn't seem to have kicked in. I'm not jumping for joy or anything though! You okay?

Bearfacedchic Fri 12-Jul-13 19:15:54

I'm glad you're coping, Notnow. I'm sure that at some point you will feel a bit better and gradually it will get easier, I'm sure. Be good to yourself. FWIW you sound very together and lucid; you sound strong. In a weird way, at least you have someone who knows what you're going through, although I hope I'm not being patronising in saying, do remember that you need support as much as she does and if you can't get it from her, then do look elsewhere. I hope your friend gets through it though.

I'm okay, thanks. Just chugging towards our referral appointment and trying to avoid babies and discussion about babies as much as possible, but it isn't easy.

Take care of yourself, Notnow and do keep posting (if you want to). It's good to hear how you're getting on.

Caip Sun 14-Jul-13 10:15:16

notnow sounds like you're doing really well and are strong.
Bear the waiting is awful isn't it. It can't be too much longer now and fingers crossed it's a satisfactory appointment. We came out of the very first consultants meeting having been told that DH should buy me flowers and that I should read up on subjects which interest DH so that we could have good conversations. It was like marriage guidance from the 1950s!
lesley really hope you're ok and that your husband is talking more

I'm a mess at the moment. I took the plunge finally and have got a new job, handed my notice in on Thursday. We had a company day out on Friday and I had the CEO, the top dog of my bit of the company and my boss's boss (also a friend) all trying to talk me into staying and offering me the chance to discuss what kind of role they could create for me bla bla. All too late as I told my boss's boss I was bored over a year ago. She knows about TTC and so was saying the new company wouldn't have to have me back after maternity etc, even though the new company know all about IVF. Anyway, I was so sure I'd made the right decision but now I'm starting to worry I have. dH believes I have.
I've also been waiting for AF. I needed a scan on day 1 or 2 to see if my cyst had gone before starting IVF drugs on day 2 and I'm so pissed off as AF arrived with gusto yesterday afternoon - CD22 - which means I need a scan and to start drugs today, but it's Sunday. I have a scan booked for the morning which I booked yesterday morning when I was just spotting but it'll be too late if I don't start drugs today but I have no idea what dosage I'm meant to take, guess they were going to go through it at the scan. I've left a message and am waiting for them to call.
If I can't start today but the cyst has gone I'll be so annoyed. It also means it won't all be over before starting the new job. If I do it next cycle I'll prob have to push back the start date of my job or I'll need to put IVF back
Feel like I've fucked up trying to do too much

Sorry, very long and not very serious in the grand scheme of things but my head's a mess. Plus the only person I know going through infertility is my boss's boss who is trying to talk me out of the new job because it makes her life easier so I can't vent to her


LesleyKnope Mon 15-Jul-13 10:17:52

Hi all!

Thanks for all the words of wisdom - I really appreciate it as my head feels like it's an absolute mess. Just a big ball of cotton wool and abject fear.

notnow - I echo others in that you sound incredibly strong & brave. I think you're right that individual counselling may be pushing him down a similar route to your husband. He seems increasingly to be making decisions just based on him. We have a session together on Saturday & I'm going to start to be more assertive about fixing this 'together'. He has a session right now on his own & I feel sick already worrying if they'll be any more revelations!

I would def done the same as you & ran home, if only home wasn't 9000 miles away! So not brave at all, just stranded ;)

How's your living & work situ going? Any more investigations on egg freezing?

caip - how did your scan go? Hoping one day won't make much difference. I've started meds on CD3 before. All v stressful though. Congrats on the new job! V flattering your current employers are desperate to keep you but I wouldn't let it sway you. You made the decision to apply/move, do trust your considered, rational plan & don't let their emotional blackmail divert you. Maybe the stress/distraction of a new job is just what you need to get lucky this time?

bear thanks for all the advice & support. I am going to take a trip without him (I can't miss my brother's 40th) but bit of a sad scary prospect if I'm still unsure where I stand by then... Hope time starts flying to your appt.


Caip Mon 15-Jul-13 13:53:29

I'm hoping it all works out well for you Lesley

I started the medication yday and have just had a call to say I can carry on despite the cyst still being there. So yday's outburst was unnecessary!

Bearfacedchic Mon 15-Jul-13 16:19:38

Oh I'm glad it's worked out okay with the IVF/cyst situation Caip. I agree with Lesley that they're just messing with your emotions in trying to get you to stay. If you already let them know you were bored and they did nothing about it then, then maybe they wouldn't do anything if you stayed either. They've had their chance . . . although it is quite flattering nonetheless. grin

Lesley - I hope you're making some headway with DH. thanks Good on you for taking the trip, but yes, I understand why you'd want this resolved or at least just progressing in the right direction before you leave. Hang in there. x

notnowImreading Thu 18-Jul-13 22:36:53

Interesting chat with the doctor yesterday about the idea of freezing some eggs - apparently there have been no live births from defrosted eggs yet in the UK! She said that the freezing technology is very good now but the defrosting technology is still pretty bad. She suggested that if I really wanted to go ahead with a cycle I could use donor sperm and freeze embryos, which have a much better chance of success. She also said my ovarian reserve is okay and that I shouldn't find any/much change in a year so I should leave it for a bit and see where life takes me and make up my mind once I've had a bit of time to think.

So I'm going to spend the money on a trip to Australia to see my friend from uni in August. Lesley, what's the weather like in Sydney at that time of the year? Is it jumper cold or coat cold or is it actually quite warm? I've realised I have absolutely no idea about how people live in Australia except from 1990s episodes of Neighbours and it always looks grey but no one wears coats in that.

Caip Sun 21-Jul-13 21:04:04

Wow, never knew that about egg freezing!
Oz sounds like a fab plan, you'll have a great time

LesleyKnope Mon 22-Jul-13 04:26:56

Really surprised about egg freezing - I assumed it would be similar to ivf. When random googling I found a few interesting blogs in it but mainly from US.
Great idea on Oz trip! It will be pretty cold at night so def bring a coat. But not uk cold - maybe 18 degrees in the day but 10 overnight & houses aren't built for it - rubbish insulation, no double glazing & no central heating. September is start of spring so you might be lucky & get a few beach days but you can def have a blast sightseeing, checking out bars etc & the beaches are sometimes even better on a blustery day viewed from a bar with a large glass of red!
caip how are the meds going?
Monday morning here - v unmotivated. Let the cat sleep in bed with me last night as it was freezing but she walked on my face about every half hour!
Hope you all had fab weekends!

notnowImreading Wed 24-Jul-13 12:34:21

It's my wedding anniversary today - feeling very sorry for myself. Tell me nice things about Australia or good news or just gossip to cheer me up?

LesleyKnope Wed 24-Jul-13 14:07:33

Sending you flowers, wine and hugs notnow.

Today I booked flights to Melbourne for a weekend at the end of August - going to see a friend I haven't seen for 6 years! $500 I don't have but decided it's worth every penny.

And right now I'm drinking a large glass of red & my kitten is fast asleep. Not v interesting or exciting I'm afraid but it's all I've got right now.

Will try to think of some better more distracting goss! Take care xx

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