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mid 30s, TTC #1, 2 years so far, fed up. anyone else?

(1000 Posts)
CaipirinhasAllRound Fri 13-Jan-12 18:51:14

Just wondering how many of us there are in the same boat

notnowImreading Thu 07-Mar-13 21:10:32

No worries Bearface. Can't stand it when people fuss about innocent choices of word! Dsis is a lot better today - blood transfusion seems to have done her a lot of good. The good news is that they managed to save her ovary and it should be fully functional. Big relief all round. Thanks for the good wishes.

missbrightside Fri 08-Mar-13 09:37:04

Hello Girls

Good news about your sister Not Now. Yes, 24 is far too young to be in the shitboat.

Lesley Will be sending positive vibes across the miles for you today x

Hello to everyone else !

Right - had my Hysto & Lap yesterday. The consultant is going to call me today with a debrief (she had left the hospital by the time I came round from the anaesthetic). Don't think they did anything particularly major - but do know that they found and removed a cyst on my left ovary (how that has never been seen in any scan I have no idea !). Anyhow, don't want to worry you about it Not Now as know you have yours coming up but will say I think the consultant was being a bit optimistic by saying that I'd be 'absolutely fine' the next day. I've called in sick today as am feeling a bit fragile and am going to have a VERY lazy day ..... (nothing that a bit of Jeremy Kyle won't cure !)

Right - nearly the weekend again ! Where do the weeks go to ?


Bearface Fri 08-Mar-13 09:46:38

That's good news Notso - I'm really pleased for your sister. Yes, I hate fussing over words too, but I do find that some people on here can be a little sensitive and I don't wish to upset anyone.

Glad it went well for you MissB - hope the results are good for you when the consultant rings. Take it easy today.

missbrightside Fri 08-Mar-13 09:58:38

Thank you Bearface Hope you are well.

Yes, some people are far too sensitive. I like to have a look at Am I Being Unreasonable just to cheer myself up sometimes because it's funny what people get all in a tizz about ! because obviously I am never unreasonable about anything !!


Bearface Fri 08-Mar-13 10:14:23

Ditto Miss B! It's a good hobby for a day off like today! grin Hope you're enjoying JK.

notnowImreading Fri 08-Mar-13 22:05:07

I thought that might be what it was like, Brightside. Hope you are feeling a bit brighter now and enjoyed a bit of enjoyment at the expense of the poor/mad on JK. There's nothing like it to make you feel better about your own life!

Bearface, I once asked 'am I being mental?' on a thread and got loads of very earnest tellings off from good-hearted people. It was like being savaged by butterflies.

Bearface Sat 09-Mar-13 17:47:53

grin Notnow - 'savaged by butterflies'!

Bearface Sat 09-Mar-13 18:00:17

Having a bit of a down today. Just got news that we are more than likely going to need IVF. We had a letter from the consultant re: DH's varicocole which is going to refer us to a fertility clinic, which I know is a good thing, but the letter basically suggested IVF would be most likely.

I feel really sad that we don't seem to be able to conceive naturally and I really don't want to have IVF, but then if there's no other way . . .

I'm also a bit concerned about the amount of time it seems to take as I don't really want to take time off work, but it seems unavoidable. I don't think I'll be able to tell them either as it's a faith school that I know would disapprove.

My BMI is currently 26 so I'm going to need to work on that as well I guess.

I know lots of you folks on this thread are much further along this particular line than I am, so I don't want to be self-pitying and self-absorbed, but how do you ladies who are in this situation cope with it all? Should I just take it one step at a time? Any advice would be really, really appreciated. Thanks!

notnowImreading Sat 09-Mar-13 19:20:09

I don't really want IVF either and it has taken me about a year to get my head around it. We have had quite a few other tests and treatments in the time since realising that we probably needed help to conceive and actually I think that's helped me - small steps and time to get more emotionally ready for it all.

I don't know what my advice would be; I know that I needed to give myself time to deal with it all. On the other hand, if we had got on with it all as soon as we had the idea, we might have a baby by now. Just see how you go, I guess.

missbrightside Sun 10-Mar-13 17:20:38

Sorry you have had a down day Bearface. Have a cup of brew !

We are on the brink of embarking on our third round of IVF and - if I'm totally honest - I STILL haven't got my head round to accepting that we need it. I'm not sure that I ever will to be honest. The first time I saw reference in my medical notes to me being 'infertile' I nearly blew a gasket angry. Despite the fact that in four years all we have to show for it are two miscarriages and two failed IVF's I still fail to accept that we have 'serious' problems and that we won't have a baby. Deluded ? Maybe ?

My own coping mechanism has been to tell almost no one about the IVF. This includes both our parents or anyone at work. Not for everyone I know - but it has allowed life to plod on as 'normal' on the surface. In fact the one regret I have is telling my 'best' friend about it. I really wish I hadn't (but that's probably more for an 'Am I Being Unreasonable' topic !!)

The first two rounds I used mainly annual leave to cover my absence. But this time round I'm going to get sick leave for it all. Does help that I'm sick of my job and have let my career just slip away from me and so don't give a damn (but that's probably an Am I Being Unreasonable too !)

(I've just read this post back and it wasn't supposed to be as long and miserable as it is !)

Honestly, you'll be fine xx

notnowImreading Sun 10-Mar-13 19:08:03

You see, I'm the opposite about telling people - I've told pretty much everyone: family, friends and work. It's been great and has stopped most people asking questions, although I now get some quite detailed questions occasionally, mostly from those who have had some personal experience or an interest in science/medicine. It makes my conversations about it all reassuringly practical and scientific rather than all those awful 'soooo, when are you guys going to have kids then? Don't leave it too long tick tock tick tock' comments. I've been overwhelmed by the support and sensitivity people have shown, actually. Except my mum, but she's behaving herself now, having been soundly told off a few months ago.

Bearface Mon 11-Mar-13 10:39:03

Thanks Notnow and MissB - I'm so sorry for you having to go through it all. It's such a horrible feeling (in my opinion). Thanks for sharing your thoughts about it. It does help and I don't feel as isolated.

Some of my friends know that we've been having investigations, and I told SIL because she kept making inappropriate comments and I was worried I might explode at her one day. She was much better once I told her thankfully. DH hasn't told his friends though and I don't blame him. Not that I don't think they'd be supportive or understanding, but it's more his male pride I guess. I feel similar in that I don't want to admit 'we're not the same as everyone else' - same as you said MissB. I can see why y

Bearface Mon 11-Mar-13 10:49:26

Bloody messge posted before I'd finished. Gah!

As I was saying, I can see why you feel that way MissB - I would blow a gasket too if I saw that on my records. Irrational to some maybe, but rage-inducing too. I really feel for you.

I really, really won't be telling my mum as she doesn't believe in IVF (pro-life Christian) and I feel that MIL may be the same, so I don't think we should tell them at all. That makes it quite hard, but at the same time I think self-preservation always has to be key in this 'game'.

I start a new job in Sept. and so will have lots of school holidays to be able to fit treatment into, so hopefully won't have to tell work.

As I said on another thread this am, it's weird but the idea of DH and I with our own baby seems to slipping further away. Even more bizarrely, I don't feel grief-stricken about it like I thought I would. Maybe it's just another means of self-preservation for my mind? I don't know. confused

Thanks for all the advice - it really is of great help and support to me. Thinking of you all who are going through this. thanks

Dreamy33 Mon 11-Mar-13 17:56:04

Hi all! I've not written anything for a while but have been keeping up with all your news and decided it was about time I stopped lurking and did something!

Some of you have had a really tough time lately. There really must be some good luck coming our way soon!

My DH always says that when really shitty things happen, it's how you deal with it that counts (I think that's his way of saying don't be such a cow!). Well, when I'm feeling positive, I rather like that thought but not today! Highlights of this morning included two people at work announcing they're expecting meanwhile my AF started. On top of that, I've just received another appointment letter from hospital which falls during work time so another awkward conversation ensues (I'm like you Bearface, a teacher who is reluctant to share our issues with others for various reasons!).

This may sound odd, but I feel that this whole 'situation' we find ourselves in is a bit surreal, like it's not really me. It was never meant to be this way but like you said Bearface, I am also increasingly accepting that our dream of having a baby of our own may not happen. Not in an upsetting way, just that we've given it our best shot.

Never meant for this to be depressing. I'll go back to lurking until I have something more positive to say!!!! grin

CaipirinhasAllRound Mon 11-Mar-13 19:30:10

Hi all

I'm the opposite, am feeling more down than ever about it seeming less likely to happen. DH was telling me that we'll still have great lives, full of amazing experiences and we'll always have people round us just different people maybe instead of kids, which I appreciate but I'd be so sad not to have children.
I'm nowhere near giving up, but as long as we still hope we've still in limbo, ie have to keep decent jobs, save etc on the off chance. If it's really not going to happen I think we'd travel again, sell up and buy a smaller place on the coast and try our luck at our own business. No idea when you make that call though and say enough is enough


Bearface Tue 12-Mar-13 08:23:50

Hugs to you Caipirinhas. I'm not really near giving up; I guess it just for sanity that my mind makes me think I am for self-preservation IYSWIM? Basically, I'm kidding myself because I find it easier to be that way than face the hurt and upset of maybe not ever having a child.

I don't know when you make that call either about moving on, etc. It's a really tough position to be in if you want to do something else but can't take the risk for financial reasons. Would you ever consider just doing it anyway regardless of TTC? I know what you mean about money, but then at least you'd feel like you were living your life for you. Maybe I don't know what I talking about though. Hope you're feeling better today Cai.

Bearface Tue 12-Mar-13 08:24:50

Sorry - so many typos! Bad thumbs!

CaipirinhasAllRound Thu 14-Mar-13 18:45:43

I've solved the wanting kids thing! I stayed at my sister's last night and my niece and nephew were really bloody annoying
Ta-da! Sorted!

missbrightside Thu 14-Mar-13 20:44:42

Waaaahhh .... that can't be the answer ! I haven't got any !! (I'm an only child and DP's sister isn't likely to have any .... ) In fact - we have a small completely childless family !!!

Hope everyone is well xx

notnowImreading Sun 17-Mar-13 16:34:31

Shit shit and double shit.

notnowImreading Sun 17-Mar-13 16:36:07

DH and I have been away for the weekend thrashing out many, many issues in our marriage, the most important of which is that he is no longer sure that he wants children at all. We're on the point of splitting up.

CaipirinhasAllRound Sun 17-Mar-13 19:05:08

Oh shit notnow, really sorry
Has this come out of the blue?

Really hope you can sort it xxxx

notnowImreading Sun 17-Mar-13 19:38:49

I guess not quite out of the blue. I just haven't been listening. He's just begged me not to leave him. I'm staying for now (not least because I need him to look after me following lap and hysto). Counselling beckons, methinks. I urge the rest of you to get some sorted out before you get to this point (which I hope you never reach) because I arrogantly assumed I knew that DH would do anything for me. That's probably not the way to go about planning a family, even if it were true. sad

LesleyKnope Mon 18-Mar-13 05:22:19

Shit notnow!!! My husband & I have been close to breaking up a few times over last couple of years, I'm not sure you can overestimate how long term ttc changes you as a person or as a couple. Really hope you can get a good counsellor & work through it all. Does he think he doesn't want kids full stop or he doesn't want them through assisted conception or because of the stresses it's already put on the relationship? TMI alert but basically my husband stopped wanting to have sex with me over a year ago, he'll initiate now around the time I'm ovulating but that's it - he's interested in making a baby but lost all passion, meanwhile I'm desperate to get that side of our relationship back on track -mainly cos I miss it desperately but also cos it would help him get what he wants! We're g

LesleyKnope Mon 18-Mar-13 05:26:05

Bloody phone angry! We're going to see someone this Saturday but we've tried it before & not got v far. He says it'll get back to normal once the pressure's off I.e once we have a baby. I'm not sure I can wait anymore as that may not ever happen.
Sending you wine and flowers notnow. Look after yourself & keep us posted on how you go working things out.

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