planning...... hysterical & premature or sensible

[Signet2012]

Has anyone else looked into everything such as:

1. how will you pay bills on maternity
   
2. child care options on going back to work.
   
3. house storage? what needs to change prior to baby and started making changes
   
4. discussions around DP and yourselfs opinions on discipline, religion, baby routines/not routines
   
5. looked into what you might need for a baby and checked budget accordingly
   
6. discussed change a baby would make to a relationship and how this would be dealt with etc.
   
   I was having a conversation with my friend who said "im being completely premature" in thinking of all of this.... Surely this is the kind of thing you need to have at least discussed before TTC. I like a plan A,B-Z incase things go wrong. Im aware you can't plan for every eventuality but surely a bit of a discussion about the more important things is needed?
   
   My worst nightmare would be falling pregnant then realising actually I cant afford the mortgage on mat leave, partner wants to smack kids I don't, oh wait we need a full nursery, the house needs sorting out as we have no room for baby stuff, oh and by the way partner has no idea of what a baby means to us time, long lie ins and spontaneous get away and now Im pregnant he decides he doesnt want this!
   
   Im not saying its all I talk about but I did kind of discuss this kind of thing with my partner before we actively decided to TTC. Rather than wait til Im 4 months gone and suddenly be faced with 3 months to sort it all out?!
   
   Am I being hysterical and ridiculous? Bit :( that friend seemed to think so

[crazyhead]

I don't think it is hysterical to plan stuff, and I think personally that it depends a lot on temperament really - who is to say what is right or wrong?

In our case we certainly had a look at my maternity policy made sure that we had enough money etc before ttc, and if budgets are tight this is clearly particularly sensible.

All I would say to you is that if you are a bit of a planner, the whole ttc and pregnancy thing can be a shock to the planning system, particularly if it takes a while, so try to bear that in mind as well and try to retain a slightly laid back edge for the sake of your own sanity....

[Signet2012]

Thanks crazy, Im not so anal as Ive gotten older but some things are kind of important to me in regard to the security of house, if partner and I are on the same page etc.

I think Im getting all my worries a solution now in the hope I wont be so neurotic when I actually fall PG :)

I dont know why I flap so much because when the reality hits good or bad Im always very logical and calm!

Lets hope it stays that way!

[KatAndKit]

It's not entirely hysterical, but most people don't plan in that level of detail, and you know what? They cope just fine, they deal with these things as they come up.

Stick to the important stuff like finances and how you would cope during your maternity leave. Don't worry about how to childproof your home until you have a baby who is learning to crawl! You don't need to budget a lot for buying stuff for a baby either. You can get a pram second hand and a cot for £30 from ikea. You don't need a £3000 mega budget to spend in Babies R Us.

Discussions about important stuff like religion when bringing up a child is important, and your feelings about really important matters of principle (education, smacking, etc) are worth having. But there is no point having discussions about the hypothetical baby's sleeping and feeding routine until it is actually born, or at least on its way.

[Signet2012]

Its not so much child proofing as opposed to where would it go.... :) currently have a two bedroomed house with one room as an office for DP as he works from home permanently. Certain parts of the house are unsafe and cost money to sort which we wont have once Im on mat leave. (electrical wires dangling in kitchen and dodgy electrics etc)

Ive budgeted 800 pound for start up for nursery all odds and sods and stuff - hoping to have change left over too.

glad DP and I are on same wave length around smacking and whether to actively pursue religion etc as those would be big issues if we didnt agree.

routines have been discussed in the way of if you believe in routines or not etc. both agree there too so thats all good.

It seems to be a topic of conversation alot and we are hoping to be pg soon, if we arent then thats fine too.

I think its just something we keep talking about, MN plays a bit part on this as Ive learnt so much from here and telling DP what people say and it tends to start a conversation.

No doubt it will all go on the way side when I actually get BFP!!

[mytime777]

Hope u dont mind me jumping in...?
I too am a compulsive planner! My brain feels calm and relaxed when a plan is in place. My Oh is the polar opposite. He chills me out to a degree but I just can't help it.
We did have a conversation about money, mat pay, returning to work , car etc ( without being pregnant) but when itson paper there are so many ifs, buts and maybes. We felt if we go by all of that we would never try and start a family as there will always be 'something'.

I agree with a poster below ( sorry can't see name as I'm on my phone), people cope and you do things/ change things to make it work. ( maybe easier said than done though ...

[VeniVidiVino]

Def not hysterical to think about budget and check out mat pay etc. Sensible to have chats about the more contentious issues you mention such as smacking and religion; DH and I have done rough budget and continue to discuss different issues when they arise (generally after visiting people who have kids already). It is sensible, but most importantly if it makes you feel happy and secure about your decision to TTC then it's totally worth it!

[horseylady]

No not discussed any of those things reallly!! I know we would be ok finacially, I would probably want to get someone to help with the horses, but in terms of bringing the child up we both believe in similar things and I don't think there would be many issues. I am not a big list builder or big planner, and I kind of just go with the flow......

[eurochick]

Checking the finances work is very sensible. If you didn't know already, talking about "big" issues such as religious upbringing with your partner is good. But otherwise I take the view that things will fall into place somehow.

[CherryPie3]

It's good to have the option to discuss it and plan things but it doesn't all go tits up if you fall pregnant by accident and you've never spoken about it. I was 19 when I got upduffed with dd and my now dh was just 17! We were scared bloody sh*tless but it was fine . Dd is now almost 7 and has 2 younger brothers. We're not rich by any means but dh earns enough for me to be a sahm now, with my first 2 babies I was back at work within weeks! Ds2 is almost 17m.

Sorry waffled on a bit didn't I?

In short... Have a plan but expect it to change unexpectedly. Kids do that to you

[alexeliza]

Hi Signet
I'm definitely a planner - it usually gives me a sense of "doing" something whilst I'm waiting.
DH and I are due to start ttc at the end of December, and we have had several conversations around finances, child care, our ideas on upbringing, discipline etc. I'm not so naieve as to think I can plan for everything, but I'd like to have at least an idea of what I'm getting into..... But that's just me and what I'm like. I can just as easily understand that other people would be more chilled and let things work out as they happen.

[Signet2012]

Im pleased. Im not the only planner!

Most things Im pretty relaxed about but otherwise I like to have a plan. At the very least a rough kind of path.

[raspberrytipple]

I'm afraid I'm a bit of a planner too, weve looked at finance and DH worked out everything based on his wage alone. The shock on his face when I said we'd be getting money from my employer for 6 weeks then statutory pay of about £100 or so a week anyway was fabulous, plus other benefits - he was gobsmacked. But it is worth discussing just so you don't feel stressed. I asked a friend of mine how they managed with such an upheaval and she said 'well, you just do'. Itll be fine once baby arrives

[fraktious]

I planned done of that before we got married!

6 I wish we'd talked about more though.

Some, like housing, we can't control but can change more easily than most by complaining to DH's work. Your housing entitlement changes with each child anyway so we know that if we had another this posting we'd move, if I'm pregnant when we're posted on they'll plan for that etc which is good.

But finances and views in childrearing are important.