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Cant help my Disappointment....

(14 Posts)
mytime777 Sun 16-Oct-11 09:50:28

Reluctant partner finally said for us to perhaps stop using contraception so I get my hopes up then when we get intimate he opts for the condoms. I can't help but feel disappointed. Feel ready for it! I don't have anything in common with a lot of our friends as they are all married, with children and all they seem to talk about is pregnancy, babies, engagement, weddings and I feel I can't get involved in any of it as it's mot relevant to me.
I thought my time was finally coming but looks like he's having second thoughts. I can't help but feel a little rejected , he's not a massive fan of marriage either. I try to hide my feelings but can't a this wanting feeling won't go away. He asks whats wrong and I tell him so he knows but it gets to the stage where I can't keep going on about it ...
What Should i do?
Can't talk to anyone as don't want people to know we may be ttc! Should I stop talking about it?
I feel I'm not in control of my life as basically it's up to him when we ttc, get engaged , married etc!
Help?

AlpinePony Sun 16-Oct-11 09:56:04

Don't go looking for 'anyone' to talk to, there's only one person you need to talk to.

You're not ttc BTW.

You need a serious talk with your partner and the bottom line is that you may need to move on (as horrible and scary as it is) and find someone who wants to shout from the rooftops that you're his wife and that when you ttc he offers to buy the supplements, worries about tight pants, hot baths and all of that.

Right now you're using contraception and getting no commitment. How do you think that's going to look in 2020?

PopcornMouse Sun 16-Oct-11 10:04:48

I agree with alpine, all excellent points.

You need to sit down together and discuss what you both want, and where you each see yourselves in 10 years. If he sees himself unwed and childless and you're dying for 2.4 kids, well...........

Xx

LimeFlower Sun 16-Oct-11 10:05:58

I feel I'm not in control of my life as basically it's up to him when we ttc, get engaged , married etc!
Look what you've written above.Everything up to him?No,it's you that makes a choice to be with him and wait forever until he changes his mind.He might change his mind or he might not.
You must have a serious talk to your partner.It's not only about his life,it's about yours as well.You need to know where do you stand-set the (reasonable) timeline or...walk away before it's too late to find somebody more decisive.How will you feel in the future if you miss your chance to have a family because you stayed with the guy that was "reluctant" and kept you stalling?

mytime777 Sun 16-Oct-11 10:26:04

We had the 'chat' about where we saw our selves in 5 years, what we both wanted careerwise, family wise etc. He does want children, this did come up I just think he wants to do other things first as a priority. I have already changed My 'plans' ( the ones you make when your a child gazing willingly into your future ). I wanted to be married first before I had children but due to money etc thought ' I can get married at any age' but can't have children at Any age so came around to the idea of children first. It always seems to be me driving things forward until when he said we should stop using contraception as I was always talking about starting a family but just feels like he is back tracking again.
I really want him to want to shout from the roof tops that I am his wife, fiancé etc and do feel sometimes that I am abit hard done by! We've been together years and I love him and can't imagine not being with him- I know we do want the same things I just think it's timing: were not thinking in the same time frames I guess. He's older than me too and I remind him that if we wait e will be an old dad which I know he doesn't Wantvto be.
Sittng around the table last week I am the oldest out if the ladies yet all were romantically proposed to, all are married, all have babies! I have a Mortage!

Plus to make things Worse I hate My job an thought well I can bear it for another year or so if I am pregnant etc but now thought of doing it for the forseeable depresses me. sad

AlpinePony Sun 16-Oct-11 10:33:23

He's older than you? Sorry to be blunt but if he wanted children, he'd have them already. Especially given you've been together years.

And why the hell when you're in bed are you not saying 'er condom? Do you need sex ed lessons?'.

I was 34 when I met my partner, I didn't hide the fact I wanted commitment and children. We are expecting our second child when I'm 38.

I got to a stage in life where I knew what I wanted, I knew I didn't want to do it alone so I made it a mission to find a man who was on the same page as me. Believe me, there are tons of men out there who want to settle down and have children.

I totally get that work can grind you down too. Stop comparing yourself to your friends, you need to live your life for you and stop pandering to this man and your friends.

mytime777 Sun 16-Oct-11 10:45:22

I don't understand your point regarding condoms and sex ed!??
confused

AlpinePony Sun 16-Oct-11 10:48:17

In your first post you said you are ttc, but are using condoms. This is a fundamental failure to understand reproduction.

mytime777 Sun 16-Oct-11 10:52:10

We had the chat that we were going to forget about contraception then when getting down to it he reached for the condoms!! Hence my confusion/ reasonfor being upset and hence my posting!

Obviously I am not that stupid!

eurochick Sun 16-Oct-11 16:21:29

Read Pony's post again. She was suggesting that you say that to him because using condoms is fundamentally incompatible with ttc!

TryLikingClarity Sun 16-Oct-11 17:59:56

What age are you OP??

When he reaches for the condoms just tell him that you both agreed to ttc.

At the end of the day, you and he are both in charge of what is happening, you both need to be on the same page.

Are you happy overall with the relationship? Is this the man you want to marry and be with forevertime?

KatAndKit Sun 16-Oct-11 19:11:28

If he is using condoms then he doesn't want to have a baby. He has possibly said something about ttc to you to keep you sweet and prevent you from having serious talks and possibly leaving. But if he meant what he said he would go through with it. He clearly does not want to do that. He KNOWS that condoms are fundamentally incompatible with ttc.

It isn't all up to him. It is your life and it is up to you. You need to put the cards on the table about what you are expecting and be prepared to walk out if he can't give you what you need.

Discolite Sun 16-Oct-11 21:47:05

This story reminds me of one of my relatives. She has been married twice, and had two other long term relationships but none of her partners wanted children although she did (and she would've been a great mum). She's finally found a good bloke but now she's going through menopause sad

What happened to her made me end a long term relationship when I was nearly 28 - I knew my boyfriend didn't want children and I really, really did. You've got to ask yourself if he'll really commit to having children before you are too old (remember fertility nosedives after 35). What if he's finally ready in a few years but then you find you have trouble conceiving - will time be on your side?

I've now found someone who not only wants to marry me but wants to have a baby with me too. I'm glad I left my ex!

lozster Sun 16-Oct-11 22:19:26

heck OP - I feel like the replies above are very tough love! It's easy to say just leave him but the reality for most relationships is that we're in them for a variety of reasons - the whole family shebang, whilst a biggy, isn't the totality of why you are with someone. My experience of men is that whilst lots are totally clued up about what they want and where/how babies come from, lot's aren't. They are not bad or stupid, they just haven't had to immerse themselves in the world of fertility. Women with periods, smear tests and (often) contraceptive responsibility are confronted with aspects of fertility way more often than men. Many men don't get how long it can take to conceive, how age effects your chances etc. Sure you need to talk, perhaps educate him a bit and think about your future - you may even need some help from an organisation like Relate. Ultimately you may well need to part company if babies and marriage are key to you and not to him however don't write him off quite yet - keep on talking. It's human to have doubts, fears and worries but remember that you have a right too to ask what he is thinking and why he is reaching for the condoms. Do not shy away from asking for fear of ruining a 'moment' as this one has the potential to eat you up.

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