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How do I get myself out of this hole?!

(14 Posts)
Figaro82 Sun 18-Sep-11 14:41:11

Hi ladies,

I feel like I've hit rock bottom sad. I had a MMC in April and I've found it really hard to cope since. My due date is getting closer and closer and everyone I know is announcing their pregnancies. There are days when I literally can not stop crying sad. I've become really distant with my friends and family and I never want to go out. I hate feeling like this and I know it's effecting me ttc again, but I don't know how to stop sad. I've been to the doctors and all they would do for now is sign me off work. I don't want to be off work as I know I will mope and end up worse! Any advice would be greatly appreciated smile

MyGoldenNotebook Sun 18-Sep-11 15:36:07

Figaro I'm not sure that I can offer any advice but your post broke my heart. I'm so sorry for your loss and I think your desire for isolation is a perfectly natural reaction to a highly distressing situation. However, even though you feel this desire it might not be the best thing for you (which you clearly know). You need to acknowledge your feelings as understandable as you are grieving, but take little steps towards getting through this so you can enjoy life again. Are you sure there is no one in real life who you could talk to about this? Could you seek councelling?

Perhaps you could mark your due date by laying flowers in a special place or getting together with loved ones?

Sorry if I'm not much help. I'm sure other, wiser MNetters will be along soon.

greenzebra Sun 18-Sep-11 15:36:46

figaro82 Im so sorry to hear about your loss, that is so sad. It is very tough to come to terms with this sometimes. I lost my baby to stillbirth in April, I found my way of getting through stuff was to talk, talk to my DH and also I found this thread in the bereavement section and through that we started to post on here in the conception thread, we have all lost babies either to stillbirth or miscarraige and we help each other out. I think knowing that you are not alone is a big help. I think you may have posted on this thread?

I have tough days where I dont think I can function and other days where I am and then I think why am I doing ok today? And then I cry through being ok.

I find myself getting more and more distant from my mum, sometimes its like she is taking over my grief or telling me how to grieve.

Have you talked to your partner about how you feel?

hairylights Sun 18-Sep-11 15:51:17

I'm so sorry figaro. having suffered miscarriages I just want to tell you it does get easier. It's a very hard path to walk. If you go over to the miscarriage boards there is lots of support there.

Figaro82 Sun 18-Sep-11 16:10:32

Thank you ladies smile. Sounds silly, but just typing out how I feel makes me feel better. I was on the miscarriage thread for awhile and then moved off of it when I started feeling a lot better. Its only really been the last month where I have gone backwards sad.

My DF has been brilliant, but I feel that I am putting so much on him. Ive tried talking to friends and other people but they all say the same thing. It wasn't meant to be, it happens to lots of people, it will be you next etc. I know this sounds horrible, but when its happening to you then personally I don't find much comfort from the above. You feel like your in your own little bubble of sadness sad. I know its difficult for them as they don't know what to say, so I would rather not put them in that position.

I planted a rosebush when we lost the baby and its my little reminder smile.

I am due to ovulate this week and my DF has booked a holiday for the last week of the 2ww as that tends to be the hardest week!! I am so glad that I will have something to take my mind off of it and to help me relax!

I am thinking about having reflexology too as I am quite stressed with work, which doesn't help. Have any of you ladies tried it??

I am so sorry for your losses too sad. Thank you for the advice. It all helps.

PacificDogwood Sun 18-Sep-11 16:33:52

Hi, Figaro. I am very sorry for your loss.

IME different people (men and women) find different things helpful after a pregnancy loss. And there are no right or wrong strategies to help you move on from such a devestating experience.
First and foremost, be kind to yourself smile. You feel, how you feel, no need to justify it.

Here is what helped me:
- I think of my MCs to this day as 'lost pregnancies', not 'babies'. Mine were all mercifully before 10 weeks and not physically terrible.
- Early MCs are very very common, some suggest as common as 1:3 pregnancies will end in the first trimester - a MC does NOT mean there is anything wrong with me.
- a MC does not mean that I am not 'ment to be a mother'
- a MC often means that there was something wrong with the pregnancy and Nature pulled the emergency brake rather than letting it go ahead.
- the more I spoke about my MCs, the more people came out of the woodworks who had had similar problems. Their stories helped, particularly as the vast majority had gone one to have children.

OTOH, I have a friend who took her son (late MC sad) home, buried him in her garden and takes great comfort from remembering the date of his birth. Personally, that would not have been for me. But how do I know how I might have felt after a late loss? So no judgement here.

Much as there is no right way to feel, it does strike me that your loss is affecting you so profoundly several months after the event. Have you considered that your grief might have slipped into depression?
A good GP should be able to talk to you about this and offer a bit more than just time off work - time off is very valuable if it helps you, but if you feel you'd just have more time to dwell on things, then maybe not. Counselling? Consider ADs: they are not happy pills, they do not undo the past, but they are a possible tool to help you out of the Black Hole.

BTW, I started this reply about 2 hours ago, so apologies if others have already said what I am now repeating. I had to leave the computer to feed/change/mop up after DSs smile. So after 4 MCs, I too got lucky.

I really hope you feel better soon.

CakePigeon Sun 18-Sep-11 16:48:50

figaro I am really very sorry for your loss. I just wanted to echo what pacific advised and also to say that I found counselling to be great when I had a very difficult time of it 6 months ago and slipped into depression. Often the people close to you have their own take on it and need their own support too so having someone outside to talk to really helps. I ended up paying for private counselling as the GP referral would have taken 7 months, which was a shame! It is an expensive option and it isn't a quick fix but really it was the best decision I made.

montymum Sun 18-Sep-11 17:00:50

Hi figaro I have been thinking of you lots over the past couple of weeks, wondering how you are getting on. It sounds like you are really down and understandably so, totally agree that no amount of people telling you how common MC is, or how it wasn't meant to be is going to make you feel any better because it wasn't someone else it happened to it was you and you feel the pain. I think you are right about being signed of work making things worse, too much time for thinking. Keep talking to DF he sounds lovely enjoy the next couple of weeks as much as you can especially your holiday. Will be thikig of you.

Figaro82 Sun 18-Sep-11 17:23:29

Thank you Pacific and CakePigeon smile. I am afraid that there are times when I am bordering on depression. The other Sunday I locked myself in the bathroom for 3 hours and was constantly crying. Felt like an idiot after, but I got in such a state. My work provides a counselling service and you can have 6 sessions, which they will pay for and then a further 6 half price. I think I need to make myself do it, but I have always been a bit sceptical about counselling.

Hi Monty! I nearly posted on our old thread but decided againt it. How are you? I have 2 more weeks at work and thankfully they will be a busy 2 weeks and then I have 2 weeks off work, 1 of which will be in Vegas! My AF is due when we are away and we have agreed to take 1 test as I can be a POAS addict! The holiday will hopefully take my mind off of it smile.

Thank you so much ladies for taking the time out to respond to me. I know it probably sounds like a self pitty thread, but I just had to write something down!!

hairylights Sun 18-Sep-11 17:26:05

I found reflexology really great - it helped me enormously through some hard dark days as did meditation.

montymum Sun 18-Sep-11 17:39:39

I went on conception today just to see if you had written anything I was worrying about you! (sorry sound like I'm a stalker!). Have a fab time in Vegas- how exciting.

Figaro82 Sun 18-Sep-11 18:02:52

Thanks Hairylights. I am going to book a session in for this week I think.

Monty, I cant wait to go! Thank you for checking up on me! I did stay off here for a few weeks as I was trying to avoid anything to do with ttc!

louloubellamozzarella Sun 18-Sep-11 18:36:57

Hi Figaro... just read this thread and although I've not had any direct experience of MC thought I'd chip in in case I can be of any help.

You were talking about reflexology. Sounds like a good idea. However, I'd also recommend some massage therapy. When you're stressed and down, your body is going to be very tense - especially if you've been holding in sad feelings for a while. The right type of massage could really help you out I think smile I have tried Thai yoga massage which is a whole body massage which is relaxing but invigorating too. It really stretches out your whole body in an amazing way and always leaves me feeling light and positive afterwards.

Why not try some massage while you're away? It might help you to relax really nicely while you're on holiday. I'm sure plenty of places in Vegas will offer massage including in-hotel spas. Taking some time for yourself (you could sneak in a manicure and pedicure too!) could make you feel a bit more positive about things even for a little while.

Of course therapies like this are by no means the only way that you'll start feeling ok again - but I think they are often overlooked as 'added extras' after counselling etc - maybe if you start to ease up on some of your physical tension, this will helo to start release some of your mental tension too.

Hope that helps and take care.

kat2504 Sun 18-Sep-11 19:36:05

I'm so sorry. Remember April isn't that long ago really and a miscarriage takes time to get over. After my first one last year, I had a time after a month or so when I felt better for a while, and then a bit later quite a setback, after frustration of a few months failed ttc, and feeling like it was never going to happen, and other people having babies, and the due date coming up. I also had another MMC in April and that hit me very badly.
I am surprised that your GP was so little help. It sounds to me like you have some of the signs of depression and it is clearly affecting your day to day life.If it is getting really bad, ask to be referred for some grief counselling. Sometimes just talking it over with a sympathetic ear and voicing your true feelings can make a huge difference. There might be a miscarriage support group in your area, perhaps you could google it. I think you should take those free six sessions you can get from work as a starting point.
For some people anti depressants are a way of helping to get through the dark days. It won't change your unhappiness, but if you are depressed and it is making you unwell, medication can make you better able to take the steps you need to get better. Isn't the answer for everyone but is something to think about perhaps.

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