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Advice about friendship with infertile friend

(5 Posts)
ShoreditchMum Thu 08-Sep-11 21:16:45

i really need some good advice. I've been best friends with my friend A for 7 years. We've been through so much together, including the death of my previous partner and have had a wonderful friendship. Throughout our friendship she has done 6 rounds of IVF. I have donated eggs tp her once because she wasnt producing any - I love her that much and would do anything for her. Anyway, I got pregnant last year and had a baby in May. From the day I told her I got pregnant she's been weird, at best, or angry, at worst with me. Our friendship has really changed and I miss her so much. She's due to have what I suspect is her 'last chance' final round of IVF at the end of Sept. Our friendship has drifted so badly because she can't even look at my baby and I think she's angry with me because I had a baby. Shall I keep trying to help her? Do I have a right to feel resentful that she's being so odd, sometimes mean, to me. I know infertility is the most horrendous to deal with - I helped her with it for years, so am I now being unfair feeling angry that she's not being kind and supportive to me? It stresses me out so much. Any opinions so gratefully received.

havealittlefaithbaby Thu 08-Sep-11 22:04:52

Gosh that's a tough situation. Firstly you truly are a wonderful friend. Donating your eggs was a lovely thing to do. Infertility affects everyone differently. We've only?! been ttc for 22 months but we've known lots of people get pg easily and it is heart breaking. As a Christian, the only way I can handle it is by praying God will bless them. Until u read about doing that in a book, I was consumed with jealousy. Maybe you need to give your friend some space. You have a right to be upset by the way ages acting. It's not your fault you got pg.
I reckon time will tell as to whether she can put your friendship above her desire/jealousy for a baby....I really hope she can.

farfallarocks Thu 08-Sep-11 23:02:24

Goodness, what a LOVELY friend you are to do that for your friend. I don;t think you are unreasonable in being upset about how your friend is behaving. I can also understand the total irrational awfulness of resenting dear friends when they get pregnant easily though.

I had a miscarraige in June and at the same time a good friend told me she was pregnant with her 2nd. I felt so angry and like I had been punched in the stomach. I then felt awful for feeling like that.

We both had a good cry together about it all and I am now delighted for her. Someone on here (it might have been have actually) told me that when you feel envy the best thing to do it think of blessing that person and wishing the best for them. That really helped me.

I ended up talking to a counsellor about my feelings and she said it was a normal reaction, Miscarraige or IVF failure/infertility can provoke feelings similar to post traumatic strees. One of the issues with this is that pregnancy announcements or babies act as a reminder and bring you back to this hyper anxious state. That is probably what your friend is feeling.

Continue to go out with her, support her, perhaps see her solo on girls nights out etc. Its not personal, honestly, its just so all consuming for her at the moment I am sure.

LemonDifficult Thu 08-Sep-11 23:13:51

Tough situation and sad for you both.

I'm not sure of the best thing to do, but I don't think you should press her for friendship. I know it hurts but maybe just go gentle around her and maybe even give both of you distance and don't see her for a while.

The reason I think this might be the best thing for your friendship is that A will be trying to work through all her emotions and will need time to get to a stronger place - whether or not she has the longer-for baby. In the meantime there's a risk one or both of you might overreact, or say or do something that can't be undone in the future.

I definitely wouldn't ignore her, take her calls or answer her text messages, but don't initiate meeting up. She'll come back to you, I'm sure, because she'll know what a fab friend you are, she might just need time out.

eurochick Fri 09-Sep-11 10:18:30

I think all you can do it is give it time. If this IVF round doesn't work, then she will need to come to terms with that. When she has made her peace with it, she might be able to feel happy for you rather than sad for herself.

You are a lovely friend for donating eggs.

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