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My SIL has miscarried :(

(9 Posts)
Grumpla Tue 06-Sep-11 08:46:51

My lovely SIL has miscarried at 5/6 weeks. She and her partner (my sister) are devastated as am I. She has had her second scan and been told that the pregnancy has not fully come away (she has been bleeding for about 10 days) but that she has to wait another fortnight until a further scan / decision on a D&C. Is this normal? It seems so hard on her, she is already back at work and still bleeding. They were really hoping that it would all be 'over' yesterday sad

I am pregnant myself and she was only 2 months behind me. I am really worried about doing / saying the wrong thing to her & my sister. It makes me so sad, we were all so excited about having cousins so close together and now I feel like my baby is just going to make them feel worse. Is there anything I need to particularly make sure I do or don't do? I have never had a MC myself and don't want to make some hideous mistake. Any suggestions for how best to support them through this too, very gratefully received.

LIG1979 Tue 06-Sep-11 10:24:41

So sorry for your SIL and good you are being so caring. (My SIL was not so caring when I had a mc and seemed to want to rub my nose into it about her current baby and one on the way.....)

The wait is because early scans and conception dates can be out and so there are stories where the conception was later than planned or the early scan just didn't see what it should e.g. if the woman has a tilted uterus. Personally, I think it is also because if the woman mcs naturally it will save the NHS money as I was fairly sure about my dates and there was no way I was 4 weeks out as it would have meant I got a BFP before my conception date but they still made me wait 'just in case'.

In terms of what you can do/don't do....I think it is difficult as everyone reacts differently. I know hearing about my SILs pregnancy was difficult but then when things were kept from me to avoid hurting me it was also upsetting as I felt left out because of mc. I think one thing is to try not to moan when you are feeling sick, tired, fat, uncomfortable because whilst I am sure pregnancy can be tough I think most people would rather put up with them than go through a miscarriage.

It may be worth just seeing her on her own and explaining your concerns and asking her about it and how she wants you to behave - i.e. does she want you to talk about her pregnancy or not when she is around.

Also, maybe remember that whilst the initial pain of an mc will go and for everyone else the mc will be forgotten, but for her and her DP they may still be thinking of it months and years later. (My mc really upset my MIL and FIL as it reminded them of their mc's 30+ years ago.) When she gets near to her due date it will be particularly difficult.

Good luck and I am sure you will be fine as just taking the time to right the post shows how much you care x

Grumpla Tue 06-Sep-11 11:20:10

Thank you for your reply, I will take it all on board.

There can't be much leeway with conception dates as they were using donor sperm - it seems really unfair that they are going through this.

I am just dreading upsetting her when my baby is born, at that stage she should have been in her final trimester. They have been such brilliant aunties for my DS and taken so much pleasure from their relationship with him, it breaks my heart to think that this time round it will bring them sadness.

Do you think I should plan to mark her Due date in any way? A card or flowers or something? Or would that just make it worse?

MmeLindor. Tue 06-Sep-11 11:28:03

Sorry to hear this. You sound like a lovely caring sister.

I think that the decision to wait is a financial one, in UK. I had 3 m/cs in Germany/Switzerland and was always offered a D&C right away - in fact it was impressed on me that it was important to do one.

If she is worried, has a high temperature or feels unwell she should go straight to the doctor, to ensure that she does not have an infection.

There is not really anything you can do, other than be there for them. Let them take the lead with regard to your pregnancy, and don't be offended if she needs a bit of time before she sees you/your baby.

I did not mark my due dates, and would have been upset to have been given flowers or a card, but you can take their lead on that too.

Don't say anything like, "It was just not meant to be", or "Maybe next time" or "My friend's aunt's sister had 3 miscarriages and then went on to have a healthy baby". I know these are phrases are well meant, but I wanted to hit anyone who said that to me.

My favourite was a friend who said, "Well, that is just shit. Come and have a cuddle".

LIG1979 Tue 06-Sep-11 12:36:03

Just seen this....

Which is a nice story about how waiting can have a good outcome there is always a small chance it might be ok......

Grumpla Tue 06-Sep-11 13:39:20

I don't think so. She thinks she has already passed the embryo. sad

CollieandPup Tue 06-Sep-11 16:14:09

grumpla so sorry to hear about your SIL and sisters loss sad

I would say be prepared to give her space if she needs it. I found straight after my mc, that being around pg friends was hard. Seeing their bumps growing was a reminder of what I'd lost. Just let her know that you understand if she feels this way and it's ok. And I'd agree with lig try not to moan about your aliments too much-I'm now 29wks so could do my own fair share of moaning about how I feel, but I remember my friends reply to me asking how she was just weeks after my mc.. 'ugh I'm sooooo fat' , it took all my strength at the time not to slap her!!!

I think marking the dd might be nice, but I dont think you need to make a big gesture, just let her know you haven't forgotten. As everyone else will. And in a few weeks, when everyone else has forgotten and expects her to be 'over it' because they will, and she won't, just ask her how she is.

Shes lucky to have you x

Sn0wGoose Tue 06-Sep-11 16:18:47

You sound like a lovely, lovely friend Grumpla. I think I may have to steal you grin

knittymum Wed 07-Sep-11 16:44:58

Hi, something similar has happened to me this year. I had a late miscarriage in May and my sister in law was 10 weeks ahead of me with her pregnancy. Now, I'm lucky because I've already got two children, but even so, watching her go through the rest of her pregnancy was hard. And (my niece is 3 weeks old now) my heart aches each time I see her, but it's so important to me and my husband that they don't stay away from us. The pain will fade in time, and I know that I'd be gutted if I'd missed out on my niece's early life because it makes me a bit sad. I'm dreading my due date though. sad
I'd second the trying not to complain thing, even though we're trying again now and if I manage to get pregnant I'm a right whinger and I'll be moaning continuously! It's hard to know what advice to give you, because obviously different people handle this grief in different ways. But it sounds like you're a sensible and sensitive enough person, so just let them lead the way. Best of luck for the rest of your pregnancy!

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