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Anyone else finding secondary infertility crushing?

(10 Posts)
maximum123 Fri 29-Jul-11 10:31:08

Hello ladies,

I jus wondered if anyone else found sif crushing and so overwhelming challenging that you feel that you may only have one child. We have a son aged 2and4months and have been trying for a year. Alll our friends have moved on and are on their second child and we feel left behind and excluded. Our friends don't contact us not knowing what to say. It's so excruciatingly lonely.

ellangirl Fri 29-Jul-11 11:12:58

I found being open with everyone really helped- I hated the thought that people would avoid talking to me because they didn't want to mention babies. We actually found after a year that there was a more serious problem than we had anticipated with DH's sperm count, and that it is actually decreasing prob due to anti sperm antibodies. We are now undergoing ICSI. I would say talk to your GP about how you are feeling, and depending on your age and situation they might recommend some tests. It feels better sometimes to be doing something proactive.

Biscuitsandtea Fri 29-Jul-11 11:38:28

Maximum we were in a very similar position to you I think, and I do understand how you feel. We started trying for No 2 when DS would have been about 15 months (so sounds a similar age comparatively to your son?) And I know what you mean - our friends with children the same age started trying for no 2, then got pregnant, and in so many cases now have their new babies (in fact some of them aren't so little any more!).

In the end we were trying for 19 months and had been referred to the fertility clinic. (I should probably say, although this isn't necessarily helpful, that we actually got our first positive pregnancy test this week so very early days but a darn sight further than we've got so far in the 19 months we've been trying!).

However, I had been trying to come to terms with the idea that we might only have one child and it was really taking some getting used to.

Have you thought about going to see your GP? Secondary fertility is hard because in many cases (and certainly in ours) we didn't really have any trouble getting pg the first time. In fact we got pg twice but miscarried the first time. But then you just don't anticipate any problems the second time. We saw our GP after 1 year with no success and he sent us for blood tests (for me) and a sperm analysis for my husband. When we got those results back, the sperm motility was very low and they referred us to the fertility unit We had had further investigations there and just 2 weeks ago went back for our follow up appt there. We were anticipating that we might be looking at IUI or IVF but in fact they prescribed us Clomid to try for a few months before IUI/IVF. (although at the moment I am hopeful we won't need it). All the tests we have had done so far have been done on the NHS (although sometimes the waits are a bit long) but we would have had to pay for IUI or IVF if it was needed.

I felt very sad about having to 'bring in a medical person' but in a way it did help me to feel that we were progressing towards our goal.

One of the tests that we had done as well, was a HSG x-ray and (like a few of the exploratory tests) there are reports that you can be more fertile after those tests (we got pg the second cycle after the HSG).

It is probably worth getting some investigation done as you may find it is something relatively easy to improve. After our first semen analysis, hubby stopped drinking pepsi and things and started taking conception vitamins to help his sperm and the second analysis he had showed a great improvement (which could be coincidence or not).

Hope that helps a little bit. xx

maximum123 Fri 29-Jul-11 12:18:49

Thanks ladies that does help. We have been for tests and they have come back fine for the semen analysis and my blood tests. Have been refered to a fertility clinic on the n h s. I am also rhe sus negative blood type don't know if that has anything to do with it? Congratulations on getting a BFP biscuit and tea. It must feel such a relief to step off this awful waiting zone of not knowing what the problem is. We are similarly waiting on the n h s as private costs seem so expensive. I feel so hurt by friends who know we are struggling and yet ignore us, it's rubbish.

Biscuit can I ask you whether since getting your BFP has it healed some of the hurts you felt during sif or is it still there. I guess it must just give you perspective.

I know it's not healthy and does not make me sound like a nice person, but I feel I would find it hard to forgive those who ignored us in our grief if we did ever get pregnant? Sorry I sound so bitter and twisted,

ellangirl Fri 29-Jul-11 12:23:13

People are not bad for not knowing what to say to you maximum, even when you have been through it it's hard to know what to say to someone else is a similar position! If your tests are ok, and you have a child already, there is every chance that you will conceive naturally. How long did it take you to conceive your DS?

maximum123 Fri 29-Jul-11 12:28:06

It was instantly we conceived with our first, thats why the shock on sif. I guess people are not bad for not caring or asking how we are. It's just what I thought friends did.

ellangirl Fri 29-Jul-11 12:32:04

Indeed it is, but not everyone knows how to talk about difficult things, even with their friends. It sounds like you are more upset with your friends than with your situation. Why don't you bring it up with them? They might be thinking you wouldn't to be reminded about the fact that you don't have a second child by being around theirs.

Biscuitsandtea Fri 29-Jul-11 12:40:23

We have only had the bfp this week (well every day this week - I can't stop testing because I can't believe it confused). To be honest I really am more in shock than anything else - I had really given up hope of it happening naturally. You always hear these tales that it seems everyone knows someone who got pg naturally just before they were about to do ivf or some such thing, and I honestly didn't think that could be us. I still don't feel I should be described as pregnant, rather as someone who has got a positive pregnancy test.

I have to say though I must have been really lucky that those friends I've told have been really supportive about it all. And with those who announce pregnancies etc I have tried to go out of my way to make sure I still ask how they're doing or to go and visit the baby etc. It's hard but that, combined with an abridged history of 'we're struggling a bit' has generally made sure that no one says any of the stupid 'didn't you want any more children' comments which are generally what I've found the hardest to deal with. Other than that if someone I knew announced I got much the same punch-in-the-stomach disappointment feeling as when my period came again but then I could normally move on by saying that it isn't their fault we couldn't get there. That is absolutely caveated though by saying that no one that matters to me has behaved any differently through it all (or not substantially so). I think if people had been ignoring us or whatever then I would feel really bitter about it and I would have to question whether such people were deserving of our friendship. I know it's hard to know what to say to someone in our position but you have to say something and move on. like any other awkward situation I think you need to make it clear that you are there for the person whatever happens.

What would your friends have done if you had chosen to only have one child?

Sorry, rambling again....blush

maximum123 Fri 29-Jul-11 12:43:01

Good idea I guess people can surprise you. Not everyone is insensitive and blames you for feeling upset and without support.

maximum123 Fri 29-Jul-11 12:45:42

Thank you biscuitsaqndtea you make me feel normal to feel upset by friends. Thanks that does help to heal hurts caused. Xx thank you

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