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How do you cope with mums groups and secondary infertility?

(6 Posts)
maximum123 Thu 28-Jul-11 09:01:37

hello ladies,
I wondered whether there were any ladies out there who are struggling with secondary infertility and finding that previosuly supportive mums groups have turned into a painful reminder of what you don t have. I know I need to be mentally strong I have just stopped going. Anyone else recognise these times. Would it help if we put our energies into getting a pet as a fill in sibling to a real one arrives? Any wise ladies out there?

digitalgirl Thu 28-Jul-11 23:11:26

Ive been ttc#2 for 2 years and have had 4 miscarriages, so it's been difficult watching others get pregnant and stay pregnant while I've lost so many. All my Nct group who wanted second babies have now had them, same for my friends I met at a mums group. I've found it's much easier now they're not pregnant. I did avoid seeing them while pregnant. I try to see them individually to remove that feeling of being in the minority. Mainly I can deal with it, but if I'm feeling particularly low (like if my period has just turned up), then I won't force myself to go to a meet up.

maximum123 Fri 29-Jul-11 08:32:27

Sorry to hear about your miscarriages. Thank you for replying. I do share your idea that meeting up individually is not quite so bad. Did you feel so incredibly left out? I have stopped going to one mums group and consequently lost the friends I made there. They are all pregnant with their second and ignoring me seems to be easier. But it hurts like he'll, that socially I feel left behind. We have been trying to conceive for a year now. It feels like such a social stigma secondary infertility and people are really quite shockingly bad about being compassionate about it. Do you have friends who are pregnant who fail to contact you and avoid you?

Ladybee Fri 29-Jul-11 11:35:55

Hi, I'm like digi <waves> been trying for 2 years and have had 3 miscarriages. I had my first a week before the first of our groups 2nd birthdays where 2 members of our group announced pgs and another had their newborn. It was difficult. I let our group know we'd been unlucky rather than hiding it, and although I haven't told them all about the subsequent losses I have told the ones I meet with one-to-one. I explained that group meet ups were difficult for me and they understood.
I know that we don't normally talk about this sort of thing openly but I'm becoming more and more of the opinion that it's only by opening up this sort of thing that the friendships are able to become more 'real', and for me that's important. Good friendships help with the painful parts of life - the isolation of loneliness of feeling like you're the only one suffering is very difficult.

Biscuitsandtea Fri 29-Jul-11 11:42:47

Hi Maximum - I've just replied to your other thread, but in the context of the 'group meet ups' I'm a bit like Ladybee. I have mostly told my friends that we were trying and not having any luck. I think it helps because I can still meet up for them but it at least means they are forewarned if they are about to share baby news. In general though I think they feel ok talking about new babies and stuff with me. It's hard to get through it but their friendships are so important to me and I know they are there for me.

I probably wouldn't have told them if we hadn't had a drunken night when we all said when we wanted no 2 (before we stated ttc) so they all knew we were trying from the start. But on reflection I don't mind them knowing as they can be quite supportive in a way.

Ognes Tue 11-Oct-11 13:04:21

Hi Ladies,
Just joined Mumsnet to find some people going through the same thing as me as it is getting harder and harder to talk to my other mum friends about it. I have a son who is 2.5 and have been trying for nearly two years for number 2. Had a laposcopy last week so awaiting next steps (if any) on that front. Have had blood tests and scan before that have come back normal and sperm test fine so very frustrating and hard at the moment.

I know what you mean about groups it is very hard, I also found it harder when other mums were pregnant - now I think they've all pretty much had number 2 - so in a wierd way it becomes easier. Is hard though to see my son interacting so well with the babies as I want that for him and I dread the day he thinks to ask me if we are going to have a baby! Mostly I have found it much easier to be honest with the other mums and they are always supportive - although some dismiss it a little easily by saying 'it will happen' - but I know it must be hard to know what to say. I have forced myself to always chat about the new babies and hold them so as to involve myself and not feel left out - also think this helps other mums not to feel awkward and start to avoid me.

My son started pre-school a couple of weeks ago so thats been a hard milestone as always imagined I'd have another by now, so leaving him there and coming away with no sibling to look after for a few hours is hard.

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