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"Good" friend told other friends we were having problems tcc behind my back!

(11 Posts)
crosswithfriend Tue 26-Jul-11 21:22:30

Hi everyone,

Would appreciate your opinions on this situation. I was quite upset, although I am now pregnant and very happy about that, and part of me thinks I should let it go.

DH and I started to ttc in July last year and I had a mc last autumn. I told a good friend of mine about the mc but asked her not to tell our other friends. I had not told her that we were ttc before the mc. We started to ttc again straight away but I told my girlfriends who asked including her that we were waiting six months to ttc. This would have taken us to March this year.

I got my bfp in June and told this good friend at 8 weeks. It turned out she was 9 weeks. I was so excited for us both. She told me that she had not told any of our friends she was pregnant.

I found out recently that she had invited four other friends round to dinner when she was about 6 weeks and told them that she was pregnant and that she was concerned about telling me because I was have problems ttc.

I'm annoyed because:
a) She lied to me about telling other people and then did a fake announcement to these friends and made them pretend they didn't know. These four friends are at least as much my friends as they are hers, and two of them told me the truth!

b) She went round telling other people we were having problems, when she had no evidence of that at all. In fact I had told her we weren't ttc.

I'm sure a number of you know how difficult ttc can be when the months drag on and the last thing you need is to have people taking about your ttc behind your back - especially spreading rumours.

Thanks very much for reading!

fuzzybunny Tue 26-Jul-11 21:58:23

It is a difficult one as I also didn't want to tell anyone I was ttc, but unfortunately it is obvious you are once you have a miscarriage. Even if you have told those in the know you are putting it off for 6 months, everyone would be waiting for the news (I know my boss was!).

It is possible she may have been trying to spare your feelings by not telling you about herself straight away yet still want to share her news with your friends and trying to get it straight in her head (she may not have mumsnet/similar to chat about these issues).

But if you asked her not to mention it to others then she really shouldn't have, and there was no need for her to lie about telling them, although I think that might have been thinking about you too in a way so you could share your news together or something.

havealittlefaithbaby Wed 27-Jul-11 06:33:05

Have you gone back to her about this? I'm assuming one if the people she told, told you?
Is it is true, I would be hopping because she's jumped to conclusions and has been the opposite of supportive! But I've learnt the hard way to get my facts straight rather than believe 'he said/she said'. It wouldn't be easy, but I think you.need to sit down with het

havealittlefaithbaby Wed 27-Jul-11 06:35:44

Have you gone back to her about this? I'm assuming one if the people she told, told you?
Is it is true, I would be hopping because she's jumped to conclusions and has been the opposite of supportive! But I've learnt the hard way to get my facts straight rather than believe 'he said/she said'. It wouldn't be easy, but I think you.need to sit down with her, ask her her side of the story. If it's true, challenge her on why she did it and tell her exactly how it made you feel.
Congratulations on your pregnancy, hope it's uneventful! smile

SheCutOffTheirTails Wed 27-Jul-11 10:06:33

She had a special pregnancy announcement dinner, and left you out because she thought you were having problems?

So in a situation where her news would have been painful to hear, she would have socially excluded you, lied to you, asked other people to lie to you, and made it likely you would hear the potentially upsetting news from a 3rd party?

She's no friend of yours.

These actions were all about her, and a nasty little power play at that.

I'd be done with her. Friends like that you can do without.

A nice, decent person would have told you before her (wanky) announcement dinner and left it up to you whether you came along of not.

crosswithfriend Wed 27-Jul-11 10:09:04

fuzzybunny Thanks for that perspective. I sort of understood that she was partly trying to spare my feelings, but as you say she shouldn't have been telling people when I told her not to and there was no need to lie.

havealittlefaith Thanks for your post. I haven't asked her yet. I'm not sure I do want to ask her though, as I think it will make a scene, and give credibility to what she said. But you're quite right, two of the girls told me, and they do like to stir, so I should prob give her the opportunity to counter.

Oh well, let's see how feel tomorrow!

crosswithfriend Wed 27-Jul-11 10:16:51

SheCutOff Thanks for that perspective. That is EXACTLY what the other side of me has been thinking. I feel like it was a power play on her side as she and especially her DH have always been trying to establish that these friends are better friends of hers and have been acting a little competitive and jealous. Ridiculous really! If it had been the other way round I would have told her first just like you said.

pleasenap Wed 27-Jul-11 10:43:06

Congratulations on your pg, first off!

You mentioned that you told your friend not tell anyone about the mc - possibly she thought that that was the only bit you didn't want people knowing about - rather than the fact you were TTC? If she just mentioned the TTC but not the mc then I'd think she was trying to spare your feelings. If she mentioned the mc and the TTC then I'd be a bit more hmm - and in that case if she was worried about telling you, if I wanted to ask advice I might've broken your confidence but only confided in one friend and sworn them to secrecy rather than do an announcement. Is there any chance that maybe your friends already had an inkling that you were TTC?

Is it usual that she'd have a dinner party without you being there? Otherwise I would be a bit hurt at being excluded even if it was because she was making her BIG announcment. (I'd probably actually tbh feel a bit sad and envious about the fact that she still had that first flush of pg innocence (if you've never had a mc or IF troubles).

I don't know - you know her best and whether she's basically a good person or prone to being a bit underhand/powerplay-like. I would speak to her about it - I know when I was TTC I harboured quite dark thoughts about certain friends in certain instances but once I either chatted to them about it, or sands of time forgotten about it, it turned out not to be quite what I felt it was or actually a blip in an otherwise good friendship (although...maybe helping differentiate between just one of the gang friends or really, really good friends).

pleasenap Wed 27-Jul-11 10:45:15

BTW meant innocent because she felt confident enough to make a big annoucement at 6 weeks. (Wish everyone could feel that innocence!)

shelbelle100 Wed 27-Jul-11 12:05:18

shecutofftheirtails beat me to it - that is exactly what I would have said. Although I can see that it would be hard not to be friends with her at all now. I would challenge her on this and then distance myself from her - there are obviously others within the group that are better friends than she is!

SpanishLady Wed 27-Jul-11 12:32:57

I am not saying you have no basis for how you feel but it seems to me its abit harsh to be suspecting this friend of 'power plays' etc so sorry but I think shecutoff's take is really extreme.

my general thoughts on the info you have given us are as follows:

1. would agree saying you are having problems ttc because you had a MC is incorrect - but wonder if that is actually what she meant - I think if I was pregnant and friends with someone who had been through a MC, I would feel anxious too about how my news might be taken

2. you told her before others about your mc and new pregnancy so assume she is the good friend you have called her - has she ever 'betrayed' you before? because surely you should judge her in the context of your friendship generally?

3. kind of been liberal with the truth yourself so abit hypocritical about bemoaning her making false announcements - eg you told people you were leaving it 6 months but that wasnt true....

4. no one likes being left out - but you havent said anything about her having the others round to dinner - did that upset you? being in a group of friends can sometimes be taxing when people do things in pairs or threes but you cant always do everything together and given she was pregnant isnt she allowed to be excited whilst not want to ram it down your throat?

when I got pregnant we told a couple we are friends with first as they cannot have children (but want to) before 'announcing' to the group as we wanted them to be able to process it - it was excruciating how other friends did it and knowing this couple were struggling to congratulate people but hide their pain.

lastly I wonder about the two friends who told you the 'truth' - whats their agenda?

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