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42 and scared to become pregnant, but would like to be pregnant!

(32 Posts)
script Tue 05-Jul-11 09:56:55

The subject says it all! I have a dd aged 14 and a ds aged 12 and have always wanted a third child. Lack of money was the main reason we didn't go on. The years just slipped by and I was content ferrying the kids to their different activities. Any time I brought it up my DH just said no, too big a gap. He however, now realises how important this is to me.

For the past six months I have wrestled with the decision to have another. It has been all consuming. On the one hand I would love another child - if only someone could just wheel in the pram! On the other hand I am terrified by the miscarriage risk, risks of chromosomal abnormalities and stillbirth. I am not really worried by the age gap as I have read lots of really positive posts regarding only children. Our child would just have a much older brother and sister.

Basically I would love another child but am petrified at the thought of it all going wrong. DH and I are very healthy and have no medical problems.

I would so appreciate your thoughts- I am so aware that I have to make my mind up now.

Hunterswish Tue 05-Jul-11 16:19:19

Hi I am 40 pregnant with my 8th child and a Grandma! My eldest is 23 so there is a bit of an age gap smile Sadly we can suffer from miscarriage at any age, chromosomal abnormalities and stillbirth again although they are swayed to our age group it happens to younger women too?
I have had no problems and all tests have come back low risk and fine...it's a choice only you and your DH can make hun smile Who knows how long it will take to fall pregnant? The fun you both can have trying though grinp
You and DH need to talk regarding the fact if you were to find anything wrong with the pregnancy what your next steps would be, I only had the blood test as my DH said it didn't matter as we were blessed either way smile

Hope you guys come to a decision soon take caresmile

ciwi Tue 05-Jul-11 17:31:19

Hi, I have to agree with hunter I am 32 and have suffered a stillbirth and a miscarriage so it certainly can happen at any age. I also have a brother who is 10 years younger and a brother who is 10 years older than me. I get on very well with both of them and always have and my 2 brothers also get on very well with each other despite a 20 year age gap they often go out together to concerts and stuff. You would also have live in babysitters - lol.
Just telling you how things worked for my family but as you said, it is your decision to make. Good luck whatever you decide to do x

HRHMJOFMAGICJAMALAND Tue 05-Jul-11 17:33:17

Message withdrawn

script Tue 05-Jul-11 19:35:27

Thank you for all your valid points - I know no pregnancy is guaranteed to go smoothly.

It is great to hear how well the age differences have worked out for your families. I know that it is how you bring them up that matters and not the age difference between them. My dh is 5 years older than his brother and they have never got on. This has led to his belief that an age gap of bigger than 2-3 years doesn't work. He has however changed his mind.

I start to feel stressed when I think about getting pregnant - perhaps because I was last pregnant so long ago, or simply because it can be stressful parenting children when they are older. Although they are both great kids.

I am frightened that I am going to be so stressed if i get pregnant that I don't enjoy the pregnancy or worse this has a detrimental effect on my unborn child. Would support be available if this was the case?

Hunterswish Wed 06-Jul-11 19:29:41

Hi smile
I believe so yes there would be support out there for you, sometimes we just get ourselves tide up in knots with the what ifs and when we have too much time to think? Sometimes you have to just let fate play a hand and see what happens next and address accordingly?

Best of luck xxx

ciwi I am truly sorry for your loss sad

HRHMJOFMAGICJAMALAND smile and why not !!! lol if you and DH want more children and you can have more children why not? smile

SlightlyBabyCrazed Wed 06-Jul-11 19:47:44

Hi, this may be a mis-placed comment, but is it the physical sort of yearning to be pregnant and have baby or just want another little being?

If you don't need the pregnancy bit - have you considered adopting/fostering? There are still a lot of kids out there is need of a good home, you clearly have the mothering knack with the brood you have mentioned!

Just an observation, apologies if unhelpful

kiteflying Thu 07-Jul-11 08:10:39

If it is your heart's desire, go for it! Better to have no regrets than let your worry decide for you.
I am 43 and pregnant with my second. My DD is only three, but I had some qualms about the age gap - just nothing I could/can do about it. And I had got my head around her being an only, so I know there are so many positives to being an only child - and these will apply to your third.
All the older mum pregnancy-risks you just take day by day. There are ways to reduce the miscarriage risk - mostly by staying low stress!
Good luck, whatever you decide.

script Thu 07-Jul-11 11:34:35

Thank you all for your advice.

Hunterswish- I think that is excellent advice. I feel we should give it a go for a couple of months and see what happens. You are very perceptive to say that I have got myself tied up in knots. I probably just need to relax and let fate take a hand. If we all worried too much about the what ifs in life we would never get out of bed. Thank you for pointing this out.

Slightlybabycrazed- You are also intuitive to ask is it a yearning to be pregnant. That perhaps is the problem - I don't want the worry and uncertainty of a pregnancy at my age. I do however want to complete our family by having a third child. I have thought about adoption but was told that this is not always successful when there are biological children. I would hate to bring a child into our family just to fulfil my need. I am however an excellent mum and it would not worry me in the slightest that the child was not mine biologically. Perhaps in my head I feel having our own child is the least difficult path. If that makes sense?

kiteflying- Thank you also for sharing your story. I am so glad you are having your second. That is great advice to take things day by day and if we go ahead that would be the way to do it.

I feel that it would be easier to deal with it if the pregnancy was a mistake. In some ways it would absolve me if it all went wrong. Does that make any sense?

kiteflying Fri 08-Jul-11 08:58:48

The only thing I would say about leaving it to fate, is that fate is not as kind as it is in your twenties. You do rather have to throw your all into wanting to be pregnant if you want to be pregnant at your age, as in lots of self-belief, maybe some extra supplements (chaste-berry, zinc, vit b etc), some nutrition advice, some acupuncture, meditation...?
My pregnancy follows a very long year and a half of IVF failures, and my first bubs was the product of only one cycle of IVF. Just to give you an idea.
If it really is your heart's desire, then follow your heart and really really try. I recommend buying/borrowing a Zita West book to look at some of tools you can sling in your belt along the way.
There is a fabulous forties thread on this conception forum, too.

script Fri 08-Jul-11 19:12:19

Kiteflying: Thank you for the advice. I guess that I am not worried about becoming pregnant because I had no difficulty before and could in fact choose the month! I am more worried about the 50% miscarriage rate. Also plenty of women in my family have had a baby in their forties, seemingly without trying! I do however take your point and it may not be as easy as I think. I don't feel that I am that desperate that I would go and get IVF. But I can appreciate why other people may feel very differently.

This will sound silly but I am worried what people may think of me - having one at 42 and with such a gap. Everywhere I look I see teenage mums and prams. I was never self conscious like that with the first two.

I am also considering the fostering/adoption suggestion. We may however not be suitable as we have two children.

Hope you are keeping well and good luck with your pregnancy. All the women in my family have given birth to healthy children in their forties. I hope your pregnancy goes well too.xx

kiteflying Sat 09-Jul-11 00:36:16

oh, sorry, I obviously offended you. thanks for your good wishes and all the best on your side as well.

script Sat 09-Jul-11 08:05:02

Hi kiteflyer:No you definitely have not offended me. I understand your sentiments and am very thankful that you bothered to give your opinion. It is much appreciated. You are right when you say that fate may not be enough. I am reading a book called Stay Fertile Longer by Mary Kittel. It spells it out loud and clear how fertility drops from the age of 40 onwards. I suppose that due to my family history I feel that I will be able to get pregnant. I am worried about the chances of mc. You are speaking to someone who has had 1 and bled through an entire pregnancy. So that is a big worry in my head- more so than getting pregnant. When I say I may leave it to fate, I just mean if I get pregnant it is God's will and if I don't that is his will also. I hope this makes more sense. But if I had been in your shoes I would have no hesitation in turning to IVF. I am delighted it has worked out for you and all the research shows that older mothers make brilliant mums.

Thank you again for taking the time to give your opinion. It is very much appreciated. What's wrong with me is that I am scared! Xo

ledkr Sat 09-Jul-11 08:38:48

hi,i had dd2 5 months ago at 43,i have ds's 26 25 and 21 and dd 9 it was my 2nd marriage and he had no children,we left it to fate and took 3 yrs but we also werent too bothered if it didnt happen.
I had screening at fmc which was very reassuring and felt a bit more worried re stilbirth but al was ok.
the only thing i have struggled with is the change in lifestyle,ie sleep disturbance,lack of social life and exotic holidays but dh does loads would yours?
DD tho is beautifull and im enjoying her,its also nice to be on mat leave and give dd some time.

script Sat 09-Jul-11 11:28:45

Hi ledger, can I ask what fmc stands for? If you had asked me 10 years ago would I consider having a baby at this age I would have laughed and said no way. It reminds me of Atticus Finch and his maxim of walking in the other person's shoes before you know what it feels like to be them. Whether it is IVF or a second marriage, there are lots of reasons that bring us to this crossroads. Given the choice I would rather not be here. My aunt asked me at 39 if I wanted another baby and I said no thank you, I had quite enough on my plate.it must be because this is my last chance.

How are your older kids with your daughter? Were you much more tired in the pregnancy at 43? I am usually a very sensible boring person and I feel that other people may perceive it as silly wanting another baby at this age.

ledkr Sat 09-Jul-11 11:44:28

Fmc is th foetal medical centre in Harley st,it was 150 for a nuchal scan and they tested for lots of markers,some hospitals offer this free but not mine.
I was not that tired really cos when you are old-er you tend not to fight it and i rested lots and went to bed early,obviously the older dc's didnt need too much looking after either. I work part time as a sw and managed that but was signed off at 30 wks due to spd. The pg was no worse maybe better than the others i had a c section cos had already had 3,recovery was quick and easy.
My other children are delighted but the boys arent at home and dd1 always wanted a baby sister so her dream came true.
I know what you mean about what people think,i was scared to tell my mum shock and at the first ante natal i felt as if people were thinking "look at her,has she no control" It was all unfounded tho and the hormones made me look about 5 yrs younger,i have never felt "old" on the contrary people are shocked when i say my age.The pram is very anti ageing haha.
The only struggle for me was as i said the change in lifestyle,i was very independent and liked gong out but i am slowly adapting and trying to just enjoy the slower pace before i go back to work next year.

script Sat 09-Jul-11 15:48:27

ledkr: When you say that you felt self-conscious during the first ante natal - I am already thinking how old I will be compared to other mums. I also feel that no-one would judge you for wanting a baby with your new husband. I would feel exactly the same if I was in that situation. In a way I feel that I don't have that excuse! That really sounds silly as I know that I don't need one. We are bombarded by Government health messages encouraging us all to have our children before we turn 36. That is all fine in theory - but what does that say to me, as someone who wishes circumstances had allowed her to have more when she was younger?

I am also getting the picture that it could take a long time - you must have been only 40 when you started trying, and it took you 3 years. I don't feel strongly enough about it, that I want to go down the assisted conception route. I don't want to put myself through it.

I am frightened of another mc because it happened at work. I was totally overwhelmed by panic and embarrassment - I hadn't told anyone at work that I was pregnant.

I would be happy to adopt, but as I said earlier I don't know if we would be suitable as we have 2 biological children. I could however look into it.

ledkr Sat 09-Jul-11 15:56:00

Well i happen to work in adoption and whilst you could look into it the odds maybe against you and certainly dont say you have been thinking of ttc.
It took me along time but i have also had chemo some yrs ago and it also took me 2 yrs with dd1 at 34yrs too,i know lots of people who concieved naturally in their 40's.
I felt self consious but i didnt need to and the medical staff never batted an eyelid.
I had a mc too,before dd1 and i was too scared of this,in fact i was scared thru the pg,but i was with dd1 too it was the mc.
I also didnt want ivf but did have a test to see if my hormones were ok and they were.
The chances are that adoption wont fill that gap i feel.
How does dh feel about it?Cos you will need his support.

ledkr Sat 09-Jul-11 15:57:46

btw,i certainly wasnt out of place in hospital loads of older mums and i go to groups now and am fine.

script Sat 09-Jul-11 17:07:31

ledkr: Firstly I want to thank you for giving me an insight into being pregnant at 43. If we go ahead and if I get pregnant, I won't be so worried about what people will think - so thank you for that. It is hard for me, as personality wise I am not a rule breaker. I am the sort of person who sticks religiously to the speed limit, always arrives in work on time and who reads loads of books on every aspect of parenthood. The sort of person who can be relied on to support other people and who copes well in a crisis - as long as it is not of my own making!

Could i just ask why the odds would be against us with regards to adoption? Is it our ages- 42 and DH 43? Or is it that we have 2 biological children? I am aware that any adopted child will have issues due to neglect etc and that it would not be any easy solution. Would long term fostering work better? I feel that we have a lot to offer a child. I would really enjoy helping with homework and would be the sort of person to go the 'extra mile'. I very rarely shout at the children and really enjoy playing tennis, football etc with them.

DH will support me with whatever I decide to do. He feel slightly guilty that due to his own relationship with his brother he didn't want a gap of more than 3 years. So by the time we were on our feet financially, he felt the gap was too big.

ledkr Sun 10-Jul-11 10:46:21

Dont let me put you off adoption,i am very new to it and went on mat leave so if you like i will ask my colleague,if you were prepared for an older child it would be quicker/easier.I do support and some of the children really do have severe and complex needs but you would be prepared for all that before.Foster carers especially good ones are in short supply too. Im not sure you are as old as you think,there are so many older Mums now,so far i have NEVER felt old,i promise.I am certainly enjoying my baby tho and its nice to have an excuse to slow down a bit,i will have the summer holidays with dd1 for the first time ever. Keep me posted on what you decide to do.

script Sun 10-Jul-11 12:36:03

Ledger: Thank you for sharing your experience with me- it has been invaluable. I have decided to give it a go this month and see what happens. My problem- and also DH's is that we are both perfectionists. The reality is that life is not like that. It throws up lots of challenges and it is up to each of us to embrace them.

You are right when you say that I am not as old as I think. I have lots of energy and am size 8. I would be great at fostering- my only worry is that I would bond so well that my heart would get broken when the child goes back home. But it is a case of, you don't know til you try.

Love to you and your family and enjoy your daughter.

Thanks again.

cece Sun 10-Jul-11 12:47:41

I had my third at the age of 42 with a gap of five and half years.

My GP told me that 15% of her mums to be are over 40.

I think you need to decide one way or another and just go for it (if that is what you decide to do) as to be blunt time is not on your side.

Oh and I did have two mc prior to having DC 3. They were painful but I got there in the end. smile

script Sun 10-Jul-11 18:27:56

Cece: That is much higher than what I would have thought. My GP tutted when I told him I wanted another baby. It is no wonder I am so scared!

cece Sun 10-Jul-11 18:32:27

Oh she did tut when I told her prior to the pg and she did give me a short lecture on the risks...

Also I expect it depends where you live too. I live in commuter belt land.

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