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Advice needed - a reluctant man, what to do!

(10 Posts)
Eirelady Fri 10-Jun-11 18:04:59

Hi,

This is my first post and I'm hoping someone out there can give me some advice or maybe tell me to cop on!

I thought incorrectly that my husband and I would both want to have a family ... it appears I was somewhat deluded! Together 11 years, married for 2 and he always has said lets wait until we're 30, which I dutifully have done. I'm 30 in 2 months and want to have a baby and family with my husband but it seems he isn?t sure. I've spoken to him about it as brushing it under the carpet is making me feel worse yet speaking about it seems even more painful as he is so indifferent about the subject and wishes I would stop nagging him about it. I know we have some time to think about it but this desire to have a baby is so strong I'm not sure if I can stop myself from exploding. What can I do, do I discuss this and become the 'nagging wife' or wait around for my husband to have feelings that somewhat align with mine.... any thoughts or comments would be so helpful. Thanks x

mytime777 Fri 10-Jun-11 18:22:07

To an extent I feel the same and can sympathise. Were not married, together for 4 years, always wanted to be married before we had children but due to his view and money i would be waiting for ages so decided personally i would rather have children and get married 'one day'. Any way last 6-9 months my 'clock has seriously started ticking. We have spoken about starting a family and in my mind i want to start asap and ideally have a baby summer next year but whilst he hasnt said no, he hasnt exactly agreed nor when he talks about the short term future does he mention babies/children etc. He wants to turn the spare room into a music studio and im secretly thinking, hang on thats going to be the baby room surely!!
I often wonder if were on the same page. were definitely in the 'same book ' but its timing. he is 31 and im 27. i want a few children and dont want him being an old dad so would like to 'get cracking'.
I do feel that he is in control when we get married or have children which i hate. Its really tricky!
I think your husband should have been honest with you a little earlier then at least you would have known.
I keep bringing up 'children/babies etc and all our friends/family are having babies but i can tell he skirts around the subject or says as little as possible!
i know its not that he doesnt want them, its just i think he is waiting for the day that he wakes up and thinks' i want to have children'- which is not going to happen. Also he wants to 'provide' for us and i know he feels pressure to earn enough to support us, which he feels he isnt at the moment. Could your other half be feeling these pressures??

Eirelady Fri 10-Jun-11 18:32:23

hi mytime777, its like you've been in my mind as everything you have said resonates with me! The ‘were not financially secure’ and ‘I need to be able to provide’ are reasons he has given. He’s even said if you get pregnant you can’t have a drink at Christmas and I was like what is this, dig for the silliest excuse! Your partner sounds reluctant too and I really do feel for you, as I know its so frustrating and disappointing to feel the way we do. I’ve tried to mention friends and family too who are pregnant or have had a baby and its like I’m speaking a foreign language and he starts talking about something completely unrelated.

Do you think your partner might join you on the same page so to speak with a little coaxing because I agree I don’t think they will wake up one day and then realise they want a baby but then on the other hand I don’t want a baby with someone who isn’t 100% committed. Do you feel the same?

mytime777 Fri 10-Jun-11 18:52:37

Totally. Yours rings true to me too.
Its the same when it comes to marriage. I have always wanted to be engaged-married- then children. but he doesnt really 'believe' in marriage' due to his parents etc and would get married 'because i want to' which to be honest has ruined it for me as i know it is very unlikely i will get the romantic proposal that i have always wanted. i guess i'll have to leave that in his hands....
I do think he will come around to the idea of kids but like you i do feel sometimes like i shouldnt have to persuade him, he should want it as much as me. Its weird as i know he does see kids in our future i just dont think he sees any urgency or sees it in the short term.
Im thinking if we had a child next year, he would be 32. all being well and we could leave a few years in between, he'd be 33/34 with no 2 and then what if we/i wanted 3. he'd be nearing 40 and i'd be late 30's!
I have in my head planned it out down to me looking for a new job ( as i drive a hell of a lot at the moment), when i would like to have a baby month wise, when i need to start trying, what i would say at xmas when im not drinking etc.

I have spoken to a few other people about it, my sister in law too. her and my other half brother have been together same length of time we have and they got engaged at 6 months, married at 12, had 2 children oh and moved house! in their relationship they discussed children early, she wasnt fussed about getting married first but my partners brother wanted to get married and wanted to have kids... weird how we are so different.
As silly as it sounds i often wonder if i will ever have the future that i saw and wanted for myself in terms of engagement followed by marriage children etc.

Regarding providing for us I know my other half is expecting a payrise/bonus in august. If he gets it i am hoping we will be in a position to seriously discuss it as according to him theres little point discussing it now as things change and there are so many varients and what ifs etc.

Have you discussed children prior as i see you have been together for a while? Have you dont the sums and would you realistically need him to provide for you and a baby?

Catface1984 Fri 10-Jun-11 19:04:04

Hi Eirelady. DP was somewhat reluctant when I mentioned it last month. He wanted to wait until marriage, etc etc. However, last week when I was most fertile, I just told him, before, and he just said "lets not use a condom!" Kind of out of the blue and unexpectedly.

Basically i think they are afraid more than anything, they think about it over and over again, and the idea of having to grow up etc, really daunts them. To be honest, although I know I will get criticized for this, I think you should just get pregnant anyway. OK, its not like you have only just met, you have been together 11 years, and men can have children at any age, but we can't. It would be different if you had only been together 2 or 3 years, the man might not be really planning a future with a woman he had only been with that long. But 11 years, it's pretty clear you're the one he wants to spend his life with. So, if I were you I'd just go ahead and get pregnant... Plus, you're not exacly tricking him, if the plan was always to get pregnant when you were 30, it's the other way round, he tricked you if he's now changed his mind, or got cold feet.

Good luck! smile

Chipotle Fri 10-Jun-11 19:06:06

My DH and I had been together 14 years, married for almost 2 years when I decided I wanted to have a baby, he wasn't sure. I tried to convince him but when I realised he didn't want to talk about it anymore I backed off. A few months later he said we should go for it, I said no I wasn't having him feeling bullied into it. A few months later he admitted he was scared and didn't think he's be a good father (I have no idea why?) but he genuinely wanted us to be a family. We now have a 14 month old DS who we both adore. What I'm trying to say is give him time, it has to be right for both of you. Try not to nag or bully him into parenthood however desperate you are.

Chipotle Fri 10-Jun-11 19:08:00

I would absolutely NOT trick him, that's a very unfair thing to do, give him more time and find out exactly why he's so reluctant!

Eirelady Fri 10-Jun-11 19:11:02

You seem to have really thought it out mytime777 and I honestly think your partner will come around as he sounds to me like he is just having to take a little longer to get to grips with the idea of children, and he isn’t against the idea, I really hope for you he gets his bonus in August and that might be the kick starts he needs to make him feel more comfortable with the idea of your own family. Don’t worry about doing things the 'right' way around either as I think doesn’t matter, romantic proposals are exciting but not as important as your future together as a couple and setting out your life together as a partnership.

We discussed children before and he always said yes I will do when we're older and I thought well don’t push the subject wait until you get 'older' but I'm starting to feel I've just been lead on slightly. I've said, maybe incorrectly that I cant wait around forever to have a baby, which has gone down like a lead balloon, with him saying I'm pushing him into a decision but I honestly thought we did want the same thing! Why are hormones so powerful!! We even did a pre-marriage course, which we were asked to do by our priest where he said he wanted kids so really I don’t understand how men’s minds work! So really mytime777 marriage even pre-marriage courses don’t make the path to a family smooth. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me I really appreciate it and I know its not going to make your situation better but its comforting to know I'm not alone in these thoughts of having a baby whilst having a man who isn’t interested. thanks x

Eirelady Fri 10-Jun-11 19:20:20

thanks catface1984 and chipotle for your advice and sharing your stories. I can see that I need patience now which I'm willing to give him (for a little while) and its interesting to know that men do have insecurities and maybe they just need a little more time than we do (don’t they say women are quicker developers than men). I'll try the patience thing as hard as it seems (maybe he might just change his mind out of the blue like your partner catface1984, one can only hope) but I think after a certain length of time I will have to say to him you made a promise and maybe I've been tricked into thinking we wanted the same thing.

Chipotle Fri 10-Jun-11 19:26:52

They really do think things through so thoroughly.. I never knew my DH was such a thinker. He did say (only last week)... If left totally up to him we wouldn't be married now let alone with a DS. I needed to plant the ideas and he needed to think them through in his own time. The fact you've planted the idea trust me he will be thinking about it. Give him time and Good Luck.

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