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50 cycles plus. Seriously?

(11 Posts)
luminary Mon 06-Jun-11 22:07:27

So, it looks like cycle 50 is a bust. Big surprise, really. When you've failed 49 times, why should the next one be any different?

I'm so fecking fed up with this...I've run out of words to tell my DH how fed up I am. I'm fed up admitting that yes, my AF has just started. Again.

In the interest of honesty, I will admit to the fact that cycle 37 was a success - this was our first and only IVF cycle, and we have a beautiful, 14 month old DS (so why am I complaining?!).

It's just that every cycle, either before or since, has not ended in a positive. I try not to get depressed, but when everyone around me gets pregnant so easily, and I'm started to get nod, nod, wink, wink suggestions about it being time for number two ('yeah, right, and are you funding that?')....cycle number 50 hurts. Plus, I have first hand experience now how hard IVF is on your relationship and your sanity. Do I want to go there again?

I'm down to one ovary now (long story), my DH had dodgy sperm, and I'm about to turn 35 ('You're dooomed. Doooooooomed, I tell you'). We'll have to sell a car to fund more IVF (we were thinking about doing that anyway, honestly)...

Feck, why can't I be one of those easy breeders?

LoveInAColdClimate Mon 06-Jun-11 22:22:42

While we are on a fraction of your cycles, and I know I can't know how it feels to be In your position, I just wanted to say how sorry I am. The easy breeders dont know how lucky they are, as we trudge off for another doctor's apt (although we are still new enough to the whole thing to find the appointments at least a little exciting - at least it feels like we're doing something). Good luck with 51 - I hope it works for you.

luminary Mon 06-Jun-11 22:29:31

Thanks, I think I just needed to write it out. I never thought I'd be in this position. My mum spent a whole 3 cycles ttc 3 babies (admittedly, the last one was an oopsie contraception-failure baby), and I just thought I'd have the same luck.

Had the conversation with DH tonight about when we should inevitably make tha appt back at the clinic. Because over 2 yrs have passed since our last foray into ART, we'll have to re-do all our tests, at extra cost....

I just want to be planning 'relaxing' holidays, not spending that money on doing something other people get for free, relaxing.

Just watching the news just now, and trying to take on board how much worse my life could be.

Still not helping, ungrateful wench that I am sad

JenniL1977 Mon 06-Jun-11 22:32:32

You got pg on cycle 37?! That is quick breeding, it took me until 42! grin
seriously though luminary I totally feel your pain. WTF is up with these people who manage it on the first or second (best friend, SIL, every other fecking friend and female acquaintance I have)? They honestly make me angry.
(And then tell me not to worry, and just relax. Words cannot express my rage)
I had a proper 2 day flip out 3 weeks ago when SIL rang me to airily tell me she was pregnant again and "they'd only done it 3 times". She seems to think cos I'm 30wks now I'm all over being bitter about the fact I couldn't get myself pregnant without help. Well, I'm not.
Here's to cycle 51, lovely. Good luck and lots of hope and very un-MN-y love coming out of Yorkshire to you smile

luminary Mon 06-Jun-11 22:34:12

Oh, and good luck with your journey, ColdClimate, I hope it is a much shorter one than mine. The medical journey to motherhood isn't that bad. It's just....difficult to get your head around at times.

JenniL1977 Mon 06-Jun-11 22:40:27

ColdClimate sentiments echoed here. If you've got any questions (I'm not a fertility doctor, but I know IUI inside out!) or you just want to talk, then just ask smile

luminary Mon 06-Jun-11 22:41:11

Thank you Jenni, I guess 42 is the answer to life, the universe and everything (can't be the first time you've been told that?!)

What is it with people that think that infertility is cured by pregnancy and birth? I'm still infertile, I still want more children, and, oh, my whole pregnancy was ruined anyway by the whole infertility biz. Took me about a year to get over it (after my son was born). That was fun.

Here's to SIL's that make us feel like shit, and best friends that always seem to get pregnant first try (I have one of those too)!

JenniL1977 Tue 07-Jun-11 19:55:56

Ha, no-one's actually said that before! I just have this fear that what if it takes another 42 cycles for the next one? I'll be 39! ("Doomed!")
If you don't mind me asking, what do you mean about your pg being ruined? The fear of it all going wrong (because I'm totally there right now and have been for the last 30 wks)? Or something else?
I know it doesn't help, but keep strong luminary x

FlipFantasia Tue 07-Jun-11 21:06:14

Another long term ttc-er here!

I also got pregnant around cycle 37 (though had stopped counting obsessively properly by then to save my sanity!) via ICSI and also have a gorgeous 14 month old to show for it. I've had more than my fair share of tears of rage/frustration/sadness/grief/anger at the whole unfairness of it over the years - I seem to come from a crazily fertile family (lots of "he just had to look at me" or babies conceived while on birth control pills or using the coil). I also have friends who've gotten pregnant first month of trying (including one only SWI once that cycle).

We're planning more ICSI this year but I just can't seem to summon the energy for it - I can remember this time 2 years ago going through it all so vividly and it's more than a little depressing to be facing into it again. We were actually lucky enough to get pregnant naturally in Feb this year (was so dumbfounded - we were told the sperm issues meant we were extremely unlikely to get pregnant naturally) but sadly it was not meant to be and had a miscarriage at 7 my first week back at work after maternity leave. A horrible time. It's made it harder to deal with the infertility - we can get pregnant naturally but it's still extremely unlikely. So I'm back in the monthly cycle of hope/despair as I wait for my period and am then crushed when it arrives (I really thought I'd dealt with all of that 2.5 years ago when we headed down the IVF route).

I do try to count my blessings - DH has sperm issues because of past cancer treatment and I'd rather have him and assisted conception than no him and a haul of babies with someone else; we were lucky enough to get pregnant first time via IVF; I had a trouble free and enjoyable pregnancy (though not too great a birth); and DS is healthy, happy and a continuous source of joy - but at times I still get so pissed off with the unfairness of it all, the whole "this is not how my life was supposed to be" ness of it all.

Sorry, this is quite a ramble! It's just rare to read of other similar experiences (though I obviously wish you didn't have experience of this).

luminary Wed 08-Jun-11 13:53:42

Thanks, Jenni, I have my strong days and my not so strong days.

When I say that my pregnancy was ruined, it’s hard to explain, but I’ll try – apologies for the excess verbiage, but I’m still trying to work this through in my head myself.

When we were trying for 3 years, we went from being excited to finally be trying, to hopeful next month would be the one. We even had fun trying! After about a year, we got a little concerned, went to the doctor and got tested. I was ovulating fine, but my husband’s results weren’t so good (between about 75-90% immotile). That immediately brought us down with a bump, and I went into a bit of panic mode. We were referred for treatment on the NHS, and spent the rest of the year waiting for appointments (a slow drip, drip drip – months between appointments, and then all they did was take your blood and send you away without telling you anything). I found the attitude of the consultants particularly hard to deal with – so dismissive.

During that time, I was diagnosed with a massive ovarian cyst. The funny part? I thought I might have been pregnant, because I had all the symptoms – bloating, peeing all the time, pelvic pressure, hard mass in my stomach….I was even comparing my symptoms with my knocked-up-in-one-go best friend, who was pregnant then.

Hilariously (yeah, right), they kept referring to its size in terms of how big a fetus it would be (7mths, when they took it out). I lost an ovary in the process, and had to take 6 months to recover before they would even think of doing any treatment on me. Because of only having one ovary, they said I’d be better going straight to IVF, and that was a longer wait than some of the other interventions – 24 months, I think.

By this time I was well and truly fed up, so went privately. We went to a lovely clinic, and started the process again. Thing was, with all the disruptions because of the operation (and other personal stuff going on), it was a while before we started treatment, and I sort of feel we fell into the whole process. By the time I was injecting myself, I kind of separated myself off from the whole thing, so when I got the positive result, I just couldn’t be happy. It just felt like another hurdle to overcome, and I felt I couldn’t get my hopes up. Surely it couldn’t be that ‘easy’?

Thing was, this feeling never went away through the whole pregnancy. I don’t think I got excited even once when I was pregnant, and after all we’d been through, it just made me so sad. I ended up going almost 2 weeks overdue and was induced. The birth wasn’t too bad as these things go, and suddenly I had a baby.

I think the first few months with your first baby is hard on anyone. Certainly, from the friends I spoke to, many of my feelings were just the same as theirs. Your life changes completely, your sore from giving birth and the recovery can take a while, and you have this needy little creature that only you can satisfy (esp if you are breastfeeding). I don’t know if I was actually depressed during this time, but by gods, I wasn’t going to let on. I felt that no one would have real sympathy after I had so obviously gone to great lengths to have a baby.

I really struggled to bond with my son, and even now, still can’t believe I’m a ‘mother’. It’s what other people are, not people like me that can’t even get pregnant.

As you can see, I have a massive chip on my shoulder from the whole infertility thing. I know not everyone does, but I wished I’d had some idea that going through IVF successfully has its own downsides (far preferable to a negative ivf cycle, of course).

So, that’s the long winded answer to your question. I don’t know if it makes any sense, or if you’ve felt any of it. I personally didn’t know anyone who’d gone through what we’d gone through to get pregnant, so there was no one in real life I could relate to. I don’t know if that would have made a difference, but I can’t help thinking it would have.

luminary Wed 08-Jun-11 14:07:13

FlipFantasia, you do seen to have been through the wringer too. I’m sorry you’ve had as hard a time as me. It really just doesn’t seem fair, does it. Although, like you, I try to count my blessings, and keep telling myself it could be worse. This works sometimes, but others…not so much.

I’m really sorry to hear about your miscarriage in Feb – after all you’d been through, it must have been devastating. I really can’t imagine what that must have been like to go from the happiness of finally being able to get pregnant yourselves to…well, to the worst outcome.

Like you, I thought I’d got over the feeling of hope/despair every month. Apparently not, as this one’s hit me particularly hard (hence the post). 50 just seems like a big number. I truly get filled with rage when I read people moaning about going into their third month ttc, and how hard it is and when will it eeeeevvvvveeer happen.

I also think that I'd been hoping that a natural bfp would erase some of the feelings of failure that going through IVF gave me. Did it help you at all to know that you could do it on your own, even if it was extremely unlikely?

Best of luck if you decide to go for ICSI again this year. I think we’ve given ourselves a limit of trying till xmas, but will probably head back to the clinic before to get all the tests and paperwork out the way first. Maybe this time we can time it better – last time we went through IVF, my egg retrieval was on my wedding anniversary. In a way, it’s nice, but I can also think of a number of things I would rather have been doing that day!

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