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Relax and It'll Happen- at the BESH Spa

(1001 Posts)
starcuntmole Mon 16-May-11 21:45:30

Unwind and rest your weary wombles as we cater to your every relaxation need. If you've been getting stressed about failing to fertilise for what feels like five hundred years, and your follicles aren't getting any younger, we have the perfect combination of treatments to send you on your way uplifted, and updiffed.
Pampering experiences from head to toe, and all the bits in between, whose benefits stem from the combination of nature’s ingredients and our therapists’ highly trained hands and tongues.
Feel the all over healing powers of touch, with one of our speciality Cuban massages (rum and cigarring compulsory) , indulge in a volcanic mud-cake wrap or lose yourself in our unique water experiences: gin jacuzzi, turkish delight baths, and enjoy the Sechseny pool staffed by our attentive in house swimmers. Finally treat yourself to a mani/pedi (polishes come in the full range of colours from Clearly Clear to Russet)

Complimentary bar.
Please note: Robes must be worn in all pubic areas.

InTheSunshine Mon 16-May-11 22:05:32

Good work Starystarynight. I am especially loving the nod to past Freds.

MadameBoo Mon 16-May-11 23:05:08

Can I keep my knickers on? I suddenly feel all bashful...

Pipbin Mon 16-May-11 23:16:56

You won't make a baby with your knickers on.
That said I have a friend who got pregnant while never actually having had penetrative sex.

Ariesgirl Tue 17-May-11 08:39:29

Well she would not be welcome in these parts Pipbin. You on the other hand.....?

Let me lie back in the gincuzzi - ahhhhh. Though am suddenly troubled by the effects of the bubble system on my recent affliction. Gin cures fungal foof, right? <concerned> I'll also (if that's ok with everyone) paste up a copy of the DIY paint chart on the wall so we can request the corresponding nail varnish daily.

000 Clearest eggwhite
001 Watery white
002 All that jizz?
003 Cottage cheese
004 Cunt-ry cream
005 Hopeful Yellow
006 Hint of a Tint
007 Excessive Cigaring
008 Stretchy but streaky
009 Palest Pink
010 Implantation Imaginings?
011 Itty Bitty Brown
012 Brahn String
013 Ovaltine Ochre
014 Sludge Brown
015 Clotty Red
016 Purest Scarlet
017 Possibly Green*
018 Barely Black*
020 Nothing. Nadda. Where the fuck IS it? Sump Oil Surprise*

Today, therapist, I want 004 <holds out nails>

AlpinePony Tue 17-May-11 08:59:34

Gutentag floozies. Pls to wear the Hallowed Crown of Menkul? This morning I POAS despite only having done The Sechs once pre-ov. Pipbin HOw did she do it? I might try that method.

(Obviously stick said NO, and then let out a cheery yet slightly patronising laugh).

kat2504 Tue 17-May-11 09:16:41

Evil sticks! You can have a stick swap with me. My stick is refusing to acknowlege there is nothing there any more andhas the thinnest hint of a line. I want it gone so I can get on with some ttc menkul.
Turns out the doc that referred me to gynae was a locum. I have received a summons to see my real gp who will likely quote me the three mc rule and then say no. Bollocks.
Love the spa, especially the polish range and the inhouse swimmers.

owlbooty Tue 17-May-11 10:05:50

Well done Moley , esp on the Cuban massage grin

Also Gincuzzi! Fabulous, as is the resurrection of the colour chart.

<burns the evil sticks for Kat and Pone >

Kat A locum is still a proper doctor; that would be excessively mean if they retracted the referral. Wail and snotter at your GP if they give you any shit. It scares them and makes a right mess of their desk.

<hands out paper pants to all>

MadameBoo Tue 17-May-11 10:14:53

<Proffers fingers and toes> 016 all the way baby.

MadameBoo Tue 17-May-11 10:17:12

<Burns paper pants> Sorry Wol, but if it ain't purest cotton, it goes nowhere near my foof.

Ariesgirl Tue 17-May-11 10:41:09

Still Boo. Still?? That's not on.

Kat sorry you're still going through this shit. Feel free to rant and rave - you are being amazingly stoical-sounding about it all.

AuntieDoris Tue 17-May-11 11:09:11

Ooo a new fred. Apologies for the absence. Am hoping that the spa will cure my generalised-fucked-offness-disorder.

If I imagine myself wearing a robe all I can think of is Bubble DeVere, that fat woman off Little Britain shreaking 'Daaaaaahling'.

Pipbin Tue 17-May-11 11:55:54

My friend had Vaginismus which meant that she just plain old couldn't do the deed. So her and her boyfriend got all fruity without going 'all the way'. He still 'enjoyed himself' though. They hadn't bothered with protection because they thought they didn't need to. But as we know 18 year olds are furcund to a point of heresy and 9 months later they had the proof.

As for me, well. Stopped taking the pill about three weeks ago, about two days later I was like a dog on heat.
Now I was nearly sick this morning, have sore boobs and most food is turning my stomach.
I have a job interview tomorrow so I'm not going to test yet so that I can sit there in the interview knowing that I don't know.

kat2504 Tue 17-May-11 12:30:26

I'm sorry for being miserable the spa ought to be relaxing. I just feel the nhs doesn't give a fuck about my mental health. Despite me having a history of mh issues, and two mc in nine months making me incapable of normal life.
I didn't see the locum expecting a hospital referral. I know the so called rules. I went because I can't sleep at night without pills or wine and I can't face the idea of going anywhere near a place of work. He gave me a leaflet for private counselling, which I can't afford due to us nowbeing a one income house. And a number for a local womens centre that has now closed down.
I should have a three month old baby now. Or if not, I should be 11
weeks pregnant. But I have nothing and feel pretty much good for nothing. If I can't have a baby I ought to at least have a decent career on the meantime, but I was shit at that too.
I don't know what to do with myself. I'm sorry to whinge but at least you allunderstand the pain. Other people fob me off with the usual insensitive lines. Even my mother seems not to care.

AlpinePony Tue 17-May-11 12:37:09

kat Are you near a university? Is it possible to get some "free" counselling via the psychology department from PhD students having to practice on real-live people? I was lucky enough here to land at the epi-centre of research for my particular strain of menkulness and ended up with 5 years worth of therapy for peanuts. I am really sorry you're feeling shit right now, really sorry. sad <loadsa hugs>

kat2504 Tue 17-May-11 12:44:13

Not very near but not massively far either. Thanks for the tip, will bear it in mind if the nhs doesn't work out. Dunno what anyone else can say to me apart from yes, you are right, it's shit, it wasn't your fault.

cakeandcava Tue 17-May-11 14:29:59

My turn to ShitFuckFuckWank.

Had bleeding yesterday. Went for scan this morning. I'm having a MMC. Pregnancy stopped developing at 5 weeks. I remembered reading Kat's post last week, so when sonographer said she wanted to do an internal scan I knew it was game over. Fuck.

FuckFUCK. It took us two years to get here sad

Ivegotmrbitey Tue 17-May-11 14:33:34

Oh kat, it's so true though. It is shit and it wasn't your fault. Also it isn't bloody fair. Do whatever you need to keep going and don't let your GP take away your referral. <joins in with hugs>

owlbooty Tue 17-May-11 14:35:56

Oh Cakes sad How utterly utterly shit. I know nothing I can say will make any difference to the shitness but I am so very sorry you are having to go through this, it is so fucking unfair and horrible.

<clasps Cakes and Kat in massive squishing hug>

It is a sad day in BESHland.

kat2504 Tue 17-May-11 15:07:03

Cakes I am so so sorry. It being a fcfu must make it all the more hard knowing what you went through to get pregnant. When the sonographer tells you they can't see anything there are no words to describe that feeling. I really am so so sorry.
I know it is a horrible topic but do ask me if you need any advice about your options. I have done erpc and medical route and can tell you the truth about them.
I hope that the natural.conception doesn't change your ivf eligibility and that you will be ready for ivf soon.

AlpinePony Tue 17-May-11 15:30:44

cakes I'm so, so sorry to read your news. sad

InTheSunshine Tue 17-May-11 15:31:56

Oh Kat & Cakes I'm so so sorry. It's so fucking unfair.

Ivegotmrbitey Tue 17-May-11 15:36:31

Sorry cakes I missed your post, I'm so sorry to hear your news. Feeling very sad and angry for you.

kat2504 Tue 17-May-11 15:47:53

Hey besh love has inspired me to complain. Hospital have given me a slot to whinge .
You are all the best, better than my best mates, better than my mum, I luffs you all.

cakeandcava Tue 17-May-11 17:10:15

Kat so glad they're giving you a slot -hope you're hanging in there.

And yes, I am wondering wtf to do now. Part of me would prefer to wait for it to pass naturally, but the leaflet they gave me with 'can be extremely painful' and 'can take a long time' is scary.
I'm not sure about the surgical 'evacuation' procedure, feels a bit heavy, but maybe the drugs, to make it happen straight away? What is your opinion? Or anyone's opinion? (Sorry if this is morbid -can take it off-thread if people prefer).

I can't believe I'm actually having to do this. Pliz to turn back time and change things?

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