How do you respond to <cough> well intentioned people who tell you to "just relax" and it will happen?

[theidsalright]

It's patronising.

It's annoying.

I have been told on the few occasions I have told someone we are TTC that I should
-RELAX
-HAVE FUN
-NOT PLAN IT
-JUST LET IT HAPPEN

Wow, really? Never thought of those myself.

I need a good response that is not just "piss off".

[Rosebud05]

Either "well, that's one way to look at it" or "actually, I'm feeling quite stressed/sad/anxious/worried about it" depending on how you're feeling at the time and how well you know the person.

[HumphreyCobbler]

tell them to fuck off

actually I never did that, but I wanted too

bran, people knew I was TTC because they were my friends, and I had lost babies, one at twenty weeks so everyone already knew about it.

[theidsalright]

I'm not randomly telling people....but as I AM stressed I thought that support from my very closest confidants might be helpful?? I don't think that's very strange. The pressure on couples who have fertility issues is HUGE IMO and it can be very difficult to only have it to share with each other.

Clearly the "support" I was looking for from said people has not been as predicted!

[JenniL1977]

I found the words "off" and "fuck" to be useful.
Sometimes I substituted "piss" for the last word.
Seriously though, I absolutely know how frustrating this is. I found it horrifically annoying that e en though I'd explained my fertility problems to good friends several times, the words "just relax" could come out of their mouths. They don't mean it, they just don't know what else to say. Fertility issues aren't just emotive for the sub- or in- fertile couple, they really affect those close to them as well.
Would it help for you to talk about what your problem(s) are?
I hope things get better for you.

[theidsalright]

haha yeah, I do think that inside my head.

Ach, do you know I AM stressed and I'm not stressed. No different from anyone else, a lot better off than a lot of people here (we have a fabulous DS). Just moaning and pissed off that people who I love/love me have the stupidity to suggest that RELAXING or a bit of sexual gymnastics is ALL it takes.

Right, I'm off to relax...

[helenlouisey]

I experienced the same, when I shared my problems with friends hoping to get some support and understanding I always felt like it was thrown back in my face with comments like try and relax, book a holiday etc etc. In the end I just stopped telling anyone as always ended up feeling worse after trying to chat about it than if I'd kept my mouth shut!!!

Try and ignore them, I know it's difficult but people who havent had problems conceiving will never ever understand just how hard it is :(

[joycep]

Tell them that it is actually very unhelpful and thoughtless advice. People are so annoying with these comments but I guess if people haven't struggled they just don't understand the awful and emotional situation. I find the worst one to handle is "dont you have any babies yet?" ...f off and mind your beeswax comes to mind!!

[theghostofposhlymanor]

I tell them that no amount of me relaxing and having fun will improve my DHs sperm count. But if they have any other advice they're welcome to go and have a chat with him.

[TheVeryAngryMumapillar]

Say "Ah! Now I will get up-duffed within 24 hours thanks to your amazing insight!"

And then leg it.

[Italiangreyhound]

Smile, nod, look vacant, change the subject.

We've been trying for ages for number two. It doesn't always happen, sometimes you need help, sometimes not.

I think people are trying to be nice, don't know what to say. Just change the subject.

They probably think they are actually helping because somewhere they have read if you stop worrying it will happen. Whether there is any evidence that stress contributes to not conceiving I am not sure - but I bet there is very little evidence that telling people to relax makes them relax!

I could (if you don't mind) also suggest if you do decide to read anything helpful I can recommend Zita West. I have not read all her conception book but looked over one of her books and met her in person. There is one www.amazon.co.uk/Zita-Wests-Guide-Getting-Pregnant/dp/0007173717?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21
here

but not sure if this is the right one, I got mine from library for free so see what is out there.

Sorry if that is not the sort of advice you want either, in which case - smile, nod, look vacant, change the subject!

All the best.

[BagofHolly]

Relaxing can ONLY help if the fertility issues were caused by raised prolactin, impairing ovulation, AND if the relaxation then reduces the prolactin.

V sorry to post an opposing view but IMO Zita West is a superb marketeer, but nothing more, and it can be argued, a snake-oil peddling charlatan, praying on the desperation of infertile couples. I'd like to see her fully investigated and her dubious statistics exposed.


A very very good read is "taking charge of your fertility" by Toni Weschler.

[expatinscotland]

I'd tell them, 'Then how do you suppose rape victims become pregnant? Or women in abusive relationships or in refugee camps, because that doesn't seem very relaxing.'

[getawiggleon]

expat I think that'd shut most people up in an instant! Wish I'd thought of that one a hundred times before!

I was advised by family and even a useless locum GP to 'just relax' and 'book a holiday instead of wasting money at a fertility clinic etc' After two miscarriages in 9 months that's easier said than done though. If you want something so badly in life whether it be a new house, new job etc it's rare that 'just sitting back and relaxing' will make it happen!

Had I just gone on holiday and laid back and thought of England then I may have got pg but I may also have mc again. By 'not relaxing' I ended up having blood tests taken, taking my waking temperature every day, shovelling all manner of vitamins down my neck, not drinking coffee or alcohol all year, badgering my GP, researching through books and the internet and finally discovering that I have Hashimoto's thyroiditis (which can impair fertility and increase chances of mc) I also learned that I have slightly elevated NKs which I am taking steroids for. No amount of 'relaxing' would've helped with any of these yet people seem to think that it's the obvious solution to getting pg. You do everything you can to improve your chances, yet the minute you pay attention to your body, talk about the length of time it is taking to fall pg etc then people assume you are 'stressed' and therefore limiting your chances.

I really hope it happens for you soon and that the well-wishers learn to keep their 'advice' to themselves. It is such an emotive time but unfortunately people don't seem to think before they speak and just come out with a load of tired old soundbites and cliches instead.

I got my third (and hopefully sticky) BFP this morning and, fwiw, I still don't feel relaxed!

[BagofHolly]

Huge congrats, getawiggleon! I was on steroids/clexane/gestone and it worked a treat for me, despite NKs that were through the roof.

[theidsalright]

congratulations getawiggle!

The bit that gets me is that the fertility issues are not mine (apart from my being 36) and STILL as the woman in the partnership I gets to shoulder the relaxingburden.

and yes, expat that's definitely a silencer. I'd need to be drunk to say that one...but hold on a minute, I'm not really supposed to be doing that either, or does that constitute not relaxing if I'm "thinking about it too much" ?

[blondieminx]

getawiggle congrats! do you have to take levothyroxine for your throid prob? Mine's underactive, and last pg I was told to up my dose by 50mcg and then had consultant led care and blood tests through each trimester. Wish I'd known that first time round cos that pg ended in mc :(

sorry for hijack!