starting again

[ArchieandElliot]

I have lost two babies this year. The first at five months and the second at three months. The tests have all come back normal both times. I've been told that I will get no more testing done until I've lost another baby.
So here I am, ready physically to start again but petrified that my desire to be a mum means another life won't make it. Our friends and Family are dropping babies left right and centre. We are trying to get through each day without burning up with rage and jealousy. It's not easy.
I've never wanted anything so much and there's nothing I can do to make it happen. I tried to talk to my husband about the possibility that this may never happen for us. His face said everything I needed to know. I feel so useless. I can get pregnant but no matter what I do I can't keep the pregnancy going. I really thought that in this day and age there would be more help available. I am 29, I am healthy, I eat a balanced diet, I do not drink, I've never smoked or taken drugs, I walk my dog every day, I've been taking folic acid for years and I work from home so I'm not exposed to anything that could be harmful to a growing fetus.
Can it really be that this has all been bad luck and there's a chance I can have a pregnancy go full term?

[lemonsherbet]

I am not sure what advice to give. Just did not want this to go unanswered.

I know it is really tough, but people who have lost 2 babies do go on to have a healthy pregnancy. It sounds like you are doing everything right and sometimes these things just happen.

I am sure someone will be along shortly who will be able to offer better advice. Just wanted to give you a big hug.

[louisesh]

Totally with you ArchieandElliot.I m 40, just, i ve had 3 MCs and my dd was stillborn at 41 weeks in October 2010.We have no problems concieving and thought we 'd cracked it with Georgie but she died at 41 weeks due to me having e-coli ,2 sweeps which allowed the e-coli to infiltrate the placenta causing Georgie to die of hypoxia.

Today i received a text from an ex "friend" who concieved within 2 weeks of trying,problem free pregnancy had her baby today [1 day after her due date] with no problems.I , too, attend the gym, don t smoke, don t drink alcohol when pg [don t drink much when i m not pg].I ve since had 2 work colleagues tell me they are pg , with their 2nd, since loosing Georgie.We have had all the tests ;no problems.

Just bloody bad luck with the MCs and bad timing with Georgie, if she had come on her due date, she'd have been fine.So, like you, we are back right at the start,swi, ovulation tests and all that crap.

This year was suppose to be ours but again we ve got to be patient for another year.Sorry for your losses.

Its very scarey but we feel we have no choice as our desire for a child has been excerbxted by having Georgie 100 times over and we don t ever want Georgie to have been in vain.Do you have counselling or attend any support groups? I m doing both as know its the only way i can move foreward.Small steps, don t do anything you don t want to [we didn t celebrate xmas] and if you want to feel jealous or pissed off do its perfectly normal. The only way i can think at the moment is by me getting pissed off or jealous about other people it doesn t help me and it makes no difference to their predicament[sp] they're still pg or have their babies.I ve cut myself off from a few people due to this, i may re-contact them in the future or i may not ????Depends how i feel.

Good luck and take care.Its utter shite XX

[ArchieandElliot]

I'm sure I've spoken to you before louisesh or perhaps I've read other posts with you on them. I'm so sorry. I can't comprehend how you coped with losing Georgie. I keep thinking, if I'd only made it a few more weeks Archie would have made it but after talking to the third consultant I know that he wouldn't. The whole process of pregnancy seems so impossible, it's amazing that any of us are here. There's a photo of him at my parents house and I looked at him most of Christmas day thinking "you should be here". I've also stopped talking to lots of people. Some by choice because I can't stand the stupid and hurtful things they say to me and some not by choice, they just can't be around someone who has lost two babies (I wasn't aware it was catching). I have only seen my mother in law twice very briefly since my second miscarriage. Her focus on her new daughter in laws 'difficulty with being pregnant' makes me want to kill. It's best for everyone if I just stay away and not burn bridges. I still talk to one of my oldest friends who's pregnant with twins after being with her fiance for six months. I love her so I forced myself to buy her some baby grows for Christmas. I couldn't actually see her though, it was a step too far.
My husband asked his GP about counselling but he just wrote him a prescription for anti depressants. I've found mumsnet a lifeline. We're getting through day by day but we were really holding on to the hope that the blood tests would show up something that could be treated. The fact we have no answers again and going into this with very little hope has made today a bit more shit than the ones of hope we had after seeing the consultant.
Just blind hope is all we have isn't it?! Or faith for some people, not me personally. Some days hope is enough and others I can't even face leaving the house.

[louisesh]

Thanks Carlosss XX

Archieandelliot HI.Don t mention MIL's i ve just fallen out with mine ,very long story,but basically, she makes everything about her even us loosing Georgie.I ve no interest in her now ,she can bog off!!!

I arranged counselling through my work occ health dept can your dh do the same? I had it after my MCs and knew for sure i'd need it now,I ve also been in touch with SANDS have you given them any thought? Might help, may not.

I take Georgie's photo everywhere and sleep with it under my pillow.I have her in my purse and a keyring fob.Its not the same at all.We ve also got her framed photo in our loung and her framed hand and foot prints in what would have been her room.I often look and talk to the photo.

I have berable days and unberable days , no good days anymore.If you don t want to go out don t if i feel that shite i just go with it.Every time i think i ve stopped crying i start all over again.I, too have stopped communicating with 2 "ex" friends since Georgie for a variety of reasons .I don t care quite frankly bollocks to them i need to look after me.

Its the unfairness of it all.You ve done well to stay frinds with your friend i don t think i could.Pissed off with what seems like everyone else getting pg and having a baby 9 months later as simple as that whereas for me it seems so impossible.As a family we re all clinging on to the hope i ll have a baby this time next year and we re going to have a HUGE xmas.

We felt, about the post mortom results. we were dammed either way .We didn t want Georgie's death to have been for nothing [which lots of stillbirths are] but didn 't want to have lost Georgie through something preventable.But ultimately the outcome is the same Georgie is not with us.

We have a very good care package in place for next time, we had good care with Georgie .Had, had a barrage of tests pre-Georgie as i work for the nhs and had pushed for the.For a long time[and sometimes now] i still think "If only Georgie had come on her due date things would be so different now.Why didn t she come at 40 weeks?" But i m never going to get those answers....

Take care XXXXX

[louisesh]

Grief has also caused me to loose the ability to spell!!!! Excuse the mistakes.

[ArchieandElliot]

The if onlys can drive you mad can't they? I get myself so wound up with what could have been and what should have been I just end up crying myself into a frenzy.
It's a crazy world. My aunt is a midwife and has to see women having babies who don't want them, who think they're 'mistakes', who seem to have had a penis accidently fall into them and have been blighted by these little lives. She was never able to go full term and I don't know how she copes in her job. If the world was a perfect place then people who didn't want children wouldn't have them, there would be no children beaten, abused and murdered. But it isn't a prefect world.
How have you been coping with the constant adverts for one born every minute? It's driving me up the wall! The programmes been going on since I was first pregnant with Archie. My husband grabs for the remote whenever it comes on. Yesterday it came on and he said 'don't tv people understand that some of us don't get the happy ending? Why does this have to be on all the time?'.
carlossss I couldn't have a stitch because I didn't have a weak cervix. The tests have all shown up no problems. I was going to have private testing done but I needed help financially and my family have used the money. If luck is on my side then there is still the tiny bit of hope that next time could be the right time. It's hard to believe. If I lose another baby I don't know if I could cope with trying anymore. The physical pain is bad but the mental pain is unbarable.
I've got the same hope louisesh. My anut and uncle are spending next Christmas with us no matter what. But she's keeping her fingers crossed for me. My husband went to see his parents the other day and I felt jealous. So childish I know but I can't get past my anger. I don't know what I'd say to them if I did go. His dad wanted to chat about how his new daughter in law is finding pregnancy 'tough'. I think I would have stood up and punched him. I hope we get our babies before we just kill everyone.

[peanuthead]

Archie and Louise
HAve come across you both before - not got time to post properly now but will try later as am in a similar boat. (One termination at 17 weeks in 2009 due to a fatal heart defect, mc at 19 weeks in May this year , they don;'t know why - like you archie everyone says "bad luck")

But I wanted to say god, this has to be our year. Last nye me and DH sat mulling over our loss, about to embark on IVF and thinking we were through the shit. A year on and it's just got worse. I'm so scared to think what next NYE will hold.

Sorry this was supposed to be postive ish. Really I jsut wanted to sat that that this just has to be has to be our year. Such unfairness and bad luck has to end some time. Doesn't it?

[ArchieandElliot]

Yes it does have to end. I'm not ready to think in depth about what to do if I find I can't ever go full term. But I know in the back of my head that it's something I can deal with if I have to. I don't know about the rest of you but personally I can't believe how much my DH and I have come through together. I'm scared too but also still hopeful and that's what keeps us going isn't it, that little bit of hope.
All we can do is keep trying and be here for each other when we need a good rant because no amount of sympathetic head tilts or 'you'll get your baby' from people who haven't a clue will ever help in any way.

[ArchieandElliot]

Do you have or know anyone with cervical erosion? My GP said I have it when I had some spotting in week five and then the consultant mentioned it when he examined me earlier this month. I had to wait ages before the bleeding stopped after this miscarriage and then my period took forever to comeand I got an infection so my DH and I have only just started trying again. Anyway, I have spots of bright red blood mixed with mucus after sex. I'm also on day 16 of my cycle and there's no sign of ovulation on the fertility monitor. I should have started ovulating days ago and I haven't even had a high fertile day let alone the ovulation sign. I was wondering if this is something I should be worried about? I know I should just go to the GP but I'm sick of going there (pardon the pun).

[RudolfThePinkNosedReindeer]

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I don't have any advice about the bleeding or cervical erosion, but after my MC my cycles have been odd ever since - irregular and I never know when I'm going to ovulate (anywhere between day 17 and day 24 seems normal for me these days). Hope this helps a bit...

[RudolfThePinkNosedReindeer]

Urgh so sorry for rubbish post above - I'd come here from the 'most active' list and I hadn't seen the conversation above . Just wanted to say I'm so so sorry to hear about what you've been through and that I really hope next year is better for you x

[Ilovekittyelise]

Hi Archie

Another lady with lost baby's in her nickname - Kitty Elise was my first pregnancy; she had T21 (Down's) and we made the painful decision to terminate at about 14 weeks.

I'm sorry to hear what I would refer to as a fucking awful time; if that causes offence to anyone then they need to grow a thicker skin!

I lost Kitty in August and it took a long time for my cycles to get back to normal; some short, some long, and pretty much all anovulatory I believe. In november I started using the clear blue monitor and peaked day 13 and 14 and got pregnant. I miscarried about 3 days after finding out. I then counted day 2 of miscarriage asa day 1 of new cycle; finally peaked days 18 and 19 this time, and just found out I am pregnant again. I felt really great about it but now im frightened again...anyhow, on the monitor, just bare with it, your hormones will be everywhere with what has happened and it could well take some time to get back to normal, took me a good 3 months after a 14 week pregnancy.

With loads of love and hugs and hope for you.

I hope 2011 brings us all a little more joy

Liz xxx

[pigletmania]

Wow big hugs to you all, makes all my problems pail in comparison, at least I have a happy and healthy dd, and that I should feel thankful for. I have just found out that i am pregnant after 1 MC and trying for 2 years. Cant seem to feel excited until i see it on the scan and hold him/her in my arms. Hope that for you all, 2011 is your year to have a happy and healthy baby

[pigletmania]

Thanks carloss its a miracle really, felt so angry at my failing body in the past that i really hurt myself in that area and thought that i caused myself some damage. I hope that you lovely ladies here will have some good news to, and have a happy and healthy baby in your arms. After reading your humbling stories at least i am greatful that i have a dd and are very thankful for that. She is the one who has helped me get overt things, focusing on looking after dd and not wallowing in self pity.

[pigletmania]

means dear daughter. I hit myself in my overy area quite a few times, gave my tummy quite a bashing, it really hurt for days, i was tipped over the edge by yet another pregnancy announcement on FB, from someone having their 3rd baby.

[pigletmania]

Thats ok i am quite open really. I love winni the poo and piglet and thats where my username originates from

[Saggyoldclothcatpuss]

Hello. I was just lurking about wistfully and stumbled on your thread. I haven't miscarried myself, but my SIL had two. She now has two lovely boys. I wanted to tell you all, although you've probably heard it before, that she was told, that the sex of her first two babies may have influenced her MCing, she just may not be able to carry girls to term. Obviously everyone is different, but this is such a simple thing, and pure chance. Keep hoping and keep positive.

[ArchieandElliot]

Hi everyone. I was hoping for something 'easily fixed' to come from the bloods but no answers, all clear. I hoped that my consultants belief it was due to a blood clotting problem and aspirin might get me through next time was right. He may well tell me to take aspirin anyway, trying anything even if it has a placebo effect. We all need something to cling to don't we?

Carlossss I think I might be a bit weird because I wish they'd put more miscarriage stuff on tv. Not done really badly like they tend to do with important issues on soaps but something like one born every minute where you see what happens when it doesn't all go to plan. One of the many things I found distressing with both miscarriages was the not knowing what was going on. I had more information second time around because of what I'd already been through but a 21 week miscarriage is very different to a 11 week. They took my baby and this time there was no discussions about a service, there was no talk of tests because they said they don't bother that early on, we had no midwife or GP visits to see if I was healing (which I wasn't). I remember thinking 'what are they going to do with my baby?" and crying like mad. My husband made tons of phonecalls, one where they told him they didn't know where the baby was, one where they said the form they got him to sign (when he was distraught with grief and sleep deprivation) said they would dispose of the baby and then one where they said the baby hadn't been cremated yet. They said they'd let us know when it would happen but that phonecall has not come. Anyway, what I mean is we should know the bad stuff so we can prepare ourselves and know what questions to ask before it's too late. I know it would be painful for everyone and bring back horrible memories but we can't shy away from this stuff. We have no choice if it happens or not. It makes me so angry when medical staff talk to me like I'm some idiot who couldn't possibly understand them. I also hate it when they talk like a medical book about my precious baby. When one doctor said "did you pass all of the product?" I clearly said " I held my baby in my hand if that is what you mean". I know they have to pull back and keep things clinical so they don't fall apart at all the pain they see but there should be more of a balance between staying removed and sympathetic to a grieving couple.