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Really upset :(

(33 Posts)
Cheeser Wed 29-Dec-10 14:22:11

Hi everyone

Not sure why I'm writing this but wanted to 'talk' to people who I don't know in real life.

My DP and I have been together 6 years and are very much in love. We have talked about getting married and having children and its very much something I want, he is more cautious but wants to do it eventually. He's always said we'll discuss seriously having children when our financial situation is stable. It is now.

I came off my pill three months ago on doctors orders (breakthrough bleeding) so we've been using condoms if we have sex (which to be honest wasn't very often as we've had an extraordinarily busy few months). Three weeks ago things got a bit steamy in the bathroom and we started having sex without a condom - his move. I pulled away after a few mins saying that we should be more careful. Then two weeks ago he came home from a night out and asked me if I wanted to try for a baby, saying that that's what he wanted, and it was why in the bathroom that time he hadn't wanted to use a condom. So I said yes, and he wanted to do it right then and there. So we did, and have done it about 3 times since then unprotected.

Then last night we had another chat and he said that actually he was drunk that night (he didn't sound drunk, he was able to come and he usually can't or takes ages if he's drunk, I also ASKED him if he was drunk after he said he wanted to try for a baby and he said no.) and he doesn't think he's ready after all.

I am so upset. I was over the moon when he asked me if I wanted to try. Who gets drunk and tells their girlfriend they want to have a baby if they actually don't?

It's worth mentioning that we are financially secure, we own our own home, both have good jobs, I would get a good maternity package (which I researched last week FFS)

I am just so upset about it. He knows I'd love to have a child. He said he's scared of making the decision to go for it in case he regrets it and life changes for the worse.

What if I am already pregnant?! Now I am worrying that if I am, he won't be happy. He said that if that happens he'll deal with it. I'm just really sad. He said that he definitely does want children but not yet, he doesn't feel we've lived enough. We live in a city and haven't had much money to enjoy it properly, now we're in a much better situation and he wants to make the most of our life at the moment. He also has this idea he wants to live abroad but it's not feasible because he has an elderly, increasingly frail mother who he doesn't want to leave, and I also have family ties in this country.

I understand where he's coming from, I just feel so cheated. Has anyone else's DP done this? I know he's not ruled it out but it's the reneging on what he said. I even started taking folic acid sad. We're still relatively young, I'm 28 and he's 29. He's always said he'll be ready when he's 30, which he would be if I got pregnant now.

I'm really angry with him but he's saying he just wants to enjoy life how it is at the moment. We have a mortgage together and often talk about our next house move and where we'll live when we're older etc so I don't doubt he's committed. I've namechanged as I think someone IRL knows who I am on here and I'm embarrassed. Has anyone had a similar experience and everything worked out ok?

SantasMadMissy Wed 29-Dec-10 14:24:20

It sounds as though he is very nervous about being a father?

Cheeser Wed 29-Dec-10 14:42:29

Yes I think you're right. His relationship with his own dad is very bad so I don't think that helps either.

AmandaCooper Wed 29-Dec-10 14:52:08

DH and I can very much identify with your DP. We both feel very confident about ttc when we're caught up in the moment and it's all romantic and lovely, but then we wake up in the morning in the cold light of day and think oh my god what about money, work, time, the fact we haven't been on a strict organic diet for the last three years, etc and we panic. I've even taken the MAP twice.

I can understand your anger as I've felt it myself - but if everything else in your relationship is good, try to be sympathetic and patient. This is after all a colossal, monumental, life changing decision for you both. On the plus side, it sounds like you're able to discuss it and that communication between you is good.

If you're already pg, our view, based on our own feelings, is that it may come as something of a relief.

Cheeser Wed 29-Dec-10 15:10:45

Thanks Amanda that's helpful and reassuring. I still get the wobbles thinking about it as it's such a huge thing, I agree. And I suppose it's a good thing that he's taking it so seriously. I just wish that sometimes he'd just go with his heart and take a chance on something that wasn't thought out to the nth degree.

And you're right, the way that we can discuss it is good. Just doesn't make it any easier. He doesn't understand the yearning I have. He said he's not excited about the idea about becoming a parent, but he does think that when it happens he will be excited because it'll be real, whereas at the moment it's just an idea.

I do feel very lucky to have him and we have a fantastic relationship in every other way, I will try and be more patient. It's just so frustrating that my want for children is not logical (mainly hormonal) while his reasons for waiting are all logical and practical.

AmandaCooper Wed 29-Dec-10 16:02:36

I think from the woman's point of view as well you almost don't want to overthink it, otherwise you can get hung up on fears of pregnancy and childbirth. Dwelling on it month after month isn't that helpful.

How long has this been a serious thing for you and how long have you been discussing it with DP?

Cheeser Wed 29-Dec-10 16:21:09

I have always wanted children - when I imagined my life at say 40 I always hoped/assumed/dreamed that I'd have at least one child, and I've always made this known. He has always been very driven by his work and tbh not really thought too much about children, but now does say that he would definitely like to have a family.

About a year ago my family kept on saying 'when you have children' etc etc and mum was putting pressure on for grandchildren which I think scared him as he asked me to ask them not to keep bringing it up, that when we decided to do it, it would be our decision, not that of anyone else. He said that we would really properly discuss it when we got into credit (we've been paying back a lot of debt for the last three years, and it's finally cleared and we're getting in front). We haven't properly spoken about it, since then, until the last few weeks. Sorry, that probably doesn't make much sense in terms of timings.

So basically it's always been a serious thing for me, I've just stifled it down because I knew that DP wasn't ready and the situation wasn't right. But now it is right, and he's still got cold feet. I have no other choice but to wait, have I.

minipie Wed 29-Dec-10 16:38:19

Cheeser, I do empathise with you - especially when you say "It's just so frustrating that my want for children is not logical (mainly hormonal) while his reasons for waiting are all logical and practical."

I am exactly the same way - I am used to justifying my actions logically not emotionally - and I find it very hard to say "Why do I want a child? Well I just DO, ok?"

But, actually, no-one has children for logical practical reasons. Everyone (including men) has them for emotional reasons. And everyone (or almost) is scared they will regret it (but almost nobody does).

It sounds as if he does want children (so agrees with the "emotional" reasons for having them) but his fear says "not yet". My DH is a bit like this. I think you need to ask him why waiting will help. Will he really feel any less scared if he has a year of partying first? Or is it just general scaredness about having a child, in which case it will be just the same in a year? If it's scaredness, reassure him that that is totally normal and everyone feels like that.

Also, this sounds daft, but I'm not sure all men really register that it takes time to conceive and grow a baby - some seem to think if they agree to it, there is suddenly a child tomorrow. Worth reminding him that you wouldn't actually have a baby until next autumn at the very earliest, so there would still be time to have at least 9 months of coupley fun first.

Anyway, good luck. I don't think you have to "just wait", I think it's worth speaking to your DH to get him to analyse why he wants to wait and whether it's really something that will change with more time (like wanting to do a specific thing first) or whether it's something that will always be there and he just needs to accept or get past (like fear of his life changing).

minipie Wed 29-Dec-10 16:43:28

By the way, I think it's pretty horrid of your DP to have said he wanted to TTC and then taken it back blaming drunkenness, though to give him the benefit of the doubt he may well be quite confused right now. It suggests his heart and his head are having a bit of a battle.

Anyway, you want TTC to be a genuinely mutual decision so do make sure you use a condom until there has been a calm, agreed decision not to (not a decision made in the throes of passion IYSWIM).

Cheeser Wed 29-Dec-10 17:01:44

Thanks minipie. He did acknowledge that to wait a year wouldn't change much, I asked him that q last night. He said that if he could agree to it now, and it happen in 18 months, he would definitely say yes. I think he's just worried that if we go ahead now, we could have a baby in 9 months. I've pointed out that it's unlikely to happen straight away. But maybe you're right - maybe we need to have another chat where he explains what exactly he thinks will happen if we wait another year.

We were half thinking of moving next year too, maybe he's just anxious of changing too many things at once.

Have to admit that I can't remember how we left it - I was quite upset and we were in a restaurant so not exactly the best place.

I also think it's horrible to agree to TTC then take it back, cruel even. Especially as he knows how much I want to. But I do think he's confused.

I don't think it's that he desperately wants to do something first, I think he's just scared of his life changing. We do have a good life at the moment, enough money to go out for dinner when we want, can go to museums exhibitions or whatever when we want, we are quite free. I think he's scared he'll be drastically cutting off his options. I'm under no illusions and I'm sure that having a baby will make some things much harder, but I also think it will improve our lives overall and we'll be able to give a nice little life to a little person who will be loved to the moon and back.

I think we need to have another chat tonight.

AmandaCooper Wed 29-Dec-10 18:06:57

I don't think it was horrible of him. A bit insensitive maybe, but it's not like he feels this way on purpose, or set this all up. And you wouldn't want him to bottle these feelings up and not tell you about them.

While minipie's advice about using condoms is good (hi minipie by the way) I think there's a large number of couples who move towards parenthood by being increasingly more careless about contraception until it just happens. This might work for your DP. I honestly think that after over a year of this with DH we are nearly there.

minipie Wed 29-Dec-10 18:17:55

Hi AC, how's things. as you can probably tell I'm still having the when to TTC debate with my DH (I am still saying May, he is saying "maybe" hmm). Glad to hear you are moving forward with your DH - I don't think the increasingly careless thing would work for me (too much of a control freak) but can see it would work if you both want to in theory but can't quite persuade yourselves to take the leap.

Cheeser - him agreeing to a baby in 18 months (and therefore starting to TTC in, let's say, 5 months, allowing 4 months for you to get pg) doesn't sound like a bad position to be in. Could you live with waiting 5 months to start to TTC? Look on it as a last opportunity to drink all the cocktails you want, get yourself in great health pre-pregnancy, do all the conception research, etc? Sounds like he's come a fair way - could you meet him in the middle?

expatinscotland Wed 29-Dec-10 18:22:32

I divorced my husband, we split when I was 28, because he didn't want children, so I'm pretty useless when it comes to advice.

But if you're pregnant now, please don't let him cajole you into an abortion because he changed his mind.

AmandaCooper Wed 29-Dec-10 18:26:43

Minipie I am SO nervous about this month. I feel that the agreement we've got to ttc is so fragile! I'm ramping everything up on the sly to maximise my chances in the hope that he'll actually do it and it's looking promising! Today's CD5 so it's almost D day. I could do with a bfp first month before either of us change our silly minds!

Cheeser Wed 29-Dec-10 19:40:56

minipie I suppose put like that isn't too bad - with the 5 months before we TTC allowing 4 months to get pregnant. I can live with that. I just don't want it to get to the time and then him to back out again. But that does make it sound like a compromise, could be a good way to get him on board.

expat - he would never cajole me into an abortion, he said last night that if I was pregnant already then it would be fine and he'd get on with it, but it wouldn't be ideal. Definitely no abortions here. Expat how long did you 'give' your exH re the no children issue? Did you know he felt that strongly when you married him? Has he later changed his mind/has children of his own? Hope you don't mind me asking

Cheeser Thu 30-Dec-10 09:01:35

Oh and meant to say thanks minipie and amanda, and expat, for your input. Good to know I'm not alone. And good luck with your respective TTC.

Cheeser Thu 30-Dec-10 09:41:55

We didn't have a chat last night, thought I'd leave it for a few days.

This morning I am feeling very nauseous and couldn't stomach my cup of tea. Is it too early for symptoms? Am on CD15. We last had sex a week ago, and then a week before that, just after period. Or am I imagining things. I definitely feel very queasy. And it's very, very odd for me not to stomach morning tea. sad

AmandaCooper Thu 30-Dec-10 12:15:56

Well it wouldn't be impossible to get pg on CD 8 but it's quite unlikely. And it's also quite unlikely that you'd have symptoms so soon. So don't worry.

AmandaCooper Thu 30-Dec-10 12:20:25

If you can stomach it (I imagine they're quite boring!) read back some of the waiting to ttc to see how far my DH has come in the last year or so. When we started out talking about ttc he said he'd rather kill himself than have a baby.

AmandaCooper Thu 30-Dec-10 12:21:06

* waiting to ttc threads

minipie Thu 30-Dec-10 17:56:03

just popping back on here briefly to wish AC good luck with her TTC (hoping you get a BFP in there before your DH's feet turn icy again)

and good luck to Cheeser with her chat with DH of course. I have no idea whether you may be pg or not but hope you get your DH to be less scared (or at least recognise that everyone gets scared) either way.

AmandaCooper Thu 30-Dec-10 23:13:18

Thanks minipie, hopefully we will all conquer our fear of this before we erm retire! Not long till May you know!

hippychick66 Sat 01-Jan-11 14:39:35

I know everyones situation is different so cannot compare mine at all but just wanted you to know that he just sounds very scared.

My situation:- My DH said yes he was ready, so i came off the pill, then he said he wasn't ready after all. HOWEVER, i thought that i would go with his first answer, so i did not go BACK on the pill. I fell pregnant and he was absolutely fine - we have 2 DSs and my hubbie always says having children was the best decision he NEVER made. He wishes we'd started earlier so we could have had more. i think he would have dithered back and forth forever.

I'm not saying trap him - because that would be wrong. All I'm saying is maybe he is just finding it hard to fully commit to the idea. In my hubbie's case there was a whole bunch of stuff from his childhood that was causing an emotional barrier. And it has been a long road to work through that.

DH is so pleased that i took his first answer and ignored his wobble. BUT as I say, I am not suggesting you should just try without your BFs agreement.

Try to talk to him about what his reservations are. You are still very young and have lots of time, but i do remember the moment when my DH did an about-turn and said maybe we shouldn't do it after all - and it was heartbreaking.

Sending you lots of love at this stressful time, my love.
x

hippychick66 Sat 01-Jan-11 14:40:58

I've just realised that I had only read the original post before i ploughed in and put my message - so sorry if it clashes with stuff others have said - just leapt in!

AmandaCooper Sat 01-Jan-11 21:51:38

Hippychick that is helpful.

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