How to treat friend's sensitivity???

[Frankief]

I have a couple of friends who are having difficulty trying to conceive and would welcome a bit of advice as I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings or come accross as insensitive. Both friends already have one child. Friend 1 is on her forth attempt at IVF, as always remained positive seemingly takes everything in her stride. Friend 2 is very sensitive seems very down most of the time (she has been trying to conceive for 18 months and has no explicable reason for not yet conceiving). She quite often says how it is not fair, why me? etc... and I just don't know how to react to her. For example my sister is pregnant, I mentioned it in passing to both freinds as they both know her (didn't want to make a bid deal) Friend 1, seemed pleased asked lots of questions etc.. Friend 2 either didn't respond or didn't hear me.

Any advice on how I should be with friend 2. I feel as if I am treading on eggshells all the time, have to watch what I say. I don't feel I can behave naturally with her - e.g. don't feel I can talk about my 2 children (one is a baby) and I don't feel I can talk about babies. It is putting a strain on our friendship, when I actually feel like I would like to support her more.

[Frankief]

Anybody?

[staceym11]

dont really knwo what to suggest, all i can really say is imagine how you'd feel, it must be really hard wanting something that bad, maybe mention to her that you dont know how to be and wether she'd prfer you not to talk about pregnacies/babies, i know it'l be hard but at least you'l know where you stand!

[mymama]

I agree with Stacey. I think you need to have a chat about it and see if she prefers that you mention it or not. It is hard when you have to watch what you say, especially when it comes time when your sister gives birth which obviously you will be excited about a new niece or nephew.

[Scatterbrain]

I agree with Stacey too - I remember when I was TTC and my friend told me she was pregnant - I just burst into tears and cried for ages - it was like a floodgate had opened and she didn't know what to say/do ! Thing is I wasn't upset with her - but just deeply sad that it wasn't me ! Mind you - if she hadn't have told me and I'd heard from someone else I would have been gutted.

Definitely have a chat !

[katierocket]

I've been TTC no 2 for 18 months and it is really really hard. Some days are better than others but I often feel low about it and yes, there does seem to be pregnant women/ small babies everywhere. That said, you shoudn't feel as though you can't mention it. If she's a really good friend I would tell her how you feel. Alternatively just take the lead from her, if she wants to talk about it she will. I'm kind of at the stage where I can't really talk about it anymore because a) it depresses me and b) there isn't really much more to say.

[Frankief]

Thanks for the advice. I am seeing Friend 2 tomorrow - i'll see how receptive she is about talking and perhaps tell her how I feel...just don't want to make her feel even worse. I might just say that if she wants to talk it's up to her otherwise I'll just wait for her to bring the subject up.

The whole thing just shows you are different two people are and the contract in how they deal with things - Friend 2 quite of jokes about her lack of fertility...amazing that she can maintain such a sense of humour. I just want to do the right thing for both of them.

[munz]

tbh i'm in this situation now, a friend and I started TTC whithin 3 months of each otehr (we did first then they did) anyhow, i've thankfully managed to get PG, under went the inital tests etc for fertility, she however is still on the waiting list - she gets upset I get angry with the hospital staff etc.. anyhow, I was deading saying I was PG - esp as it looks like she may have PCOS, anyhow she was really supportive. now thou I find things have definatly changed for the worst I fear - she obviously is hurting over their probs still and I don't want to upset her so basically i've come to the conclusion that if she wants to talk to me she will and ask about the baby etc. is she doesn't ask I don't talk to her about things - it's a horrible situation to be in - really I suppse I take my que from her iycwim. I do always try to give her a positive for every negative she says thou ie/ she's not PG after a year - well yes but 6 months of that didn't have reg periods, not she has regualr periods etc..

[MeerkatsUnite]

Munz,

Was wondering if either you or your friend have heard about Verity?. It's the UK based charitable organisation for PCOS patients and this may actually help you both, especially her.

Their website address iss www.verity-pcos.org.uk.

[munz]

meeks - yes i've passed all the info onto her, and any info i've had form us when were were having probs (I also had a hormone imbalance which thankfully has corrected it'self as far as we know) thing is thou she just doens't seem to be intrested in my trying to help/advise her, so tbh i've given up with it. I know that sounds horrible but after a year of her being down me picking her up and it's always thrown back, i'm sort of thinging well why do it - hence the taking my que from her now if she wants to talk she will do.

Frank - don't know about ur friedn but mine has trouble telling/talking to her DH about things - might be a problem for ur friend as well?

[Bella23]

Frankief - I am in the same position as your friend. My best friend and I both got pregnant at the same time ( i had been trying for 6 months and she only one month) I then had a miscarriage and have been TTC ever since. My BF has gone on to have a wonderful little girl and I can say that there have been many times that I have been very upset and indeed hav done the "why me" scenario. I basically told my friend how I felt and she was very sensitive to my feelings. I have to admit there were times when I simply couldn't see her - I did however always tell her how I felt.
I would advice at the end of the day to ask your friend how she feels and to just carry on with your normal conversation as somedays will be good and others not so good.
Good luck and hope this advice helps

[Frankief]

Thank you all for the advice. I am seeing my friend this evening. I guess the thing I find difficult is 'editting' what I say. I am a very open/honest person and I find it unnatural to have to curtial things. I guess I need to remind myself how she might be feeling and put myself in her shoes.

I don't how her dp feels, although I do know that he wanted to wait a while after having their first child before trying for no. 2.

My friend doesn't really talk about the way she feels, she is quite a private person. I think most of what I understand about the way she is feeling is through her behaviour rather than her telling me. This does make is difficult as quite often I am just guessing. She is just generally miserable and down and says the whole conceiving things is getting to her, doesn't seem to want to say much more.

[CHOCOLATEPEANUT]

Just read this.

I too am TTC.I am have one daughter aged 23mths and had a stillborn daughter in April this year.

My friend was pregnant with me and she had her baby two weeks ago.I am going to see him tomorrow.

She has said that she feels awkward around me and I have tried to reassure her.The fact is TTC is awful BUT I like your friend already am lucky enough to have one child.So many people here on this site are still waiting to be blessed.

I think as hard as it sounds you have to count your blessings and not your misfortune.I think to be openly upset about somebody elses good news is very selfish.I admit I find it hard to be around pg women and small babies.But remembering the joy I felt when I had my first child, I would not want to miss out in sharing that with somebody else.

Sorry if this offends anyone,I just feel lucky to have my little girl who is a joy.

[Frankief]

I saw my friend yesterday but we didn't talk too much about ttc. Although I asked an open question about how she was feeling. She day OK but that when I had told her that my sister was pg it put her in a really misrerable mood for days and that she wishes I hadn't told her. I felt terrible, did I really do the wrong thing? Wouldn't it have been weird if she had found out some other way?

She seems to think that everybody elses life is perfect (including mine) which it certainly isn't - I guess I don't bother telling her my problems in case of sounding trivial compared to hers. I just wishe I could say something positive to her without sounding like I am being unsupportive and insenstive.

[katierocket]

Frankie I think you have done all you can. It sounds as though you are being really kind and TBH if she feels like that there is little you can do to help. HOwever hard it is TTC (and I really do know), it's not fair of her to make you feel bad.

[Bella23]

Frankief - would like to echo Katierocket in saying that you have done all that you can.
I know it is hard to stay positive all the time but she has to at least try!
If she insists on being miserable about the whole thing then let her get on with it knowing that you have tried your best to help her.
Her depressive attitude won't be helping her TTC either!!

[mymama]

Frankief I agree that there is probably not much you can do. Only your friend can get herself through this. On the other hand I think it was pretty awful of her to say that you made her miserable because of your sister's news. Any conversation with her must be strained because you are trying to avoid all things baby. I feel for you having to constantly think about what you say to her.

[hunkermunker]

When I was TTC (having been told I'd never have children when I was 22) - I found it stressful and difficult to talk about how I was feeling about my situation.

BUT I also realised that other friends shouldn't be made to feel like crap just because they were pregnant. And I knew damn well that if I didn't have children ever, I'd want my friends around and to be part of their children's lives.

I think your friend is depressed. And you weren't wrong to mention your sister's pg - she's just not in a happy enough frame of mind to be able to realise she's being irrational.

Can you say to her that you think she might need to see a counsellor?

[staceym11]

i think the main jist of this thread is right, you have basically done all you can to help her and you cant avoid all things baby as you have a child and your life revolves around them, maybe you jsut have to be brave and come out with how shes making you feel and how uncomfortable it is seeing her without being able to talk, and yes suggesting she talks to someone about it is probably best.

[TaiTai]

Frankief,

Before deciding not to do anything else, if I was you I would think honestly about the history of your friendship. Is her current attitude simply her personality, or is she being particularly over-sensitive at the moment? If the former, then you should think about whether you want her in your life and to what degree. If the latter, then she might be depressed and you will probably want to offer her support. Either way, if you continue to see her then you need to set boundaries.

I have a friend who is very competitive. She was jealous when I became pregnant even though she wasn't trying to conceive at that point. She then started trying straight away. It took her several months. During that time she hardly contacted me (and when she did, only by email). I felt that she wasn't very interested in my pregnancy. I knew she would call me as soon as she was pregnant and sure enough, that's what happened. I was annoyed that she could only be supportive and happy for me if she was in the same position, but I decided that that was the way she was. Was like that about my getting married before her, too. However, I enjoy seeing her now and then, it is good to have another friend who is off work and a mother. So now I see her when it's convenient but I wouldn't class her a really good friend anymore and wouldn't invest a lot of emotional energy in her.

If you still want your friend in your life, I would take the bull by the horns and tackle the matter head-on. I would ask your friend for a for a chat and tell her that you'd been thinking about her since you last met and what she said about you telling her your sister was pregnant. I would say that you understand she is feeling down and you want to support her, but although you are willing and ready to be sensitive to her feelings, you feel sad that you can't share all the good things in your life (like sister's pregnancy) or even your troubles. Say you miss being able to speak openly like you used to(if that's true!!). Tell her your life isn't perfect, that if she is struggling maybe she should get some counselling, that she is entitled to feel upset but you would like to be able to share your life fully with her.

Sorry this is so long.

[Frankief]

Thanks so much for the useful advice. I will have a think about how to approach things next time I see her. It is quite often will her ds and my dd so there isn't much chance to talk.

I really appreciate those of you who are ttc and have given your perspective - it must be very difficult and I admire your strength and positive attitude.