Whisky-drinking Silk-cut smoking foul-mouthed 30-something hitherto unsuccessful TTCer seeks like-minded companions. Babydusters need not apply.

[BlooferLady]

Now then you lot. I've got a 40 pack of menthol fags from my mate that just got back from Croatia, a slightly dusty bottle of Bison Grass vodka I'm not sure what to do with, and a carrier bag full of cheap eBay pregnancy tests.

Obviously it's a bit lonely in here at the moment so I'd be glad to see anyone, but please be assured that given I've been pissing on my own fingers trying to aim it onto the bloody eBay tests for a year now to no avail, those in the first month of trying for their fourth child might be met with a) a stony stare followed by b) convulsive bouts of weeping .

Disclaimer: you don't actually need to be a smoker. I'm not some kind of maniac.

[GetDownYouWillFall]

"Babydusters need not apply" - here here.

[mylifewithstrangers]

Sadly I'm not TTC now, but if I was I'd like to join your gang!

[BlooferLady]

Yo, GetDown! Annoying isn't it?! Although equally I do feel that babydusters are possibly quite NICE, and then I feel bad. Not bad though.

Fancy a drink? My mate Big Jon tells me this vodka is good with apple juice. That's practically two of our five-a-day!

[BlooferLady]

Hello MyLife! You can definitely hang out for a bit, no worries, not least since your name sounds like a Chekhov play .

[GetDownYouWillFall]

Yes a drink please. Evil Red Tide of Doom arrived this morning and I am super p*ssed off.

[GetDownYouWillFall]

I have a confession to make. I do actually have a DD. But just one.

[BlooferLady]

Oh pal. How FILTHY, I am sorry. I have concocted this here rather sticky drink - 60% vokda, 40% apple. do you the very power of good. At the risk of sounding like I'm instituting a list - how many Red Tides has it been?

[BlooferLady]

Oh that's all right. You can still talk to me .

[GetDownYouWillFall]

60% vodka, 40% apple sounds like good proportions to me. Pour me two.

There's been a few Evil Red Tides, but last one was a slightly bigger and more depressing tide than usual as it was a MC.

[RamWoman]

Hello Bloofer. Can I join your gang? I'm new to Mumsnet and I have literally no idea who you are.

[EldaMinger]

Thought I'd pop by to have a virtual fag and a large vodka.

Apparently, the best thing to do with Bison Grass vodka is make jello shots (how 90s).

[EldaMinger]

Ramwoman Your face looks rather familiar.

[BlooferLady]

Christ GetDown I am so sorry. That's absolutely NOT ON. I know that under difficult circumstances people being all huggy and sweet-natured just makes me cry, so I am going to stand a little distance away from you and punch you manfully on the shoulder and hand you another glass.

RamWoman you may ebslootley join in. I am thinking of creating some sort of terrifying initiation ceremony - any ideas welcomed.

Elda I already have a crush on based purely on your name and your retro choice of alcomaholic refreshments.

Hey! This is fun!

[mylifewithstrangers]

Checkov-shmekov, I was going more for BPD with a smidge of realism!

Trouble is those babydusters really ARE nice, too fecking nice. They suck you in and smother you with personal posts on a daily basis. If you can't keep up your name gets left off the daily roundup posts, which just leads to shame, and you end up shuffling off in a worn old dressing gown, mumbling about POAS, Agnus Castus and preseed.

[GetDownYouWillFall]

Thanks for the manly punch Bloofer .... 'ppreciated.

[EldaMinger]

This is fun.

Apart from for GetDown. Sorry to hear about the crushingly appalling horrible thing to have happen. May I suggest gin?

Mylife And that is why lists are wrong.

Can you mix Agnus Castus in cocktail form?

[BlooferLady]

MyLife you sound very much like a woman after my (lack of) heart. If it helps, I promise that on this thread I will be really chilly and unsupportive and forget your name?

I hope you don't mind my asking, but are you not TTCing because you are taking Other Routes?

[RamWoman]

GetDown, have a buck up old chap arm punch from me also. I'm very sorry :(

BTW, I'm not insinuating anyfing or nuffing, but the phrase "evil red tide of (fucking) doom" seems a little familiar to me. Hmmmm.

[BlooferLady]

RamBint you are new to MN non? Terminology spreads like fucking wildfire. Anything but Aunt Flo, which I can't even type out without rolling my eyes so far back I am permanently blinded.

[RamWoman]

Oh yes. I'm new to MN. I almost forgot.

[AnyFuleKno]

I'm not TTC but you're funny Bloofer, I like your style

[BlooferLady]

Oooo FANKS AnyFule . And I, madam, like your Molesworth style! Now how about adding another to your brood, purely to join our gang? Or would that be a touch excessive

[mylifewithstrangers]

BlooferBint, not in the TTC game anymore. We finally managed to hatch 2 in the end. Good enough for me.

Will cheer on your efforts with a merry galss or two of your apple concotion . Just don't go doing any of that baby-dancing - just leads to sprained ankles from what I hear.

[RamWoman]

I'm not awfully sure, but I think AnyFule may find that a bit difficult at present.

All eligible entrants welcome! In you come!

[mylifewithstrangers]

Gah glass - obviously had one too many already