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How to not become completely obsessed with wanting to be pg??

(18 Posts)
RudolfThePinkNosedReindeer Tue 30-Nov-10 19:04:55

Hello ladies, I could do with your advice (I've also posted this on the miscarriage boards). I am ttc #1 and stopped taking the pill in february. I fell pg quickly afterwards, but miscarried at 8 1/2 weeks in June. I've been ttc with no luck since then. 

I'm aware that my journey to successfully conceive and take a baby home could be long and rocky and so i need to somehow get a life outside outside of ttc but I'm worried that I'm already completely obsessed about how I'm desperate to be pregnant. Everywhere I look I see rounded pregnant bellies, or Facebook pregnancy announcements, or get a message from another friend to say that she's pregnant, and each time it feels like I've been kicked in the stomach.  All I can think about all day is how much I want a baby, and each time AF arrives it's becoming more and more heartbreaking. 

I can't help but think that if I could just distract myself and somehow forget about what cd I am on or when AF is due it would be easier to get on with my life but how??? I've tried the big holiday, but when that ends it's back to the usual heartache again. I know lots of people go through much worse, but I really am finding this quite a struggle at the moment so any words of advice from people that have made it out of the other side of this without going completely doolally would be very gratefully received. 

kat2504 Tue 30-Nov-10 19:10:37

Hi pink sorry no words of wisdom but your post describes just how I feel too. It is quite all-consuming and I suspect that those of us who have recently MC'd feel it all the more.

I suspect that the usual answers would be find something else to focus on in your life, a goal relating to work, a project or somesuch. I'm sure plenty of people think "just relax and it will happen" (I also want to punch those people). I guess I just find that the obsessing and the cbfm and all that gives me the illusion of control over what seems to be a lottery of luck.

Sorry I don't have much to say that helps. Distractions are the obvious answer, work, travel, home improvements, fitness, education, etc etc etc but they can seem so unimportant next to the baby-goal.

broodycoilsout Tue 30-Nov-10 19:12:58

im so sorry to hear about your experiences, cant imagine what you've been through.

you're right-everyone on facebook does seem to be pregnant at the moment-and those that arent have a newborn!

if you find the answer to not feeling so distracted, please share it around, there are plenty of us who also need the answer to that question!

best wishes

duchesse Tue 30-Nov-10 19:18:05

Tough one. I really feel for you. I went completely mad for about 3 years at the start of ttc, then slumped into depression for 2, then just decided to let it all go and move on. I didn't do it deliberately, just needed to to survive mentally at the time. It was hard. The practical expression of letting go was that I gave away all my baby things to friends' real live babies.

Hang in there. You feel like you're alone, but you're not. Find the Hut of Gloom on the conception thread- they are a very supportive bunch.

gemitygem Tue 30-Nov-10 19:19:33

I remember feeling like that so can completely relate to what you are feeling. I think no matter how much you tell yourself not to keep thinking about it or get obsessed with it you will, I just had to acept I was going to be thinking about it all the time.

I had a miscarraige too and the only thing that helped me get over it was when I became pregnant again.

Anyway in the end I got there, always wanted 4 children and now I have got them. Was a struggle getting them and put soooooooo much pressure on my relationship and everything to do with sex. Nice to be making love just for the sake of it again.

I hope it happens for you soon xxxx

PacificDogwood Tue 30-Nov-10 19:23:10

My sympathies: to your loss and what you are going through now.

Here is what helped me (but it is a very personal process so feel free to ignore smile):

Other people's pregnancies/babies did not hurt me as I did not want their baby, I wanted mine.

There is not a finite 'pool' of babies; just because somebody else had one, does not mean the chances of me having one one day are any less.

The fact that I had actually conceived was A Good Thing. I had proven I could become pregnant; no reason to think I could not do it again.

1 in 5 healthy couples will take more than 1 year to conceive - time is on my side (even though I was over 30 when we TTC hmm)

So, after 3 early miscarriages I ended up having 4 DSs smile (with 1 further miscarriage somewhere along the way).

Don't dispair, distract yourself, get on with life - I know it all sounds trite, but you have no choice, to be honest. Whether you obsess about it or not, it will take its own sweet time.

After my 3rd MC I did start thinking about whether I had to think about a life without children IYKWIM - thankfully I never had to actually confront that option, but actually pondering it made me realise that I could probably survive unwanted childlessness if I had to.

Very very best of luck.

tiredfeet Tue 30-Nov-10 19:28:24

Hi, have been there! It took us 19 months to conceive. I found keeping busy really did help, as did hiding updates from pregnant people on facebook. Conception threads here are so supportive but also don't spend rtoo much time her, as it won't help you stop thinking about it. I would decide in advance each month on a treat to buy if af arrived, eg perfume, meal out or similar.

Currently typing this one hamded whislt breastfeeding my beautiful baby boy, so please keep faith that you will get there

HmRo Tue 30-Nov-10 20:17:18

Hi, still there too grin
is anyone else not telling other too! I constantly feel like i am imaging that 'pregnant feeling' and after a year from mc other half is being amazing but ......... distraction definitely what is needed!!
Is anyone else a runner/jogger? have you continued training and racing? hmm

Balletpink Tue 30-Nov-10 20:41:58

Have you tried temping? I know lots of women this has worked for as cycles vary and it takes the guesswork out of ovulation.

If you don't want to try a method/have tried and nothing has worked, here's what I would do. Tell yourself you are planning on getting pg next May. You will get pg next May. Until that point you are NOT actively trying. No cycle counting, definitely no posting on here every day symptom spotting etc. No checking baby clothes out in the shops. If someone announces they are pg, great! It'll be you next May smile. Holidays are for enjoying, not for forgetting. CDs? What, those shiny round things? wink.

The fact is you will not of course be going back on the pill in the meantime but that's because you are giving your body the break it needs from chemicals wink

You really need to believe you are NOT trying to get pg and for this you really have to make a commitment to yourself that you ARE going to get pg next May, so you're letting yourself off the hook with everything else conception-wise until that time. You are YOU again, just as you were before February. In May you'll pick up your TTC again. Put it in your diary. Tell your friends or whoever that you'll be TTC again in May. Hide/give away/chuck away anything in relation to babies you've collected recently - baby books/clothes/pg tests. You won't be needing them until NEXT MAY smile

escapeartist Wed 01-Dec-10 14:44:12

I don't have much to add to everything everyone has said on here - you have pretty much covered it and have given some fantastic advice.

Balletpink what a great piece of advice. I have only spoken about ttc with 2 or 3 of my friends. One of my friends said that ALL of her friends who ever wanted children have had them, no matter how much they fretted over the process or what problems they had. That kind of made me feel better. Another friend said (who doesn't have and doesn't want babies) said something along the lines of what Ballet said: 9 out of 10 people will get pregnant over 2 years, obsessing about the now is not helpful. She kind of put it differently, but both pieces of advice were about the bigger picture - where will you be in 2 years!

I have been stressing over it as we are moving next December and need to have had the baby by then (for maternity leave reasons, as I am sole earner at the moment) otherwise we need to put on hold for a whole other year

I am a runner HMRo actually more of a triathlete and I have found that setting race goals has helped me a lot. So if I am not pregnant by mid Jan I have a half marathon to look forward to, and then a half Ironman in May etc etc etc. This is what keeps me sane, training and racing. Not sure what will happen once PG confused

HmRo Wed 01-Dec-10 16:56:07

Love the advice Balletpink.
Thanks escapeartist, not told anyone at running club so feels weird sometimes..... do you lower your training goals? did my slowest marathon ever worried about over doing it! i am being wooly? blush

Vics79 Wed 01-Dec-10 17:57:35

Rudolph, I’m in exactly the same position and miscarried #1 at 7 wks in July. I too have been obsessing and it really is all i think and worry about and quite frankly has sent me dullaly. Just to add to my misery, I often think how I should be 6 months pregnant by now. I know it is not healthy, yet I guess it is all about an underlying fear that it will never happen for us. It is galling when someone announces their pregnancy, I even can’t stand reading about celebrities being pregnant. Sorry these are obviously not words of advice but although you may feel like it when none of your friends seem to be struggling, it’s just to show you that you’re really not alone. I think PacificDogwood’s advice is brilliant especially as she went on to have 4 kids. I think being positive about getting pregnant before is one way to stay calm. Doctors often say, allow a year for hormones to become stable after the pill, yet you got pregnant fairly quickly. So you’re obviously ovulating, tubes are open, cervical fluid is good etc etc. Obviously I don't practice what i preach. I think I am going down BalletPinks way of thinking that to pretend we are not actively trying. That’s good advice. I had deadlines of my 31st birthday, then Christmas, which adds to pressure as they come and go.
Anyway, it will happen. it really will.

escapeartist Wed 01-Dec-10 18:36:06

HmRo I have not lowered my training or racing goals, though a couple of times when I thought I might have been PG, I did take it easy and avoided mountain biking...
I do think a Half Ironman that I did last June meant I did not ov that month, and have since been racing a less and shorter stuff. On the other hand trying to not put my life on hold, so making plans to race normally next year...

I have told one of my running buddies, who was also ttc and has been for 3 years (she just got pregnany with twins after IVF, so I massively happy for her, despite crying over other people's PG announcements...) but keeping it quiet from everyone else.

Have also made sure I have gained a few extra lbs, as my doctor half suggested I was underweight...

Vicks79 I know what you mean about "deadlines"I am turning 30 next week and, although I try not to, I always think about how I thought I would have a baby by now And then of course it's Xmas etc. Got very stressed last year when my dad was slowly getting worse and worse from cancer wanting to be able to tell him that I was pregnant before h passed away. Of course the stress didn't help the whole process

We should all take a leaf out of ballet's book and try and give ourselves some time! It will happen... Good luck to all!

HmRo Wed 01-Dec-10 20:58:20

escapeartist in no danger of not carrying enough weight grin

my father has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer, with a very short prognosis sad i would love to be pregnant and for there to be a chance of him being therefore the birth too.......but stress does not help and in time...... smile

RudolfThePinkNosedReindeer Wed 01-Dec-10 21:13:45

Hello all, thank you SO much for your replies. I'm sorry there's so many other people that are/have felt like this but it's so reassuring to hear your stories of how things will get better and hopefully we'll all have a happy ending to the ttc mission!!

gemitygem and pacific that is such a great story that you went on to have 4 children!!

tiredfeet I think the treat idea is brilliant, I'll definitely be doing that!

HmRo I am gradually realising that PMT symptoms are exactly the same as pg!! D-oh!

ballet that is such a great idea, I'd not thought of that but think it is brilliant! I'll have to work a bit on convincing myself that I'm not ttc but reckon it could work a treat.

vics sorry for your loss Fingers crossed things will happen very soon for you, you too Kat

escape I'm really sorry to hear about your dad, that must have been very hard for you

Thanks to everyone else too, I really appreciate you all taking the time to write back. I'm trying to focus on spending some time to think of a project that I'd like to do but haven't made time to do up until now. Over the last couple of months I've also taken up yoga which I've found so helpful as it really relaxes me and I think it's making me more toned as well which is a nice extra bonus!

broodycoilsout Thu 02-Dec-10 10:17:22

just felt i sould add to pacifics experiences, i used to work with a woman who always wanted 3 dcs, she had misscarriages berfore her ds and inbetween her ds2 and dd. all r well now and she has 3 very healthy happy grown up children now

escapeartist Thu 02-Dec-10 12:03:09

HmRo sorry to hear about your dad's diagnosis. It is not an easy time but my bit of advice is make sure you are there (depending on your relationship of course). I put pretty much everything else on hold for as long as my dad fought and i have not regretted it at all. I nursed him to the end (healthcare here in Greece not what it is in the UK by any means...) I was scared it would have an effect on my very fresh marriage (literally got married two days before my dad went into hospital before it all went downhill) but I think it bonded us.

TTC is stressful business and I now realise I should not have put me (and my DH) under all this pressure to conceive.

broody I do think that most people do eventually get the DC they want - it is very reassuring to think about it in the long term.

HmRo Thu 02-Dec-10 23:11:03

escapeartist thanks for sharing - great advice.

i think broody is right, eventually it all works out.

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