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Hopes and fears

(14 Posts)
pearlcrystal Sun 28-Nov-10 19:23:41

Dear All,

Brand new to mumsnet and found the talk website while sitting round feeling very sorry for myself indeed...

My husband and I have been trying to conceive for 15 months now and are beginning to wonder if something might be wrong - so we have ventured to the GP and been given the usual instructions regarding blood test and 'swimmers' sample - procedures we are beginning to go through.

It has been really awkward talking to people about this: as our friends who tried to have kids have all succeeded in getting pregnant pretty quickly...
I am also getting a bit tired of everyone's wisdom on the topic - we've had everything from 'you're just not trying hard enough' to 'you just need to get drunk and it will definitely happen' to the most frequent (and probably least helpful) ' it will happen when you stop worrying about it and the time is right'.

I love all the children of my friends, but have begun to turn into a horrible person that is jealous and have once even burst into tears upon hearing that close friends of ours are pregnant. I don?t want to be this kind of person!!
It?s not that I ever wish that my friends don?t have their lovely children, it?s just that I?d like to be a part of this too?

I have a horrible feeling that I am letting everyone down ? both my husband?s and my family have expressed a strong desire for a grandchild/ great-grandchild? and I feel so sorry for everyone when they keep asking us for any news and the answer is always ?no?.

Well anyway, enough moaning from me ? have any of you had similar experiences? What?s the best way to keep positive and not despair? And how to conquer the greeneyed monster?

Any replies gratefully received!

Magen Sun 28-Nov-10 19:35:13

I'm sorry you are having a difficult time. It took me two years to conceive my daughter. One of my lowest points was when my best friend told me she was expecting her second child. We are the same age and she was able to get 2 children while I couldn't even manage one. My only response was to burst into tears. It's only human to feel this way, so don't be so hard on yourself.

Try and focus on the fact that you are getting help from your GP. That is a huge step in the right direction. My only advise is to be frank with your GP about how aggressive you want to be, and if he or she doesn't treat your situation to your satisfaction, find someone that will. Best wishes smile

pearlcrystal Sun 28-Nov-10 19:43:55

Thanks Magen so much for your post!
Really helpful to know that you've felt the same way and so pleased to hear that you have your lovely daughter now!

If you conceived after 2 years, I feel like there could still be hope!
If you don't mind me asking... did you have any treatment or was it just a matter of time?

Thanks again for your kind words

raspberrytipple Sun 28-Nov-10 20:59:44

Hello pearlcrystal, why don't you join us on the first time frolickers thread, we are all trying conceive our first LO and there are lots of stories similar to yours on there and we all sympathise and support one another. Hopefully see you there! xx

pearlcrystal Sun 28-Nov-10 21:19:39

Thanks raspberry - will join you for sure!

Magen Mon 29-Nov-10 12:29:57

After not having a cycle on my own for 4 months, I had about 6 rounds of provera. It doesn't help with ovulation, just tries to regulate your cycles. Then, much by surprise, I had a BFP.

Miffles Mon 29-Nov-10 16:31:01

Pearl,

What you have described is very common - but often not spoken about in real life. It can be so hard when our friends seem to conceive so easily. Feeling upset is normal and ok.

We have been trying a year, but I went to the GP after 6 months as I suspected I had PCOS. Am currently taking my first round of clomid (DH has poor swimmers too).

My family are lovely, but definitely dropping hints and making me feel bad and sad. So actually when the MIL again said they were waiting, I said, just briefly - we were waiting too. Things haven't happened and we are undergoing further tests and are under the doctor. She was so embarressed, but recognised that I didn't want to talk and hasn't hinted again.

I would suggest saying something like that. Certainly anyone I have said it too realises that you don't want to give details and doesn't keep asking me. It helps to give you breathing space.

Well done for seeing your GP. Hope it goes well.

Lettie70 Mon 29-Nov-10 16:46:45

Hi Pearl, I know exactly how you feel and it is truly horrible and I find it’s all I think about – do you? I never in a million years would have guessed that I would end up becoming neurotic, worried or jealous by trying to conceive a child. TTC has unleashed a personality I don’t recognise and quite frankly I would prefer not to be so I totally understand. When my SiL announced their 2nd pregnancy a few weeks ago, I had to leave the office and go home and sob. How pathetic but both of their children were conceived in the first month of trying and I feel like a spoilt child when I say to myself how unfair it is. You want to be happy for them, you don’t want to be jealous but it is so difficult to hear of other people’s immense excitement; as you say, you want to be in there shoes, yet you’re trapped in limbo, living from one menstrual cycle to the next. My 44 yr old cousin announced her 3rd pregnancy at the w/e which has added to the dismay.

Do you record your temps and monitor cervical fluids etc? I ask because this has given me a good idea that I do ovulate etc but it shows I have a short luteal phase which 2 doctors have told me doesn’t matter – yet if you read up on it, it says it does matter. Everything is so confusing with conflicting advice everywhere! We have also just received results of hubby’s swimmers and the letter said all normal apart from abnormality form and slightly low on motility – basically 93% of his men are abnormal and it should be <80%. This sounds like a huge proportion to me and again I have done research (too much I fear) and some places say that 93% actually could be considered in the normal range nowadays. So I’m not sure what to believe or what we can do about it.

Anyway, sorry I digress to whinging. I find coming on to mumsnet comforting and some support because I don’t have any friends in the same boat. Like you, I find people saying just relax and it will happen very unhelpful. Yes, I would love to be so positive to believe it. Also people’s constant, ‘when are you two going to have kids’ question I find more upsetting than annoying. I had 4 separate people ask me that in one weekend.

Best way to keep positive – I think exercise is important to keep those endorphins going and plan things to do with your hubby, get away etc. I don’t do either but I’m sure it would help! As for the green eyed monsters – these are the worst to keep in check. I sometimes try reverse psychology or slightly Buddhist practice where if I pretend that I am so happy for someone’s pregnancy, I hope I will direct attention away from any green feelings and perhaps genuinely feel happiness. But I’m not convinced on this method yet!! I also think that if the worst came to the worst and it never happened for us, we could always adopt and give a loving family to some kids. No, it’s not our first choice but I find it sort of relaxes me when I go through days where I worry I will never provide a family for my husband.

Sorry about the long ramble – as you can tell I have the same emotions about this as you.

pearlcrystal Tue 30-Nov-10 09:35:52

Thanks Miffles, Magen and Lettie -for your kind words and understanding.

Miffles - yes, I think that's a good tip, perhaps time to start telling our family and friends gently where we're at.

Lettie - so sorry to hear about your troubles and can totally sympathise. Conception seems to come so easily to some people... most of our friends have conceived within the first few months of trying. I have not been measuring temperature but have used some of the clearblue ovulation predictor sticks, so it's likely that I do ovulate as I get the LH surge(although this should be confirmed by a blood test on the 14th). My husband is getting his test results this week so hopefully everything will be OK - we'll see how things go from there. Regarding your husbands test results, I guess a comforting thought might be that it only takes 1 swimmer to make it through. But I have heard advice that when there is a high proportion of abnormal sperm it is helpful to ejaculate more frequently, to ensure that the swimmers come from the back of the testes, which apparently means they're healthier (this is from the baby-making bible book).
I agree that keeping your life full is the best way to avoid the blues, and like everyone else on here says, we just need to be nice to ourselves. I think your idea of pretending to be happy until you feel that way is a good one... and I think it might also be possible to fel two things at the same time - happy for your friend and sad that you're not (YET) sharing this with her.
And I know about people asking you - when are you going to have kids... I think with people close to us we need to let tehm know where we stand like Miffles says and with other we just have to barricade ourselves and not let it get to us!!
We'll get there in the end - there are lots of lovely sucess stories here

wishingalways Tue 30-Nov-10 19:08:35

I am in the exact same position, i have being TTC for 3 years and EVERYONE in my life is pregnant and my work colleague was crying after not concieving after 3 months, she is due her second in Feb! I also have those feelings and i also go home and cry, im 27 and am the last in my family and friends to have children, my mum even told my sister she didnt think i would ever have children as im too career minded!!! I felt totally let down and hurt by this, i dont talk to anyone about this and nobody knows (apart from my partner of course!!) as i feel so bad about it, my partner is amazing and is always positive, he has 2 children from a previous relationship and both happened when she was on the pill!! I am starting my next stage of tests in Jan which will be the scan and things plus they are still testing his swimmers (i think this is a waste of time!!) I hope you have more luck than i have ATM. I stay positive by enjoying our sex life, not to give too much info but we spice things up so that it doesnt become all about making a baby which is how my first relationship broke down while TTC! I have been TTC with my current partner for just under a year but due to previuos problems saw the doc after 6 months with no luck. My ex is also due his first baby in the next couple of weeks, gutted!!! Sorry, slipped into a moan again! Anyway my advice that works for me is enjoy your partner and your sex life, do things together and make time for eachother, i talk to my partner and he listens to my fears, he also reassures me that even if there is a prob there are lots of things that the medics can do, i know this is true and am hoping this works!
I hope this is of some help and maybe comfort pearl, good luck to you smile

Lettie70 Wed 01-Dec-10 17:08:51

Thanks Pearl. My hubby spoke to the embryologist people and said even with this high proportion there is nothing to be concerned with. The world health organisation is about to change their ‘normal’ figures for abnormalities as it appears that the average men only produce 2-6% ‘normal’ sperm nowadays. Thank you for that top tip – husband will be pleased! Good luck with all the tests and things, I am sure it will all be normal and if not, at least it will shed light on the matter (please keep us updated!). There are so many positive stories out there – I even read about a woman with half an ovary who got pregnant naturally. Anyway, i think a lot of it is about accepting and coming to terms with the fact that we are ones that don’t conceive straight away and there are many people out there who can take 2 years or more to conceive. We shouldn’t compare ourselves to our friends – although easier said than done!

Wishingalways – I’m sorry about your struggles as well. The amount of people i have heard who have got pregnant on the pill makes me wonder whether they were remembering to take it!! Anyway, that’s another matter. I know it must be very hard for you when surrounded by people with children and ex’s are having kids. It sounds unbearable. The one great positive thing you do have on side though, is time. 27 is young and now that you are doing tests and if it does let you know there is sth not right then as your partner says , medics can do so many amazing things especially when you have age on your side. I know you may not see it like that especially after so long trying but I can’t tell you how many times I wish I had started TTC when i first got married in my 20s rather than wait until 30+! Anyway, bst of luck, it will happen for all of us one day, i’m sure of it.

Miffles Wed 01-Dec-10 22:11:35

Lettie - i was amazed at what you said about normal forms and it seems that you're right. WHO in 2009 said that normal forms may only be 4% - when in the past it was meant to be 30%!!! Clearly there is more to it than that. All to do with how they test and who and where to draw the normal line. But since my DH had normal forms of 2 or 3%, we thought it was terrible from 30%!!! The amount of sperm is more likely to be normal at 15mil/ml rather than 20mil/ml too...

Sorry, totally hi-jacked thread. Little overexcited!! wink

Lettie70 Wed 01-Dec-10 23:43:41

Miffles - I know I was very relieved to find this out for sure today. I originally had read it on just one blog I found by a US doctor but my DH spoke to the fertility clinic today and they said that 20/30% figure is beyond inaccurate and is total nonsense. Many places I looked also said it should be above 12% but again this is too high - well great if they do have that rate but that's not average. If your DH produces a good volume, 3% isn't anything to be concerned about.
Zinc and healthy diet was really the only way to try and improve abnormals though apparently! Anyway, Here here to the new figure!!

wishingalways Fri 03-Dec-10 09:13:23

Thanks lettie for your kind words. I know i am lucky to be youngish but 27 just seems so old when comparing myself to my friends who have their children and are on their second now!! lol, i could drive myself insane but i do feel better sharing with others and hopefully helping others to feel a bit better. I wish you and everyone the best of luck, i try to think positive and good news about the % for all DH's!!!

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