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Been TTC for what feels like forever. How are you coping with the stress?

(20 Posts)
cloudwine Fri 19-Nov-10 11:37:35

I've got to the point when I'm not sure how I'll deal with another 'babyfail' month, and my 'positive mental attitude' is no more.

I'm 38, on my last but one month of Clomid, and I don't know what treatment I'll be offered next. I have one child already (4.6), which means that all further treatment will have to paid for privately. This is adding to the stress of it all.

If one more person tells me to 'relax and it will happen' I shall scream angry I realise I am extremely lucky to even have one child, and don't want to offend anyone struggling to conceive their first (my heart goes out to you).

Does anyone have any words of advice, or wisdom- anything that made it even a little easier to continue?

Wombat33 Fri 19-Nov-10 11:44:03

Hi Cloudwine. ((Hugs)). I'm in a completely different situation to you but finding TTC very stressful for a number of reasons. It sounds like stale old advice but I am actually finding that exercise is helping keep me sane. I've only taken it up properly these last few weeks but I can feel my adrenaline/cortisol levels dropping when I run/go to the gym and it definitely helps me get [some] sleep at night and stay a bit more up-beat on days I have. I'm also feeling a boost to my sense of self-worth. You might already be running a daily marathon for all I know, but it's made such a difference to me in only three weeks I thought I'd mention it. Good luck! x

Fedupttcnosuccess Fri 19-Nov-10 11:54:14

I'm sorry, I don't have any words of advice, or wisdom- anything that makes it even a little easier to continue: but I can empathise. I am also exasperated with all this ttc malarkey. We've been trying for our first for over two years with 'no' success. Unexplained infertity does not help our cause. Numerous tests later, text book style cycle, ovulate regularly 14/15 cycle day; result: nada. Age is definitely a contributory factor. I'm 40, he's 43; and stress is also an inherent feature: both in stressful jobs, elderly parents requiring lots of care. Hope it helps to know that there are a few of us in this hopeless situation. The frustrating thing IS that there are 'no' answers. Hang on in there. We're taking time out in the new year for six weeks, i.e. off work, and considering private IVF. FX it happens naturally for both of us sooner rather than later: although it's looking more and more unlikely as the year is drawing to a close. sad

Fedupttcnosuccess Fri 19-Nov-10 11:57:34

X posts! Wombat that is certainly fantastic advice.completely agree. Exercise does help, it's the only thing that I look forward to at the moment. For a short while, I wasn't able to continue due to mil's ill health and as a direct result I felt rotten. Now I've resumed my normal routine once again, I'm fine: except there's still 'no' baby sad

cloudwine Fri 19-Nov-10 12:25:41

Thank you fedup and wombat, and so sorry to hear you're stressed too.

wombat- I think you may be right about the exercise thing. I know it can really lift your mood, it's just the age-old, finding the time and making myself DO IT! I already do pilates, but maybe I need to think of another way to blow off steam.

fedup- very envy that you are having 6 weeks off work! I can't imagine how I will manage if we do go down the IVF route- firstly, as my boss is a complete cow, and knows nothing of my situation, and secondly, I teach, so we're not allowed to take time off.

I know stress isn't good when TTC, but can it actually stop you getting pregnant?

Vics79 Fri 19-Nov-10 13:00:59

Hey cloudwine - I'm finding this whole ttc situation stressful too. We are trying for our first. It's difficult not to think about it the whole time and I am so worried I won't be able to have a family. I went for a jog last night and exercise does help to release those endorphins. I also find writing quite therapeutic, i.e. writing a journal about it all. That helps for some people. I am considering acupuncture.
Many people say they conceive whilst on holiday when you don't tend to think about it so much. I can't believe stress really stops you getting preggers though...i just think it makes sex less enjoyable. I am sure i have lost my libido since ttc which doesn't help!!!

cloudwine Fri 19-Nov-10 13:20:39

Thanks vics, know what you mean about the libido wink

gardenpixie Fri 19-Nov-10 14:39:20

Hi cloudwine my DH and I are having trouble conceiving our first; we've been TTC for 2 1/2 yrs. The stress is horrendous, but I don't think it can actually stop you getting pg.

I also find it monumentally unhelpful when people tell you to relax! Especially when DH has low sperm morphology and until I started clomid (on third cycle now) my cycles were bonkers irregular. I'd like to know exactly how relaxing is going to help either of those problems!

I agree with all the advice about exercise; it's really helped me stay saner than I would have done otherwise. I guess I'm also lucky that DH has (finally) understood how it is playing on my mind the whole time and when I start driving myself completely nuts, he finds all manner of distractions for me!

I've also found lots of lovely ladies on MN who kindly listen to my mental prattling so at least I have somewhere I can download and then get on with my day.

I really hope you get your BFP soon! grin

littlefan Fri 19-Nov-10 15:38:32

Hello - you are all spot on.
I'm experiencing exactly the same. Been TTC#1 for the last year. Cannot believe I spent so many years worrying about getting pregnant and now I want to it seems impossible.
The exercise definitely works for me. But you need to make sure you balance it with rest time/time out in my opinion and that is where I struggle - I try to cram too much in.
The stress for me also impacts my IBS - so when it comes to symptoms - I can't tell what is what! I had a CP in July and I just thought my IBS was playing up!

Fingers crossed for a Christmas filled with BFPs for all of us!

Vics - definitely agree on the libido front! hmm

cloudwine Fri 19-Nov-10 16:54:36

Thanks garden and little- it's really got me through a 'low' day today knowing that there are others sharing my feelings (although it goes without saying that I wish none of us were going through this!)

garden- I think that's a great idea that your DH is on hand to distract you. Mine has been brilliant but can't come near to understanding my Clomid/ hormonal/ snivelling ramblings. I'm going to ask him to take some off the pressure by organising something nice to look forward to this weekend, to keep my mind busy. Wish me luck!

little- sorry to hear about your CP. I'm the same as you, always trying to 'cram too much in' and give everything 101%.

I've also found that I'm beating myself up more than usual about being a crap mum to DS with my mind so full of ttc. It sounds crazy, but I just wish I could switch off the stress for a while hmm

Need to have think about what exercise I should attempt- I'm not very good at sticking to it unless I have a specific goal in mind, or enough time to devote to it.

gardenpixie Fri 19-Nov-10 21:40:24

Oh cloudwine am wishing you huge amounts of luck! obviously none of us should be going through this awfulness but I found it did help to know I'm not alone! We will get through it, we will, we will!

Here's to our BFPs xxxx

littlefan Mon 22-Nov-10 16:24:34

cloudwine you might want to try zumba - if you like music and dancing it's fun, can turnaround a really bad day and gets you all sweaty! It can also help put you in the mood for BD!! wink
I just started it - it can be as easy or difficult as you make it for yourself.
I do a lot of other exercise but this is the most fun.

PicknMix Mon 22-Nov-10 16:39:54

I can also totally empathise, been ttc our first for 4yrs now and had 4mc.

I found MN to be a source of wonderful support but I have been rather distant recently as found I was obsessing rather than helping anyone (myself included).

Agree that exercise can help, I'm rubbish though, can always think of an excuse not to do it!

We did the age old 'infertile couple' thing of getting a dog recently, but I'm guessing you already have your hands full with your ds!

No wise words of wisdom, just wanted to let you know there's a lot of us out there going through the same struggle and I found it a comfort to know others were having the same worries as me, I sometimes have to remind myself that it's normal to feel down and depressed about it. Otherwise I end up getting stressed about being stressed, IYKNWM!!

Best of luck and hope you get your BFP soon

PnM x

JRsandCoffee Tue 23-Nov-10 22:27:12

Hi Cloudwine
we've been trying for our first for 14 months.... I'll second the exercise thing, I dog walk, cycle and ride and feel so much better when I manage it all. I've also been eating a bit more carefully recently and avoiding things that tend to cause blood sugar to fluctuate as that seems to help with the overall sense of well being.

I'd also reccomend MN if you weren't already here, everyone here seems very lovely and supportive but also rational which I find very helpful!

Fingers crossed for you smile and if you do murder the next person to tell you to relax you may well find me in the same predicament, I feel your pain on that score!

StreathamRanger Fri 26-Nov-10 19:11:14

Hi cloudwine and all,

Totally empathise. I think I am becoming a monster with the stress of it all! Been TTC for more than a year, two CPs and losing hope fast. I fear I am becoming totally obsessed by researching possible causes for infertility (scaring myself to death in the process) and can't think of anything else. Like cloudwine I worry that I won't be able to cope with the disappointment and worry much longer.

This week three of my best friends announced they are all pregnant and although I tried my best to be nothing but thrilled I'm sure I came across as luke warm each time (two know about our struggles TTC and how emotional I am about it). I felt like a total self centred cow and just wish I could have kept control of my feelings of being left behind. The nightmare for me is this starts ruining my friendships because the mention of pregnancy or babies makes me start to well up or my friends start treading on eggshells or avoiding me as they feel uncomfortable. I just feel like such a bad person in all of this. Other friends have had issues and been really philosophical about it - I don't know why I'm unable to deal with it.


Pixilicious Sat 27-Nov-10 11:37:33

Thank God I have found this thread! I know I'm not alone but it certainly feels like it at times. We've been TTC for 11 months, which I know is relatively short but I guess like most of you I never considered it would be difficult!

Since TTC 3 friends have announced their pregnancies and they all now have babies - I can't tell you how crushing that is. I try to have nothing but happy thoughts for them but it is a struggle when you can't help but feel jealous.

All the tests have concluded there's noithing wrong and we are on our 2nd month of Clomiphene so fingers crossed.

And the gym definitely helps!

spotofcheerfulness Sat 27-Nov-10 11:42:29

Hi Cloudwine, not sure if I'm allowed to do this on MN - if not I am happy to have this post deleted but I co-wrote a book on coping with the stress of infertility earlier this year here
If anyone thinks this is inappropriate let me know and I'll get it deleted.

StreathamRanger Sat 27-Nov-10 12:56:15

Hey Pixilicious really sorry to hear you are struggling too, but relieved to hear that the crushing sadness is a normal reaction. I think my DH just thinks I am selfish - he got really frustrated this week when I was tearful after hearing the news of all my friends pregnancies, and said "why can't you just be happy for them?". I think it's hard for men to understand. He's just convinced it will happen any day - I hope he's right!

Tonnes of baby dust to all - we'll get through it smile

Keziahhopes Sun 28-Nov-10 22:32:54

Hi - I too am finding it stressful ttc~1, mid30's, married long time, ttc#1 for nearly 3 years.

I found it helped focussing on things I needed to have ivf if that was available - like get my BMI to healthy level (it was 31), but lost momentum since done that. Exercise, definitely. Time out helps - but have done the "have a holiday, relax, it'll happen" - and it doesn't! Not after this amount of time, anyway, for me.

With others around being pregnant, or focussed on their new life with baby friends, I have had to take an "I don't mind, I don't want kids" approach - not spoken, but on my face in my head so I can cope. Don't mean it, but others can't cope if people crumble usually so it is easier to appear strong, so then people may still talk with me rather than ignore me becuase of their issues! Sorry, a ramble.x

RudolfThePinkNosedReindeer Mon 29-Nov-10 21:30:42

Hello all, I'm really glad to have found this thread. I have been ttc DC 1 since Feb, and had a MC in June at 8 weeks with no success getting pg since. I can definitely identify with the feelings of jealously - I find myself being insanely jealous of random pregnant strangers on the street, and I've had to cut myself off from any pregnant friends as I just can't cope with it I too have found that exercise helps, and find that while I'm doing Zumba or yoga I'm happy and relaxed, it's just a case of trying to carry that on for more than 2 hours a week!!! The one thing that I'm trying to bear in mind is that there's not a limited amount of fertility in the world, so those friends that are getting pregnant all around me aren't using up any of my chances to get pregnant iyswim.

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