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Mumsnetters aren't necessarily qualified to help if your child is unwell. If you have any serious medical concerns, we would urge you to consult your GP.

Hand hold please. Did I do the right thing?

(44 Posts)
user1487175389 Thu 02-Nov-17 08:59:32

Not sure if this is in the right place. Ds just came back fron an overnight with his dad. Getting him changed for nursery, I noticed a smallish scratch on his willy. Not small enough to be insignificant though. Looked like it had happened recently. I reported this to the nursery and filled in a safeguarding form. Did I over react or did I do the right thing? Can anyone help prepare me for what happens next? I'm really worried, especially as I've realised the time I put on the former was out by about 10 minutes and I'm sure exactly will use this against me.

user1487175389 Thu 02-Nov-17 09:00:22

ex will use this against me.

user1487175389 Thu 02-Nov-17 09:32:24


Santawontbelong Thu 02-Nov-17 09:33:28

Do you have concerns about ds and time spent with his df?

KarateKitten Thu 02-Nov-17 09:37:04

What exactly do you think happened?

blueskyinmarch Thu 02-Nov-17 09:40:42

What is it you are worried about? Do you think his DF injured him or the nursery? How old is your DS?

MissBax Thu 02-Nov-17 09:41:50

It sounds as though you have suspicions that his DF has harmed him in some way? Why? This can't be the first incident or surely you'd just ask DF how he's hurt himself?

user1487175389 Thu 02-Nov-17 09:55:37

I don't know what happened. I wasn't there. I did ask him. Didn't get an answer I could make sense of.

I've had concerns about his dad for a long time, but these were ignored by CAFCASS.

I suppose I had two options: say nothing and hope his nursery key workers didn't notice when changing him, or say something. I chose the latter. My question is whether I made the right choice.

user1487175389 Thu 02-Nov-17 10:01:51

Do any of you have experience of safeguarding issues?

Santawontbelong Thu 02-Nov-17 10:06:27

Keep a diary of any changes in ds behaviour, worries you have . You def did the right thing reporting it to nursery. Be prepared to report to the police /Ss in the future.

xhannahx Thu 02-Nov-17 10:09:56

If you have genuine fears for your child's safety then yes, you absolutely made the right choice.

user1487175389 Thu 02-Nov-17 10:12:44

Thanks santa.

xhannahx to be honest I think I would have had to say something either way.

Caulk Thu 02-Nov-17 10:16:50

I used to work in safeguarding.
Did you report it to the nursery to cover your back or so that they would raise a safeguarding concern about your DP?

user1487175389 Thu 02-Nov-17 11:04:30

What do you mean 'to cover my back'? I thought people working in safeguarding were supposed to be neutral? Damned if you do, dawned of you don't. Right?

user1487175389 Thu 02-Nov-17 11:09:06

I really do miss the days mumsnet was a place parents could go for support rather than a haven for people spoiling for a fight off the back other people's troubles.

furryelephant Thu 02-Nov-17 11:09:14

I think Caulk meant it in a way that it’s just alerting nursery to the fact you noticed it and are unaware how it happened, rather than in any other way. It’s a term used commonly in safeguarding, just means to protect your innocence. Not anything rude. I do thing you did the right thing though smile

Keepingupwiththejonesys Thu 02-Nov-17 11:12:31

You've done the right think, agree with pp about keeping a diary. Also I'd voice my concerns to someone again about his df is you've got concerns. Possibly a health visitor?

Caulk Thu 02-Nov-17 11:13:43

Eh? I meant it in the way that furry said. Covering your back means you saying that this has happened, and you’re alerting them to it.

blueskyinmarch Thu 02-Nov-17 11:19:41

I am a social worker and used to work in child protection. What caulk means is did you report it to the nursery in case they thought you had done something or was it in the hope would pass on your concerns about your ex to the relevant people? What did the nursery say they would do with the information?

holdbackonthewine Thu 02-Nov-17 11:57:50

I have no experience of any safeguarding issues but do remember my DS scratching his willy on his jeans zip which left a similar mark to what you describe. I guess if you didn’t have doubts about his father you’d just ask him how he got it? Wouldn’t it be a good idea to hear his explanation and see if you instinctively believe it or not?

user1487175389 Thu 02-Nov-17 12:39:04

hold I'm not sure that was an option for me. His dad isn't a truthful person. And asking him wouldn't have negated my need to mention it to the nursery because the mark would still have been there.

I really dislike this presumption that mothers invent this stuff, or blow it out of proportion to attack an abusive ex. Surely if the past few weeks have taught us anything it's that the main problem with abuse is under rather than over-reporting. And not being believed rather than being believed.

user1487175389 Thu 02-Nov-17 12:44:29

Every time a child is killed by a parent there's a thread on mumsnet there's a run of threads berating all the people who didn't speak out, who didn't report their concerns. Re-read the( mainly) cold, indifferent, unsupportive, suspicious responses I've had on here and ask yourselves whether we live in a culture that encourages or discourages good people from speaking up.

lougle Thu 02-Nov-17 13:04:10

I think that your concerns about your ex and your previously dismissed worries by CAFCASS are making you read replies with a certain tone that isn't there user.

What they are asking is very important. If you were only telling nursery about the scratch, so they don't ask you about it, or think they might have caused it, then it might have been enough to mention it and fill in a form.

However, if you wanted them to take some sort of formal action to raise concern with SS, you may need to be more explicit with the nursery then you've indicated here, or phone SS yourselves to raise your concerns. I don't think 10 minutes will make too much difference.

user1487175389 Thu 02-Nov-17 13:10:10

Not at all. I specifically asked for a hand hold and support and the first four replies and many others were just firing pointed questions at me such as 'what exactly do you think happened?' No 'sorry you've had to make that decision. That must have been really tough first thing in the morning'. And then plenty more responses specifically asking me if I had reported it to get at my ex in some way. NOT what someone in my position needs.

user1487175389 Thu 02-Nov-17 13:15:49

So, it's 7.45 in the morning and your child has just arrived home from their other parent's house with an obvious injury on their genitalia. They have to be at nursery in 45 minutes. Regardless of what the other parent says or doesn't say, what do you tell the nursery? Or do you say nothing to the nursery?

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